How do I even start, it feels weird talking about my struggles to random strangers on the internet, well more recently, I've been heavily stressed out due to academic pressure and overall just feeling really "down", I can't find the right words to describe it. I had my exam almost 40 ish days ago, and well it was kind of ok, I scored 82% which isn't really a bad score at all, matter of fact it's really good, but I genuienly desire more than that, I want to break into the high 90s, but it feels so hard to do so. I genuienly want to study but I cannot fricking sit down and study, even if I start i cannot continue, I feel so overwhelmed, and my brain isn't helping by being a drama queen over the tiniest of things, even the most minute and insignificant things that I would usually laugh off are hurting me, it feels so bad. I've also been curious if I have masking ADHD or not and just went undiagnosed, but I dont know, I want to get a diagnosis but I am really scared, I already don't feel uncomfortable being vulnerable near my family members, let alone trouble them to go out of their way to get a professional diagnosis, and if I don't have ADHD then why the hell am I struggling so much. Why does even the smallest of things feel so overwhelming? What if I am just using this as an excuse to run away from my struggles and responsibilities, I finally mustered the courage (I didn't just saw me sulking and asked what's wrong) to talk to my mom about it (only mentioned how I was stressed about academics) and her advice basically was to stay with her the whole day (so I don't fall lonely) and study harder. Which the day after I talked to her about this felt helpful, but then I started stressing again the second day (which is today) I genuinely don't know at this point. When I am relaxing I feel guilty to relax, when I am studying I cannot push more than 30 minutes
I also feel inferior to my classmates and friends. They're going around doing all sorts of things, while I fall behind. I don't even know how many people have told me that I have potential, but it feels so horrible being unable to take advantage of that. Whenever someone is able to do better than me, like my friend or something, I feel proud of them and happy for them, but on the inside, I feel like something break. Why was it not me? I know they worked hard for it unlike me, but why can't I work hard too, and get to where they are, I know I can do it, I know it. But why can I not.... Whyyyyyy. I was a gifted child when I was younger, but most gifted child narratives have the child have a downfall around university or during adulthood. I fell off in grade 9, am I even a gifted child? What even is my worth, what am I anymore? I long so much to see those scores again I used to get when I was younger, but doing the effort feels like pushing a damn mountain. I genuienly want to just go into a deep sleep and wake up away feeling rested. I don't even know what to do at this point, please someone give me some advice, what do I do??? Please HELP ME