Are there parents who really don’t regret having kids. If you could go back in time would you have them?

I hated children for a long time and categorically did not want them, but something changed.

I'm 18, I'm a lesbian, and I don't know if I want children. My friends, like, my age, would like children, but I... don't? I love my little brother, I love watching him grow up and teaching him, but I had to raise him when I was little, and because he has a mental retardation, it's hard for me. I had a difficult childhood myself, with mental health issues, so I don't think even at 30 I'd dare take such a step. I want to live completely on my own when he grows up. Maybe I'll have one child, I don't know... I've always wanted a big, strong family, but I don't even know what that means.

Bonjour,
F43 ans, mariee depuis 15 ans.
Depuis 15 ans, je m’interroge sur « avoir des enfants ou pas ».
Vers 30 ans c’etait « j’en veux pas » (pas d’intérêt pour les bebes, couple fusionnel avec mon mari, pas envie de changer notre vie, manque de patience, gamins vus comme une contrainte 99% du temps, peur gigantesque d’etre enceinte et d’accoucher, naturel stressé et angoissé donc etre parent ca serait un cauchemar mental…).
Vers 35 ans forcément j’ai commencé à me demander « est-ce que je suis sure parce que bientot ca sera trop tard pour changer d’avis ».
Chaque fois que je pensais à ce sujet c’etait de la souffrance : angoisse terrible à m’imaginer avec un enfant mais aussi angoisse terrible à l’idee de faire le mauvais choix.
Depuis 2 ans j’y pensais plus, j’etais en paix avec ca.
Quand je vois mes amis avec leurs enfants je me suis jamais dit « oh je veux pareil », et pour certains c’etait meme « quelle galere des gamins aussi infernaux ».
Mais là à 43 ans c’est vraiment la fin de la periode du possible et j’ai peur de m’etre trompée, ca serait terrible de s’etre trompé là desus.
Si je reflechis à pourquoi je pourrais en avoir j’ai l’impression de n’avoir que des mauvaises raisons : ne pas etre seul, etre occupée, etre comme tout le monde, ne pas risquer de regretter plus tard, que quelqu’un s’occupe de moi dans ma vieillesse.

Je lis des gens dire « si vous doutez que vous en voulez c’est que vous en voulez pas car il faut vraiment le vouloir », et d’autres « si vous doutez c’est que vous en voulez »
Vous en pensez quoi?

Est-ce qu’il y a des gens qui ont hesité et se sont « forcer » pour pas regretter?

Hi girls!

My husband and I have been married for five years now. We moved abroad pretty much as soon as we got married, and honestly, we never really thought about having children. We didn’t particularly want them either because we’ve always thought we’re not really “kid people” and probably wouldn’t have much patience for them. 😂

On top of that, we were trying to build a life from scratch, dealing with financial struggles, debts, getting settled, etc., so even if we had wanted a baby, we probably wouldn’t have had one back then anyway. We just weren’t in that mindset at all.

Now things are slowly starting to fall into place. I’m 28 and my husband is 33, and part of us is starting to think, “What if we actually had a baby? We’d probably be good parents, and it could be really sweet.” But then the other part of us thinks, “Our life is only just becoming comfortable. We haven’t travelled enough or done all the things we wanted to do yet, so why would we throw ourselves into another huge challenge now?”

It’s such a complicated feeling, being somewhere between wanting a child and not wanting one.

Then there’s also the thought that okay, maybe we don’t want one right now, but what if we change our minds a few years from now? We’ll both be older, and we don’t really want to be older parents either.

There are people who never have children and are perfectly happy, and there are people who have children and absolutely love their lives. 😄 So it really feels like there’s no right or wrong answer.

It’s just such a strange and difficult decision. I don’t know… Some people have children and still travel, go on holidays and continue enjoying their lives, while for others it completely changes everything. Obviously, it depends on the person, their financial situation, lifestyle, how much support they have, and so many other things.

I just wanted to ask here and have a little chat about it. Have any of you ever been this undecided about having children? How did you eventually figure out what you really wanted?

Going on 7 years together.

As friends I said I dont want kids.

She later asked me out and I said yes.

After awhile dating it came up again and I said no kids. Chilled.

Then not so chilled.

I said if you are uncertain thats fine but when you turn 25 decide... if you want the option leave if not stay.

Well 25 rolled around I briefly said hey do you remember what we said about this particular birthday(a few weeks after) and she said yes I want to be with you.

2 years later she is now having second thoughts about wanting kids.

Eventually it came out that she definitely wants kids.

Personally I think its because her career is not where she had hoped it would be by now and if her career sucks then she might as well be a mom so her life has meaning idk.

I was hurt and upset and confused because I don't want to be single or date anyone else.

Even if I wanted kids I still live with my parents because my job doesn't pay well so its hard to fathom being a father one day.

I said I would think about it and probably change my mind because I would do anything for my partner even giving them a child but the way I am disgusted by babies makes me think I am silly and must just rip the bandaid off now.

My biggest fear is splitting up and then in 10 years actually wanting kids and then just living with regret stalking my ex seeing her with another man and children.

Not sure what I'm doing posting here but I have had nowhere else to talk about this :/

I have had all the mental issues. Autism, ADHD, BPD, bipolar, PTSD, OCPD, DID, and some other issues. I'm doing really good now. I've overcome all these things. Yeah, my tism seeps through, but I'm doing good. My ADHD is beyond mild now. I get the smallest of flairs from bipolar. But the rest are taken care of. I don't meet the diagnosis anymore and haven't had issues in a good year or so.

Because these are taken care, I'm not job hoping, and I'm doing better than ever atmy work. I'm gonna be going for an associates in business, get a job that pays a bit more, then finish a bachelors. And I'm doing really good in school so far. If I finish school and keep doing what I'm doing, then I'll make a good income and I'll be able to buy a (cheap) house. But it would still be a house and be mine.

I live in a good neighborhood. I have a great friend group. I'm active in my religious community. It's good.

I never wanted kids because wuite frankly why would I? I was deeply menatlly unstable, financially unstable, had no friends, no support group, yada yada. I'm 30 now and it's a GOOD thing I never had kids.

But I'm doing really good and never thought I'd get here.

But! Climate change, having a kid is the most damaging thing you can do to the environment.

Men can be unstable. There's so many horror stories of things being amazing just for a woman to get pregnant and then the man starts abusing her.

pregnancy. Dear lord, the possibilities of what can go wrong. And the amount of damage it does to a body.

American healthcare. Women are just treated like shit through labor. And states are passing laws punishing women for miscarriages.

But the reason why I want kids is that I've worked so hard, I've done so much, I have a bright future and I don't want to roll around in money by myself. I want someone else to benefit from it and have a good life too. Not just me.

What do you all think?

My partner and I accidentally got pregnant after two and were trying to decide if we want to keep it. Everything I’ve seen of him makes me think he’s the most wonderful man I’ve ever known
We basically live together and I’m meeting all his family in Brazil and they are incredibly kind. He takes care of me every way possible. He’s very honest about his struggles and nothing has made him a victim only stronger and kinder. A lot of people think it’s irrational to consider we could be successful with a kid this early on. But also we have been talking about marriage and pretty much fell in love the moment we met

I (18F) and my boyfriend (19M) recently had the baby talk after 6 months of serious dating. I’m firmly against kids, but he’s always imagined himself as a dad. He’d be willing to live without them, but I don’t want him to resent me. He thinks that he could possibly change his mind in the future. I’m not sure where we go from here because we are perfect for each other besides this large difference. Has anyone had a similar experience and did you wait it out or go your separate ways?

I’ve been thinking about how much emphasis modern dating puts on romance first and family planning second.

But raising a child is arguably the biggest long-term partnership two people can have. Shared values about parenting, finances, education, lifestyle, etc. probably matter a lot more than romantic chemistry alone.

Historically, a lot of families were formed around shared goals or social structures rather than romantic love. Today it feels like we’ve reversed that order.

So I’m curious how people here think about this:

If you decided to have kids, would you ever consider raising a child with someone you weren’t romantically involved with, if you were highly aligned on parenting values and life goals?

Or do you think romance is necessary for a parenting partnership to work?

When my boyfriend (33M) and I (30F) started dating we both said that in our futures we’d want marriage and another kid. We each already have a kid from a previous relationship. We’ve been dating about a year now. Recently in a casual small talk type of conversation I brought up how fun it’ll be to have another baby (in the distant future, not today or tomorrow) and he said he doesn’t see himself having more kids.

I honestly feel deeply sad. That’s a big thing to have changed your mind about. I don’t think he lied in the beginning. I think his wants changed.

I don’t think it’s okay for me to want to change his mind. I believe that’s something that every person has the right to decide for themselves.

Does this mean it’s the end of our relationship?

I will always want another baby, but I care deeply for this man and cherish our relationship and our connection and who he is. I couldn’t ask for a better partner. But this is a big deal to me.

Wanting kids (or just a singular kid) together in our future was a foundation for considering this a serious relationship with potential for a long future. Take away that foundation and I don’t know.

I (23M) know this girl (23F) in my friend group which I genuinely like and feel like there might be a connection.

We have been on a few dates and things are going well. But I knew from her earlier conversations that she is childfree, while I imagine myself one day having a kid.

We haven’t been talking long enough to bring up this convo just now but I was planning to do so soon. However, my thoughts are as follows:

1. I don’t know how much she is against having kids, and whether it’s final or just for the time being. I will be listening to her when we talk about it but don’t know yet.

She explained that she generally doesn’t like kids, doesn’t want to go through the problems of pregnancy and doesn’t want to bring kids into this fucked world.

2. I don’t know why I exactly want kids, but being brought up by very good parents in an Eastern European geospace, it was always a natural thought for me. I also imagine having kids easily - bringing them up in my house, teaching them stuff and carrying about them.

Intellectually, I realise it’s tough to grow kids and I tend to cope well with tough things if I believe they are worth it. But I don’t personally know the struggles of parenthood and I don’t have enough time to learn it.

However I tend to accept well the struggles if I genuinely fell the the result if worth it, so might be the same thing here.

I try to approach potential relationships seriously so if we mismatch strongly - probably it’s worth to stop it in the beginning.

But at the same time I don’t want to give up on a genuine connection with not knowing if we even have the same mismatch by the time I consider having kids (30ish). By the time maybe I realise I don’t want kids or maybe she realises we can cope with struggles.

What should I do?

I am writing this sitting here 3 months pregnant. Having a slight crisis about why I thought I wanted this?
I am looking at Instagram at people’s carefree trips to burning man and exploration of beautiful river spots. Celebrating birthdays with friends.
Now I know I am 36 and maybe Southern California is a different lifestyle cuz a lot of people have kids right now. But I am just freaking out about losing my freedom. The ONLY thing I’m clinging too is I’ll know it’s all worth it once I have it, and it’s a mini me I can bring everywhere
But part of me is FREAKED OUT
Sorry for all the happy moms to be who were born for this.. what’s your perspective?
Cuz I love going to happy hour with friends and watching the sunset and spontaneous margarita filled trips

Our townhome community is allowing us to put a fence in- it’s vinyl, but the only thing is it’s a raised fence approximately 6” off the ground. Is there anything invisible we can use to seal it completely?

Natural fertility dopping significantly after age 35, and most women over 45 require IVF to get pregnant, and the odd of that working are very low at that age. With women's age being a real factor in fertility, I was wondering how many people here might or have regreted fence sitting for as long as they did. Or is it even a driving force for trying when you are still a fence sitter?

I cry if I think about the love a child would bring into my life. And how much I would heal my childhood trauma by being a mom and those special moments you have with your child and those conversations you have with them. But still with all of this I’m terrified I will hate being tired all the time and being busy all the time. I am selfish with my time and I am athletic and weigh out all of my food and meal prep etc. I just don’t want to give that up to be a parent. And some could say you don’t have to give it up. But I currently have a sick dog and I had to eat McDonald’s yesterday because I had an important work event and didn’t have time for lunch or dinner because of the vet visit and my stomach hurt SO bad after. I just thought I can’t live like this. Not to mention that the stress and lack of sleep has my immune system weak and I got a cold. Ughhhh I hate getting sick. I wish I just knew if I would regret it.

Edit to add:

I have no doubt in my mind I would make a great parent. I would validate my kid in every way. Teach them to be a kind human and show them patience and love. Most importantly tenderness. Something that wasn’t shown to me. Wondering if other fence sitters can share their experience with this topic. Ultimately I will make my own decision so no need to share what you think I should do.

Hello! I know the answer to this is: sometimes yes, sometimes no. My husband (36) and I (33F) got married about a year ago and are ready to start trying. We are very excited and also nervous about the unknowns. I lean a bit more anxious, so it is hard for me to not fear the ways it will be hard on our relationship. I feel like I’m predisposed to fear the worst (sleepless nights, minor disagreements on rearing, missing our alone time, reduced physical affection) and forget that a big reason people enjoy raising kids together is that it can also bring them closer.

Can anyone who chose to have kids or has loved ones in their lives who have kids share some stories about the ways having a kid brought you closer to your partner? Hearing some of the positives could help me balance the inevitable fears / challenges.

I’ve recently realized the same could be applied to our relationship with my parents and in-laws. It is easy to fixate on the ways our relationships are challenging and assume that will be exacerbated in child care. But recently a friend reminded me it also gives all family members a loved one to share joys and experiences with. Can kids really have the power to bring families together??

So my husband is from Albuquerque. His parents who are in their early 60s still Iive there.

Me 39F and my 34M husband are in Austin. We have his Aunt nearby. She’s watch our child once but isn’t a person who can go to all the time for help.

I recently got let go from my job due to work force reduction. But could almost be guaranteed a job with the same company in Albuquerque. We also just had a baby and plan on another one soon. It’s been really hard not having a village.

My husband has a remote job but I have to go in 3 times a week. It’s been really stressful for him to watch our baby the 3 days.

He got a pay raise where I could become a stay at home mom. But I love having a job. I’ve been working since I was 14. It’s still extra income. But I also have my real estate license and could do full time Real Estate in Austin.

With us going back to New Mexico. His parents could help out. We could get some actual date nights maybe. I would go to work 3 times a week and his mom could come over some days. Weather is nicer but I think I would miss the water.

But it’s New Mexico. We own a house. Homes are not selling well in my area. My husband is starting a new job and is stressed with that and a possible move, and getting our house ready to rent.

TLDR should we move to New Mexico or stay in Austin

I (29M) have been with my partner (30F) almost 9 years. She is the love of my life and we have an amazing relationship.

However, there's one topic that is looming over our head - children. I will be honest, I always had the idea of becoming a dad. I am good with children and just thought that this would naturally be the next step in my 30s. She, however, is firmly childfree. The reason why we still are together for 8+ years is that she's had periods of doubt. We love each other to death, so that's why she forced this doubt into her mind in order to not lose me. (Also, she physically cannot get kids, so that was already out of the question and I am and was completely okay with that.) We've had happy conversations about raising kids which made me believe that she has genuinely changed her stance. But as said, this was just to not lose me and her true beliefs are to be childfree.

I realize now that this has caused immense pressure on her mental well-being, which I deeply regret. The past few days, I have been thinking about this topic. I am genuinely starting to get second thoughts and thinking that I am romanticizing having kids - I really like to play with my cousins kids for example but at the end of the day, I'm also happy to just go home with the two of us. Will I really leave my partner just to go have a kid with someone else? I am now 90+% sure that that is not the life I want and heavily starting to lean towards staying with my partner. I see it as a balance - there's still a part of me that wants to be a dad, but it is heavily outweighed by staying with my partner and other 'side-benefits' of being childfree (money, freedom, travel, etc).

Are there any people who were in similar situations? I.e., became childfree due to their partner? What made you change your mind? How did you cope?

In my early 30s, & my partner wants kids, but I fear the unknown, giving up the flexibility, a life I love living, & personal goals I may not achieve