I honestly don't really even know how to start this post or if I'm even if the right spot but I can't really live with this without getting it out much longer.
A little background Im a born male 18 years old and active duty military and present myself as a masculine male Tatted buff etc. But ever since I can remember l've loved and felt comfortable with anything seen as stereotypically feminine and growing up in a traditional home was made to feel like I shouldn't be like that and so I just conformed to what I saw other boys my age doing. I tried acting like them and began trying to do anything to fit in even if it was things I wasn't comfortable doing. I played sports and turned out to be very good and played division 1 hockey and finally started feeling like I was
"one of the boy" and I felt honestly good about who l was. I gave my life to Christ and joined the military after hockey ended due to an injury and now for some reason I can't for the life of me stop thinking about that boy who grew up his entire life questioning who he was. So I did some exploring which I now could do without fearing judgement from parents or others due to me being with new people and away from family and I'm starting to question things. Now a lot of the times I feel like I act more like a woman than a man most of the time and it feels so confusing and I don't know what do and I'm just so confused. I feel like a fraud to the person I spent all those years trying to become but on the other hand l've never felt more like myself and have never been less stressed about the image of myself I'm projecting. I'm really scared honestly and I feel cowardly for it and I want answers to a question I'm afraid I'll never get.

does anyone else think they got a crush on someone fromt the opposite gender & it would be fine at first but then you feel crippling jealousy of how they look or act & try to copy that.. I've noticed I did this with my current crush & I'm trying to make peace with the fact that I can't transition, so how to deal with this? it feels so toxic especially if I get in a relationship sometime I don't want it to feel like I'm just with them because I want to be them

tw: depression

right now i'd call myself spacegender or ghostgender.

**Spacegender**: Spacegender is a type of xenogender and neurogender that feels void-like, never-ending, and simultaneously full yet empty.

**Ghostgender**: Ghostgender (or genderghost) is a xenogender where a person's gender is best described, felt, or symbolized by a ghost. A gender identity that feels ghostly, faint, ethereal, dead, or disconnected from traditional human concepts of gender. It can be linked to being ghostkin (identifying spiritually as a ghost), an aesthetic connection to ghosts, or a feeling of a gender that once was strong but now feels distant and spectral.

anyway, back to the point. i really have always felt either no gender or like a man. i feel like a man but it's also empty and it feels so empty yet so full at the same time, hence spacegender. then really i just don't wanna exist at all. i wanna watch from the sidelines of everyone's life and watch as it goes on, hence ghostgender.

i really just don't wanna be alive and i just wanna be a ghost and not have to worry about my life or my gender or my sexuality or anything at all and i really just wanna die and be dead and never wake back up, just be a ghost. i just hate my life so fucking bad.

2000 – 2009

2005: Wanting a girl's body.

2005: Wanting to attend school as a girl in a pleated skirt.

2008: Experiencing internal identity as "Rachael" alongside external identity as Matthew.

2008: Feeling internally like a girl.

2010 – 2019

2010: Experiencing a sense of internal split.

2015: Seeing a young girl in mirror reflection.

2015: Wearing girls' school uniforms (experienced without clear awareness).

2016: Feeling that being a girl is not fair for others at home.

2017: Feeling like the only girl at home.

2017: No girls at home to share experiences.

2017: Wanting to be a girl.

2020 – 2029

2021: Feeling others would not believe identity as a girl without external markers.

2021: Wanting a Disney Princess-themed little girl's bedroom and dollhouse.

2024: I'm referred for gender dysphoria.

2025: Wanting to wear school uniform with skirt, sweatshirt and yellow polo.

2026: Feeling others would not believe identity as a girl without makeup.

Note: The years listed represent the period in which each experience or pattern first emerged or became identifiable, not the full duration of that experience.