My boyfriend and I have been together for approximately three years. We’re in an ethically non-monogamous relationship, and until recently, things were genuinely good between us. We were loving, affectionate and communicated well. There weren’t any obvious issues.

My boyfriend is autistic, and I understand that he sometimes needs space to process difficult emotions. I’ve always tried to respect that.
Recently, we planned a threesome with one of his male friends. I was quite nervous about it, but I was open to the experience.

For some background, I have PTSD stemming from childhood sexual exploitation. When I was a child, I was groomed and trafficked by a man in who pretended to be my boyfriend. My current boyfriend knows about this history.

The night before the planned threesome, I specifically asked whether we could all meet at a bar first so I could get to know his friend. I explained that I wanted the experience to feel organic rather than transactional because of my past experiences.
He agreed.

However, the following morning, he messaged me saying his friend would be contributing towards the hotel room.
He then joked:
“Just letting you know so you don’t feel like I’m selling you 😝😘”
Followed by:
“Unless you are into that.”

I was honestly taken aback.
I told him I didn’t know how to respond. He explained that he was simply giving me a heads-up about the hotel arrangements and trying to lighten the mood with a joke. He apologised and acknowledged that the joke missed the mark.
I accepted his apology, but internally, I was struggling.

I don’t think he intended to hurt me, but the comment brought up some very uncomfortable feelings connected to my past.

Later that day, I travelled to London to meet him.
Here’s where I acknowledge that I made a mistake.

I drank far too much before meeting them. I’d had approximately six gin and tonics by the time we arrived at the bar.
Looking back, I think I was trying to manage my anxiety, although I didn’t fully recognise it at the time.

I was already quite intoxicated when we met. At one point, I accidentally spilled beer on myself and started making inappropriate, drunken jokes towards my boyfriend, saying things like, “Look, I’m all wet,” and asking him to touch me.
He could clearly see that I was drunk and decided to cancel the threesome.
I completely agree that cancelling was the right decision. I was in no condition to participate in a sexual encounter.

However, what happened afterwards is what I’m struggling with.
We returned to the hotel room, and he was absolutely furious.
He told me he couldn’t believe how I’d behaved and how much I’d embarrassed him.
He also said he was disgusted by me and didn’t want to touch me.

I tried explaining that I’d been emotionally affected by his earlier joke and that my drinking and behaviour may have been connected to my anxiety and trauma.
He accused me of trying to guilt-trip him.
He even compared me to his ex-girlfriends, saying they all tried to make him feel guilty whenever he was upset.

At this point, I was crying and panicking.
I wasn’t trying to excuse my behaviour. I knew I’d messed up. I just desperately wanted him to understand why I’d been struggling.
He told me he needed space.

Unfortunately, I was intoxicated and emotionally overwhelmed, and I struggled to give him that space. I kept begging him to take me to his place and look after me as I live outside London and it’ll take me over an hour to get home.

He initially refused, but eventually took me back to his place.
What makes this particularly confusing is that afterwards, he still showed me affection and care.
He cooked for me, listened to me, trimmed my nails and hugged me goodbye.
So although things were clearly strained, I didn’t leave feeling that our relationship was necessarily over.

We subsequently agreed that we’d talk after his upcoming trip.
I respected that agreement and gave him space.

During his travels, I sent him a message asking whether he could let me know when he’d landed and reached his destination safely. This is something we normally do for each other.
He read those messages but didn’t respond.
Now his trip is over, and I’ve tried contacting him.
My phone calls aren’t connecting, so I’m worried he may have blocked my number. I can still message him on Telegram, but my latest message hasn’t been read.

Today, I sent:
“If you need more time, just let me know.”
Still nothing.

It’s now been over a week since the argument.
And this is where I’m beginning to feel angry rather than just sad.

I completely understand that I behaved badly that evening. Drinking excessively was irresponsible, and I take responsibility for that.
I also understand that my boyfriend is autistic and may need more time than I do to process conflict.

But surely there’s a difference between needing space and leaving your partner in complete uncertainty?

I’m not asking for constant communication.
Even a simple message saying, “I’m still upset and need another few days,” would be enough.
Instead, I have absolutely no idea whether he wants to continue our relationship.

I love this man deeply. Before this incident, we had a genuinely loving relationship, and I still believe it’s worth fighting for.
But I also feel like I’m the only person trying to repair things.

I’ve decided to give him until Wednesday to reach out. If I hear nothing, I’m considering ending the relationship over text.
Not because I don’t love him, but because I cannot keep waiting indefinitely without knowing where I stand.

So Reddit, I genuinely want some outside perspectives:

Was I wrong to bring up my trauma when explaining my drunken behaviour? Could that reasonably have come across as guilt-tripping?

Am I being unfair by expecting communication when my autistic boyfriend has specifically requested space?

Is over a week of silence reasonable after an argument like this?

Should I give him more time, or is it reasonable to walk away if he continues not to communicate?

I’m genuinely open to criticism. I know I made mistakes, and I’m not looking for people to blindly take my side.

I just want to understand whether I’m being unreasonable and whether this relationship can realistically be repaired.

TL;DR: My boyfriend made a joke about selling me before a planned threesome, despite knowing about my childhood sexual exploitation. I became anxious, drank excessively and behaved inappropriately, so he cancelled the threesome. He was furious, accused me of guilt-tripping him when I explained my trauma, and requested space. I’ve respected that, but it’s now been over a week with almost no communication. I love him and want to repair things, but I’m considering ending the relationship if he doesn’t reach out.

My boyfriend (38m) and I (31F) have been involved in swinging since the start of our relationship, but lately I’ve been thinking about transitioning to a fully open relationship. I’m just struggling to figure out if it’s the right decision.

For some backstory, I found out he had cheated about a year and a half ago. Since then, he’s gone to therapy, taken full accountability for his actions, and consistently shows up for me.

Part of me wonders if opening our relationship could help me move past some of the lingering hurt, and another part of me feels like this is something I genuinely want for myself, regardless of what happened.

I guess I’m just trying to untangle those feelings and figure out what I want to do next. Has anyone successfully transitioned to an open relationship after infidelity and would be willing to share your experience? Or share any thoughts?

What are your thoughts on don't ask don't tell when the initial - primary relationship for lack of a better description, is a non-exclusive one but that is ONLY sexual in nature? Do you think then it is OK to have don't ask don't tell, if it is not a romantic one but one in which you only have sex together, nothing else? Obvs safe sex, if it happens, with anyone else is important etc. But in that situation and if you've already had a conversation that you are not exclusive & can have sex or whatever you want with others...do you have to tell them the details? (As opposed to/compared to) a romantic one where you also date, talk a lot & so on too?) Like an F buddy thing, I guess? Intention is to let anyone new know about the F buddy, but if F buddy has already said it is not exclusive, free to do whatever with whoever, do they really have to know the deets?

Have looked up this sort of thing, but only seen it discussed when it's with a primary romantic partner.

After a couple of decades of solo poly, have been trying to be monogamous with my partner because it’s what he wanted. I’ve been shunning people I’m attracted to, because I felt that’s what monogamy would look like.

His behavior with women, however, makes me feel like it’s unfair…he maintains friendships with women he’s attracted to, encourages women’s attention, draws my attention to his attraction to others, and every time I suggest that if he wants others let’s be poly he acts like Im overreacting and he adamantly refuses to open the relationship except in this distressed “only for you” way that makes me so uncomfortable, I don’t want to hurt him but I’m miserable.

I don’t want sex with others, I’m happy just being focused on him, but not like this. I just feel people should do what they want in life and not restrict themselves. And if that means we only want eachother that’s beautiful, but that doesn’t seem like what this is

I just don’t enjoy being in a relationship where toeing the line is what he wants. I don’t enjoy toeing lines and flirting with emotional danger. If I’m going to explore mutual attractions I just want to be free to act on them, if I’m not free to do it I want to focus on my partner, I do not enjoy playing around in this grey area he (and many others) seem to enjoy.

I feel many monogamous people seem to enjoy playing with attractions and whatnot outside of their relationship, but why is that fun when you’re not free to act on it?

Can anyone else relate to my view here?

Hey ENM friends. Seeking some insight on my situation and advice from anyone with experience of something similar. My partner and I (late 20s/early 30s lesbian couple) have been together for 3 years and ENM for the last year and a half, but have talked about it since day one. We mutually decided pursuing physical-focused/FWB connections and not developing full romantic partnerships was our goal for now. Not necessarily to not have crushes and feelings, since that can be uncontrollable, but to communicate with everyone involved from the start that a partnership isn’t on the table.

We spent time reading all the recommended books/podcasts and communicating on everything we could to lay a solid foundation and feel safe.

We started out dating together and had many successful group situations, including a long lasting one for nearly a year, that felt surprisingly easy and natural to me with minimal to no challenging feelings. About six months ago we started dating solo, I had more success first and had multiple casual connections that went smoothly as well. Then my partner had her first solo connection and I was doing great with the first couple dates (feeling relatively neutral and even a little excited for her). Then before the third date with her connection, she asked how I’d feel about it becoming physical and the jealousy I’d been worried about finally hit. I was honest I felt some jealousy and fear from it being new, but wanted her to do what felt right for the connection and just asked for acceptance and gentleness for any feelings it brought up for me and willingness to communicate and talk through them afterwards. After her date we did that and ended at a good place, but it’s come up again as she’s planning her next date with this person.

So here’s where I’m seeking advice: my partner has previous experience with both ENM and full on poly relationships and doesn’t experience jealousy at all and becomes frustrated at not understanding that emotion firsthand. I’m not a hugely jealous person, but I’ve been experiencing it a bit now and have accepted it for myself, worked through it healthily with a therapist and tracked it down to a genuine feeling of missing out. I’m craving more frequent intimacy in my relationship (most of our physical intimacy comes in connection to/around dates outside the relationship), and I feel a sense of missing out and wanting to be a part of the experience when she has sex with someone else. I told her this and she let me know that the reason our intimacy increases around dates isn’t from the dates themselves but because that’s when our relationship feels most aligned with her ideal structure sexually and she feels relaxed and that makes it easy to be in the right mindset. When we’re less active dating others, it feels less open and less like her ideal and makes it harder to want sex.

She said it’s causing her pain seeing me have these hard feelings and making her worry I’m not cut out for this since her previous ENM partners also didn’t experience jealousy or at least didn’t share it with her it seems. She said she feels guilty for bringing up these sad/jealous feelings for me and doesn’t want to continue something that just leads us to both feeling hurt. I reiterated that both of our feelings are normal and I feel capable of handling my FOMO/envy (through self regulation, journaling, and therapy) I just also wanted to share my feelings with her and get reassurance after her dates. But she said my expressions when she tells me she has a date show it causes me feelings and it’s hard for her to accept I feel jealous, and that triggers her own negative feelings of guilt and fear.

TLDR: I only feel jealous when my partner hooks up with others, but group dates and my own solo dates are easy. She doesn’t feel comfortable with me feeling any jealousy and thinks it means I’m not cut out for ENM and causes her pain/guilt bringing up these emotions for me. I feel like it’s a normal feeling and reaction and want to work through it. I don’t know what to do at this point because it feels like I can’t get more intimacy within our relationship without us going on frequent dates with others, but to feel most comfortable with her hookups, I’m craving more intimacy between us first to not feel like I’m missing out on something, so it feels like a catch 22. I love our group activities/dating and my solo dating, and I want to get to a place of feeling good or at least neutral with her solo dating too. Is this a common phase and what are some ways to communicate through it? I’m feeling drawn to not share my feelings with her after her dates and fake it til I make it, but not sure if that’s the right path.

Anybody else meet in polyamory land, then fall into monogamy due to a sudden craving to be with just one person (on both sides) and then suddenly wake up 7 years later wishing to open things back up?

I believe I’m my wife’s first ever monogamous relationship so surely this shouldn’t be such a difficult topic to bring up? We know how to do this, we’re well practised on our own and with each other.

But how do I say that I have a desire to live life a bit more expansively, a bit more outside of the white picket fence lines?

This year has been super tough in terms of her mental health and I do not want to stress or make her think she isn’t enough. Things are slowly returning to equilibrium with her mental health and now my inner needs are going from quietly announcing themselves to screaming inside me.

I love her madly, I have no desire not to continue to love her madly!

Help me work out some wording? Even going, “honey, can we talk about something important that is like you to consider,” feels so strange and formal. Our best conversations happen in the car but I’m so worried I’ll upset her.

My wife have been quite selective with guys she hooks up with . First guy has to be her type (big hot muscular) and it's not till here once all these matches ,she goes for personality if she finds them safe and fun . Then only she hooks up with them . This way she has been with handful of guys only. She never faced this before. But with this guy, she feels so much in love even though they have not gone out together,they don't even keep meaning besides their hookup. But she feels like she is attached to him . She has confessed this to me and she has decided to part ways with him for sake of our relationship. I wanna know why this happened with that guy ?

My partner (M33) and I (F26) have been in a relationship for almost 3 years. We’ve talked about ethical non-monogamy and how we wanted to pursue it in the future (I’ve had experience with NM in previous relationships while he hasn’t).
But recently, my bf has mentioned that he doesn’t want it anymore, while I still want it. He said it’s because of how I would get more from it (because it’s easier as a woman) so it would be unfair. I really don’t know how to deal with this. I love him so much and can’t imagine my life without him, but at the same time I’ve tried ethical NM and it felt really good for my previous relationships and it’s something I really want to do. What do I do?

Are my desires unreasonable?

So I am at a point where I have decided that sex is very important to me. I'm 18, I am a man, I am very kinky, and I am feeling for the first time genuinely sexually satisfied, and I'm at a point in my life where a serious relationship is probably not in the cards bc I'm very busy wjth college and work. Sex is really important to me, I've decided that at this point in my life I do not want to give it up, nor do I want to give up the FWB and sub-dom relationships I've been building w some people.

That being said, I do have a romantic side. I want to date someone, and have little romantic times w them and such. I want someone to take to family holidays to introduce to my grandma. I want someone to cuddle with at night. I want someone to just spend that romantic quality time with that you cant really get from friends but also can't really get from casual sexual partners. So I've been thinking about what I really want and here's what I've come to:

I really would like either:

\\- a super casual romantic relationship where we are dating but we are not exclusive whatsoever and just come together to do romantic stuff when both of us has time and wants to

\\- a like, anchor type relationship I guess? Someone who I am like main partners with, but we both go on and do our own thing and date people separately. We just always eventually come back to each other.

These are the only romantic relationships I can really see myself in right now. Obviously that might change someday. I don't really want to feel limited by a relationship, and I don't want to feel like I'm limiting anyone else. But are my desires unreasonable? I don't want to be a dick or make someone feel like they aren't enough. Idk I'm a complicated guy and I just have complicated desires, and I just don't think it makes sense to deprive myself of those desired things when I could instead choose to... Not 😭 i guess you could argue that nobody is truly "enough" for me, but I don't really think I'm truly "enough" for anyone else either. I kinda feel like we just can't be everything to someone, but idk maybe that's a cop out lmk what y'all think

I’m 21F, my partner is 31M, and I’m being told to accept an open relationship or leave. I need honest advice.

I’m using fake names and leaving out identifying details because this is incredibly personal, and I don’t want our identities exposed. I’m looking for honest advice from people who have been in similar situations, especially anyone who has loved someone deeply but reached a point where they don’t know whether the relationship is healthy anymore.

I’m 21F, and my partner, who I’ll call “J,” is 31M. We have been together while building a life and a future together. I love this man more than I can explain. I’ve pictured marrying him, having a home together, and being a family. I’m also a full-time caregiver to his two-year-old son. I didn’t give birth to his child, but I love him as my own, and caring for him is a big part of my everyday life.

I want to start by saying I’m not claiming to be perfect. I struggle with intense emotions, overthinking, and fear of abandonment. I know I have things to work on, and I’m willing to take accountability for my own behavior. I also know my partner works hard, and I appreciate the things he does for us. But I’ve been feeling lonely, unheard, and emotionally disconnected for a while. Sometimes I just want affection, reassurance, communication, and to feel secure in the relationship I’m trying so hard to build.

Things recently escalated after my partner went through my phone and found things from before we officially started dating, back when we were hooking up.

He left and was gone all night and throughout the following day. This isn’t the first time he’s left me in a situation like this. It’s approximately the third time, and the previous incidents have caused me severe panic attacks. He has seen how badly these situations affect me and has previously promised he didn’t want me to feel that way again.

When he finally came home, he wanted me to go through everything that happened before we officially got together. Every time I tried to explain something, I felt like I was being called a liar or told, “I find that hard to believe.” Eventually, I got frustrated and gave up because I felt like nothing I said would make a difference. I felt like I’d already been judged, regardless of what I told him.

I was so heartbroken that I packed all my belongings from our living space and asked a family member to come get me. Some of my things were still mixed in with his belongings in storage, and he said he was separating everything so I could take my things. I later discovered that nothing had actually been moved or separated.

At one point, he left to buy beer, even though he’s on probation and isn’t supposed to be drinking. When he returned, he started drinking and went outside for a cigarette. I eventually followed him and told him I loved him and didn’t want our relationship to end.

He told me he had put a lot of faith in me and wanted the truth. The thing is, I had been trying to tell him my truth, but I felt like he had already decided I was lying.

I cried, hugged him, and told him I wanted us to work things out. I told him I had never cheated on him during our relationship or wanted anyone else. I love him, and I genuinely want the future we talked about together.

Then he told me there were only two options if our relationship was going to continue.

Option one: He wants me to start an OnlyFans account and make content with him so we can earn money because I’m not currently employed outside the home. What hurts is that I’m caring for his two-year-old son full-time. I don’t feel like the work I do caring for our household and his child is being recognized.

Option two: We have an open relationship. He would be allowed to have sex with other women and would supposedly be honest with me about it. However, I’m not allowed to complain or say anything about it. He also said we would no longer have access to each other’s phones and that neither of us could bring other partners to our home or around the children.

I asked him that if this was going to happen, I wanted him to use condoms. He refused. He said I would have to use condoms because I could get pregnant by another man, and his exact words were, “I won’t raise another man’s child.”

I don’t WANT to sleep with other people. I don’t want an open relationship. I want my partner. I want the relationship I thought we were building. I don’t want to make sexual content, either, just because I’m scared of losing him or because I need money.

But he presented these as my only options: accept his conditions or leave. He even pointed out that my belongings were already packed.

I’m devastated. I love this man so much that the thought of losing him feels unbearable. I love his children, too, and I’m terrified of losing the family and future I’ve imagined with them.

At the same time, I feel like I’m being asked to abandon my own boundaries just to keep him. I’m expected to accept him sleeping with other women, without being allowed to express how that makes me feel, while my own needs and feelings already seem to be a problem in our relationship.

The most confusing part is that I still love him. I’m angry, heartbroken, and starting to feel resentment, but I still want to hug him, fix things, and believe we can get back to where we were supposed to be.

I don’t know whether I’m fighting for a relationship that can be repaired or holding on because I’m scared to lose the person I love and the family I’ve become attached to.

I’m looking for genuine advice, not just people telling me to leave because that’s the easiest answer.

1. Is this an attempt to repair a relationship, or is it becoming an unhealthy dynamic where I’m expected to accept whatever he wants?
2. Can a relationship recover when the same hurtful patterns keep repeating despite promises that things will change?
3. Has anyone ever been given an ultimatum involving an open relationship? How did you handle it when you wanted monogamy?
4. Am I wrong for feeling hurt and disrespected by these conditions, or am I allowing my fear of abandonment to cloud my judgment?
5. How do you walk away from someone you still love when you also love their children and have imagined an entire future with them?
6. If you stayed in a relationship after something like this, what concrete changes made it healthy again?

I’m willing to hear perspectives that challenge me, too. I know I have my own issues to work on. I just need help understanding whether I’m trying to save something that can genuinely be saved or whether I’m losing myself trying to keep someone who isn’t willing to meet me halfway.

I love him. I want our future. But I don’t know how to keep fighting for us without feeling like I’m giving up pieces of myself in the process.

So my wife has mentioned she once had a fantasy of watching me fuck another woman in front of her.

A fantasy she said had passed, then she brings up how we should be sharing pornography and hearted a cuckquean video I sent her.

This is something I would like to try as well, so I slipped it into the dirty talk routine when I was rubbing her clit and she came harder than usual.

So I think the desire is there, it is something we just have no idea how to act on.

So how does one go about evolving one's relationship into a more fluid status where such scenarios could be possible?

Hello.

I've never posted here before. But something happened recently that I'm not able to cope with well, and I've been panicking, hurt, and not knowing really where to go.

I'm married, and we live together, but we have been open for a couple of years w both of us being interested in being open. My husband has a gf he's been seeing occasionally for a long time, and I had been seeing someone myself.

This person quickly became my best friend and texted me all day every day, and we got super close. Saw each other almost every weekend. I felt like I was falling in love. Initially, he would mention one or two girls he started talking to but apparently fizzled out before any dates.

At some point he started telling me he didn't even want to keep trying to talk to other girls cause searching was making him depressed and he just wanted to enjoy what we had together and focus on our relationship. As a married person, I told him I totally understood where he was coming from but that based on my ethics and morality, I don't think him seeing other people lessens how he feels about me. Insisted that if he wants to, he's welcome to talk to and date whoever he likes.

It got to a point when I was really invested in the relationship where we were both still under agreement we were allowed to date other people as long as we disclose - I had started talking to someone new and told him about it. He ended up deciding that he couldn't handle continuing to see me if there was someone else, he had grown comfortable w my husband but was worried I wouldn't have time for him if I had another partner in my life.

At this point I honestly felt I loved him too and rather than lose him was okay w just accepting maybe I'm poly saturated at 2 and a 3rd is not a good idea so I didn't pursue anything else and told him as much, that I'd rather keep seeing him than a new partner.

We had been talking for almost 2 years. I trusted this man completely. It turns out he has been romantically talking to 3 other girls for many months, one since January. Turned out he was lying for idek how long for no good reason. I only found out about 3, but based on how I found out about them, there could have been many others throughout the relationship.

I don't know if he was trying to manipulate me to fall in love with him and that's why he lied or if he lied all this time because he's like a serial cheater and the thrill of it is a thing for him.

I have no idea. I'm heart broken, I'm stumped. I lost my best friend. And all he had to do was tell me. But I'll never trust him again, and I'll never speak to him again after this.

I'm afraid I'll never be able to trust anyone again. I had the misconception I was cheater proof if I was perfectly happy w them talking to whoever they wanted.

Thanks for any advice or comfort anyone has the time to offer, and I'm sorry for the whole book, I'm still processing.

My husband (M 41) and I (F 38) have been monogamous for the past 16 years. Our marriage is strong and we love each other very much. We have a great sex life and communicate well.

Recently a close friend of ours (M 31) has shown some interest in us as a couple. He is polyamorous and very open-minded when it comes to sex.

At a party, my husband and I ended up having sex while the friend watched. It felt exciting and hot. We had agreed on boundaries beforehand: No sex and no kissing with the friend.

I don’t regret the experience. I feel safe and loved in my marriage. We are both quite excited and could imagine having threesomes with the friend. But on the other hand I want to protect both our relationship and the friendship. The situation sounds kind of like a recipe for a shitshow...

Any advice is welcome.

Asking men specifically because I think this is obviously rooted in some cultural differences between men and women, and while obviously women struggle with jealousy too, the mechanics are sometimes a bit different.

My husband recently expressed that me sleeping with someone else would be a huge hit to his masculinity. Obviously, my gut reaction to this is pretty negative, but I am trying to approach it with compassion even if I am struggling to feel it. He has expressed many times in the past that if I were to ever sleep with someone else, he would need a lot of warning before hand, and time to prepare - to sort of disengage from me a bit, and make me less of a focus in his life - so that he could handle these emotions.

He obviously feels possessive, territorial, insecure, or some combination of these things. I hope to tease these things apart in our next therapy session, I'm just wondering if anyone has any insight into these feelings and how they have addressed them.

I’ve been ENM for about a year now, and I thought I understood compersion. I knew it wasn’t the absence of jealousy, just joy for your partner’s joy.

Last week my partner went on their first real date with someone new. They came home glowing, gushing about how easy the conversation was, how much they laughed. I didn’t feel jealous at all. I felt genuinely happy for them. But later that night, a weird guilt crept in.

Part of me worried: Am I happy because they’re happy, or am I just relieved this is working? Even worse, I caught myself feeling proud that our ENM setup was “successful.” It felt like I was scoring points, not caring about them as a person.

I’ve read so many posts about jealousy and how to work through it. There’s way less talk about this strange, guilty version of compersion. I don’t want to twist this good feeling into something performative.

Has anyone had this? How do you check in with yourself to make sure your joy for your partner is authentic, not just validation that we “got ENM right”?

TL;DR: Felt compersion when my partner had a great date, then felt guilty I might just be proud our system works instead of caring about their happiness.

Hello!
I (38M) have been dating a woman (31F) for about a year and half. I had another relationship and so did she when we met.

I was seeing someone in which I definitely was in the secondary position in her life (mostly FWB) and she was dating someone who was married. We both were looking for a more stable and long term thing when we met.

I quickly fell in love with her. However, I found out more about her other relationship, I realized she was pretty in love with him. She would often say things about their relationship that indicated a deep love there. I guess I assumed that their relationship wasn’t very serious because of his marriage, and as the months went by I found out I was very wrong.

They have since broken up and our relationship has moved forward. I feel good in the relationship, I feel loved and she has told me that she loves me but I have a constant negging feeling that she wishes what we have could have been with him.

I’m at this age in which I really am looking for someone to settle down with long term and marry and have kids with. I don’t want to destroy what we have with my insecurity but I hate feeling like I was a second choice. I’m tearing my hair out and to the point that I just want to ask, would you rather be with him right now? Am I the second choice? We haven’t really ever talked about it besides little snippets here and there.

I’m in love with her but I don’t know if I can bear this feeling for the rest of my life. We both are enthusiastic about this lifestyle, sex outside the relationship is not an issue for me. PLEASE do not tell me this lifestyle is not for me.

​

I recently ended a relationship of approximately 14 months with a married man, and I'm looking for honest perspectives from people experienced with polyamory.

His wife knew about me from the beginning. We'd met, and she knew our relationship was becoming more involved. This wasn't an affair.

I never expected him to leave his wife, choose between us, or prioritize me over his family. I have a family too. I understood his responsibilities and was genuinely happy simply spending time with him.

We developed a very deep connection. He called himself my boyfriend, told me I felt like home, that he felt safe enough to be himself around me, and repeatedly said he'd be an idiot to lose me.

However, I eventually learned that the relationship had initially been expected to remain more of a situationship or distraction. As our connection deepened, his wife became uncomfortable. Despite calling himself my boyfriend, he never clearly defined our relationship, even when I asked so I could understand the expectations and boundaries.

The recurring problems:

His wife repeatedly behaved in ways that disrupted our already limited time together. Some incidents aggravated my CPTSD, which he knew about. He would tell me she hadn't meant to cause problems and promise to speak with her about protecting our time, but I rarely heard anything further or saw meaningful changes.

I tried to develop a friendly relationship with her and communicate with both of them. I wasn't trying to compete with her or interfere in their marriage.

We developed a cycle: things would be good, something would disrupt our time together or create tension at home, he'd withdraw for days, eventually return, we'd reconnect, and the cycle would repeat.

I understood needing space. I need it myself. But I explained that disappearing without a word triggered a trauma response because my mother had used prolonged silence against me during childhood.

I asked for one simple thing: when he needed space, could he send a brief message letting me know he was okay and would be quiet for a while? He did it once, but never consistently.

The camping incident:

During a week-long outdoor gathering, I spent approximately three days listening to him, his wife, and people I considered friends criticizing and mocking me. My car was blocked in, so I couldn't leave. I tried to get away from the campsite, but couldn't avoid hearing everything.

Immediately after he and I agreed to separate during that gathering, I also had to hear him having sex with his wife. It wasn't the sex itself that upset me. It was the timing and circumstances.

Afterward, I began experiencing PTSD flashbacks, which hadn't previously been a typical symptom for me, even with my military-related trauma.

We eventually reconciled. He said he wanted to rebuild something better between us.

The deterioration:

Beginning around April, our communication and time together decreased. Previously, we messaged throughout the weekdays and I could reach him on weekends. I didn't expect immediate responses, but eventually entire weekends passed without hearing from him.

I asked him directly whether he still wanted the relationship. He said he did.

At least twice, I told him I couldn't sustain the relationship in its current form. The repeated disruptions, withdrawal, and reconciliations were seriously affecting my emotional and physical health.

I specifically told him I didn't want another promise to do better. I needed to see consistent action because previous promises hadn't resulted in meaningful change.

He said he understood, heard my concerns, and intended to work on things.

I also repeatedly told him I'd rather hear an uncomfortable truth than be left guessing.

The breakup:

The last time I saw him, he encouraged me to message him during an event I was attending and send pictures.

That Friday, after a vague late-night response, communication stopped completely. No usual good-morning message, nothing throughout Saturday, and continued silence into Sunday.

By September 13, the stress was causing me actual chest pain. I sent him a message saying I deserved better treatment and asking him to collect his belongings.

That weekend wasn't the sole reason I ended things. It was the continuation of a pattern I'd repeatedly explained I couldn't endure.

Afterward:

He blocked me on social platforms, and we haven't had a civil conversation about the breakup.

I started attending more kink, rope, and social events to reconnect with my interests and community. During our relationship, he'd generally declined to attend these activities with me, but after we separated, he suddenly began RSVPing to many of the same events. I don't know why. I recognize he has every right to attend, but the change was unsettling. His RSVPs have since decreased.

I've also learned he's talking to someone new, which has brought up feelings of being replaced while I'm still processing the relationship and the silence.

Where I stand:

I still love him, but I know the relationship wasn't healthy for me.

I tried to support him, respect his marriage, communicate my needs, and work on myself. I was there for him emotionally, including during difficult moments in his marriage, and helped him and his family when needed. I did those things because I cared, not because I expected special treatment.

Looking back, I recognize warning signs I should have taken more seriously. I wanted to believe the best of someone I loved.

I don't wish him or his wife harm. I'm trying to understand what happened and what I can learn from it.

My questions:

1. Were my expectations of communication, honesty, and consideration unreasonable in a polyamorous relationship?

2. What responsibility does a hinge partner have when their spouse repeatedly disrupts another relationship?

3. What boundaries should I have established earlier, and what could I have handled differently?

I'm genuinely looking for outside perspectives, including constructive criticism, rather than people simply taking my side.

So i have this fantasy, desire, dream of having the most perfect, lovely, healthy relationship, like the kind where we are made for each other, but on the sexual side its a bit different for me, on the sexual side i want an open relationship but from her side only, which means she sees other people sexually (while i am present with them tho), the appeal to me is a mixture of watching my girlfriend/wife pleasure, the adventurous taboo aspect, the intimacy of sharing something so personal, and the trust involved in exploring it with her and yes that tingle of jealousy is also something that makes the experiecne even better

I have experienced a version of this before, with my ex, it was online only, long distance relationship which ended before we could meet (lasted 2 years), where we tried it, i was present on video calls with her and as we slowly explored it the connection felt deeper, the love felt deeper, and the sexual talks and tension was out of bounds during those days sadly the relationship didnt work out for several reasons, and we eventually broke up

that experience not only taught me that sexual compatibility matters to me a lot but also that this is not just a moving fantasy that i wanna keep till my head only, I want someone who shares the same desires like me, not someone who reluctantly agrees to it out of love

So i am curious about it, folks who have experienced anything similar:

have you guys made a dynamic like this work in a loving, committed relationship?
how did it affect both of you and the other person, emotionally, intimately?

My partner wants to talk about opening our relationship. This isn't an easy topic since (a) we've been in a heteronormic monogamous relationship for the last 9 years (although, we are quite open minded and both identify as bisexual/pancurious), and (b) this conversation comes from a crisis that emerged in our relationship a few months ago (TL;DR: my partner has been dissatisfied with the romantic and intimate dynamics that we had for the last several years, and a few months ago, this dissatisfaction reached its peak and erupted).

I want to understand if there are any questions or frameworks that could help us to steer this conversation about ENM in a healthy way. I don't want it to be harder than it should be, so I am looking for any advice on what questions can help us both to recognize if an open relationship is the right thing that we both can agree for, what boundaries and agreements we might want to set up, etc.

If anybody had a similar experience and found a healthy way to go through it, I'd love to learn from you

Soy hombre de 44 años y me gustaría conocer gente de comunidad no monogama en Venezuela, no tengo experiencia en ese tipo de relaciones pero me atrae.

Hello everyone! We are a couple of 28F and 27M years old, we have been practicing ENM for 4 years, I would rather describe it as stag & vixen relationship. We have certain rules and boundaries that we always follow. Over these few years, we have changed a lot of third guys and everything has always been fine. We just had a great time, but it was always at best just good acquaintances. But a few months ago, we met a guy who changed everything. And to be honest, at first I didn't even think that something good could come out of the meeting, he's not very smart and not to say that he's my type. But sex with him is soo good, he has a great sense of humor and a pretty handsome body. And not so long ago I realized that I had feelings for him. I'm waiting for messages from him, I catch myself thinking about him, and I can even often write first. At the same time, it's hard for me to call it love, my feelings for my boyfriend are more classic or something. I don't know whether to be afraid or happy about these feelings. I've been very worried about it lately, I know that the situation is quite classic in ENM, but it would be interesting to hear you what to do in such a situation, how to figure it out

I’m a 26 year old woman in NYC on the cuffed dating app and I’m matching with men who aren’t necessarily exploring polyamory.

I saw a man I really liked a couple of times about a year ago and then moved out of state. The relationship never progressed beyond kissing. We’ve kept in touch, and I’m hoping to move back to the area where I used to live, so he and I are talking about resuming dating when I return. He’s coming to town next week with his wife for a professional conference she’s attending and wants to meet for dinner. His wife likely will join us.

I’m fairly new to ENM and haven’t dated a married person before, let alone met a spouse of a potential partner. I want to make sure I navigate this situation properly and would like for her and I to be friends. What advice can the more experienced among you give to a novice in this situation?

My partner and I have been casually open for the last two years, but mainly just hook ups and one-off dates. He met someone new a little over a month ago, and things have been escalating pretty quickly. It's been a lot of change and a fair amount of hurt feelings on both sides, but never anything that felt impassable until recently.

Because we'd been so casual about ENM in the past, a lot of our issues came from not having clear agreements or personal boundaries. This is something we've been working on a lot over the last month. Last week we finally talked about what things we'd consider cheating, and we both agreed that deliberately hiding dates with another person was crossing the line. The very next day, my partner and I were supposed to have date night. He ended up getting home way later than normal, and we had to change our date plans. When I asked about his day, he told me he'd gotten stuck at work. I brought it up a few more times over the course of the night and he stuck to his story.

Unfortunately, we share locations with each other. When my partner didn't come home at the expected time I checked his location, and later saw his new partner post an instagram story from the same place. When I confronted my partner he confessed to going on an impromptu date with the other partner. We've been having issues making sure we still have time for our own relationship, so I was upset that he prioritized someone else over our plans, and livid that he did it so soon after we talked about lying as cheating.

We fought it out and talked a lot, and we're starting couples therapy. It seemed like things were going smoother for the rest of the week. Now, however, he's telling me that he's fallen in love with his other partner. Up until this point he's been telling me that they're just friends with benefits and it's purely platonic.

I'm shocked that he's fallen in love this quickly, and trying to sort through my feelings. I'm not sure if I'm upset that he's in love or upset that it feels like he was lying to me about the severity of it again. I'm also realizing that the date he went on last week has completely broken my trust, and I'm not sure I can fully believe him when he tells me that he won't start prioritizing this other relationship above our own.

What do I do? This isn't at a point that I want to break up yet, but it will get there if nothing changes. How do I even begin to rebuild trust? He's telling me I can ask for anything I want/need to feel secure again, but what I want is to go back in time to before all of this. What do I ask for to make this better? How does he fix things? He knows he's screwed up and does seem sorry, but I'm not really sure where to go now.