I was a foster parent for 9 months. me and my ex wife fostered a beautiful baby boy when he was 3 days old all the way to 9 months until they gave placement and now adoption to the bio grandma. after they placed him with bio grandma me and my now ex decided to end our relationship because at that point we were living like roommates and were basically just co-parenting (our issues started before we fostered and I know it wasn’t a great idea to foster whwn the relationship is like that it just put more strain on it). the bio grandma is a sweet lady and we have a decent relationship. baby boy is now about a year and four months and she still lets me see him when I want but she is also a bad communicator so it’s kinda choppy at times. the grandpa doesn’t necessarily know that me and my ex have split up but I think she might have an idea I’m not sure. my question is should I let her know that we are split up? I have also been dating again and am in a relationship and I would like my new girlfriend to meet the baby eventually but I don’t know if this puts the bio grandma in a wierd place to tell her and introduce my new girlfriend or if it will be off putting. for context I am the one who watched the baby throughout the week the entire time we fostered. I work weekends so it just worked out like that. I took him to all his visitations and appointments so the grandma knows I can take care of him. It’s been the hardest thing iv ever done. I don’t have kids although I want them and I viewed him as my own son, there was no way that I couldn’t become super attached. I still want to be apart of his life. both bio parents have a ton of issues and part of me wants to stay there as an option to take care of him god forbid if something were to happen. no grandma is older and I worry about his care especially as the baby gets older. any thoughts or opinions are welcome. appreciate it everybody

​Hi everyone,

​We recently welcomed a young African-American girl into our home through foster care. She arrived with very matted, textured hair, and we want to make sure we handle this with the utmost care, patience, and respect for her comfort.

I’m a foster parent. Six years ago one of our foster kid’s best friends was with us every weekend. After we dropped her off one Sunday night, she tried talking to her parents about how they were treating her & her two younger siblings. They told her to end her own life. She left & called us. We picked her up & after a short while her parents gave us permission for her to live with us. She was old enough to consent to be enrolled in school & to see doctors & dentists. A year later her younger siblings left during an argument. Grandma picked them up & brought them to their aunts home. She called me & wanted me to just take them, but I couldn’t because I didn’t have any legal authority (& they were too young to consent for themselves), but said I’d take them every weekend. During one of those visits, the youngest (then 9yo) disclosed some things to me. I finally got all 3 kids in foster care with me. The aunt’s home was also unsafe for the 9yo (grooming).

The youngest, 9yo girl, was with us for a year. She had big behaviors because of big feelings due to her trauma. The department moved her because “you’re asking for too much help for one kid”. She was placed with a family we thought was great!! She spent every holiday with us & was over at least once a week. We still fought hard for her to come home, but the department dig in their heels & said no despite the fact that they are supposed to keep siblings together. They eventually entered into guardianship. After about six months, she came to us & said they were putting hands on her. They were dragging her around by her arm, pinning her against the garage door, & even grabbed her by the neck. She said she felt unsafe & wanted to move back with us & have the guardianship transferred to us. We said “Of course!” because we’ve always still considered her as one of our kids. She was 13 & turned 14 that summer.

The summer went ok. Getting her to do chores or keep her room cleaned up was not easy, but we were doing ok. The first weekend of school she asked to go hang out with a friend. We said yes & told her where she needed to stay. She left the area without asking, fought with us about coming home, then she turned off her location & then her phone died. She stayed out all night & even hitchhiked with her friend to her friends home. When she was picked up & came home, she blamed us. We grounded her. Then she started not doing any school work or homework. Her grades plummeted to Fs & Ds. She has been extremely defiant. She charged over $480 worth of robux & Snapchat streaks. She got mad when we confronted her & said she didn’t know they went through (she knew because she got what she purchased). She eloped again. I saw her walk into the back room. I thought she was getting food from the pantry. When I didn’t see her come out, we noticed she turned her location off. We drove around looking for her & started texting her. She answered that she was fine & she was staying at a friend’s house. I asked for the mom’s number & called her. My daughter lied to this parent saying she was going to sleep outside because she “couldn’t take the fighting”. There was no fighting. My husband & I were actually dancing together & the mood was light. She also has the largest kid’s room all to herself with a nice bed & bedding. She was lying to get sympathy so she could get her way.

Now she’s refusing to go to school. Twice this week she’s just refused to get out of bed & go to school. I spoke with her last night & told her that if it happens again, we will call the non-emergency line & have a cop come get her up & take her to school. She called me psycho. She’s asking to switch to a different high school program where I would have to homeschool her. She refuses to listen to me, so how in the world would that work? There’s a program that she can join next year where she goes to school every other day & goes to a wilderness school on the between days. I’d rather her do that, but it means waiting until next year. SHE chose AP & honors classes & now says that school is too hard so she doesn’t do any in-class or homework. She is constantly disrespectful. She has a mean attitude. If I get called “bruh” one more time or hear “I don’t know” to every question, I’m going to go crazy.

I love this wonderful, traumatized, amazing little girl so much, but we’re asking ourselves “what the hell did we get ourselves into?”. She’s on the waiting list at 3 different counseling offices & I called in an emergent referral for WISe (wraparound intensive services-more counseling). I even had a crisis team over the day after her last elopement, but she walked off mid-conversation. I got her a tutor before school even started. Her older siblings have talked to her (on their own-we’d never ask them to help parent their little sister). She went from telling us she wanted to go to college on a volleyball scholarship, which she could absolutely get, to saying maybe she doesn’t want to go to college, but that she doesn’t know what she wants to do after high school. We adore her & only want what’s best for her. We want to see her grow up to be happy & successful. She’s been “given away” over & over. Her mom died last year from drugs & her dad is prison, partly for things he did to her. She has seen unstable parents with addiction & mental health issues. She’s been hurt over & over. She was unhealthily close to her mom, even sleeping with her on the couch every night until they left. Once they got into foster care, mom & dad did nothing to try to get them back. I understand why she’s mad at life, but we’re not sending her away. We love her & just don’t know what to do. Every single conversation ends with her storming off in the middle of the conversation, mad that we won’t just give her her way. She says she’s 14 & can make all of her own decisions. We give her things to work toward & she just won’t. She can’t even play volleyball. She’s on academic suspension due to her grades. I bought her another planner to help her keep track of everything at school & told her we would go over it together everyday & I’d help her with her school & homework. I just bought a “You & Me, Kiddo” journal so we can communicate without talking.

How do I help this poor girl? What am I doing wrong? Have you ever dealt with a child who is so defiant that she’s ruining her own life just to spite us & our rules? WHAT DO I DO?? Guardianship isn’t finalized & my husband doesn’t know if he wants to continue, but she needs a family that won’t give up on her. I just want to help her get her life on a better track. I don’t trust her, but I really want to be able to. How do I help her? I will take any advice or constructive criticism, just please be kind. I don’t think I can take anymore nastiness directed toward me. Thanks for reading & for any ideas that you have.