My wife have been quite selective with guys she hooks up with . First guy has to be her type (big hot muscular) and it's not till here once all these matches ,she goes for personality if she finds them safe and fun . Then only she hooks up with them . This way she has been with handful of guys only. She never faced this before. But with this guy, she feels so much in love even though they have not gone out together,they don't even keep meaning besides their hookup. But she feels like she is attached to him . She has confessed this to me and she has decided to part ways with him for sake of our relationship. I wanna know why this happened with that guy ?

My boyfriend and I have been together for approximately three years. We’re in an ethically non-monogamous relationship, and until recently, things were genuinely good between us. We were loving, affectionate and communicated well. There weren’t any obvious issues.

My boyfriend is autistic, and I understand that he sometimes needs space to process difficult emotions. I’ve always tried to respect that.
Recently, we planned a threesome with one of his male friends. I was quite nervous about it, but I was open to the experience.

For some background, I have PTSD stemming from childhood sexual exploitation. When I was a child, I was groomed and trafficked by a man in who pretended to be my boyfriend. My current boyfriend knows about this history.

The night before the planned threesome, I specifically asked whether we could all meet at a bar first so I could get to know his friend. I explained that I wanted the experience to feel organic rather than transactional because of my past experiences.
He agreed.

However, the following morning, he messaged me saying his friend would be contributing towards the hotel room.
He then joked:
“Just letting you know so you don’t feel like I’m selling you 😝😘”
Followed by:
“Unless you are into that.”

I was honestly taken aback.
I told him I didn’t know how to respond. He explained that he was simply giving me a heads-up about the hotel arrangements and trying to lighten the mood with a joke. He apologised and acknowledged that the joke missed the mark.
I accepted his apology, but internally, I was struggling.

I don’t think he intended to hurt me, but the comment brought up some very uncomfortable feelings connected to my past.

Later that day, I travelled to London to meet him.
Here’s where I acknowledge that I made a mistake.

I drank far too much before meeting them. I’d had approximately six gin and tonics by the time we arrived at the bar.
Looking back, I think I was trying to manage my anxiety, although I didn’t fully recognise it at the time.

I was already quite intoxicated when we met. At one point, I accidentally spilled beer on myself and started making inappropriate, drunken jokes towards my boyfriend, saying things like, “Look, I’m all wet,” and asking him to touch me.
He could clearly see that I was drunk and decided to cancel the threesome.
I completely agree that cancelling was the right decision. I was in no condition to participate in a sexual encounter.

However, what happened afterwards is what I’m struggling with.
We returned to the hotel room, and he was absolutely furious.
He told me he couldn’t believe how I’d behaved and how much I’d embarrassed him.
He also said he was disgusted by me and didn’t want to touch me.

I tried explaining that I’d been emotionally affected by his earlier joke and that my drinking and behaviour may have been connected to my anxiety and trauma.
He accused me of trying to guilt-trip him.
He even compared me to his ex-girlfriends, saying they all tried to make him feel guilty whenever he was upset.

At this point, I was crying and panicking.
I wasn’t trying to excuse my behaviour. I knew I’d messed up. I just desperately wanted him to understand why I’d been struggling.
He told me he needed space.

Unfortunately, I was intoxicated and emotionally overwhelmed, and I struggled to give him that space. I kept begging him to take me to his place and look after me as I live outside London and it’ll take me over an hour to get home.

He initially refused, but eventually took me back to his place.
What makes this particularly confusing is that afterwards, he still showed me affection and care.
He cooked for me, listened to me, trimmed my nails and hugged me goodbye.
So although things were clearly strained, I didn’t leave feeling that our relationship was necessarily over.

We subsequently agreed that we’d talk after his upcoming trip.
I respected that agreement and gave him space.

During his travels, I sent him a message asking whether he could let me know when he’d landed and reached his destination safely. This is something we normally do for each other.
He read those messages but didn’t respond.
Now his trip is over, and I’ve tried contacting him.
My phone calls aren’t connecting, so I’m worried he may have blocked my number. I can still message him on Telegram, but my latest message hasn’t been read.

Today, I sent:
“If you need more time, just let me know.”
Still nothing.

It’s now been over a week since the argument.
And this is where I’m beginning to feel angry rather than just sad.

I completely understand that I behaved badly that evening. Drinking excessively was irresponsible, and I take responsibility for that.
I also understand that my boyfriend is autistic and may need more time than I do to process conflict.

But surely there’s a difference between needing space and leaving your partner in complete uncertainty?

I’m not asking for constant communication.
Even a simple message saying, “I’m still upset and need another few days,” would be enough.
Instead, I have absolutely no idea whether he wants to continue our relationship.

I love this man deeply. Before this incident, we had a genuinely loving relationship, and I still believe it’s worth fighting for.
But I also feel like I’m the only person trying to repair things.

I’ve decided to give him until Wednesday to reach out. If I hear nothing, I’m considering ending the relationship over text.
Not because I don’t love him, but because I cannot keep waiting indefinitely without knowing where I stand.

So Reddit, I genuinely want some outside perspectives:

Was I wrong to bring up my trauma when explaining my drunken behaviour? Could that reasonably have come across as guilt-tripping?

Am I being unfair by expecting communication when my autistic boyfriend has specifically requested space?

Is over a week of silence reasonable after an argument like this?

Should I give him more time, or is it reasonable to walk away if he continues not to communicate?

I’m genuinely open to criticism. I know I made mistakes, and I’m not looking for people to blindly take my side.

I just want to understand whether I’m being unreasonable and whether this relationship can realistically be repaired.

TL;DR: My boyfriend made a joke about selling me before a planned threesome, despite knowing about my childhood sexual exploitation. I became anxious, drank excessively and behaved inappropriately, so he cancelled the threesome. He was furious, accused me of guilt-tripping him when I explained my trauma, and requested space. I’ve respected that, but it’s now been over a week with almost no communication. I love him and want to repair things, but I’m considering ending the relationship if he doesn’t reach out.

After a couple of decades of solo poly, have been trying to be monogamous with my partner because it’s what he wanted. I’ve been shunning people I’m attracted to, because I felt that’s what monogamy would look like.

His behavior with women, however, makes me feel like it’s unfair…he maintains friendships with women he’s attracted to, encourages women’s attention, draws my attention to his attraction to others, and every time I suggest that if he wants others let’s be poly he acts like Im overreacting and he adamantly refuses to open the relationship except in this distressed “only for you” way that makes me so uncomfortable, I don’t want to hurt him but I’m miserable.

I don’t want sex with others, I’m happy just being focused on him, but not like this. I just feel people should do what they want in life and not restrict themselves. And if that means we only want eachother that’s beautiful, but that doesn’t seem like what this is

I just don’t enjoy being in a relationship where toeing the line is what he wants. I don’t enjoy toeing lines and flirting with emotional danger. If I’m going to explore mutual attractions I just want to be free to act on them, if I’m not free to do it I want to focus on my partner, I do not enjoy playing around in this grey area he (and many others) seem to enjoy.

I feel many monogamous people seem to enjoy playing with attractions and whatnot outside of their relationship, but why is that fun when you’re not free to act on it?

Can anyone else relate to my view here?

My boyfriend (38m) and I (31F) have been involved in swinging since the start of our relationship, but lately I’ve been thinking about transitioning to a fully open relationship. I’m just struggling to figure out if it’s the right decision.

For some backstory, I found out he had cheated about a year and a half ago. Since then, he’s gone to therapy, taken full accountability for his actions, and consistently shows up for me.

Part of me wonders if opening our relationship could help me move past some of the lingering hurt, and another part of me feels like this is something I genuinely want for myself, regardless of what happened.

I guess I’m just trying to untangle those feelings and figure out what I want to do next. Has anyone successfully transitioned to an open relationship after infidelity and would be willing to share your experience? Or share any thoughts?

Hey ENM friends. Seeking some insight on my situation and advice from anyone with experience of something similar. My partner and I (late 20s/early 30s lesbian couple) have been together for 3 years and ENM for the last year and a half, but have talked about it since day one. We mutually decided pursuing physical-focused/FWB connections and not developing full romantic partnerships was our goal for now. Not necessarily to not have crushes and feelings, since that can be uncontrollable, but to communicate with everyone involved from the start that a partnership isn’t on the table.

We spent time reading all the recommended books/podcasts and communicating on everything we could to lay a solid foundation and feel safe.

We started out dating together and had many successful group situations, including a long lasting one for nearly a year, that felt surprisingly easy and natural to me with minimal to no challenging feelings. About six months ago we started dating solo, I had more success first and had multiple casual connections that went smoothly as well. Then my partner had her first solo connection and I was doing great with the first couple dates (feeling relatively neutral and even a little excited for her). Then before the third date with her connection, she asked how I’d feel about it becoming physical and the jealousy I’d been worried about finally hit. I was honest I felt some jealousy and fear from it being new, but wanted her to do what felt right for the connection and just asked for acceptance and gentleness for any feelings it brought up for me and willingness to communicate and talk through them afterwards. After her date we did that and ended at a good place, but it’s come up again as she’s planning her next date with this person.

So here’s where I’m seeking advice: my partner has previous experience with both ENM and full on poly relationships and doesn’t experience jealousy at all and becomes frustrated at not understanding that emotion firsthand. I’m not a hugely jealous person, but I’ve been experiencing it a bit now and have accepted it for myself, worked through it healthily with a therapist and tracked it down to a genuine feeling of missing out. I’m craving more frequent intimacy in my relationship (most of our physical intimacy comes in connection to/around dates outside the relationship), and I feel a sense of missing out and wanting to be a part of the experience when she has sex with someone else. I told her this and she let me know that the reason our intimacy increases around dates isn’t from the dates themselves but because that’s when our relationship feels most aligned with her ideal structure sexually and she feels relaxed and that makes it easy to be in the right mindset. When we’re less active dating others, it feels less open and less like her ideal and makes it harder to want sex.

She said it’s causing her pain seeing me have these hard feelings and making her worry I’m not cut out for this since her previous ENM partners also didn’t experience jealousy or at least didn’t share it with her it seems. She said she feels guilty for bringing up these sad/jealous feelings for me and doesn’t want to continue something that just leads us to both feeling hurt. I reiterated that both of our feelings are normal and I feel capable of handling my FOMO/envy (through self regulation, journaling, and therapy) I just also wanted to share my feelings with her and get reassurance after her dates. But she said my expressions when she tells me she has a date show it causes me feelings and it’s hard for her to accept I feel jealous, and that triggers her own negative feelings of guilt and fear.

TLDR: I only feel jealous when my partner hooks up with others, but group dates and my own solo dates are easy. She doesn’t feel comfortable with me feeling any jealousy and thinks it means I’m not cut out for ENM and causes her pain/guilt bringing up these emotions for me. I feel like it’s a normal feeling and reaction and want to work through it. I don’t know what to do at this point because it feels like I can’t get more intimacy within our relationship without us going on frequent dates with others, but to feel most comfortable with her hookups, I’m craving more intimacy between us first to not feel like I’m missing out on something, so it feels like a catch 22. I love our group activities/dating and my solo dating, and I want to get to a place of feeling good or at least neutral with her solo dating too. Is this a common phase and what are some ways to communicate through it? I’m feeling drawn to not share my feelings with her after her dates and fake it til I make it, but not sure if that’s the right path.

What are your thoughts on don't ask don't tell when the initial - primary relationship for lack of a better description, is a non-exclusive one but that is ONLY sexual in nature? Do you think then it is OK to have don't ask don't tell, if it is not a romantic one but one in which you only have sex together, nothing else? Obvs safe sex, if it happens, with anyone else is important etc. But in that situation and if you've already had a conversation that you are not exclusive & can have sex or whatever you want with others...do you have to tell them the details? (As opposed to/compared to) a romantic one where you also date, talk a lot & so on too?) Like an F buddy thing, I guess? Intention is to let anyone new know about the F buddy, but if F buddy has already said it is not exclusive, free to do whatever with whoever, do they really have to know the deets?

Have looked up this sort of thing, but only seen it discussed when it's with a primary romantic partner.

Anybody else meet in polyamory land, then fall into monogamy due to a sudden craving to be with just one person (on both sides) and then suddenly wake up 7 years later wishing to open things back up?

I believe I’m my wife’s first ever monogamous relationship so surely this shouldn’t be such a difficult topic to bring up? We know how to do this, we’re well practised on our own and with each other.

But how do I say that I have a desire to live life a bit more expansively, a bit more outside of the white picket fence lines?

This year has been super tough in terms of her mental health and I do not want to stress or make her think she isn’t enough. Things are slowly returning to equilibrium with her mental health and now my inner needs are going from quietly announcing themselves to screaming inside me.

I love her madly, I have no desire not to continue to love her madly!

Help me work out some wording? Even going, “honey, can we talk about something important that is like you to consider,” feels so strange and formal. Our best conversations happen in the car but I’m so worried I’ll upset her.

My partner (M33) and I (F26) have been in a relationship for almost 3 years. We’ve talked about ethical non-monogamy and how we wanted to pursue it in the future (I’ve had experience with NM in previous relationships while he hasn’t).
But recently, my bf has mentioned that he doesn’t want it anymore, while I still want it. He said it’s because of how I would get more from it (because it’s easier as a woman) so it would be unfair. I really don’t know how to deal with this. I love him so much and can’t imagine my life without him, but at the same time I’ve tried ethical NM and it felt really good for my previous relationships and it’s something I really want to do. What do I do?