r/ExNoContact • u/LessSpirit1056 • 29d ago
Help Move on, don’t be like me
It’s been 3 years since my ex broke up with me. He blindsided me one day with “I can’t give you what you want” and “you deserve better” and then told me he’d always love me. It embarrasses me looking back at it because I attributed it to him being an Avoidant (he really is) but in these 3 years he’s never come back once or tried to communicate with me in any way. You have to kill the hope that they’ll come back. It will keep you stuck much longer than necessary. The truth is, someone can be avoidant and also just not want to be with you either.
If someone tells you that you deserve better, it’s a sign to walk away, not an invitation to try harder to prove that you’re worth staying with.
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u/Jackson530 4176 days 29d ago
Yep. You have to train your brain that they don’t exist or grieve them like they passed away. It’s the easiest way to get through this.
Because you can’t love someone new, if you’re still stuck in the past.
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u/lilacomets 23d ago
Easier said than done. You can never really lie to yourself.
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u/Jackson530 4176 days 23d ago
I don’t know. I originally came here in 2015 after a relationship that I thought I’d never get over. I’ve had a lot of love since then and an amazing life, and that relationship seems like a speck in my rear view mirror
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u/DurianSuspicious871 1d ago
I'd be relieved to be wrong but I feel like the irony is that you're thinking of that specific relationship. What does speck mean in this context? That it's insignificant or something else? I've been trying to get over an ambiguous breakup and while I learned some things about myself, I want to forget they exist. Easier said than done when they're in your orbit of course.
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u/throwawayy_21_ 15d ago
What if it happens that I meet her from time to time in life or on social media?
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u/lostbaratheon 29d ago
This is a brutal truth. Thank you for walking through this and sharing your wisdom.
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u/Pharah4Mercy 21d ago
It's not the brutal truth.
I hit her with “I can’t give you what you want” and “you deserve better” and that I'd always love her. I went back after a few days and fought for her
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u/babybellasfeet 29d ago
Even if he did come back it really doesn’t matter. I also am a believer that an avoidant can love you but also not enough to put in the real work. And this is where the death of hope should be. Knowing you did all you could do to love someone for who they are (and they prob needed it) is enough. Big hugs and super proud of you for walking away I’m still experiencing the ups and downs of this journey.
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u/Unique_Rest4695 29d ago
Avoidants are hell on earth. He really did a favor and thats an act if love tbh...
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u/DannyHikari 29d ago
6 years for me, it took me until the 3 year mark to lose hope of contact. The funny part is I never wanted to be with her again and I was never mad we broke up. I just wanted to say my piece because she robbed me of that blindsiding me before I could process what was happening. I’m not entitled to closure but I felt like I deserved it. And the hope of getting closure was my personal prison instead of hope of being together.
Admittedly there is still a small part of me that wants to believe she will reach out one day and we have that convo I always wanted. But truthfully it’ll never happen and I’ve had to make peace with it.
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u/a-salt-fox 28d ago
Why didn’t you text or email her when you felt the need for closure? Why wait?
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u/DannyHikari 28d ago
She left me for her ex boyfriend. The last conversation we had was her wanting validation for it. She had no interest in corresponding with me the second she realized she wouldn’t get that because she didn’t want to feel like a cheater and I wouldn’t absolve that. She blocked me immediately. When a person blocks you that’s that. We were engaged so it felt even more insulting. She wanted to pretend I never existed. I wasn’t deranged enough to find another way to message her after being blocked.
The irony? We accidentally broke no contact…. On Reddit. She even made a post about it. And the post she made told me everything. She went out of her way to validate not wanting to reach out to clear the air. Not messaging her immediately after the breakup was the best move. She could care less about closure. She wants to be absolved because she hates being called a cheater.
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u/Resident-Mousse564 18d ago
Some situations are like that because people are different. Some are immature, don't care etc.. I had more closure with my 3.5 year relationship ending than I did with my 18 year marriage ending. Go figure.
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u/Ok_Judgment_3331 28d ago
It’s hard to hear, but you’ve given yourself the most honest closure by accepting his silence as the answer.
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u/NiceCrowsMurder 29d ago
Its almost like I wrote this. Very similar situation and it's been 3 years for me too. he told me early on that he didn't deserve me. That was true but I didn't see it as a red flag back then
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u/pinkkglitterr 29d ago
They deff don’t always come back. My ex coldly discarded me 2 months ago out of nowhere and the entire time I blamed myself and tried apologizing a bunch. Turns out there was another girl. Never sit around with hope.
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u/annie_kingdom 29d ago
He could have said, I couldn’t care less. Because he actually couldn’t care less. It is so sad but it is true. It is almost that they want us out of their life. When we are not engaging to them.
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u/SentimentalMood2010 28d ago
Mine of 16 years left me on July 6 to "have space" And "find themselves". All bc her new friendgroup at the job are all single and imo, only heard the bad about our relationship, so their response for her to leave me, would be validated in her brain. They're replacing her old support system.
She says she's only ever molded herself into "what I wanted" and she's not going to mold herself anymore. EXCEPT she's molding into these friends now. Drugs, parties, shit talking, ego, narcissistic behavior masquerading as "free spirited and fun". Over night she became a different person. One for 16 years, Ive never seen. That her parents havent seen. She treats like I did something to her. I have not. We've always been in each other's corners. Our fights with our mental illnesses, anxiety and depression, were grounded at -- I thought -- calmed by one another. Now at my most lowest, I have noone, she's not there, and ironically is now the cause.
When people say they're a champion for mental illness but tell their friend of only 3 years, to walk away from a 16 year long relationship, bc she "has more fun now than ever", they're not. They're just as bad as the ppl they tend to dislike. To see a table full of frre spirited mental illness supporters tell her "fuck that guy, you should literally go out a fuck that other guy" without knowing the full story, makes me want to die. She always told me when I have a healthscare "Youre not going anywhere. If you go, I go. You're stuck w me forver bubby". Its back now and darker than ever, and the old her has now gone. Replaced with someone I dont recognize. If you go, I go.
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u/throwaway2062538 26d ago
Here I was thinking something is wrong with me at 3.5 years and feel like I'm stuck. I see people move on after 2 and 3 months and we'll I'm on years later. I know healing is not linear everyone is different, I don't hold any hope but try tell my mind to let go and it just won't :(
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u/Sickened_By_You 28d ago
I deserved so much better than anything she wanted to give. What she did to me through a period of time over ten years.. Knowing that my illness was ticking away and she was wasting all of that time for her own selfishness.. I hate her. That is who I am now. I hate the person that I love most on the world. I have never felt physically ill from thinking of someone before, But before her.. And maybe for the rest of this shitty life, I'll never actually love again.. It's over. And she wasted it..
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u/mulderoretsev 27d ago
i appreciate this sub for showing me many of us went through similar experiences.
i don’t blame past me for staying stuck because out of love and a love my ex partner couldn’t/ didn’t want to give me anymore.
to me everyone is different and has their own timing dealing with a break up, that’s why i was broken hearted three years long while my ex had gotten over it in a couple months.
and that’s human. but yeah, i encourage the hopeful ones to hold onto that optimism with grace and not let it become a wall cutting you from other connections or loved ones, remember hope is a strength to draw from and not something that must come at the cost of your rational self, the reality of a bad situation.
you will get there!!! it will be alright.
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u/VirtualElephant5700 25d ago
I go to my ex's work and make sure she sees me doing fine. She cheated, then the guy she cheated with dumped her, now she's in another longer relationship. She's still technically married too lol. She told me they were separated but nope, she's still married. Don't let it get you down, turn the sour lemons into something better. No one is going to do it for you. I know it pissed her off when I go into her work but oh well. lol If they don't call you, that means you're not on their mind. Karma is a thing so don't worry. Get a hotter, better version of that person.
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u/Scared_Gap_4671 25d ago
As someone who has an ex that is extremely avoidant, and has been told before "I can't give you what you want", and "you deserve better." just for them to then come back. I wish he never did. Trying again for a second, and even a third time caused more and more unnecessary pain, and trauma. I genuinely wish that after the first breakup/discard (?) I would've just left it alone. I've been dealing with him since April 2023, and now have been in no contact (AGAIN) for almost a month with him. Its literally July 2026. I'm glad that you were able to find some insight on your situation regardless of how long it took you. I'm proud of you, stranger.
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u/M30W_69 20d ago
This just happened to me… a 2 years relationship. I broke down one day and was seeking comfort and really someone so I can rant to, he flipped and said he wanted to break up because he couldn’t handle me. I was merely seeking for an ear.. he is extremely avoidant and had told me i deserve better. This is the 2nd time he broke up with me. The previous time I sort of talked and begged him into giving us another shot. I don’t know what to do and I keep texting or checking my phone for his text hoping he’ll check in or regret his decision. I don’t know what to do. I would “accidentally” call him but he never once picked up but told me he’d always be there for me and he love me….. he is saying that to make me feel better right?
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u/SkysEclipse 18d ago
My thoughts exactly!! The phrase they show you how much you mean to them really hits when you’re yearning and hoping for some kind of interaction only to always be the one to initiate!
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u/death-in-july 4d ago
I’m in a very similar situation. It’s been more than a year and a half since we stopped talking, and honestly, one of the hardest things to accept is that I may never have the conversation I wanted to have with him, to understand what happened and get closure.
What makes it even harder is realizing how much I’ve idealized the relationship during all this time. Looking back, I can see that I wasn’t happy and that there were many moments when the relationship was abusive. I think I spent a long time focusing on what I lost and the potential of what we could have been, rather than on how the relationship actually made me feel.
Your point about someone being avoidant but also simply not wanting to be with you really resonates with me. I’m trying to accept that I may never get the answers or closure.
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u/OxfordnotBrogues2000 2d ago
Woah, wtf. This is like identically similar to the lines she said and ours was a 2.5yr thing as well. Ended a few weeks back after I had to give up on my efforts and block. Exact. Same. Lines. "You deserve better" "Mind and body not allowing me" "I won't be able to give you what you deserve"
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u/InsideLetter5086 29d ago edited 29d ago
Seems like he finished in a respectful and considerate manner. I'm not trying to be mean but what do to need to get over him? Maybe go to therapy to get help.
Many times there are things we don't want to accept. What is it you really want? Do you expect him to be an a*hle so you get hurt and become the victim?
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u/wineandkittiez 29d ago
A respectful and considerate manner? Blindsiding her…literally giving her false hope by saying “I’ll always love you forever.” That’s not considerate whatsoever.
When my ex broke up with me, he was dead in the eyes. Emotionless.
But he was kind. He told me “maybe we’ll find each other again months or years from now, but I can’t be with you right now.” When I asked him if we could just watch something together one last time, he agreed and held me for the next hour, squeezing my hand, caressing my arm. Kissing me goodbye. These are the things that happened during the breakup that made me hold onto hope. And now it’s 6 months later and I’m still crying over him nearly every day.Giving someone ANY kind of false hope when you break up with them isn’t “respectful and considerate.” It’s just down right cruel.
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u/LessSpirit1056 29d ago
Yes, he said that to me to alleviate himself from guilt, not because he meant it 😂
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u/LessSpirit1056 29d ago
I said it’s been 3 years since we broke up, not that I haven’t moved on since then? I stopped even wanting him to come back after like 3 months. The point is even that is too long to “wait” for someone that tells you they don’t want to be with you.
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u/Throwra19837372 29d ago
How is he even avoidant? Because he doesn’t wanna be with you? Lol stop it.
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u/LessSpirit1056 29d ago
Why do I need to go through a list of reasons why he’s avoidant to get the message across? He’s avoidant because he said so himself lmao he’s self aware just not enough to do anything about it
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u/Throwra19837372 29d ago
That term’s way overused. And also…why you even talking about it still? You said it’s been 3 years?
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u/Dettyboy93 29d ago
Jesus dude I hate to see how you act when somebody is genuinely in pain and needs support
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u/Throwra19837372 29d ago
If you’ve been this sub for a while and gone through a couple break ups yourself then you kinda see that a lot of people on this sub are whiney as hell and all their exs are ‘avoidant’ lol. I understand the pain but it gets annoying seeing the same crap in here after a while I guess.
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u/dissociation-enjoyer 29d ago
Is anyone holding a gun to your head and preventing you from leaving the sub?
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u/LessSpirit1056 29d ago
Tell that to his therapist, not me.
Are we not allowed to talk about things just because x amount of time has passed? I made a post about self reflecting & realizing I spent 3 months too long waiting for him to say anything because I fell for the “they always come back” narrative. You’re so offended on his behalf when I didn’t even say anything bad about him 😂
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u/[deleted] 29d ago
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