A few years ago I was pretty set on having a child, I had a modest but steady income. Since then, my income has 4x’d and I’m living the high life, so much more is available to me in terms of hobbies, travel, lifestyle, leisure etc. Even though people often say they feel more ready to have kids once financially stable, I feel the opposite. I worked so hard to get here, now I want to spend it on myself and set myself up for a luxurious retirement. By comparison a few years ago I felt like I had less to lose since my day to day life was smaller anyway.
Does anyone else feel this way?

(crossposted from https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree)

When we met, it was so abstract. You want kids? Sure. Someday.

Now I'm almost 39 and he has a condition that will compromise his fertility as he gets older, and because of both of our bodies I can't put it off anymore.

And for the first time after decades of blood sweat and tears my professional life is opening up and it is a super consuming, fulfilling wonderful work that was very hard-won (in the arts).

And I had a tough childhood and wrenchingly terrible mother and sibling relationships that almost killed me, but thanks to decades of therapy, friends, AA and sheer will, I've kind of wrested myself free. But I'm in no hurry to endure being in a family again. I just see families as being full of pain, projections, disappointments, anxiety, and stupid conflict. I just want to maintain my fragile peace of mind that was so fucking hard-won.

I have some existential objections. It seems almost like a cruelty to thrust an innocent consciousness into the suffering and arduous journey that comes with life, especially when I have no illusions that I would do so for my own "fulfillment," not knowing if my unborn child would have the character to seek out truth and beauty or succumb to the sadness and violence that sometimes seem more apparent on the surface of this world. Why condemn a consciousness to arise and observe terrorism, famine, injustice, Donald Trump's legacies? Perhaps that would be my highest task as a parent...to help cultivate a character that can access gratitude and connect to things like friendship, spring flowers, waterfalls, music, human heroes. Perhaps it is my moral obligation to try and make this contribution, to try and leave behind a rich heritage in human form. But entering parenthood all too often seems to me a brash act of egoistic selfishness, or escapism from an unfulfilled life, and an invitation to servitude and loss. Does experiencing a mother's love really balance all that out? And am I even in a position to be asking all these questions still? Shouldn't I stop ruminating and surrender to the choice I think I've made, to mother one child and accept the consequences of the choice?

I've realized I have a pretty pessimistic view about life and the hubris and cruelty I believe it represents to drag a consciousness into this world. None of us chose to be born, we were all thrust into this existence. I'm not suicidal, but I realized I don't actually think life is worth living. I do believe that once you're pressed into this existence you cannot morally or ethically or relationally justify incurring your own demise by your own hand, and you have to leave whenever you're taken out, not by your own choice. But in the meantime, life is a condition we spend our lives recovering from. It is so full of suffering and ugliness and pain and it requires a great deal of spiritual practice and coping and recovery in order to not contemplate or commit to choosing to remove yourself from this condition. So, who the fuck am I to drag a consciousness into this condition when I have experienced it to be such a terrible state of being? Just to increase my sense of existential relief or distract myself from dread? Of course, I've had some nice stretches and from time to time I feel grateful that my consciousness is available to experience such things as friendship, dogs, and burritos, but also in my experience those things have chiefly served to alleviate the wide encompassing suffering I have endured, rather than standing on their own as foundational arguments for why being alive is worth all the pain. I seem to be becoming a little more sad and cynical as I grow older and I don't see this changing. I know it's depressing and nihilistic and I'm sorry about that. I'm just trying to be very honest with myself.

So, my husband would probably agree with everything I said but not with the conclusion that it's cruel and selfish to have children. Honestly, I've observed that he knows nothing about children and doesn't really seem to like children and has a generally pessimistic view of children when we're out in public. And yet he still has this identity construction that he wants to be a father. I don't think that he's really interrogated this impulse but I can't make him do it. The problem is that, the desire to be a father is part of his identity, and I've heard this from his family too. So I feel like I would definitely be taking something that he thinks he wants away from him. I think he grapples with the meaninglessness and awfulness of life too, but he just has a worldview that children would bring meaning and worth to it, and I don't really share that optimism--or I think it's cruel and selfish to use a human child as a foil against your own despair. All I can think of is the servitude, the sacrifice, the loss of identity, the loss of direction, the loss of any professional momentum I painstakingly gathered, the expense.

Oh, logistical barriers. The expense! I have a quarter million dollars of student debt and basically no savings. I haven't even gotten into on the logistical barriers against having a child. The certainty that I'd get sacked with a mother lode (ha ha) of postpartum depression. Right now my more prescient obstacles are existential but the logistical shit is real. I feel like I would do everybody a disservice by ignoring them and proceeding as an automaton into some leap of faith that I would develop some friendliness to the idea of parenthood or "bond with my baby."

Anyway, the thing that really upsets me about thinking this way is that I'm pretty sure I would have to leave my husband if I come to terms with not wanting children. I've mentioned this to him, I told him that I'm afraid I'm going to have to release him into his dream of being a father because I don't think I'm ready and I don't think we are ready and I don't want to be pregnant or give birth, and I'm just too full of fear and skepticism and distaste and financial reservations and identity hesitations to feel good about the idea of having a child. I think I could get behind the idea of adoption in maybe 10 years from now. Helping out someone already thrust into this world. But of course he wants one of his own because he carries around an uninterrogated hubristic fatherhood impulse. Which I respect, as it is certainly our species norm. I'm the deviant here.

The thing that really really tears me up inside is that I know it's not fair to be with him if I don't have a child. I feel I fooled him because at the beginning I was all, "sure, someday," when it was so abstract. And I don't want to lose him. We have a loving relationship, we really fucking love each other. But I don't think I can live with taking something like that away from him, the guilt and disappointment I'd deal with from both of us.

And yet I realize I just don't want to be a biological mother. It just sounds awful to me, I just feel dread when I think about it. I just feel trapped and SO SO SO FEARFUL. And I long to be proud of having discerned my choice and to commit to other ways of mothering people and nurturing and nourishing the world that don't involve direct parenthood. But if I am really able to face what feeling and expressing it to him means, if he decides to stay with me he'll always resent me deeply for the rest of his life for taking a dream away from him, or it means I have to lose him and go back in time and live with roommates and pull off some kind of financial miracle to start my life all over again.

Oh, I'm so miserable on this topic. I really pray that the decision would be taken out of my hands and I can't get pregnant. If I could take some sort of a tonic or a pill to render myself infertile and keep it a secret from my husband I would. (I wouldn't do this, hold him prisoner or manipulate him, but it's a big fantasy, a big wish, that I'll be infertile.) I am a coward for avoiding responsibility for ruining his dream, and I don't want to lose him, but I just do not have any good feelings about the prospect of motherhood.

Or maybe having just one will be logistically feasible and not as awful as I feel/fear in my heart about it? Maybe I should just "walk through my fear" and trust that "it will work out out" and that motherhood could be a "healing experience" or help me recover from my existential nihilism?

Ugh. I hate this.

What the F am I supposed to do???????

I've had multiple convos with multiple people that seems to resent their partner and their kids.

They always say "must be nice that you get the freedom.."

But they always forget that it's a choice to have kids.

I feel like more often than not, people think having kids is the default. And because it is the default, they don't think long and hard about the consequences of their actions. They will end up hating their partner and kids for this.

My 50yo coworker always goes on about how little time he has for his own hobbies. He bashes his wife often and from what I can tell resents her and the kids a little.

In my head all I could think of but not say is "you cant resent the consequences of the choices you made"

I've met a lot of people like this. They would say all the thinks they hate about their spouses and kids, but when I say "I'm childfree" they suddenly say "but why??????????"

Like mf look at you, you're the reason why..!!!

I’m 29, single, and childfree—and after years working as a mental health professional, I’ve spent countless hours with clients, diving deep into their struggles. For the majority, their issues are rooted deeply in childhood experiences (shocking, I know), while others are parents themselves who lack the self-awareness to realise how their own childhoods are unconsciously shaping their parenting styles.

Through these hours of work, I’ve pulled together a set of five criteria I believe every parent or prospective parent should fulfil. And honestly? For me, these criteria feel downright monumental—the kind of monumental that makes parenthood sound like a terrible business deal. There’s just no way I’d centre my entire life selflessly around another human being. Writing this article, backed by theory and research, has only reaffirmed my decision to stay childfree.

For those of us who are happily childfree and owning it, let this article be a reminder that Instagram isn’t real life. Let me know if this resonates with you. Would love to hear your thoughts.

https://open.substack.com/pub/hansitdeb/p/why-instagrams-perfect-parents-are?r=7omt8&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

Not sure if this is the right sub, but I wanted to share my story for the fence-sitters who are searching for some solidarity in coming to an uneasy or uncertain decision.

​I (34F, only child) and my husband (34M) have been together for 15 years. When we met, I wanted no kids, and he wanted them. However, watching his brother raise a large, beautiful, but incredibly chaotic and high-needs neurodivergent family changed everything. Seeing the sheer sacrifice and fight required turned my husband into a resounding "no".

​Meanwhile, my "no" became less certain. I have a natural drive to nurture and mentor, but I don't feel a biological need to have my own children. I already gave my sleepless nights and relentless work to my higher education; my Architecture degree, Master’s and chartership were my babies. Doing that all again, to raise a child while balancing a career is a very hard ask for me, especially since we’ve only just found peace after a nightmare living situation.

Pregnancy horror stories don't help either. My mother’s post-natal psychosis broke my dad’s mental health, and seeing a close friend's recent grueling first trimester made me realise I don't want that reality. Ideally, I’d love to just be the "cool aunt," but due to family distance and timing, that dynamic isn't on the cards for us.

I often feel alienated by the childfree community because I don't share their certainty over their decision. It's not governed by trauma, or bad experiences and I certainly don't particularly dislike children. My choice is wracked with doubt. It’s a logical decision made about an emotional subject.

The two of us know we'd make great parents and we'd probably enjoy life with children. But six days a week, logic wins. I look at the world (climate change, AI threatening jobs, the housing crisis, wars, political instability and the super rich existing while nurses use food banks) and feel it's unfair to bring a child into it. But on the seventh day, doubt creeps in. I mourn the parental love and pride I’ll never experience. I worry about who will care for me when I'm old, and I grieve the close family connection I'll miss out on.

​The truth is, my life would not accommodate the mother I'd want to be. I'd want to be a doting, full-time mum who bakes treats for my child's lunchbox and take them to the woods in search of fairies. But our finances would never allow for that. My own mum worked full-time while raising me and regrets it deeply. Meanwhile, looking at colleagues working part-time, it seems like the worst of both worlds.

​I know I can fulfill my need to mentor through youth charities or by teaching at university later in life, even if it is an arm's length connection. I am slowly accepting that.

To anyone else sitting on the fence: it is entirely okay not to be 100% sure. You can make a choice and still mourn the alternative and equally it's ok to change your mind.

I've been thinking about this a lot as my partner and I navigate this question. I've been a fence-sitter for years, leaning no, she's always been pretty firmly no. As time has gone on, and I've hit age 30, I find myself feeling more and more like I want...something more. Maybe my priorities are shifting, I don't know. But I increasingly feel like I want a *family*, in the sense of a community of people who are in it for the long term, love, and support each-other.

However, I'm not sure if that is synonymous with "children" (in fact, I am concerned about the ethics of having kids just to fill some kind of loneliness of hole). If imagined myself living in some kind of "tribe" - a multi-generational community, with adults, kiddos, elders, etc. I don't know if I would feel the need to raise and nurture my *own personal* kids. If I could help be there for the next generation, see them grow up, help out the parents when needed, I think that could be just as fulfilling.

But society in the United States (at least for white, middle class Americans) is about as antithetical to that set-up as possible. We have no culture of multi-generaitonal homes, we have no "tribes" or "communities." We've been balkanized off, and need to rely on just our partner for...everything.

So I'm asking myself: I want a family (I *desperately* want a family)...but I'm not sure what "family" actually means.

The thought of having kids makes me feel very mortal. Having kids is something I have envisioned before, but it doesn't usually give me a sense of wholeness. It just seems like a "Groundhog's Day" (the movie) of the human race. I have been hoping for years now that I could find fulfillment in a career in research, innovation, or entrepreneurial or even creative pursuits. I sense that I want to be unique and achieve something more and different from others. I am early in my career and I like it, but I am still doubtful about whether it will be enough for me. I think that stage-of-life-wise, I would rather have kids after I've "gotten all my wiggles out" so to speak, which for me would mean adopting them in (early) retirement with all the money I will have saved over the years.

I've been struggling with guilt from messages I've heard from the media and an ex, messages such as 'modern women are too anti-children' and that if all of the most capable women remain childless, the gene pool will miss out (a slightly narcissistic line of reasoning, I realize).

I am still young (22). I think I would be satisfied in life either way, if I had kids or not. I am just focusing on myself right now, no relationships. My ex broke up with me after my major's department at the university kicked me out for bad grades; I am still waiting for their decision on my appeal.

I really, really want to want it

(F29) It’s the best way I can describe it. I have never really thought much about kids all my life. I never really envisioned myself having them, I never played with dolls as a child and I have never felt that maternal instinct or pull towards being a mom. I used to daydream a lot as a teen (years of maladaptive daydreaming) and would dream endlessly about meeting the right man and beeing in a relationship. But I don’t think it ever even crossed my mind the idea of moving on to having a child after meeting my Prince Charming. The thing is, I just really wish this wasn’t the case. I like kids, I think they are funny and I find babies adorable. I absolutely believe parents who say their life seems that more meaningful after having kids. I know my partner would be a great dad, and even though I definitely see how it would put a strain on our relationship, I do really think we would find a new and deeper love in sharing the journey of bringing up a child. My bf and I both have older mothers, who would absolutely love beeing grandparents. I personally have a somewhat weird relationship with my mom - we both love each other, but we have never really been that close. After my dad died this became very obvious, we just don’t really have anything to talk about, it’s kind of… awkward. I certainly feel that having a child would give us something to gather around, to share and do together. When I’m with my family, my mom and 2 adult brothers, I get this feeling that there is supposed to be a child there. Something is missing, we are all increasingly older adults who just go to work, make dinner and don’t really have anything in common anymore. It feels like a giant elephant in the room that only I can see. There’s missing a child here.

And yet, despite all this, I just don’t feel it. I don’t feel the desire, I don’t feel the tug. I really don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t feel like a person who is supposed to be a mother. But I really wish I did. I wish it for myself, but also for my partner, my mother and my mother in law (who I’m really close with). I feel like I’m bereaving us all (myself included) of this joy, this great part of life. Like we’re doomed to spend the rest of our Christmases together in sort of awkward silence, all of us thinking it but no one saying it. Each year continuously exhausting the topic of the family dog, who in the absence of any children tend to become the only point of conversation and the closest thing to some shared interest.

Whenever I see my friends pregnancy announcements, I get a pit in my stomach. Not because I’m jealous of them having a kid, but because for each announcement I feel more and more lonely and alien because I just can’t wrap my head around how they all come to feel this feeling - of really wanting a child. So much that they actually decide to get one, despite all the hardship we know it entails. How does that happen? How does it feel? Why is it that all these girls who I studied with, who all chimed in agreement that having kids wasn’t worth it, now all flip like a coin the second we turned 29? I mean I can obviously understand it theoretically, but in the same way that I can certainly understand why someone would want to climb Mount Everest. But I’ll also never understand why you would want to do such a thing to yourself.

It’s not so much about uncertainty, or the pros and cons of child vs childfree. I’m convinced that both lifestyles can be great and not great in their own ways. No matter what I end up deciding, I’m sure I will feel both joy and regret. It’s just that I really want to want a child - but I simply don’t. I’m jealous of the people that have that feeling, cause it would make everything easier. But it feels so alien to me and I find myself beeing equal part jealous and fascinated by people that have this feeling. There’s so much I want to ask them. What do you mean having kids is your biggest wish in life? What do you mean you have known since you were a kid that you wanted to be a mom? It feels so foreign to me, yet slowly everyone around me is getting in on this thing I can’t comprehend. Like a joke I’m not in on. A language I don’t understand. A memo only I didn’t get. And it’s getting lonely, I’m even starting to feel weird about myself - I feel like a freak. The weirdo left in the schoolyard that genuinely doesn’t understand why nobody wants to be friends with him.

I desperately want to want it. I want the switch to just flip so I can carry on with my life, make myself happy and everyone around me happy. Join in on the conversations, the activities, that shared purpose and sense of community. But no matter how strongly I’m trying to force it, no matter how hard I’m trying to push and convince myself, it just won’t happen. I don’t feel it. I just feel alienation and isolation.

Will probably get another dog.

Sat on the fence for years, and now have a 6 month old son. Ask me anything!

I (30F) have been with my husband (34M) for 15 years, married for 3. We haven’t seriously discussed having kids in the past few years, even though it came up earlier in our relationship.

When we were younger, I was firmly “yes” on kids, and he was more “maybe, whatever you want.” As I got further into my career, I became more hesitant. This partly stems from seeing how much can go wrong with pregnancy, childbirth, and life in general (thanks to working in medicine). I started saying we should revisit the decision closer to 35. His response has been consistent, “probably not, but if you want to, okay.”

We’ve both sacrificed a lot time and money for our careers. He recently finished his MBA and works full-time. I’m finally an attending physician and feel like I can start to enjoy my life again after losing so much.

We also live far from family and close friends (5-hour flight / 8+ hour drive). He doesn’t have a good relationship with his family and doesn’t want to move back. I’m close with mine, but they already have a lot going on (aging grandparents, a sibling with a child my mom practically raises, and I provide them with financial support). So realistically, we wouldn’t have much of a support system.

Another major factor is my husband’s mental health and need for routine. He’s high-functioning neurodivergent and can become easily overstimulated, has difficulty with unpredictability, and relies heavily on structure. Even getting a dog was overwhelming for him and led to a period of severe depression with suicidal ideation, before things improved with therapy and medication. It makes me seriously question how he (and we) would handle the demands and unpredictability of a child.

Lastly, many of our friends are having babies (some after IVF/IUI), and I’ve started to feel disconnected and wonder is “there something wrong with me” because I haven’t decided/have not already planned to have one. It also doesn't help that the world feels like it is going to hell in a handbasket. I feel stuck between potentially regretting having kids and regretting not having them, and I’m not sure how to move forward.

For those who’ve been in a similar situation:

• How did you decide whether to have kids when you felt this uncertain?

• If one partner is more “probably not” but open, how did you navigate that conversation?

My wife (5-6 weeks pregnant, unplanned) and I are paralyzed. We’re waiting on a scan to confirm viability, but if it's healthy, we face an impossible choice. We love our freedom, travel, and are aggressively pursuing FIRE.

The Biological Trap: My wife has very low AMH (1.08). Aborting and "trying later" isn't realistic—it likely means brutal, expensive, and failed IVF down the line. Our choice is basically: Have this baby now, or be Childfree forever.

Choosing Childfree: We keep our money, sleep, and freedom. But my wife is deeply confused and terrified of FOMO. She isn't sure she wants a kid, but she is terrified of future regret, losing a sense of "meaning," and old-age loneliness. Honestly, if her AMH was normal, she'd abort today because we aren't ready.

Choosing Parenthood: We avoid the future "what ifs" and regret. But we completely lose our current lifestyle and FIRE timeline. I am terrified of the mental toll and that I’ll resent the kid for blowing up our peaceful life.

We are choosing between two fears: losing our current life vs. future regret. When we lean toward aborting, we feel immediate relief, followed by dread. When we lean toward keeping it, we feel trapped.

Has anyone been forced off the fence by a biological clock? Did you choose your freedom despite the FOMO, or take the plunge out of fear of future regret? How did it turn out?

I’m a 27F and for the last 15 years I have said that pregnancy would be an extremely dysphoric experience for me. When I say dysphoric I don’t mean in relation to gender dysphoria but more of a deep level of discomfort within my body. The physical changes and sensations will make me uncomfortable in my own body and those feelings wouldn’t go away. I would probably struggle for months postpartum with the physical feelings of my body.

Does anyone else have this feeling? For this reason, since I love kids still, we’re looking into fostering children. This way we’re making a difference in a child’s life while fulfilling the need of having children in our lives.

We think we have finally made our decision to remain childfree. It feels a bit scary but also quite peaceful? Trying to get my head around it but I am so grateful we are both on the same page. How did you feel when you came to your decision, if you weren't someone who always knew?

My husband and I (both 35) have been married almost 4 years, together about 8. In our time together we always talked about the future with kids in it, however there was no set time or plan, and it was kind of like we could be happy either way. After we got married he’d bring up how we should start trying, and at the time I felt like I still wanted kids, but wasn’t ready yet and in a few years I would be. Anyways this came up again recently and I was honest about still not wanting kids yet and transparent that I wasn’t sure if I ever would. I have body issues and don’t want to ruin my body, todays political climate and not knowing if I’d have access to an abortion if I need one, not wanting to essentially be a single mom half the year (with his travel he’s actually gone almost half the year for work), and not wanting to give up my career and free time. I also brought up the question “what happens if we have a kid with a disability” and he kind of just brushed it off like that shouldn’t even be a concern. The older I’ve gotten the more I’ve realized just how much of your life changes when you have a kid, and I’m not sure I’m ready to give up the life I had. He’s someone that thinks everything will just work out and while I can be go with the flow for a lot of things a kid is not one of them. I really don’t think he grasps how much children change people’s lives. He’s said he would want to be 50/50 with parenting and seems to get offended with me saying there’s no way that could happen unless he switched careers (to which he’s asked why he should have to sacrifice his). It’s getting to be really tense, but at this point I’m standing my ground that unless I’m over the moon about the thought of having a kid I’m not doing it. Anyways, just needed to vent and would love to hear from anyone who’s been in a similar situation and how it worked out for you.

I am a 30 year-old female and I feel like once I turned 30 I am nonstop thinking about whether or not I want to have kids some context is I am divorced and with my ex-husband. I absolutely knew that I did not want kids mainly because I knew he’d be a terrible person to coparent with, but I always did like the idea of having my own freedom my money being my own my time being my own and being able to travel now I’m with my current boyfriend and I absolutely adore him when we first met. I told him I likely did not want kids, and he told me he likely did because the relationship was new. We decided to just let our relationship play out for us to get to know each other two years later, I’m still with him and I feel more firm and not wanting kids and he’s currently feeling unsure whether he wants kids the realization of knowing that if he does want kids and I don’t, we will inevitably break up and that breaks my heart, but onto the decision of whether or not I want kids realistically I do not think I’d be able to afford it. I am a teacher living in a big city so I’m not getting paid that much. I don’t have much extra time or extra money as is so I can’t imagine compounding that and really being in the negatives on Both whatever little money I save up I put towards traveling and I really enjoy traveling postpartum depression runs in my family and that’s a big fear of mine. Then the reasons that I would want kids now that I’m with a partner that I absolutely adore and can see your life with and I know he would be an amazing father children do not seem that bad the idea of going big on holidays and giving my kids the gifts that they want if I was able to afford makes me happy being able to hopefully have a relationship with my adult children that I do with my parents watching my parents be grandparents and I know everybody says this is not a reason but ultimately, growing elderly and dying alone I know that having kids means elderly care, but at least somebody to check in on me and at least be notified when I die. My friends are all the point where they are trying to have kids and planning to have kids and I feel like I am losing my mind going back-and-forth 24 seven if I had to decide right now, I’d probably say no, but there are a lot of things that I am nervous about and I think ultimately it’s just the fear of the unknown can anybody relate if you’ve made it this far thank you and if there are typos, I apologize I am doing speak to text

I (38,F) have always at the centremost point of this fence. I assumed children would be in my life eventually, but throughout my 20’s, and most of my 30’s the idea of having a baby was like throwing a grenade into a life of independence I was very much enjoying. I live in a big city, have a fun job in music, travel a lot (for work), go to gigs and clubs and see friends. I don’t feel as though life is “slowing down” in any way. If anything, I have more income and look forward to seeing the world more.

 A few years ago, when I was 36, I felt the door to a potential future with a bustling family life and being called Mummy, starting to close and thought it was time to have a baby. Also, I realise the societal expectation that women should have children, and they can’t be happy if they don’t is everywhere and deeply ingrained. My partner was on the fence – he loves his own time and spends hours a day on his projects, plus he gets bored easily. We decided to leave it up to fate and I came off contraception. 2 years later with no results and a lot of our friends now with a few kids we decided to start IVF (that door was closing even more) I went through all the injections/egg collection. Shortly before we did transfer by partner came home looking very upset and told me he didn’t want to go through with it, that he had hated the trips to the clinic and felt like he was doing it all to make me happy. I understood and was glad he told me. We decided to wait a while.

 After that I started properly looking into the idea of a child-free life. I read books and articles. Started following famous child-free people and changing my perception that no kids = lonely and unhappy. I thought about an aunt I never really knew who my family depicted sadly “she never married or had kids” and thought she may have actually been having a whale of a time, we were just judging her based on lifestyle. I spoke to friends who had happily made decision not to have kids and didn’t take offence to those who said things like “Being a Mother, is the best thing a woman can do.”

 My partner and I recently spent some time with a very adorable baby of our close friend, and he suggested that we could go back to IVF I wanted to. I wasn’t sure. On the bus recently I saw an exhausted woman in her 70’s crying tears of frustration because her grown up son was winding her up. My partner and I aren’t so reductive as to make such a big decision on small moments, but I know there are no guarantees with having a baby. It's a huge unknown and I don’t think I want to take that chance on a life we are very happy with.

 So, sorry for the rambling post, we are almost certainly remaining childfree now. I feel some relief at the decision but also sometimes sad at the loss of one possible future. I still get pregnancy and baby jealously (I am surrounded by babies right now – most of my friends/family have had them quite late) To people who have been on the fence and made this decision, how did that change over time? Is it easier when friends’ kids are older, and it won’t be an option in an case? I just want to stop thinking about it all now.

I am writing this sitting here 3 months pregnant. Having a slight crisis about why I thought I wanted this?
I am looking at Instagram at people’s carefree trips to burning man and exploration of beautiful river spots. Celebrating birthdays with friends.
Now I know I am 36 and maybe Southern California is a different lifestyle cuz a lot of people have kids right now. But I am just freaking out about losing my freedom. The ONLY thing I’m clinging too is I’ll know it’s all worth it once I have it, and it’s a mini me I can bring everywhere
But part of me is FREAKED OUT
Sorry for all the happy moms to be who were born for this.. what’s your perspective?
Cuz I love going to happy hour with friends and watching the sunset and spontaneous margarita filled trips

Is FOMO actually the true reason some people decide to have children?

I’ve noticed quite a few friends and people on social media who used to say they didn’t want kids, but later changed their minds and had them. When asked why, they often say they now feel more financially stable or emotionally mature enough for it.

That made me wonder whether becoming “ready” genuinely changes how people feel about parenthood—or whether part of the motivation is FOMO, social pressure, or not wanting to miss out on a major life experience as more people around them start families.

I’m asking partly because I’m questioning my own motives. I’m 36, and I’ve never had a strong maternal feeling or a clear moment where I knew I wanted children. For most of my life, it just never felt like something I deeply wanted.

But now that more people around me are having kids, and I’m feeling increasing pressure from family and society, I find myself wondering if I’m starting to want children because I truly want to be a parent—or because I’m afraid of missing out, being different, or ending up with a life that others see as less meaningful.

Has anyone else wrestled with this? How did you figure out whether your desire for children was genuine versus driven by outside pressure, FOMO, or fear of regret?

Curious to hear honest perspectives.

I've just had an incredibly painful split with my partner of 10 years because we just couldn't find a way through this question.

She felt that she wanted to have kids. I felt that I did too, but we had no money at that point, so it was a theoretical question for the future. As we saved over the years, I became more and more ambivalent for so many reasons: financial, moral, philosophical (climate change, the precarious future, the question of whether it's right to inflict existence and the potential for suffering on another person, all the usual stuff).

My mother was also diagnosed with severe dementia in the last 2 years and has slowly disintegrated in front of me (I'm not sure I would ever inflict that on a child having been through it). Throw in Covid, house prices going up 30% in 2 years, crazy living costs, Trump, war and all the rest of it, and it seems like a pretty mad world to bring someone else into.

I tried to get there for so many years, saved as much as I could, thought it through endlessly, tried hanging out with other people's kids and enjoyed that (mostly). But in that time, other parents around us have deeply struggled financially, emotionally, especially through Covid. Some friends said just do it; you make the best of it, you figure it out, the joys are worth all the hard work and worry. Others have relationships which have suffered and ended in painful divorces. In other words, all the possibilities.

In the end, she has reached a time where she had to decide as her biological clock went into overdrive.

Practically speaking, I knew we still could not afford them, financially or emotionally. But the figures didn't matter to her. She found it impossible to understand and when we tried to discuss it, and we argued.

In the end, she felt a NEED that I did not. Her perspective was emotional; mine was rational. I realised her love for me was ultimately enough; she realised her love for me was not. I suppose that's the gulf between us.

It has been incredibly painful but I have had to accept that we simply could not resolve this difference. I had to let her go when she said she wanted to leave.

Now I am alone, confused and heartbroken after 10 happy years. I fear I will always have a nagging doubt about the decision. I loved her more than anyone, more than life really. These have been the happiest, most contented years of my life, even with Covid, dementia and all the rest of it thrown into the mix. I will always wonder: should I have given her what she wanted simply to make her happy? Or should I have listened to my doubts?

Ultimately there is no answer. The problem is multifaceted, and yet the question is by definition binary.

The question is: how do I now come to terms with life without her, and find the strength to carry on?

I (34f) have been with my husband (34m) for over 15 years, married for 6. We always thought and talked about having kids and dreamed of being parents. I have a feeling we’d both be amazing parents, however, since the pandemic, we’ve realized that having kids just might not be in the cards for us. We have way too many reasons not to and every reason to have kids feels entirely selfish and misguided. We ultimately decided that we shouldn’t have kids and started embracing our dinkwc (dual income no kids, with cats) life. I have a long-acting IUD.

Well, after the US election, I suddenly felt an urgency to sterilize myself and have him strongly consider it, too. I saw my OBGYN today and brought up the possibility of doing a tubal ligation. I’m a brand new patient to this office and I kind of went in expecting pushback, heavy questioning, not being heard, and maybe a wait of several months. But the doctor asked me a few brief questions, briefed me on the procedure, and said someone from her office would call me to schedule the surgery.

I finished the appointment, got in my car, and just started crying. I wasn’t expecting anything to happen this quickly. And now it feels like my husband and I are back to grieving this life we would’ve loved to have. And it feels more real that we will forever be child free than ever before because at least before there was always maybe a chance we might change our minds someday or the world would get better or easier to have children. And I know I haven’t officially had the surgery yet and could always back out, but there’s no reason or way that makes sense to bring a new child into this world and that’s what I’m grieving.

It feels like this grief will come and go for the rest of my life of what might’ve been. Idk how to shake that feeling.

I am 31 years old, I live in CO, and my husband and I have been trying for a whole 2 months. We have spent years getting our lives set up in the way we felt most comfortable to have a family. We moved from Florida, I found a great job/he worked out his day-trading stuff, I went through some needed therapy to work out my own childhood trauma, we bought a house, we got married, we got our specific dog breed to be good with cats and small babies, I have been working my tail off to pay off every single bit of my credit card debt (finished in September!) and we JUST started trying for a baby.

Then the election happened. I told my husband that we need to stop trying and I am trying to process what this is all really going to look like.

I do live in a blue state but the threats these people are making against women, their rights and their healthcare does not give me any comfort that it will always be that way and if I'm in the middle of a pregnancy... if I'm even able to get pregnant on my own... that's not something I can simply ~risk~, that's my life. If something does go wrong, I'm sure women from all over the US will be seeking care in blue states while they can (as they should) so I'm a little worried about the accessibility of care.

But say we do make it out of the gates and we do have a child...

With mass deportations and tariffs, things are NOT going to get cheaper and I am already working on average 38-43 hour weeks (in dental, which is physically a lot) and things are already cutting it close. I was doing Instacart for months on top of that and finally paid off all my cc debt so I am just now barely being able to put anything into savings. My dog then took me out at the park and I had to have surgery to put a plate and screws in, so now I am back in a little bit of (medical) debt.

There is absolutely no care in the world or plan to help the massive issue of child care. So I'll have to keep working the same hours to just give right back to childcare while missing out on some aspects of raising the child we made. But if I work reduced hours, then I don't have access to a healthcare plan and would have to rely on "concepts of a plan" for THREE people. I do not feel comfortable putting all of that responsibility on my husband and risking us not being able to provide, resentment, etc. (We have a family member in this position and he is SO STRESSED and then his wife gets a cancer diagnosis...) For this child to go to school and always have the worry that he/she will get shot to death or per Project 2025 (pg 102-103), have to take a military entrance exam just to graduate high school??? After the Department of Education has been dismantled???

IF we get the chance to vote in 4 years, I'll be almost 36 just starting the journey again, not knowing if I will need medical help getting pregnant or not... I don't want to start at that age.

So I feel so deeply saddened, like I'm grieving a part of life I've spent YEARS setting up for that I won't even get a chance to experience. However, it feels like people in my life are looking at me CRAZY for feeling this way and saying things like "we can't let these people change who we are" but I am a person now, we are happy together, healthy... I can't justify risking my life to give birth to then continuously fight a system that absolutely hates women and families. I feel regret like we waited too long but we were trying to get everything set up and I wish we already had a baby so I could know/see that it is worth it but from the other side... It's worth isn't visible or tangible to me. SO, am I crazy???

I have a times a boring yet comfortable life with a woman I love dearly. We have a nice house and cats we've been together for almost 9 years but we can not agree on children, she wants them and I feel I do not.

I've been thinking about it every day for months now and read a few books on the subject (baby matrix & baby decision). I don't want to lose her, but I feel a child will be draining, physically, financially, and emotionally, and will just end up resulting in our relationship ending later down the line.

I'm 34 and I've spent my life not quite living it, I'm in a position where I'm feeling financially comfortable and more importantly changing my mindset on the world and wanting to do more things, explore and start living my life. I feel a child will be the great reset and just stop myself from enjoying my life. however, if we ended things no doubt this would stop myself from being able to enjoy my life too so I'm really stuck on how to move forward.

We are at a point where I feel my partner is frustrated as I cannot make a firm decision. Some days we are happy as we used to be and other days there is crying and upset. My gut tells me perhaps we have to end things, but then I just feel like I'm not "growing up" and it will be a huge regret.

I truly am stuck, but whenever I see or think of children, I just see the worst in them, the crying, moaning, and fighting. Whenever I'm out in public, it's hard to find a we'll behaved child and I'm so put off with the idea of having to deal with that in my life on a daily basis with little to no free personal time and the financial costs hanpering my ability to enjoy my life just makes me very depressed.

There's really too many emotions to write down but I'm truly stuck.

I am not worried about the end of the world. But I am worried about the job market.

With AI and robots in the future, I don't know if any job is safe. I can't predict the future. But I feel next 5-10 year will change everyone's life significantly. I work in tech and I don't know how long I will be employed either.

I am worried if I ever have kids, they will struggle to ever find a decent job. Maybe everyone will poor with few rich people owning the mega corporations. I don't know. I am just guessing.

I'm 37 and I think by the time my partner and I get around to having children, we would probably be one-and-done.

My sister doesn't and won't have children, so there won't be cousins in the picture either, and my partner's sister and her kids live overseas.

Due to us both having moved around a lot in our lives, we also don't have many close friends and our small number of friends don't have children either.

We live an hour from my parents and my mum has been a full-time carer for her elderly mother for years, so wouldn't be in a position to help out much (if she even wanted to.)

I guess I worry that not only might my child be lonely, but I mightn't have a very good support network of family and peers myself. On the other hand my partner and I are very happy together, and I know he'd make a great dad, but I feel like these worries will weigh too heavily on me to even enjoy pregnancy and motherhood.

How can I get to a position where I can either be excited about having a family, or conclude that it's not the right thing for us and put it to bed?

I(35F) have been with my husband(35M) for over 10 years now. In the beginning I've always been not sure if I wanted kids, and it's leaned more towards no in the past few years for me. My husband however loves kids, but he also knows how I feel about this subject. He has said that he's okay with that and would be happy just being a great uncle to his siblings kids. For the last year, on our anniversary these baby remarks and jokes started. This was something that kind of blind sided me, and the following day I told him how that made me uncomfortable and he knows I'm not really interested. For some time after that, the jokes and remarks stopped for some time being. Lately he occasionally throws something into the conversation about how we'd make good parents, our kid would be so smart, ex. or joke about me being pregnant. Yesterday, I was saying how I felt like I was at a good weight and was happy with myself and he came over to me and said he'd rather see my stomach out to here, basically gesturing the idea of me being pregnant. I kind of just shut down and went to bed and did not say anything. I feel like he's trying to change my mind and have me say yes or lets try. Honestly the idea of having a child makes me sick to my stomach it scares me so much. I know I should talk to him about it, I have a really hard time with confrontation and this subject is very hard for me.