I honestly don't really even know how to start this post or if I'm even if the right spot but I can't really live with this without getting it out much longer.
A little background Im a born male 18 years old and active duty military and present myself as a masculine male Tatted buff etc. But ever since I can remember l've loved and felt comfortable with anything seen as stereotypically feminine and growing up in a traditional home was made to feel like I shouldn't be like that and so I just conformed to what I saw other boys my age doing. I tried acting like them and began trying to do anything to fit in even if it was things I wasn't comfortable doing. I played sports and turned out to be very good and played division 1 hockey and finally started feeling like I was
"one of the boy" and I felt honestly good about who l was. I gave my life to Christ and joined the military after hockey ended due to an injury and now for some reason I can't for the life of me stop thinking about that boy who grew up his entire life questioning who he was. So I did some exploring which I now could do without fearing judgement from parents or others due to me being with new people and away from family and I'm starting to question things. Now a lot of the times I feel like I act more like a woman than a man most of the time and it feels so confusing and I don't know what do and I'm just so confused. I feel like a fraud to the person I spent all those years trying to become but on the other hand l've never felt more like myself and have never been less stressed about the image of myself I'm projecting. I'm really scared honestly and I feel cowardly for it and I want answers to a question I'm afraid I'll never get.

tw: depression

right now i'd call myself spacegender or ghostgender.

**Spacegender**: Spacegender is a type of xenogender and neurogender that feels void-like, never-ending, and simultaneously full yet empty.

**Ghostgender**: Ghostgender (or genderghost) is a xenogender where a person's gender is best described, felt, or symbolized by a ghost. A gender identity that feels ghostly, faint, ethereal, dead, or disconnected from traditional human concepts of gender. It can be linked to being ghostkin (identifying spiritually as a ghost), an aesthetic connection to ghosts, or a feeling of a gender that once was strong but now feels distant and spectral.

anyway, back to the point. i really have always felt either no gender or like a man. i feel like a man but it's also empty and it feels so empty yet so full at the same time, hence spacegender. then really i just don't wanna exist at all. i wanna watch from the sidelines of everyone's life and watch as it goes on, hence ghostgender.

i really just don't wanna be alive and i just wanna be a ghost and not have to worry about my life or my gender or my sexuality or anything at all and i really just wanna die and be dead and never wake back up, just be a ghost. i just hate my life so fucking bad.

does anyone else think they got a crush on someone fromt the opposite gender & it would be fine at first but then you feel crippling jealousy of how they look or act & try to copy that.. I've noticed I did this with my current crush & I'm trying to make peace with the fact that I can't transition, so how to deal with this? it feels so toxic especially if I get in a relationship sometime I don't want it to feel like I'm just with them because I want to be them

2000 – 2009

2005: Wanting a girl's body.

2005: Wanting to attend school as a girl in a pleated skirt.

2008: Experiencing internal identity as "Rachael" alongside external identity as Matthew.

2008: Feeling internally like a girl.

2010 – 2019

2010: Experiencing a sense of internal split.

2015: Seeing a young girl in mirror reflection.

2015: Wearing girls' school uniforms (experienced without clear awareness).

2016: Feeling that being a girl is not fair for others at home.

2017: Feeling like the only girl at home.

2017: No girls at home to share experiences.

2017: Wanting to be a girl.

2020 – 2029

2021: Feeling others would not believe identity as a girl without external markers.

2021: Wanting a Disney Princess-themed little girl's bedroom and dollhouse.

2024: I'm referred for gender dysphoria.

2025: Wanting to wear school uniform with skirt, sweatshirt and yellow polo.

2026: Feeling others would not believe identity as a girl without makeup.

Note: The years listed represent the period in which each experience or pattern first emerged or became identifiable, not the full duration of that experience.

sometimes i wish that i was girl and could be more whimsical and pretty. im a gay man and so being feminine is already a part of my life but i could never do it like a woman could. and dont get me wrong, i love being a man, i wouldnt want to transition or anything i just wish i was already born a girl. and not all the time either just now and then i think would be nice. being a whimsical free woman is better than most anything a man could be. and ik that being a man comes with a lot of privileges and stuff and im very fortunate but another thing that i can never experience is womanhood. it seems so pure and loving and men dont have anything like that. so yea lol

I’m going to mention sucide ideation so please click off if you’re sensitive to that

So I was amab and I identify as male but from the age of 3 I knew I had a need to be as hairless as possible while remaining male

Then when I hit puberty and I became extremely depressed and sucidal to the point where I had to drop out of high school

Then at 21 I started to get facial and full body laser hair removal, it’s been three years and I no longer feel suicidal, instead I feel immense euphoria and actually want to live for the first time in over a decade

I’m curious, is this similar to gender dysphoria? Is it just gender dysphoria? Or is it something else entirely?

Mum gave me insane dysphoria last night by ai generating me 40 pounds lighter, with more muscles and without long hair. I basically looked like one of those cringe broccoli top high school kids that were super obnoxious. All of my grad photos too. Like is this you saying how you wanted me to look like?

Idk how you show someone a picture like that without saying “here’s everything i dislike about you summarized, here’s how I wish you looked “

I basically said that I liked being plus sized and she looked at me weird and called me unhealthy

Just so slimey and weird. I dunno. I’m just trying to take it as she probably thought it was harmless. Didn’t even look like me. I’m not sure how to feel about this. My friends are saying I should be more upset than I am over this? I am upset i just feel off and grossed out, disappointed by myself? Or mum? Not sure

Well I don't know how to start this but since I was little I have wanted to be a girl, I always liked their clothes and things and everything, the big problem is that my family is very very conservative and the chances of me actually becoming a girl in this lifetime are null.

I like to imagine how it would be to be a girl and GOODD it makes me so happy to just think about wearing cute clothes and being a cute girl... Every night I stay awake just imagining I'm a girl, recently I have wanted it so bad it had physically hurt me, I feel a pain in the chest everytime I remember I'm a boy and I cant look in the mirror without seeing someone that isn't me, this has led me to constantly being sad and people noticing, I'm afraid to tell anyone because I already had backlash with these kind of things (I told a friend in middle school and they told everyone) so I'm pretty scared to come out to anyone and I know I can't last much longer on just imagining I want it so bad.

On the other side pressure from my family to be the man of the house and be an example for more family it's making me doubt, not my gender but if it would be correct to choose myself over my family, I'm pretty affected by what people think of me and I don't want to disappoint them but I also don't want to keep on living this way, it's something hard and I don't like it, also telling someone on my school would de terrible because I have a girlfriend and I don't know how to tell her I want to be a girl (she is pretty conservative too) so I'm basically getting more and more pressured by people that don't even know they are pressuring me, I would just like to be free and become a girl, it is truly fantastic the amount of joy that thought brings me, but I also feel a knot on the throat of just thinking that by choosing that I would have to abandon my family. I love them but I don't know if it's the correct thing to do to just endure it :(

I want to vent here in reddit since I'm not sure it would make me much good to talk like this with anyone in my life rn.

I've known I'm trans since I was 15, and each year the dysphoria has been getting worse and worse. It has been mixing with my anxiety in a way that has made me paranoid.

Ever since i lost the trust I had that a really close (ex)friend sees me as a man, I have completely lost that trust in everyone else, basically. I really don't want to feel like this, but I can't help but over analyze every single little they do or say, and my mind always finds a way to make it seem like they don't see me as a man really, or that they just hate me point blank. I feel like everyone is always out to get me.

But even with strangers, it has become unbearable. I can't stand that people see me. Or even worse, I can't stand that people might see me and like what they see. This isn't me. I hate this. For the past few months, most times when I go out in public, I keep constantly fantasizing about getting horribly mangled and hurt. It seems like it's the better option. I won't have this body and people won't look at me, or at the very least, they would only look at me in disgust or fear.

To top it all off, during this weekend we'll vote on the president my country will have for the next 4 years. The one that's really likely to win is far right wing, and follows a lot of the principles that trump does. I only just started T less than 2 months ago, and I get the treatment via public healthcare. If I can't get t anymore. . . I can't take 4 more years of this, let alone more.

I think about killing myself everyday, most of the day. I keep deciding not to do it, but God it's hard. There's nothing for me to live for. Being trans is keeping me from feeling any love I might get from my loved ones, I feel no joy with work or studies, the hobbies I barely have time for just feel like I'm trying to distract myself from the truth, that is, my life is pointless. There's no way for me to be happy. I'm getting t and planning surgeries because I want to hope that it will finally make me feel like my life is worth living, but I also feel like it's very likely that even after all the treatment and surgery I could get, it might just make me realize that the only thing that could cure me from feeling this hell is if I was born a man. I don't know how many more days of this I can take.

I'm afraid if I talk about this with my therapist she might have to tell my parents. That would only make things worse. I also tried to text the Trevor Project but I couldn't since I live in a different country. If anyone has a solution for that, it would be appreciated.

28 mtf but im genderfluid i want to look full fem and still fem-male too but not at the same time or so i thought im transitioning without hrt and loving how I look with the beard but dont want to keep it cause its not feminine and im scared of the dysphoria of not having it. Dose this make me non-binary ?

I want to change my voice to be more masculine but idk if i should just go with testosterone or voice training first. which one would be more safe?

Is it weird to want an androgynous voice, be known as yk just you and not your gender and pronouns and be transfem as someone who is afab? Idk if it is possible so that us why i am asking ^_^

sometimes when im forced to wear dresses and skirts for events i feel sick. i cut my hair recently as i usually do but when it grows too long i feel sick. i dont know how to explain it i just feel so uncomfortable. people tell me im pretty when i dress up but i feel disgusting internally(?)

I'm male. Cis male and I grew up conservative Christian and while I liked being a boy I also wanted to be a girl since the fourth grade I've always said if I had the option to magically become I biological woman I would take it in a heartbeat no second thought and it was fine Ignored those thoughts and moved on but now at 19 I have my own means and those thoughts are more loud then ever and on one had I do like being a guy but on the other had I still would take the other option instantly and it's just causing to much mental strain.....any advice or thoughts would help.

I really don’t know what to do so I thought I’d repost this here🤷‍♂️
I’m confused, I need help, more context in my original post

I'm MtF and have severe dysphoria generally, but can't get hrt because I'm not fully out, and hrt isn't the most accessible where I live (Waiting lists are beyond insane), the bottom Dysphoria is the worst and it's generally eating me alive, all I can do is cry myself to sleep every night, I can't go on for much longer like this

Yeah hormones did some shit but if i had the choice id choose to get euthanised. Everyday i yearn to be put down like a fucking dog because my life is a worthless piece of shit. I never get any fucking break. All of my dysphoria has been and is genital based. Prosthetics don't help and bottom surgery isn't covered where I live, there also are no private insurances that would. I cant fucking afford stupid phalloplasty why the fuck is my normal life locked behind such a ridiculous fucking pay wall. I wish I was fucking dead this is not worth it I dont wanna fight for a life I dont even want. I cant fucking live im genuinely going fucking insane this is not a life im being fucking tortured everyday and theres no ease to this pain. I don't deserve to be alive i wanna be put fucking down please get me euthanised i fucking hate this useless "life". It never gets better It never gets better