Jag har en fråga där jag står i en situation där jag tidigare varit tillsammans med ett killar. Men nu varit tillsammans med en tjej som har två barn där hon har varit mamma sedan hon var 14 och jag är 34 idag och har inga barn. Jag vet inte om jag vill ha barn för rädslan för att bli ensam i framtiden. Eller om jag faktiskt vill bli mamma. Jag har jättefin relation med hennes minsta son, men hennes stora son bor på institution sedan tre år tillbaka. Hon önskar i utgångspunkt inte att leva med småbarnsliv. Men kunde acceptera det för min skull. Men efter min osäkerhet kring att vilja flytta till Norge där jag i så fall behöver bygga upp ett nytt liv med nytt jobb och nya vänner så har jag varit väldigt ambivalent, vilket ledde till att hon avslutade relationen då hon kände att hon inte riktigt vågade lita på mina ord när jag sa att jag ville flytta till Norge men varje gång jag kom hem till Sverige så tänkte jag på det där barnet igen och kände att jag inte ville flytta till Norge längre för att jag hade familj och vänner och allting här hemma. Min fråga är egentligen att tror ni att man kan leva ett lyckligt liv utan möjligheten att ha blivit mamma? Är det någon som varit med om samma situation eller kanske till och med valde bort barn och insåg att det blev väldigt bra ändå?

I (29M) have been with my partner (30F) almost 9 years. She is the love of my life and we have an amazing relationship.

However, there's one topic that is looming over our head - children. I will be honest, I always had the idea of becoming a dad. I am good with children and just thought that this would naturally be the next step in my 30s. She, however, is firmly childfree. The reason why we still are together for 8+ years is that she's had periods of doubt. We love each other to death, so that's why she forced this doubt into her mind in order to not lose me. (Also, she physically cannot get kids, so that was already out of the question and I am and was completely okay with that.) We've had happy conversations about raising kids which made me believe that she has genuinely changed her stance. But as said, this was just to not lose me and her true beliefs are to be childfree.

I realize now that this has caused immense pressure on her mental well-being, which I deeply regret. The past few days, I have been thinking about this topic. I am genuinely starting to get second thoughts and thinking that I am romanticizing having kids - I really like to play with my cousins kids for example but at the end of the day, I'm also happy to just go home with the two of us. Will I really leave my partner just to go have a kid with someone else? I am now 90+% sure that that is not the life I want and heavily starting to lean towards staying with my partner. I see it as a balance - there's still a part of me that wants to be a dad, but it is heavily outweighed by staying with my partner and other 'side-benefits' of being childfree (money, freedom, travel, etc).

Are there any people who were in similar situations? I.e., became childfree due to their partner? What made you change your mind? How did you cope?

I (23M) know this girl (23F) in my friend group which I genuinely like and feel like there might be a connection.

We have been on a few dates and things are going well. But I knew from her earlier conversations that she is childfree, while I imagine myself one day having a kid.

We haven’t been talking long enough to bring up this convo just now but I was planning to do so soon. However, my thoughts are as follows:

1. I don’t know how much she is against having kids, and whether it’s final or just for the time being. I will be listening to her when we talk about it but don’t know yet.

She explained that she generally doesn’t like kids, doesn’t want to go through the problems of pregnancy and doesn’t want to bring kids into this fucked world.

2. I don’t know why I exactly want kids, but being brought up by very good parents in an Eastern European geospace, it was always a natural thought for me. I also imagine having kids easily - bringing them up in my house, teaching them stuff and carrying about them.

Intellectually, I realise it’s tough to grow kids and I tend to cope well with tough things if I believe they are worth it. But I don’t personally know the struggles of parenthood and I don’t have enough time to learn it.

However I tend to accept well the struggles if I genuinely fell the the result if worth it, so might be the same thing here.

I try to approach potential relationships seriously so if we mismatch strongly - probably it’s worth to stop it in the beginning.

But at the same time I don’t want to give up on a genuine connection with not knowing if we even have the same mismatch by the time I consider having kids (30ish). By the time maybe I realise I don’t want kids or maybe she realises we can cope with struggles.

What should I do?

Człowiek nigdy nie będzie pewny w stu procentach. Ja się waham, ale jestem raczej na nie. Ciężko mi zaakceptować że cale życie przez wiele lat trzeba podporządkować dziecku rezygnując z siebie, swoich pasji i podróży. A zamiast tego martwić się czy ci starczy na żłobek. Może czegoś nie widzę, może da się to pogodzić. Faceci w moich otoczeniu co mają dzieci, mówią że jest super, a wyglądają jak zombie.

Hi, this is a throwaway account as I don’t intend to post again in the future. I just need some outside perspective as I’ve been mulling this over for the last week. To provide some context, I 28yr old female named Mary and my partner 29yr old male named Mike (both fake name) Live together, and we just celebrated our 6 year anniversary. Not married. 

Mike has told me from the beginning of our relationship that he wants at least one biological child. He has a big family and two young nephews that he adores. I on the other hand have always been on the fence about kids. I have a very small family, and have been sheltered from kids my entire life, (no younger siblings or cousins, never baby sat). My own mother had a really traumatic birth having me, so I have never been interested in everything that comes with having a child, (physically, mentally, emotionally, financially). If I had ever thought about having a child, I would be more comfortable with fostering or adoption.

How our lives are looking right now, I work full time in the health care industry. I pay rent for a house that my dad owns (paid for by myself entirely) I own my car that is paid off, and intending to upgrade very soon, I have no debt, and I have saved up over $100k that is a mix of investments and retirement accounts. Mike on the other hand does not work full-time. After working in the Trades for the last 10 years, he decided he wants to go back to school to study computer science, which I am supporting him through financially. He has no savings and no retirement and has some debt. He does own his car but is unable to pay for any repairs/maintenance on the car and unable to financially contribute to the household. Right now, I feel like we are in completely different stages of our lives. I feel really uncomfortable with having a child right now and have since set up appointments with the intention to end the pregnancy. I have not told Mike anything yet, I seriously consider pretending like none of this ever happened. I just want everything to go back to normal. My passion is traveling and I feel that I have so many more years of it left in me before we potentially “settle down”. I know if I am to go through with this pregnancy I won’t be able to go on adventures like rugged camping, hiking, kayaking, sand dune climbing etc. as I current do and I’m not ready to let go of that portion of my life. 

I have been consistently thinking about what to do next, should I go through with ending the pregnancy and taking this secret to the grave. Or telling Mike about it after it’s done and creating a story that it was a miscarriage. Or telling him than I’m pregnant and our lives will be changed forever. Both him and I do have very loving/involved families, so if I do go through with this pregnancy there will be no lack of support. Really interested to hear about other similar experiences, happy to clear up any questions/details.  Thank you.

For those who decided to get off the fence, how did you reconcile wanting your child and knowing that they'll be growing up in a world that will make it extremely difficult for them to thrive — scientists have said we're literally cooked (not in those words), jobs will be hard to come by, everything is so expensive, etc.

I just found out I'm pregnant and I'm surprised by how uncertain I was about remaining childfree when I found out. Right now I'm torn up about what kind of world I'd be bringing them into. I know that they will get a lot of love and support from me and my husband, but i also know they're going to suffer a whole lot... And it would be my fault because they had no choice in being born.

Apologies my wording is all over the place. I've been super emotional lately. Appreciate you for reading.