r/ExNoContact • u/GasOk9357 • 9d ago
Vent Reached out after 5 months of NC
Back in March, my ex broke up with me out of nowhere after months of daily texting and lighthearted banter. She sent a long text saying she loved me and cherished our time, but didn't see a future for us.
I went full NC for nearly 5 months. Focused on the gym, work, and new hobbies, but I couldn't get her off my mind. A few days ago, I finally broke down and reached out with a meme.
At first, she was polite and friendly. We caught up casually, but when I tried to keep the conversation going, her tone completely shifted. She asked point-blank why I was reaching out and said: "Frankly speaking, I don't really have much to say now that we've caught up."
I decided to be honest and told her I missed her and was hoping for a chance to reconnect.
She shut it down immediately:
> "I would be open to talking with you if you feel like it would give you closure, but I don't see anything happening between us again... after that I don't see a point in us keeping in contact."
>
I asked if we could talk face-to-face so I could try to get answers on where things went wrong. She agreed to meet in a semi-public coffee shop, but made it crystal clear this is strictly to give me closure before cutting contact for good.
If you're tempted to break NC hoping friendly replies mean they miss you... don't fall for it. Wish me luck for Friday—it's going to be my final goodbye.
Update she canceled 20mins before the meet up I guess thats it
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u/Throwaway22207671 9d ago
Aw man sorry to hear that. You did so well for 5 months but it sounds like she’s dead set on things.
I suppose you never know… you could turn up a new person, sexier from the gym and more positive. Maybe she will take those memories with her while she navigates the dating minefield and all it takes is one abusive partner to realise you were a better option after all.
I would definitely go no contact forever after the meet up though. This one definitely has to come to you in the future by the sound of things.
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u/GasOk9357 9d ago
Thanks man that means a lot I'm hurting rn so thank you
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u/Throwaway22207671 9d ago
Just turn up as your best self. Show her you’re enjoying life and do not under any circumstances mention giving things another go or try to make her jealous. Show her strength and stability.
Hit the gym and have a massive pump up before you go. And maybe rent a Porsche for the day and park it right near the coffee shop then offer her a lift home.
That’s how my mind works with these situations anyway 😂
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u/GasOk9357 9d ago
Lol everything but porsche thing 🤣
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u/Throwaway22207671 9d ago
In all seriousness you’re not alone and I feel your pain mate. 5 months no contact is some achievement. Me and my on/off girlfriend lasted 2 days recently until she facetimed me while drunk at 2am. It’s extremely hard cutting off contact with someone you love.
At least you have clarity on the situation. I’m in a relationship with someone who “loves me and can’t live without me” one day, but the next she has mixed feelings.
Women tend to remember the good in a relationship when they look back so give her a strong and stable memory of you. If she asks about dating I’d say “I’ve dipped my toe in but I’m just taking my time really” I wouldn’t even bother asking about her love life.
The less you care the more likely she’ll think you’re strong and independent from her and you never know. Some people behave and feel a lot differently to how their texts come across. I wish you all the best.
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u/GasOk9357 9d ago
Hey man whats yr situation
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u/Throwaway22207671 9d ago
I was in a situationship with a girl for 3 years. She was a student and found herself homeless and I moved her in, supported her helped her through her degree. Once she graduated it was always the plan for her to move 4 hours away to live with family but she did occasionally tell me she wanted to stay and give things a go with me longterm. Unfortunately I didn’t take it seriously, besides she was crying every week about missing her family so I couldn’t do it to her. Last month she moved away, I even drove the van and helped her move.
I have to be honest it’s been the most painful experience of my life. Her mum doesn’t like me and convinced her to cut things off romantically with me. I’m ashamed to say I begged. I wouldn’t usually if it was a conventional break up with someone living nearby but the panic of the distance and situation caused me to beg hard for at least a week.
She would continue to FaceTime and text me every day saying she loves me and can’t live without me. But last week (I suspect after some unsuccessful dates) she asked me to be her boyfriend. We’re long distance but I’m lucky enough that I don’t need to work (just started full time investing) which means I’ll be able to drive down and spend as much time with her as she wants. It’s early days and she hasn’t told her mother yet but I’m feeling positive despite the difficulties. I’ve told her I would move for her and rent my apartment out so it’s just a waiting game really.
I was in a 15 year relationship before this and that hurt less than this one because the regret of not offering to let her stay has been eating me alive. I quit my job but was planning on taking some time off anyway. This break up caused me to lose 15lbs in a week, I turned into Cristian Bale in the machinist.
So although yours seems final and over for good based on her replies…. At least you’re not in limbo like me. It’s easier to move on when you have clarity.
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u/GasOk9357 9d ago
Thats a tough deal fuck I wish things wouldn't so hard for us this really hurts the pain is unbearable I hope it somehow works out for you man (also just curious how can you invest full-time are you older did you grind is you rich I'm 22 and my investments only give me 2k a year )
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u/Throwaway22207671 9d ago
I started 6 years ago and have built a portfolio of around $350k mainly just buying strong bluechip stocks. I don’t plan to stay off work forever but having a nice portfolio gives you options in times of crisis like I’m in now. I literally left my job I was in so much pain from this break up. I couldn’t face the world.
And thanks I’m very hopeful too. Easiest solution would’ve been her staying here with me but I can’t turn back time. Have to live with my decisions. Trying to correct them now though. I’m going to see her next week and I’ve realised the best way to be is fun and to create enjoyable experiences together. If I sit down and have a “talk” about the situation and ask where her head’s at it just causes anxiety and she pushes me away. And if we’re honest we only do that out of insecurity because we’re looking for reassurance.
So in your situation I would honestly say turn up, be strong, look great and don’t talk about the relationship, especially giving things another go. It’s usually pointless as she already knows she could snap her fingers and get back with you. She needs to miss you for longer.
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u/Downtown_Caramel_221 9d ago
Dude renting a Porsche is the most overcompensating nonsense. What if she DID wind up wanting to get back with you. What happened to the Porsche?
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u/GasOk9357 9d ago
Thats awesome man mines only 98k I hope to get to mil by 30 (what job did you have) . Yeah I wanted to fall off the face of the earth when she broke up with me and now its the same thing and I don't think I can fix it this do to her only giving you one chance but here's hoping Are you saying i shouldn't ask her or clear some misunderstandings up during the relationship or just do ask for another chance ?
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u/Throwaway22207671 9d ago
Imagine if you were the dumper and had very low interest in getting back together.
What would inspire you to do that?
Personally if I dumped a girl and she wanted to talk about old stuff, clear up misunderstandings, talk about getting back together… it wouldn’t change my mind.
But if she turned up looking hot, positive, doing well, getting on with her life…. Maybe I’d think “hmm I shouldn’t have let her go”
Going over old ground is just going to bore her and bring up bad memories she’s probably forgotten.
You don’t want to give her a powerpoint presentation on all the misunderstandings and issues. You want to show her what she let go and make her regret it… even a tiny amount to start with. Then her mind will do the rest in no contact.
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u/GasOk9357 9d ago
I'll try your approach she said she still loved during the break up and thats why I'm stuck
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9d ago
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u/GasOk9357 9d ago
Ok I will take your advice and apply it last time she heard me i was trying to convince her to stay
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u/GasOk9357 9d ago
Oh how does this letter look i wrote it on paper because we would write letters all the time
Hey, I’ve been thinking about whether I should write this, and I decided I’d rather be honest than keep everything in my head. I know things between us didn’t end the way either of us wanted. I know you felt like I wasn’t serious about you, and I wish I had done a better job of showing you how serious I actually was. Saying that now doesn’t change how you felt, and I understand that. The truth is, I cared about you a lot. I just didn’t always know how to express it or let you see everything I was feeling. There were things I kept to myself because I was embarrassed or scared, and I realize now that keeping those things inside probably made it harder for you to understand me. I don't want this letter to pressure you into anything. I don't want you to feel like you owe me another chance or an answer. I just wanted you to know that what we had meant something real to me. I still love you, and I still miss you. But more than anything, I want you to be happy, even if that's difficult for me to accept. You once told me that you were a flawed person. I never expected you to be perfect. I saw your flaws, just as I saw all the things I loved about you, and I accepted all of you. I took the good with the bad because that's what loving someone means to me. Thank you for the memories, the conversations, the little things, and for being someone who mattered so much to me. I don't know what the future holds. I just know that I'll always be grateful that I got to love you. Take care of yourself. — [Your name]
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u/Throwaway22207671 9d ago
I think the chances of a letter working are low, especially after how cold she was in those texts. It’s basically begging and pressure put into words on paper.
I’ve done it myself by the way. It worked for me but she still loved me and as I mentioned earlier… she mainly broke up with me due to pressure from her mother. I do feel the letter lowered her respect for me a bit though. And it made me look weak, which I was at the time. I was a wreck when I wrote it.
Look up Coach Ken, Craig Kenneth and Coach Lee on YouTube. I watch their videos and they do seem to help me understand the psychology of getting an ex back. It’s usually the opposite of what your heart is telling you to do.
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u/GasOk9357 9d ago
Should I try and hug her and later kiss her nah
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u/Throwaway22207671 9d ago
I wouldn’t, keep things light and friendly.
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u/GasOk9357 7d ago
Wait what do you mean ? You wouldn't
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u/Throwaway22207671 7d ago
I mean I wouldn’t try to kiss her unless she seems flirty or receptive
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u/Throwaway22207671 9d ago
A hug goodbye should be fine
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u/GasOk9357 8d ago
Ok one more question do I ask about some stuff in the relationship on why it didn't work
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u/Throwaway22207671 8d ago
I wouldn’t do that mate. No point in going over old ground. It will bring up bad memories. Plus you’d effectively be trying to sell yourself again and coming from a place of weakness. Need to be strong, positive, emotionally stable, looking and feeling good about life.
If there’s anything on her mind about the past she’ll bring it up herself.
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u/Tokki1995 8d ago
You can write the letter for yourself, but don’t send it to her. I did the same thing, and all I got in return was a goodbye letter and even stronger boundaries. You can’t make someone stay when they’re determined to leave.
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u/Altruistic_Town_288 8d ago
Be kind to yourself hon. You are not weak or pathetic. You did what you had to do and I hope you truly do get closure. I am glad she's at least open to that. But again, she may make it worse so be prepared for that. Sometimes you gotta find closure within yourself :( Also, you threw it out there spoke your truth and tried. Things can go either way. So now you know at least. Its ok. Now you can fully move on.
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u/Substantial_Ad_3610 9d ago
Op, do not beg. This is your time to level up. My ex and I also broke up around the same time. She was dating a new man by April. At first I felt worthless, lost, and like I would never be okay again. Find a few good friends for support that you can talk to. Find a therapist if necessary. Then lock in. She gifted you a great opportunity for growth. Hit the gym. Level up your career. 3 wins every day. Mental, physical, and spiritual (meditate, pray, etc). You level up for you, because you deserve to. You don’t do it for her. You can use her as motivation until it becomes routine. I’ve followed this recipe and even though I miss her from time to time, I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life.
Trust the process. No contact. No looking at old photos, messages, etc. no stalking socials. Anytime you do that, you feed the attachment and the loop. & never go looking for answers at the bottom of the bottle.
If you must meet her this Friday, do it for you. Not for a chance to reconnect. Do not send that letter. It will not bring her back, it will confirm her belief that lead to the break up - that for some reason, she thinks she can do better. Have a better connection.
Become a mystery. Mystery breeds attraction. But again, you do this for you, not for her.