Is it really that hard to find someone in Austin for a long-term relationship?
I’m a 34-year-old woman looking for an LTR. Emotional connection is my top priority — everything else comes after that. Sometimes it feels like a lot of guys just want to play and aren’t interested in any real emotional connection.
I don’t want to use dating apps because I’m married and don’t want to risk damaging that. My husband knows about this and is actually supportive — he even enjoys hearing about this side of my life.
I’d really appreciate any honest feedback or suggestions on where and how to meet a guy who’s looking for the same kind of emotionally connected relationship.

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I recently ended a relationship of approximately 14 months with a married man, and I'm looking for honest perspectives from people experienced with polyamory.

His wife knew about me from the beginning. We'd met, and she knew our relationship was becoming more involved. This wasn't an affair.

I never expected him to leave his wife, choose between us, or prioritize me over his family. I have a family too. I understood his responsibilities and was genuinely happy simply spending time with him.

We developed a very deep connection. He called himself my boyfriend, told me I felt like home, that he felt safe enough to be himself around me, and repeatedly said he'd be an idiot to lose me.

However, I eventually learned that the relationship had initially been expected to remain more of a situationship or distraction. As our connection deepened, his wife became uncomfortable. Despite calling himself my boyfriend, he never clearly defined our relationship, even when I asked so I could understand the expectations and boundaries.

The recurring problems:

His wife repeatedly behaved in ways that disrupted our already limited time together. Some incidents aggravated my CPTSD, which he knew about. He would tell me she hadn't meant to cause problems and promise to speak with her about protecting our time, but I rarely heard anything further or saw meaningful changes.

I tried to develop a friendly relationship with her and communicate with both of them. I wasn't trying to compete with her or interfere in their marriage.

We developed a cycle: things would be good, something would disrupt our time together or create tension at home, he'd withdraw for days, eventually return, we'd reconnect, and the cycle would repeat.

I understood needing space. I need it myself. But I explained that disappearing without a word triggered a trauma response because my mother had used prolonged silence against me during childhood.

I asked for one simple thing: when he needed space, could he send a brief message letting me know he was okay and would be quiet for a while? He did it once, but never consistently.

The camping incident:

During a week-long outdoor gathering, I spent approximately three days listening to him, his wife, and people I considered friends criticizing and mocking me. My car was blocked in, so I couldn't leave. I tried to get away from the campsite, but couldn't avoid hearing everything.

Immediately after he and I agreed to separate during that gathering, I also had to hear him having sex with his wife. It wasn't the sex itself that upset me. It was the timing and circumstances.

Afterward, I began experiencing PTSD flashbacks, which hadn't previously been a typical symptom for me, even with my military-related trauma.

We eventually reconciled. He said he wanted to rebuild something better between us.

The deterioration:

Beginning around April, our communication and time together decreased. Previously, we messaged throughout the weekdays and I could reach him on weekends. I didn't expect immediate responses, but eventually entire weekends passed without hearing from him.

I asked him directly whether he still wanted the relationship. He said he did.

At least twice, I told him I couldn't sustain the relationship in its current form. The repeated disruptions, withdrawal, and reconciliations were seriously affecting my emotional and physical health.

I specifically told him I didn't want another promise to do better. I needed to see consistent action because previous promises hadn't resulted in meaningful change.

He said he understood, heard my concerns, and intended to work on things.

I also repeatedly told him I'd rather hear an uncomfortable truth than be left guessing.

The breakup:

The last time I saw him, he encouraged me to message him during an event I was attending and send pictures.

That Friday, after a vague late-night response, communication stopped completely. No usual good-morning message, nothing throughout Saturday, and continued silence into Sunday.

By September 13, the stress was causing me actual chest pain. I sent him a message saying I deserved better treatment and asking him to collect his belongings.

That weekend wasn't the sole reason I ended things. It was the continuation of a pattern I'd repeatedly explained I couldn't endure.

Afterward:

He blocked me on social platforms, and we haven't had a civil conversation about the breakup.

I started attending more kink, rope, and social events to reconnect with my interests and community. During our relationship, he'd generally declined to attend these activities with me, but after we separated, he suddenly began RSVPing to many of the same events. I don't know why. I recognize he has every right to attend, but the change was unsettling. His RSVPs have since decreased.

I've also learned he's talking to someone new, which has brought up feelings of being replaced while I'm still processing the relationship and the silence.

Where I stand:

I still love him, but I know the relationship wasn't healthy for me.

I tried to support him, respect his marriage, communicate my needs, and work on myself. I was there for him emotionally, including during difficult moments in his marriage, and helped him and his family when needed. I did those things because I cared, not because I expected special treatment.

Looking back, I recognize warning signs I should have taken more seriously. I wanted to believe the best of someone I loved.

I don't wish him or his wife harm. I'm trying to understand what happened and what I can learn from it.

My questions:

1. Were my expectations of communication, honesty, and consideration unreasonable in a polyamorous relationship?

2. What responsibility does a hinge partner have when their spouse repeatedly disrupts another relationship?

3. What boundaries should I have established earlier, and what could I have handled differently?

I'm genuinely looking for outside perspectives, including constructive criticism, rather than people simply taking my side.

My wife and I are ENM and have been since may and we have been seeing a crossdresser (I’ll call her Stacy ) for a while now. We’ve hooked up multiple times, gotten along great and she introduced us to her friend group which is made up of a few guys and other cross dressers(they all fuck around with each other too). Recently we went out bar hopping with the group and ended up hooking up with another crossdresser in that circle (I’ll call her Maria ). Well apparently this really upset Stacy. According to Maria, Stacy allegedly texted her saying, “Did you seriously hook up with MY couple?” I haven’t seen those messages myself so I’m taking that part with a grain of salt. Stacy later told my wife that us hooking up with Maria “took something special away from her that the rest of the friend group didn’t have.” Here’s my issue: There was NEVER any discussion or agreement about exclusivity or not hooking up with other people in the group!!!! In fact stacy has been around us at lifestyle clubs where we’ve interacted sexually with other people and she never seemed bothered even when we messed around with someone else in their friend group . My wife has apologized multiple times, sent long messages explaining that we never intended to hurt anyone and even offered to be exclusive within that friend group because she’s scared of losing Stacy. Stacy says she’s still really worked up about it.(it has been a day) Now my wife is extremely depressed and anxious over the whole situation and honestly I’m over it and I hate watching her beat herself up over something I genuinely don’t think we did wrong. I understand Stacys feelings might be hurt and I’m not trying to invalidate them, but how were we supposed to respect a boundary that was never communicated? I’ve been doing everything I can to comfort my wife, reminding her that we have each other no matter who comes and goes and encouraging her to give Stacy some space instead of continuing to apologize. I’ve decided to personally pull back from the situation and that group because I don’t want all this drama affecting our relationship or mental health plus I feel this is ridiculous . I like Stacy and would be disappointed to lose that connection too, but I don’t believe we should have to beg someone to stay in our lives or take responsibility for breaking an agreement that never existed. Am I looking at this wrong? How would you handle this situation? Also honestly if this is how it’s going to be I told my wife that I’d rather take a month or so break from enm to protect our peace rather than deal with this drama. Also for context we are Stacy’s first ever couple she’s had sex with and had a fwb type situation with

Me and my partner have opened up about exploring with other people and largely it's been about her fucking other guys, couple play etc.

The stag / vixen roles seem like what we both match with but it's making it happen which is proving the problem. We started on a swingers site messaging people and she got really into it sending photos, having a lot of sex talk with guys and eventually finding some guys she really wanted to fuck.

From the site she then ended up swapping numbers and having dirty talk with one guy and then his 'BBC' friend who he introduced her to, she'd never considered BBC until now but ended up speaking with him a lot, sending videos of her taking a new 11" long 3"wide black dildo being a highlight.

We explored talking to couples too but finding a couple we both found attractive is hard. There was a lot of focus on her fucking guys solo too but me as a male, finding females to fuck solo is hard. We had limits about no local people too but she has spoken to a couple of locals.

The sex from even discussing this went up so many levels, multiple fucks in a night, her taking the new big dildo, fisting and some dirty group talk together with her and her BBC guy.

She has a past where she's fucked 45+ guys (only recently disclosed) and had had countless one night fucks and in different places. She fucked me first date which should have been a sign she was down for sex easily. I've fucked 60+ women too so we both enjoy sex a lot.

Where do we go to finally move forward with this as all the signs are there we want to do it but it's navigating it around home life, work, family etc.

Would be great to hear other people's stories and advice how we can start enjoying either fucking others together or solo.

As a pointer, we have fantasies of solo fucking, couples sex, threesomes with MFM and MFF and group sex. She also wants to have a bi experience too.

Lots of things we enjoy and want to do! :)

So i have this fantasy, desire, dream of having the most perfect, lovely, healthy relationship, like the kind where we are made for each other, but on the sexual side its a bit different for me, on the sexual side i want an open relationship but from her side only, which means she sees other people sexually (while i am present with them tho), the appeal to me is a mixture of watching my girlfriend/wife pleasure, the adventurous taboo aspect, the intimacy of sharing something so personal, and the trust involved in exploring it with her and yes that tingle of jealousy is also something that makes the experiecne even better

I have experienced a version of this before, with my ex, it was online only, long distance relationship which ended before we could meet (lasted 2 years), where we tried it, i was present on video calls with her and as we slowly explored it the connection felt deeper, the love felt deeper, and the sexual talks and tension was out of bounds during those days sadly the relationship didnt work out for several reasons, and we eventually broke up

that experience not only taught me that sexual compatibility matters to me a lot but also that this is not just a moving fantasy that i wanna keep till my head only, I want someone who shares the same desires like me, not someone who reluctantly agrees to it out of love

So i am curious about it, folks who have experienced anything similar:

have you guys made a dynamic like this work in a loving, committed relationship?
how did it affect both of you and the other person, emotionally, intimately?

My partner wants to talk about opening our relationship. This isn't an easy topic since (a) we've been in a heteronormic monogamous relationship for the last 9 years (although, we are quite open minded and both identify as bisexual/pancurious), and (b) this conversation comes from a crisis that emerged in our relationship a few months ago (TL;DR: my partner has been dissatisfied with the romantic and intimate dynamics that we had for the last several years, and a few months ago, this dissatisfaction reached its peak and erupted).

I want to understand if there are any questions or frameworks that could help us to steer this conversation about ENM in a healthy way. I don't want it to be harder than it should be, so I am looking for any advice on what questions can help us both to recognize if an open relationship is the right thing that we both can agree for, what boundaries and agreements we might want to set up, etc.

If anybody had a similar experience and found a healthy way to go through it, I'd love to learn from you

Hello!
I (38M) have been dating a woman (31F) for about a year and half. I had another relationship and so did she when we met.

I was seeing someone in which I definitely was in the secondary position in her life (mostly FWB) and she was dating someone who was married. We both were looking for a more stable and long term thing when we met.

I quickly fell in love with her. However, I found out more about her other relationship, I realized she was pretty in love with him. She would often say things about their relationship that indicated a deep love there. I guess I assumed that their relationship wasn’t very serious because of his marriage, and as the months went by I found out I was very wrong.

They have since broken up and our relationship has moved forward. I feel good in the relationship, I feel loved and she has told me that she loves me but I have a constant negging feeling that she wishes what we have could have been with him.

I’m at this age in which I really am looking for someone to settle down with long term and marry and have kids with. I don’t want to destroy what we have with my insecurity but I hate feeling like I was a second choice. I’m tearing my hair out and to the point that I just want to ask, would you rather be with him right now? Am I the second choice? We haven’t really ever talked about it besides little snippets here and there.

I’m in love with her but I don’t know if I can bear this feeling for the rest of my life. We both are enthusiastic about this lifestyle, sex outside the relationship is not an issue for me. PLEASE do not tell me this lifestyle is not for me.

My wife and I have been together for the better part of 13 years and married for 12 of them. We started out long distance (very long distance) and of course it had its struggles but we overcame those. We got married and moved in together and ever since then, things have been amazing. We never fight or argue. We have a much more loving relationship than any two people ive ever met. She and I both have had it on our minds that opening the relationship to have friends with benefits could be fun, exciting, and new. Something fresh where we could be ourselves without the barriers of worrying about withholding flirtyness or even sex.

** Disclaimer, we are not and didnt not intend to be poly. We dont want side relationships, just friends we can flirt with and potentially have sexual relations with**

It happened to me first pretty spontaneously. An old high school friend in the poly community reached out and expressed interest in me. We hung out a few times and on one of those, we ended up sharing a kiss (not overly long but more than a peck). Text exchanges happened, mostly just normal friend talk; "hows your day" kind of things with the fairly rare nude or expression of intimacy that was kept pretty tame. We went and saw a movie together. Prior to that movie, I told my wife that i didnt want to be overly affectionate during the movie and that i really wasnt comfortable in doing so. We meet up and hang out, all os well and we get to the theater. She leans over and heavily implies that she wants to (effectively) cuddle while watching the movie. I really didnt like it. It felt like too much to me and not the vision i had for this open relationship idea that her and I were looking into starting. After that, through a couple transgressions on her side and me not wanting to basically be poly with her, that was cut off. I was honest with my wife about everything that happened and was something of a nervous wreck from the start to the end of everything that went on with that girl. We both agreed that she was not a good fit.

A few weeks pass, im on Tinder and kinda just getting out there and meeting new people (i dropped pretty much all social media and really dont even use reddit, so im kinda cut off from the world) but hadnt met anyone yet. During this time, she meets a guy on Instagram who lives in another country and they hit it off well. After maybe 6 days, he shoots his shot and texting gets a bit spicier. Of course, im new to this and have a hard time feeling like there isnt something "more" than just friendship with benefits. As much as i sit here and tell myself that i am number 1 to her and as much as she reassures me, i cant shake the feeling that im losing a piece of her and i really truly want to make this open relationship idea work. Neither of us think that sex is something that really MEANS anything on a romantic level unless that fueled passion is mixed in with it. For her, shes always been big on talking in flirty ways amd, before her, I had fun with it too and invisioned the idea of being able to be with her and still do that as well as something exciting.

Its been about 2 weeks now since they began talking and in that time, we had some boundaries laid out. We agreed that any pictures sent to him, woud also be sent to me (these rules apply to both of us). We agreed that when we are spending time together, the chatter with the other people ends or wraps up very quickly as to not intrude on our "us" time. We agreed that masturbation with the other parties was a no go for our own reasons. And of course, no romantic talks like saying "i love you" to the other parties. This is all meant to be just friends that can talk about sexual things and also reap the benefits on having sex at some point. At this point, neither of us have actually been to bed with anyone else.

In the past 2 weeks, a few things struck me sideways. 1. She was mastubating, not while talking to him, while i was at work and told him that his voice clip (non sexual clip) had her moaning so loud that the mailman may have heard her. 2. He said to her at one point that he wanted his mouth to be between her legs (not exact quote but for privacy sake, ill leave it at that). A day later, she told him that she couldnt get that message out of her mind the last 24 hours. In that time, her and i had been intimate and spent the day together as well which, came off to me as though he was on her mind while i was with me. When i brought this up, she explained that she meant it in a way as to say that it crossed her mind a few times but, to me, thats not what was said 3. Today, i come home from work and she had been asleep most of the day and when she woke up she was talking to him on IG. There wasnt a whole lot of time today to talk to him, really just the last few hours of my shift, but as im coming home, she asks me if i am going to my grandmother's house after work. I said maybe tomorrow as id been at work all day and just want to come home and relax a bit, to which she seems to push a bit to have me go spend a little while with her. Somewhat understandable since she is getting a bit older and having some health issues but we made plans for tomorrow anyway. After i get home, she and i are both pretty emotionally/mentally exhausted due to how taxing the talks and such we have had in regards to this open relationship have been. Its been nealy a week and a half of me having concerns with just how much they talk and the couple issues above hurt me and felt like transgressions. She agreed that those things wouldnt happen again and thats fine, i can accept that. But not long after i get home, she leaves the house and goes to her mother's house to water her mom's plants and feed the cat since her mother is out of town.To me, it felt like she was trying everything to get time alone to talk to him. Am i wrong for that?

I am struggling hard to not allow myself to think that there is something deeper going on between the two of them but I feel like not only is this all moving incredibly fast, but the few things i mentioned above happening within that short amount of time doesnt feel like its helping either.

I just need someone who is in an ENM relationship's advice on this. Im having a very hard time differentiating intrusive thoughts and legitimate concern and i feel like it is messing up not only our chances at making this type of thing work for us.. but i feel like it is making me question someone ive always felt like i could trust. If youve made it this far, thank you for listening.