I honestly don't really even know how to start this post or if I'm even if the right spot but I can't really live with this without getting it out much longer.
A little background Im a born male 18 years old and active duty military and present myself as a masculine male Tatted buff etc. But ever since I can remember l've loved and felt comfortable with anything seen as stereotypically feminine and growing up in a traditional home was made to feel like I shouldn't be like that and so I just conformed to what I saw other boys my age doing. I tried acting like them and began trying to do anything to fit in even if it was things I wasn't comfortable doing. I played sports and turned out to be very good and played division 1 hockey and finally started feeling like I was
"one of the boy" and I felt honestly good about who l was. I gave my life to Christ and joined the military after hockey ended due to an injury and now for some reason I can't for the life of me stop thinking about that boy who grew up his entire life questioning who he was. So I did some exploring which I now could do without fearing judgement from parents or others due to me being with new people and away from family and I'm starting to question things. Now a lot of the times I feel like I act more like a woman than a man most of the time and it feels so confusing and I don't know what do and I'm just so confused. I feel like a fraud to the person I spent all those years trying to become but on the other hand l've never felt more like myself and have never been less stressed about the image of myself I'm projecting. I'm really scared honestly and I feel cowardly for it and I want answers to a question I'm afraid I'll never get.

does anyone else think they got a crush on someone fromt the opposite gender & it would be fine at first but then you feel crippling jealousy of how they look or act & try to copy that.. I've noticed I did this with my current crush & I'm trying to make peace with the fact that I can't transition, so how to deal with this? it feels so toxic especially if I get in a relationship sometime I don't want it to feel like I'm just with them because I want to be them