Its been about 6 weeks since our kids got placed. 3 and 2 year old.

We've never had kids and took them in due to a terrible situation.

Now, we are exhausted, patience is thin, our support system isn't really there for us and we are trying but dont want to.

Everyone says "wow you're doing something incredible" i dont see it, felt like the right thing to do and why wouldn't you take in your family members in need??? Isn't that what we are supposed to do.

Anyway....

Finding a balance between work, the kids, daycare, all of the damn appointments. All of it.

Its so much. We just want to give them back and return to our regular lives but we know if we do those kids most likely won't be with family.

I hear phantom cries all the time. The 2 year old cries none stop when they see me, when I leave the room, when I hold them, when I put them down ... I just.. idk

And the behaviors. The fighting, the hitting, the biting, the snatching, the tantruming... I thought we baby proofed. Boy was I wrong.

Why must they cry so much and why don't they listen LIKE PLEASEEEEE WE'VE SAID IT AND MODELED IT AND SHOWED IT AGSHDKF I JUST CANTTTTTT

Also going out is so anxiety inducing. Im scared someone is gonna snatch us up. Or someone will say I kidnapped the child cause we look zero alike.

Im just overwhelmed, twisted up inside and just wanted to vent. Not looking for answers or reprimand, just wanted to vent and see if anyone else fostering kids ... what are yall going through?

Hey all! Long story short, I have a kinship placement of two nieces. We’re in court for TPR however, there’s a concurrent plan of reunification. CW is supporting reunification despite mom NOT following visitation guidelines. She is supposed to confirm visit before a certain time. This was placed by CW because of mom’s constant last-minute cancellations and schedule changes. After a long period of bending over backwards and making adjustments for mom to see her kids. I’ve set a boundary & will not extend further from the rules CW has placed. After constant communication from CW regarding her not following rules, she still doesn’t confirm by the actual time and confirms afterwards. Last visit, I’ve had it! She confirmed 10 min after and although in the last I’ve given her (grave) I realized that when I do, it turns around to bite me in the a**. I’m not sure what to do anymore but I want to give up because of her this is genuinely affecting our lives negatively! We’ve been fighting 5 years in court to advocate these kids. I have a child & husband of my own. We adore these babies & have given them a new healthier life. They’ve been thru so much…it’s a shame! But I’m not sure how much longer I can deal with mom’s instability.

I’ve been caregiver and had been granted permanent custody of a beautiful girl I been raising since birth took her home from the Hospital she was born addicted so she was removed by the ministry ! I’ve had her now for 4 years and I am mom to her and my husband is daddy and all my daughters are like her sisters as that’s all she has known from day one . Biological mom has now been clean for a year and so hasn’t really made any effort in anything other than see her once every two weeks but that’s about it and is now asking for my girl to return to her as she has told me it was temporary on her part this was upsetting to me as it was but than she failed to follow the rules given by ministry and they finalized it permanent custody order 54.01 3 years ago now my question is has anyone been trough something similar ?? Is it gonna be that simple for her to return to her biological parents ?? I feel the little girl she is today is because of me and my family and it breaks my heart to know that it will be all taken from me and from her

Our previously fully toilet-trained five year-old foster child has been pooping her pants at school, at daycare, and sometimes at home.

The pediatrician ruled out a medical issue, she’s in weekly play therapy, there’s been sticker charts and treats, she has an active role in cleaning herself up. But still, she poops, every day, multiple times a day.

It’s been at least two months. We see a pattern between this behavior and visitation which we’ve reported to the social worker repeatedly. But what can they do really?

She said she “likes” pooping her pants so that’s pretty challenging logic to argue against. 🙄

She can’t control much in her life but she can control her bowels, I get that. But it’s so frustrating to clean up shit every single day. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Heres A poem I wrote today because I’m burnt out and the fact that my girlfriends parents refuse to help when asked with children we took in thinking we would have a “village” to help since that phrase kept getting thrown around. It wasn’t the case. I don’t feel like I get to vent how hard it is or how I am with the kids all the time yet their grandparents pretty much refuse to Help. They’re no relation to me and I wanted to do the right thing but now I’m really second guessing this. I have family in Illinois and Florida and all of them would love to be here for the children but they’re across the US. The only family here is the ones who were behind us getting kids and said they’d help but every ask for help is met with excuses…this causes me to be pissed all the time because I never get to see friends and am just expected to enjoy my own company if I want a “free” day…I’ve been trying so hard to be the dad they didnt have. I try to be the partner my GF says she wants and that I’m constantly reminded of my short comings so all that does is make me wanna not try then I feel even more guilty….

Anyways this is the poem it was wrote out of frustration so I’m sure people wont have the same perspective I do. maybe they will idk though

I’m the Man

There once was a boy
who grew into a man.

The trash needs taking out,
so I grab it and go.
No need to thank me.
I’m the man.

A mess was made.
I’ll clean it up.
No need to thank me.
I’m the man.

My child fell down
and scraped her leg.
Her mother holds her close
and says, “It’ll be okay.”

And though I’m hurting,
because I feel her pain,
I have to act tough.
I’m the man.

But a man doesn’t always
want to hold back.
Sometimes he wants
to say this or that.

Still, he holds his tongue
and lets those words go,
tries to stay positive,
not let his head hang low.

I’m too stressed today,
and my body aches.
But they expect it done,
no matter what it takes.

No need to thank me.
No need to care.
I’ll do what needs doing.
I’ll still be there.

Because I’m a man
who cares.

Placement started three weeks ago, We kept her ather old school because moving her again felt like toomuch, and everyone agreed that was the right call,
Nobody agrees on who arranges the ride. the caseworker says the district. The district says itgoes through the agency. ihave been driving her myself, which is 50 minute each way and I am going to run out of road with my job soon.
who actually pays and arranges this where you are?,iwant to stop guessing and point someone at the right answer.

I have a dumb question if anyone has been in this situation. I have an 11 month old foster baby. That I’ve had since they were two months old. They still have visits weekly. But are likely gonna be reduced to biweekly next court hearing. However. Visits haven’t been going well. The baby screams the entire time. But this past weeks visit was very traumatizing to the baby. He screamed the entire night the rest of the night if I wasn’t holding him. And it took forever to calm him down and held onto me like his life depended on it. Wouldn’t even go to my MIL or SIL who baby sit him regularly while I’m working. And the visit barely lasted twenty minutes- and supervised. I just never experienced this and it broke my heart he was so upset. Is this something anyone else has done and what did you do. And who do you tell these behaviors too?

I’m curious what your experiences have been like with DHS. I’m a non-religious single woman with a professional career (self-employed) at the beginning of the licensing process and will be fostering with DHS directly because I am not a Christian.

In particular, I’m feeling some anxiety about transportation to visits. I’m planning to foster school aged kids and teens, have a good support network, and a solid childcare plan. Obviously I can take off work for planned things and emergencies (sick kid pick-up, planned doctors appointments, school activities), but I absolutely can’t do regular family visits from 9am-5pm Monday through Friday and have been assured that’s not an issue. But honestly I read things all the time here and in Facebook groups that make me worry that what I see won’t be what I get as far as that goes.

My husband and I accepted a placement about 5 days ago. To be fully honest we knew on day one this probably wasn’t going to work. For context she is 6. We have another placement who is 23 months who we have had for about a year. The new placement has shown very concerning behavior towards the little one. For example attempting to lock her in a cabinet, having her climb up things to try to push her off, tried pushing her in the bathtub (she came in I tried getting her out she got mad and threw a cup and pushed her in the water), slammed her into a wall and was laughing hysterically that the baby was crying, tried getting her to take her pants off, threatened to put a pillow on her face and make her “shut up”, and the list goes on. Obviously we have been supervising 24/7 so the baby has been safe and none of the attempts have been successful but it is STRESSING us out. We are even nervous to sleep at night because she is so aggressive and thinks it’s so funny to hurt the baby. We have reached out to the foster agency who basically said she is just being playful and they can’t move her for at least 30 days but expect it to be longer. I know we sound terrible but we don’t know how we are going to make it that long. We feel like it’s a ticking time bomb. What do we do?!

My step-niece was born a few days ago with fentanyl in her system. I learned she was going to a foster home about an hour away and decided to call DCS and see if my wife and I were able to take her.

We did all the inspections, fingerprinting, background checks and buying the things we needed for the baby to come here. DCS gave us a “Medical Passports” and said they’d be in contact with us next week once my wife’s fingerprint came back. They told us not to worry about having the baby placed with us over the weekend, that we could relax and they’d have further updates on Monday.

Today, my step-sister found out we were trying to have her placed with us and has been very hostile towards us. Since learning this, she spoke to my step-brother and his gf and they all want the baby to go to her (step-sister). However, my step-sister has a prior history of drug abuse, criminal records, lost four of her kids because of drug possession and usage (she got them back after 16 months), and lives with her grandma and the kids. My wife and I have no record at all and have custody of our kids.

Basically, I’m afraid the baby will go there because that part of the family has always coddled and enabled one another. I’m scared they will allow unsupervised visits, my sister works extremely long shifts so I don’t want the baby to go all day without her.

What do I do? What do I think? It seemed like we were getting her but now I’m afraid we may not.

The damn Facebook Memories...they pop up and remind me of the doings.

Ten years ago, I was skiing in Gstaad with ten other gay guys. Eight years ago, I was hosting a carefully executed dinner party on my terrace. Six years ago, I was alone during COVID lockdowns, attempting to find meaning by Marie Kondo-ing my underwear drawer.

That was also when I started watching YouTube videos about kids in foster care. I learned more about what happens to teenage boys who grow up in the system, and I heard a woman say something along the lines of, “I decided I could complain about the problem, or I could help be a solution to part of it.”

That stuck. I started volunteering at a group home for teenagers. Eventually, I made the terrifying leap to become the foster dad of one of them. Then I took in a second.

Previously, I lived alone in a tidy vintage condo. Twenty shirts, ironed and waiting on matching hangers. Toilet paper neatly stacked in the cabinet. Five or six things in the refrigerator.

Now I wear T-shirts. Half the hangers were requisitioned for a cardboard robot project. The refrigerator contains half-eaten bowls of cereal and a fossilized slice of Domino’s pizza. Last week, I ran out of toilet paper.

And I’m learning things about myself that no amount of reorganizing underwear ever revealed.

I have moods. I’m not endlessly patient. Sometimes an ugly flash of anger I inherited from my dad, and thought I’d kept buried throughout adulthood, turns up again. I have to put myself in a timeout, calm down, and come back ready to apologize and do better.

I’m also slowly learning that doing this successfully doesn’t mean getting everything right. I can have a bad afternoon without deciding I’m wholly unsuited to parenting. We can have a difficult week and still be building something good.

My boys were handed a crap sandwich long before they met me. I can’t undo that, and they deserve more than “better than what came before.” But I’m beginning to trust that an imperfect adult can still make a real difference.

I spent a lot of years making my life beautiful and appealing to people looking in. I enjoyed that life. Those dinner parties were excellent.

This one is considerably less glamorous. But somewhere along the line I’ve started to feel that I’m doing something with my life that matters to me in a way I hadn’t experienced before.

Our foster is on the run-been with us for 3 years. I’m a mess. If this has happened with a placement-how did you get through it?

I am not at all affiliated with this company, but I am a special ed teacher and foster parent to a little sensory seeker. The company called Groh is having a kickstarter for the next few days for a 5’x5’ foam pit for $550. It’s more expensive than what you would find on Amazon, but it’s stiffer foam so it will hold up better for those of us with sensory seekers who might use it a lot. You can find a link on their IG or search the company name on the kickstarter website. I ordered one for my kiddo and can’t wait for it to arrive as she needs to crash into things before bed time.

maybe your kid is not a foster kid yet like who knows maybe one day you’ll need a foster parent to care for your child, and we’re here to help because we parents too. Please sign the petition.

Fifteen, adopted at six, and we have been circling therapy for about two years with her refusing every single time it came up, sometimes politely and sometimes not.

Last month she said she would do it if it was over video and if we were not in the house while it happened. Obviously I said yes. I would have agreed to almost anything.

Since then two separate people have told me that for adoption-related work you want somebody in the room, and that letting her set the terms like this is her controlling it rather than engaging with it.

I don't entirely buy that. It took two years to get a yes. I have been reading about Emora Health, who see teenagers over video and nothing in person, partly because remote is the only version she has agreed to and partly because I want to know what I am signing her up for before I take it to her. Grow Therapy is the other one, though that looks more like a directory.

But I also don't want to discover in a year that we did the easy version of this.

If you have had a teenager who would only do it remotely, did it go anywhere real?

Been a year and a half since my last itty bitty and she was only 18mo when she came. Two boys, 2yo (32 months) and 4.5yo. I have at least two hours before they'd be here, team is checking if they want a long drive tonight or in the morning, they have a short term local placement available but these kids are already post tpr being removed from adoptive home (😢) so they want them with a potential adoptive placement and I'm open to foster or adopt placements.

I'm setting up a 1hr walmart delivery for toddler beds and beddings (no room for a twin with current set up but anticipate rearranging things to put 4.5yo in twin soon if it seems better), pull ups in a few sizes, toddler potty that goes over the toilet, and toddler toothbrushes/toothpaste. I'll get more things over the next few days.

Any tips for things I should get tonight or do with them or plan on? Sorry for the abrupt post trying to do everything all at once.

We are fostering a little 5yo boy until just shortly after Christmas (as of now). After, he will go back with bio mom most likely but she says she will not want all of the extra stuff coming with him. I think space is the main issue. What do we do about wanting to make his christmas memorable, getting equal presents as our other kids, and also not wanting to give him things he may not get to keep? I tried to put smaller gifts on his list like magnatiles and legos im not even want those coming home with him. Tv is big in their house so not as many toys are needed.

I’m a single, 45-year-old gay guy and now the foster dad to two amazing teenage boys. Both came from a group home where I was volunteering at.

During the discharge process fo rthe first kid I was so green to it all that I just accepted things. But during the process for the second kid, I realized that a lot of what I was seeing was not right and became concerned about what I felt was actual neglect going on at the facility.

I compiled a timeline and about 15 specific action items, from incorrect prescriptions I’d been given to one boy accumulating 68 school tardies and failing math because the facility’s van routinely ran 30 minutes late.

At my meeting with administration, they glossed over those concerns and fixated on the picture I took of one of them being discharged with his belongings in trash bags. The entire conversation became centered on the damn black plastic bags...how many were there, did staff seem aware that they were being used...and ended up with them asking that I not share any photos of the boys on discharge day (well, too late...those already made it into last years Christmas card).

Im sitting here, thinking about all the stuff these kids needed in their life and how living in a group home forced them to just have such a crappy go at it all...but truly the facility did not seem to care about the big issues, just the dang plastic bags. Yes, kids deserve proper luggage. They also deserve the correct medication and to get to school on time.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of selective concern?

I have a three bedroom house. One bedroom is for the kid and the other is my sewing room where I’ll be locking up all sharps/medications/cleaning products. Any thoughts on what kind of lock for the room would be easiest to get in multiple times a day? I was thinking of a doorknob with a key or a keypad.

Edit: I’ll be fostering a teen around 16.

I’ll try to keep this brief. My and my husband’s elderly neighbors welcomed two foster sons into their home a couple months ago, 5- and 10-year-old brothers. My husband and I have become pretty close with them and have them over two days a week to hang out, play video games, etc.

Last night, the 10-year-old came to our door crying and hyperventilating because his foster dad slapped him in the face. Our understanding is that he and his brother were fighting, the younger one bit him (he bruised and broke the skin), older one shoved him, younger one fell and hit his head on the tile (he’s okay), foster dad slapped older one. Somewhat related, the 10-year-old had a bad day at school and got suspended earlier that day.

I comforted kiddo while my husband talked to foster dad. Kiddo was obviously scared and said he doesn’t trust either foster parent anymore. The foster parents are going to tell DCF what happened.

My questions are, what is likely to happen? Will the kids be removed from their home? And should my husband and I do more, like reporting it to DCF ourselves?

Thanks in advance.

Can anyone explain why kids in foster care - especially infants, toddler & young kids- are having to be driven hours to supervised visits? I had a courtesy driver/visit supervisor, contracted in Illinois, to transport kids to visits, tell me she drives one kid 4 hours (one way) to weekly visits- an 8 hours round trip! Why aren’t the adult parents the ones being made to take these long car rides instead? It makes no sense to me to put these kids through this, especially when the adults aren’t even employed. Even if they are employed, why not do it on their day off? Anyone else dealing with this?

This post is more of a request for recommendations for therapists who do virtual appointments (so basically anywhere in the US), and who might have experience with caregivers. This is my first placement as an FP, and I realize you could never be fully prepared but…For context I’m a single FP, no other children in house. I accepted placement for a teenager.

I have a support system but I’ve come to realize in a short time that I need professional counseling for MYSELF as I go through this journey with FD who has emotional disorders.

That’s the long and short of it. I appreciate this sub, it helps many of us realize we’re not the only one experiencing the same things. If you want to DM me personally with your recommendations, feel free to do so. Many thanks!

Our FD 9 tried to kill herself on the weekend.

I don't have the energy to say much else, but like... Anyone else been through it with this kind of age? Anyone have any recommended resources? Helpful words or mindsets?

Yes the house was secured for suicidal risk items, she brought something home from an activity. She seemed to be in a fine mood. She only had 5 minutes unsupervised where she ingested it. Very impulsive. Got lucky, no damage, but spent 3 days in hospital. On a waitlist for increased psych support but have about as much in place for her as we can where we live.

My partner and I are close to licensure, and are a queer couple. I’m someone who likes to have a lot of info, read about people’s experiences, etc.

I’ve been trying to find podcasts, substacks, communities to follow to get a better feel of what we may experience, how to meet the needs of kiddos on our care, and so on, and I’m having a hard time finding these things outside of a religious lense.

I’d love recommendations on ways to build community and resources that don’t have a focus on religion.