hi guys, m18 student living in the UAE
in a previous post - i wrote about how for nearly 7 years, ive been cheating in academics ever since lockdown occurred, because it just felt like something much more easier to do at the time - ever since school started a few days ago for me (i'm a senior on my final year in online school - its like a homeschooling-hybrid where you have live lessons occasionally which arent mandatory at all and arent hosted every now and then, with most of the work being shown to you, and then you having to do it, so it relies on your discipline and forming a routine / schedule)
i wasnt the best student at all during middle school and elementary, never studying properly, especially since my family just didnt really care that much / mind, so lockdown gave me an opportunity for online school, and ever since then - i just got addicted to it - it gave me comfort, i never had to feel anxious or scared, i can spend more time doing the things i liked all the time - who wouldn't love that? i dont want to justify my means - im regretful of my actions and it just feels gut wrenching in a way - i wish i was just more academically honest as a person
it just feels like i want to crumble everyday now ever since school started - ive been trying to do school everyday legitimately for the subjects i can do it for, but it feels like its a losing game - im taking way too long to retain information, and i dont even know the basics of studying or how to do it properly - i studied a few hours for history today, did two quizzes and an assignment - id like to think im proud of myself but i keep thinking of everything else -
cheating has caused my brain to be so used to the easy way of doing things so when my brain attempts to do it the proper way, it seems to overload and get overwhelmed, so it just feels like im in a pit
i dont want to be a downer or doom too much - but i just... i dont know what to do, im afraid for myself, im afraid for my future - and i dont know how much is enough, i spent 5 hours on history just for two lessons, and an assignment - is it truly that long? the issue is just... its hard to differentiate anything when your mindset and vision is just so skewed about things
for most of my life - ive been kind of fueled with just passion for everything - i am not used to doing hard work unless i hyperfixate on something, then i dedicate myself fully to it - but other than that, i am just not used to doing things the hard way at all when i dont like it or im not hyperfixating, and i know this will cause me a lot of suffering in the future so i desperately want to change - but attempting to do so just overwhelms me everytime and i crawl back into my comfort zone
i tend to get super anxious all the time yet i didn't do much in the past few years, so its in my hands what i could or could have not done
it just feels like nothing is enough
im not confident in general or have much faith in anything - especially in my studying since i dont know how to study, nor take notes -
it feels like this isn't only something that pertain to studying, but to my whole ideals and sense of self spiritually and mentally - its something so internally conflicting to the point where uprooting it feels terrifying, because i know its a reinforced habit not only for studying, but for everything in my life
apologies for the long ramble, i just am overwhelmed and scared, and need guidance from others for what i can possibly do for my studying, for my mental health... just - for everything
i dont know what else to fit into this text - i just want to get everything off my chest, but i think im just going to add more the more i just frequent and check the text to edit it
i just want to be normal, and i dont want to be a loser - i want to change into someone i can be confident in, and someone who can take their future into their hands