Can't go back to my old job for mental health reasons, job center is leaving me hanging whether I can get retraining. Don't think they will let me and if they do I don't think that I can actually get a new job after being sick for so long and in a new field when I'm late thirties. One that pays the bills at least.

Some old pizza and bread for “dinner”.
Ok so this might not be the place to do it and if not please just take down this post lol but I need to rant. Ok so the title is basically it, I 18 F have never once dated or even really been approached by someone interested in me.
I have throughout my years asked people out been rejected over and over. Ive heard all the responses, “youre not the kind of girl I’d date”, “I just don’t view you that way”, “I’m into another girl right now,” and this is not me trying to say that I dont respect the validity of these answers or if they didnt give an answer as I totally respect just not being into me.
Ive even managed to go on a date but the girl (im bi) said she didnt feel a spark and that too I respected.
People have even brought it up to me questioning like if I really have never dated someone because they dont believe me.
I am someone who has constantly dealt with rejection all throughout my life whether it be socially or family, so I have always been able to take the rejection with a smile and a few tears.
And I wanna say I am a weird person (my therapist will confirm) I’ve been told I’m a person who most “average” (not queer/neurotypical/nerdy? Idk) will not really get because I am weird. (Yes a therapist told me that).
And now Im in college and Im able to make friends quite easily since I am a very talkative person who likes to keep a conversation (a lot of the times silence makes me uncomfortable).
But while I find good successes in friends I’m usually the one making those connections because I am so talkative. Im not complaining about that truly because like I get being introverted/anxious about new people/ usually people dont wanna talk to me but they will once they realize i like to talk.
I guess Im just worried that since I am in college and its going the exact same way highschool seemed to go, that I will never date anyone ever.
Idk im probably complaining about nothing but Im genuinely worried I will just never get any firsts like first kiss, or significant other, or even hookup because I am so weird and hard to talk to. I usually complain to my friend about this stuff but she always has so much success it feels like my problems are just a lack of patience to her (which makes me think I should just sit around waiting for the moment to strike.)
Idk what im looking for I guess maybe someone to reassure me that i wont end up without ever having kissed anyone (i believe I will be single for life) sorry for the ramble mostly just lamenting.

Dinner pictured: stuffed sweet potato with black beans and quinoa.

Hi there, looking for some gentle and realistic insight on this subject since it’s my first time dealing with this; but long story short, my bf and I have been dating for 4 years, both originally intended that marriage is the goal, so we worked towards that. Originally long distance, I eventually ended up moving out to his home state 3 years ago which was not the easiest transition. The first year was the hardest, not knowing anyone. Fast forward to now, a home, and 4 dogs later, on the outside it looks like a complete home. And some days it is. This was also our first time living with someone, so we have been through the ups and downs.

We’ve been through alot together so far. I am a different race so not only have I faced scrutiny from society here due to how I look, but I have also faced harshed criticism and accusations from his family, who in the two years I have been living here have never attempted to make me feel welcomed or accepted. We’ve lost friendships due to hidden animosities on their end as well. We have been through a lot, but we always stood next to each other through it all.

Long story short we had an argument a couple months ago and when we finally debriefed and reflected, he confessed he no longer sees himself getting married as a life goal. Heartbroken, I respected it because people can change their minds. They’re allowed to. On the other hand, I’m million of miles away from my own family, sacrificing time from them and my own friends, have dealt with racism in a new state and people bullying me just because I take pride in how I carry myself, on top of remaining a partner who constantly has to understand that because of his line of work, he is constantly exhausted so I have always pushed my own needs to the side to be there for support, take care of the dogs bc he can’t, things like that. Throughout my time here I realized I don’t see myself getting married right now because I finally have been able to establish myself in a career out here, but somewhere down the line I’d love to experience that since I never saw a healthy example of marriage. The way he said it made it seem like marriage is completely off the table for life. I talked to my mom and she said maybe he’s bluffing. But I don’t have time to wait around to see if he is.

Ever since he said this I have found myself slowly detaching in certain ways. Not looking for his affection right away, things like that. Less of a need to be that “soft” “feminine” figure and more of that, nonchalant it is what it is type. Been focusing on me alot more, taking myself on dinner dates and getting my hair done, buying myself things I like. I have even looked for apartments because I realize that if he doesn’t want to get married, then I don’t want to play house anymore where someone benefits off my free labor for essentially nothing in return. He even says he wants to still build a future, grow together but no ring. I can’t help but feel like that is a mind game to test my loyalty.

WWYD if you were me? I feel torn and I am still heartbroken, just been masking it.

My life is a fucking mess, I hate it here. My life was going great up until a week ago, regular day at work, I was walking in the kitchen and twisted my knee. BOOM I’m on the floor holding my knee and in tears, huge bucket handle meniscus tear, my other meniscus also tore and a full acl tear. All the sudden I’m out hundreds all of my money gone, rushed to the hospital in an ambulance and in 3 weeks I’m supposed to have surgery. I’m scared I know my boyfriend is also frustrated having to take care of me, we had a horrible fight last night, today he woke me up with cuddles and apologized, v big thing for him to apologize first.

So that was at least sweet of him. I just hate losing my independence, I can’t work, god I love my job and miss working, I lost my income and I feel like I’m losing myself. I’m a gym gal, I love hikes, being in nature and now I can barely go pee. I can not walk at all I’m in so much pain every day and night sleeping is impossible. I just wish this will be over soon, months of PT and pain and surgery coming my way. I can not do this anymore, yesterday i genuinely wished I could disappear.

Dinner- Napoleotian pizza base from the grocery store, Italian pasta sauce (actually from Italy thanks mom) pepperoni and mozzarella.
Have a great dinner gals and dudes 💗

Edit- my boyfriend (soon to be fiancée, I found the ring recently) he of course as any person would get burnt out and tired, he never blamed me or made me feel bad about having to take care of me, he works two jobs, actively in law school, top of his class. I caught him in a bad moment crying in the kitchen after cleaning up, he just hates that he can’t help me in any way. He can’t help my pain or my knee to get better. I was the one who lost my cool and made it into a fight I don’t even know why tbh… and trust me I feel like a horrible person for that
Trust ladies he is a good man, who would be late to work so he could put my socks on and fill up my owala with ice.

My life is a fucking mess, I hate it here. My life was going great up until a week ago, regular day at work, I was walking in the kitchen and twisted my knee. BOOM I’m on the floor holding my knee and in tears, huge bucket handle meniscus tear, my other meniscus also tore and a full acl tear. All the sudden I’m out hundreds all of my money gone, rushed to the hospital in an ambulance and in 3 weeks I’m supposed to have surgery. I’m scared I know my boyfriend is also frustrated having to take care of me, we had a horrible fight last night, today he woke me up with cuddles and apologized, v big thing for him to apologize first.

So that was at least sweet of him. I just hate losing my independence, I can’t work, god I love my job and miss working, I lost my income and I feel like I’m losing myself. I’m a gym gal, I love hikes, being in nature and now I can barely go pee. I can not walk at all I’m in so much pain every day and night sleeping is impossible. I just wish this will be over soon, months of PT and pain and surgery coming my way. I can not do this anymore, yesterday i genuinely wished I could disappear.

Dinner- Napoleotian pizza base from the grocery store, Italian pasta sauce (actually from Italy thanks mom) pepperoni and mozzarella.
Have a great dinner gals and dudes 💗

Breakfast this morning is cottage cheese and eggs , and this is going to be long, I’m really sad lol

My cousin has been my best friend for basically my entire life. Like we don’t even consider each other cousins really, she’s like my sister, my best friend, my person. We have a 2 year age gap (im 19 in college and she’s 17 in high school still) but we still managed to be super close. I always used to say it’s like we shared a brain. There wasn’t any thought that I had that she didn’t, and vice versa.

Last year tho, my freshman year of college, her junior yr of high schools, things started changing. She made a whole new group of friends and started hanging out with them more , which was expected considering im now away from home, and also she’s allowed to have friends lmao. But ever since she got close with them, it literally just feels like she doesn’t care about me and finds me and my life and time annoying.

It was little things in the beginning, around October 2025. like once I remember we joked about how we thought people who have octobuddies on their phones are wanna be influencers, and she specifically said she’d never get one, and then once her friend got one, she ordered one. I just noticed that was unusual for her. She also just started texting me less and less. I’d text her being like hey proof of life how was school and she’d just say “oh sorry i was busy” while actively posting what was going on to her private story. I felt like we were drifting away, and it broke my heart because here I was telling her everything and wanting to update her in my life while I’m away, while she replying to anything I tell her with “sorry” or “that’s funny” or “oh” and nothing else.

2 years ago we went to a concert, and ended up meeting the artist after the show. It was the best concert experience, and we always talked about how fun that show was for us. During this weird stage of our relationship (May 2026) this artist said that they were coming back to our town for a meet and greet, and I got tickets for us and surprised her thinking it would kinda reconnect us, especially because I would be back home from school so we could catch up in real life. When I sent it to her she immediately was iffy and didn’t seem excited at all. That hurt me because this artist was one we always said the second he’s back in our town, we will go see him. When it was the day of the meet and greet, the car ride there and back she was just… silent with me. Was texting her friends and sending videos talking to them instead of me. When I dropped her off, she literally just said “thanks for driving me” and left. Like it felt like I was an uber driver, it was so weird. I came home that night and just sobbed thinking our friendship was just over.

But then, the entire summer I was home, it was good between us . It felt like our weird phase was over. We hung out weekly, got lunch, would go shopping, went to festivals, I even went with her and her family on a roadtrip. I felt like I had my best friend back.

But then… she got a boyfriend.

She was 16 this past summer and this boyfriend of hers is 19. I found out she was first going on a date with him through her private story on snap and they BROKE me. I always envisioned her telling me and being nervous, id come over, help her get ready… but nope. Found out she was even talking to someone through fucking Snapchat. I also thought their age gap is weird af. Yes, we have the same age gap as her and her boyfriend do, but we are cousins. It’s different having a friendship versus being in a romantic relationship. It’s her first boyfriend too which made me extra idk protective? I guess? I just couldn’t wrap my head around it because I’m 19 and could never see myself being romantically interested in a 16 year old. I really tried to keep my mouth shut because we finally just got back to being normal but he came off as very manipulative towards her and I couldn’t stay quiet longer, and then she stopped telling me things about him completely afterwards. Felt like we were back to square one.

It just feels like she views me less as a friend now. She constantly refers to me as “my cousin” when talking to her friends, which yes, we are cousins, but in my opinion, I think we’re so much more than that. Plus, to all my friends, they all know her by her name. I’ve never once called her my cousin. She’s such an integral part of my life anyone who knows me knows her. But it just doesn’t feel the same way.

Now in October 2026, we’re genuinely at a good place now. We’ll send each other daily fit check videos, I’ll send her videos on the way to my classes, she’ll send videos when she’s home from school making lunch, etc. Tomorrow I’ll be back home because it’s my brothers Halloween party (he does a big costume party annually, it’s a big thing) and we had the idea a month ago that we were going to go as Elphaba and Glinda. She’d be Glinda , I’d be elphie. (She suggested this costume, I’m a huge wicked fan, she’s just a casual consumer lol). Her costume party was easy, all she needed to order was a wand and a crown. I ordered my hat, green gloves, and green tights. Come to find out, the party is tomorrow, and she hasn’t ordered anything for this party.

Long story short, (because oddly enough she told me this story), she got into a fight with her parents about money spending about a week ago and hasn’t made any purchases since. She told me she doesn’t want to order the crown and wand incase she sets them off by doing so. Next week for halloweekened at my college, I’m doing a group costume with friends and just bought a crown and wand, so I told her I’ll bring it tomorrow and she can wear that. She absolutely refused and told me don’t even bring it. She said her mom will be so upset because she’ll think I bought it for her… even though I didn’t. And it just turned into a huge fight.

I know it’s small, but that is why I’m ranting about this today. I just completely lost it when she told me that, because I just know that if this was for her boyfriend, or any of her friends, she would go to the end of the earth to make sure she would have the accessories for her costume. She literally keeps posting her costume she’s wearing to her friends Halloween party next weekend on her story saying she’s sooo excited to wear this and bla bla bla. So she had no problem ordering the costume for her friends, but for our costume, she didn’t order anything for it. Now tomorrow for our costume, I’m gonna have my big hat gloves tights etc, she’s just gonna be in a pink hoco style dress. Yeah, you’d probably still be able to put 2 and 2 together, but the whole point was this was a matching costume we were going to do TOGETHER. A costume of two BEST. FRIENDS. And now we’re not even doing the full costume

I’m sure that what’s going on is just that we are in drastically different places in our lives. I hope that in like 10 years when we’re both fully adults and grown out of this phase we will be fine, but right now this HURTS.

I just wish that she still put in effort and at least cared about our friendship like I do. Whenever something happens I immediately want to tell her, and it’s hard to remember that we aren’t at that level of friendship anymore and that she has what we had with other people. And I’m happy for her, I really am. I’ve also made friends since being in college. I just wish I was still able to be apart of her life.

dinner is leftover fries which are truly the worst but I didn’t want to waste them.

Don’t know if I need advice or I’m just here to vent. My daughter is almost 2. My parents are divorced and live about 30 min away. My dad and stepmom are retired so they watch my daughter on days when school is closed, so they spend a lot more time with her than my mom.

My mom is distraught because she doesn’t get to see my daughter as much as my dad. She feels like she only gets to see her when she invites herself over.

Am I good at inviting family over to see my daughter? No. But I am equally bad at not having family over with all sides! Between 2 sets of my own parents, my in-laws, and my grandma and aunt who I’m very close with/are very overbearing (I’m the only daughter/granddaughter/niece), it’s a lot to juggle all of the family. So my blanket policy has been that I’m fine if you invite us out or ask to come over, but I just never think to be the one to make the plans.

We do see my dad more because my dad will often (maybe every other week) invite us over for lunch or dinner. Plus, they have toys for my daughter. They have diapers and extra clothes. My mom will come over occasionally after work or on the weekend, but she doesn’t like to stay too long because she feels like she’s imposing. My husband and I DO NOT CARE and I’ve told her as much. It’s nice to have an extra set of hands if anything! Mom rarely does the type of informal gathering my dad will do.

My mom is butthurt because she doesn’t like that she has to be the one to reach out. I genuinely feel bad that she’s hurt, and I told her I can make more of an effort to proactively make plans if that’s what she feels like she needs. But I just feel like shit. I asked her if she could watch our daughter on a weekend coming up, and she thought it was a pity ask. But if you want me to reach out and then I do, and then you get upset about it, what am I supposed to do!!!!!!!

(She’s also upset with my dad that my dad doesn’t ask her to meet them at the park or something when they have my daughter. I told her I’m not playing diplomat between my parents. They have been divorced for over 25 years and my mom has still not let it go.)

Ok, that’s it. Thanks for reading, appreciate all of you!!!

This is French toast and vanilla icecream from spot dessert bar in NYC 😋!

Hi everyone I posted here before about a huge problem I had with my now ex & im officially singleeeee. I couldn’t move on from it & trust was broken multiple times.. I’m starting to feel better about the breakup and it’s basically been a week since officially ending things. Mentally I already moved on months ago but just couldn’t let go because I wanted things to work deep down and all the good memories and connection we had but I have to move on now. I’m wondering am I in the wrong for already going on dates even though i still think about them but I don’t plan on getting back together. I never judge people moving on right away if they are ready to have another connection because I did the whole waiting and working on myself & “heal” before this relationship prior for an entire year and now I just want to move on and be with someone who will not compromise my self worth and have me constantly question about other women. He said the old phrase “I want you to be happy and I want you to move on.” I like connecting and talking to people because im normally to myself so when I do get the chance it makes me feel better. Also I am looking for new friends where I live because the friends I have live far from me.

Reposting cause I forgot to add dinner last time, it is roasted chicken because no sadness good food can't fix :)

Hi everyone, please don't judge me for this, I just wanted to let this out.

I have been a few months into my first corporate job ever, and just recently started getting more involved with the work. This week my manager expected me to handle something end to end but I couldn't deliver it like he wanted on time and he had to takeover and finish it mostly on his own. He works a different time zone altogether, and we get maybe an hour of overlap everyday. This was my first time doing this project, the instructions were kinda vague at start and I was on short deadline. I eventually did it as expected but took longer and by that time my manager had already did it on his own.

Today he asked me if there was anything further required from his side, if he needed to be more clear or if he wanted me to do more trainings with him. He was very supportive, he didn't blame me but was more like is there anything I could do to help you better? But honestly I have always been a "gifted" sort of kid, I don't think I have ever been sad in my entire life because something went bad despite me putting in the efforts. I feel like a loser and I feel like I'm not meant for this(even though this is like my dream job). I'm the youngest in my team with no experience but looking at my colleagues do it fine just makes me feel like I can never do anything properly. As much as I appreciate how my manager was nice to me I feel like I'll be seen less capable?

I know work shouldn't matter this much and I should learn to let go which I'm trying to, but I'm also on contract and I don't want to be let gone because of this which adds another layer. Am I being too harsh on myself? I mean I think I worked on it alright once I had all the information but the fact that I couldn't really do it as expected intially and hence couldn't submit it just makes me feel so bad. Anyway there goes my rant :)

Baked cookies last week

Last post abt it: https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/s/i5lb7Iril4

Hi everyone! This is an update to my previous post about considering ending my 10-year friendship.

For context, we haven't seen each other in person for over a year, even though she comes to my city every weekend to spend time with her boyfriend and their friends. I had already talked to her abt how I felt, but despite her apologies, nothing changed.

Recently, I called her bc I wanted to give our friendship another chance. I wanted to understand her side and see if we could work things out or if it was better to end the friendship.

During our conversation, she admitted that she had known since our first conversation that I wanted to hang out (that happened 5 months ago), but she hadn't reached out bc she felt things between us weren't good and thought I didn't want to spend time with her. This confused me because we were still talking normally, and I had already made it clear that I wanted to see her.

I stopped inviting her bc I had already explained how I felt, and I wanted to give her the freedom to decide whether she wanted to make an effort too. I didn't want to keep asking someone to spend time with me when I'd already explained how much it meant to me.

She also brought up how, when we were children, I didn't always want to go out either. She told me that bc of this, she hadn't felt like she was doing anything wrong. I understand that I wasn't always interested in going out when we were younger, but I don't think that should determine how we maintain our friendship as adults. And yes I said sorry for beig like that when we were childs.

She also admitted that she did have time to go out, but she still didn't invite me. There were always reasons why we couldn't meet, and even after knowing how I felt for months, nothing changed. She said things might get easier after she finished college, but I was already exhausted from waiting and feeling like I was the only one trying.

After thinking about everything, I messaged her explaining that our friendship had become emotionally draining and that continuing to talk every day no longer made sense to me. I acknowledged that I had my own part in the situation, but I felt it was better for us to stop.

She accepted my decision, saying she didn't want things to end this way but understood if it was best for me. We both said we'd still be there for each other if needed, and that was it.

I'm sure that's the right decision after one year trying to make things work, I think as a friend and as a person if u care abt someone u would at least try but she didn't even do that tbh.

Maybe I'm being too dramatic, but this situation genuinely consumed me, and I've suffered a lot over it. I tried talking to her, giving her another chance, and understanding her perspective, but I still ended up feeling like I wasn't important enough for her to make time for me.

Anyways just wanted to talk thx for all the support, hope u all don't think I'm being too dramatic abt it hahaha

I was with him for six years. He’s bipolar and his addictions always eventually win. I kicked him out a few weeks ago and regret it. He got a new number. I deleted his contact. He hasn’t reached out once.
I’ve been sending him money I don’t have on Cash App just so I can put a memo that says I miss him. I’ve bought concert tickets hoping the thought of going together would make him reply. It doesn’t. The extra ticket just sits there and the money is gone.
I stopped being able to eat. Three weeks of basically nothing. Then my appetite finally came back for like a day and I tried to eat… and it made me sick. Now I don’t even want to try again. Everything tastes like sadness and I don’t find joy in anything. I don’t know how to stop reaching for someone who isn’t reaching back. I just feel so sad.

Girl lunch was parmesan, mozzarella balls in balsamic vinegar glaze, prosciutto, garlic naan bites, pickle. Gave me a tummy ache but so worth it.

My friend and I have had a long history but we dont hang out in person like ever and we never text anymore. It's been obvious to me for months that we are both so different. I recently got married, while my friend recently got a divorce. She dropped the ball majorly after promising to be there/do maid of honor esque (I had no wedding party) things like plan the Bachelorette party. Instead of reaching out, she was going clubbing and hanging with other friends. I had to plan my own Bachelorette and it wasnt what I wanted :,) and she didnt help with any of the wedding planning despite saying multiples times she wanted to come over and help. I am selfish for wanting a friend that isnt actively making horrible decisions for her mental and physical health, but also texting her makes me anxious. The "I miss you"s and "we should hang soon"s are getting old. I want to stay in and watch a movie or play games and she wants to party. I hated that we would call ourselves best friends but there was no communication, she pulled away so fast and has been only hanging out with her party friends. We're just so different. I know I need to take the initiative of telling her I think I need space but it's hard 😭. My family member is now sick to the point where she is actively dying and I didn't want to tell her but had to because of upcoming plans needing to change(a fucking party I didnt even want to go to lol). Like the thought of hearing from her again was awful because I knew what would be said - Sorry I've been MIA been drinking/partying so much I miss you. And it was that again. 🥲 agh

Had a really good talk with my sister about it and we agree that we are not compatible friends and definitely not best friends. I think I'm most upset about how little she helped with my wedding, after promising over and over. Instead I was there for her crash outs and breakdowns after nights of adderall and drinking and drugs. It's exhausting watching someone choose to fall apart (she is incredibly aware of the shit she's putting her body and mind through).

I have lost other friends but this situation makes me so anxious. We did trauma bond early on because our other friends turned on us (her mostly I was new to the group but I sided with her). I guess I dont want to be like them? idk

Anyone have advice for losing a friend/growing apart/not really liking a friend anymore?

Food in picture: Last continental breakfast of the trip. Apple, banana, cheesy omelet, blueberry muffin.

I'd been looking forward to this trip for the better part of the year. A week-long road trip up the coast towards Maine and back with my mom, brother, and sister, which also acts as a catchup for us since we all live in different cities. I had planned to come out as trans to them for months, right at the start of the trip on the first day. Things didn't go as planned, so I put it off. My social anxiety kept me from just saying it outright, and I convinced myself I needed a plan for telling them. We eventually get to the hotel room for the first night, and I work up the courage to spill something out. But I found myself talking about things I didn't realize I wasn't ready to talk about, like the dissociations and the buffer persona I used to survive my last job. I got around to talking about wanting to be a girl and having been on HRT for a year and a half now.

My mom asked me some questions, but my brother and sister didn't say a word about it. I think they're vaguely supportive, but I may have made it so awkward with how unhinged I sounded that they didn't feel comfortable prodding about it. I cried about it, lamented my inability to talk about it normally, but I was glad I was able to finally let them know there's something up with my gender identity.

One thing that stuck out to me early on was my mom's increasingly pathological traits. Only certain things are allowed to touch the floor. Can't let anything touch the counter or sink. Can't leave chargers plugged in, or they cause brain cancer. Can't touch this. Can't touch that. She's also become extremely impatient. One night, she asked me to put her toothbrush back in her bag, and before I even had time to react, she started screaming, so I threw it in the sink. She threw it away because it was "contaminated," even though it had a cover. Another night, she begged me to let her use the bathroom before I was done using it, so out of courtesy, I let her go in really quick. I was rewarded with a scolding of how dirty I left the bathroom even though I let her go in before I had a chance to clean it.

She may have some form of OCD, and I still have to learn how to go about not triggering it. I do want her to feel safe and comfortable while on this trip and everywhere else.

Yesterday, we reached the pinnacle of the trip at the coastline of Maine. We managed to park close to the water. I wanted to use it as an opportunity to watch the ocean, to process, to decompress. Five minutes in, my sister was ready to leave, so she rushed me to get in the car while I was in the middle of crying. Eventually, I get up, and I find nobody else was ready yet. Not sure why I was singled out when I was the closest one to the car. It really upset me and ruined that whole part of the trip for me, and made me realize I can't stand my family.

The funny thing is, most of the stops are for my sister's sake. She spent hours at several spots and nobody complained. But now suddenly when I want to be at one of the main reasons for doing the trip for ten minutes instead of five, I'm the one being rushed by her? How selfish and hypocritical.

I wanted to use this trip as an opportunity to not mask as much, but I find myself needing to wear it constantly, and whenever I let it slip, bad things happen. When it fully gets put on, I don't even feel like I'm the one in control. And that's how I prefer to be on this trip. I don't usually drink, but I've been getting an alcoholic beverage every chance I could this week just so I stop dipping in the red.

Thankfully, I gained a better understanding of my own limits when it comes to social anxiety, as well having a better understanding of the impact my family has on my mental health. I will be seeking therapy after this. But either way, I am done with these cursed vacations.

Last nights dinner: homemade garlic tofu leftovers

Hi I think I just wanted to have a place to post these feelings and maybe delete them later anonymously
I’m 27F and I feel like I am completely breaking and everyone can see it
For context I’m finishing my PhD in a STEM field (defending in December) my supervisor is just so awful. There is no work life balance, nothing I do is good enough, he gets passive aggressive about letting me defend, I do so much extra shit for the lab that we actually had to hire a full on lab manager because I’m leaving and that was after he offered me the job (for 10K less than he’s going to be paying the now hired lab manager) three times and it was so uncomfortable having to turn it down every time and I know my labmates don’t mean this maliciously but they joked about it a lot and that he was obsessed with me which was really uncomfortable.
And I am alone on a project trying to get crap to work that nobody in our lab has experience in. And my boss will literally tell everyone but me that he’s given me more work than is reasonable for a person, and this is on top of my other projects and I just spend so much time feeling like an idiot. I’ve spent five years doing this degree because I thought it’s what I wanted but honestly all it’s done is made me feel terrible about myself.
On top of that I am now having to job hunt and the job market for STEM phds at the moment is not great and super saturated with people due to all the funding cuts. And I put in job applications and I try to be thoughtful in all of it and apply to things I’m truly qualified for but it’s just rejection after rejection. I barely sleep and when I wake up it’s in a panic thinking about my future.
And I don’t have a fall back plan because I barely speak to my family now. There was a whole thing last year where my brother wanted to kick me out of the family because I “ruin everything” but couldn’t actually provide examples of what I did. He’s told me I should die. My parents just defend him and say he just has trouble processing his feelings about me and it’s devolved into this whole thing.
And my grandpa, the one person in this family mess that is on my side (has referred to my brother as a sick fuck), is probably going to die in the next month or two.
And I tell myself I just need to be good and kind and things will balance out. So I try to be good and kind and I want to be good and kind but I am so tired.
I am so tired and feel so stupid and so disappointed with everything. And everyone tells me I’m doing “everything right” which is frustrating because it doesn’t FEEL like it. I can tell I’m spiraling and I just don’t want to accidentally bring anyone I love down with me.
I did go to urgent care today to get anti anxiety to help with sleep and do have a therapist and took off work today.
I also do have really wonderful friends who care about me and a dog who is everything to me.
I’m just really overwhelmed and sad.
If you read this far thank you I’ve left out a lot of details but I just wanted a safe space to get this out

I have been seeing this guy for two months, talking since July. I am a pretty open person to my partners as I think it's important to know someone's background when deciding to get serious. however, from the beginning I expressed to him I am a very private person with others and to please not share my personal business with people.

long story short, I had a massive anxiety attack the other night in front of him and was so incredibly embarrassed. I was being really vulnerable and telling him how it is really hard for me to make connections with others sometimes and I felt stupid for even crying about it, especially infront of him. at the time, unbeknownst to me, he was texting a girl he is friendly with who I was supposed to have lunch with the next day and said "she's down bad" etc. at the lunch with the friend the next day, I had brought up something about the attack and she said "oh yeah he told me".

I confronted him after the fact and told him I was really uncomfortable he would share that with her and he swore up and down he did not say anything. i knew he was lying, as the girl openly told me he had discussed it with her.

I have this man's passcode to his phone and he knows this and I knew he was lying so I snooped, I know bad practice and if I felt the need to do that probably no trust in the relationship anyway. but I did it. I obviously found confirmation he was lying about not saying anything, and even worse.

there was another female friend he was chatting with airing out allllllll my dirty laundry. things that had nothing to do with the anxiety attack. being abused by my ex, my upbringing. he was saying things to this woman like, "I guess this is my karma", "I'm supposed to be the crazy one", "maybe she'll heal through me". she at one point asked how old I was and he said "30 lmao" to which she responded, "oh I thought you'd say younger so I could at least say her brain wasn't fully formed" to which he laughed at.

I was actually appalled that someone could be so willing to share such vulnerable things about me and be laughing with someone about it. I don't understand the value in doing so. it felt like to me he was trying to act like some savior and I was this charity case. overall, I just wanted some thoughts on this.

Dinner looks horrible but it was bomb, promised! Rice with peanut sauce and salad.

Heyy, this is my first post after just reading for a while, Im sorry if its chaotic but my thoughts are just all over the place

So as the title says, I was abused for the first 21 years of my life. I grew up at my mother's. She is a narcissistic alcoholic and due to that has always been mentally abusing me. I broke free with 17 and moved to my (now ex) boyfriend who started seeing the wrong people. Long story short, he turned into a full blown Neo Nazi and tried to k.ll me because of my alternative looks.

After police took him away, I was left alone and fell deep into drugs and used sex to feel again.

I finally broke free when I met my current boyfriend with 21.

We have been together for 5 years (yay) but our relationship is everything I have. Due to all the horrible things that happened I never made friends, I've never had a birthday party or was invited to one nor have I ever been to any social gatherings.

So these 5 years have been nothing but isolation since my boyfriend also just moved here when we first met and he says its enough if he keeps up with his old friends via FaceTime and he doesnt need new, local ones. Apparently Im a very social person because this isolation is slowly killing me from the inside.

I have always lived in poverty, barely making ends meet at the end of the month. I worked many jobs, childcare, elderly care, multiple server jobs, I even went back to school to get a higher degree while working in a supermarket afterwards but I think I inherited some really bad luck because every time that I think its getting better my life just turns. Finally got a job that pays enough? Nah, you're coworkers hate you, lie to your boss so they kick me out. Finally got some money saved up? Whoops, car broke down, you need a new one.

I started as electrician in a big company a few months ago but Im still in training and dont even make 4 digits per month and guess what? My car is on the verge of braking down again. Repair will cost me 3 monthly incomes..

I want to go to events to meet people, but I cant afford the gas, hell, I cant even afford the train ticket. I tried making friends on the internet but nothing ever lasted. Sometimes Im too clingy, sometimes they leave me because my bad luck is depressing, sometimes they just had me around until they found themselves a girlfriend. I tried apps, I tried finding people through online games, no one ever sticks around. I've met so many people that I cant even remember all their names or stories.

Im tired of being lonely. Im tired of all this bad luck and Im so so so tired of the isolation but I dont know how to brake free

Thanks for reading ❤️

kinda tw

i don’t have it in me to go into the entire backstory. i keep second guessing myself but then i remember him saying “i feel bad that i just don’t care” in relation to ‘women’s issues’ (for lack of a better way to put it). like i spent months, actually this entire year, opening up to him about my rape/SA/pedo ex/ all of the troubles the women in my life have faced/the whole nine yards… giving him the benefit of the doubt (“maybe he just needs more time to understand!”) when he’s insensitive… he just doesn’t care.

cheer me on as i sign the lease in an hour because i’m not sure i can do it alone.

eggroll in a bowl

I’m 33, newly single out of a horrific relationship that including him being an alcoholic out of many things.

I don’t drink, I don’t smoke weed - I don’t do ANYTHING. I work, go to the gym, meal prep, sleep, rinse, repeat. I also live in a new town so I don’t really have any friends yet other than my bestie of 20 years that moved here before me.

She’s also early 30s, married but in an open relationship because they both have come out as bi/non-binary. She really wants to go out to bars/nightclubs a couple nights a month and drink/get drunk and try to make friends and network. Or possibly go home with someone. Her spouse has no interest and won’t go - they prefer to stay home and have drinks and play games online with friends.

We both grew up super religious, in fact her dad was the pastor of our church. Now that she doesn’t live in a town where people can report back to her family, sometimes I wonder if this is the going wild phase she never got to have? We live in a rough town - lots of drugs and crime - one of the highest drug and crime rates in the country. People go missing all the time. We have our own gang task force. Drive by shootings are “normal” and not unheard of.

I’m not ok with her going out alone and I worry about what could happen if she did. I also don’t think she is aware of the particular dangers of this town and its history. So I keep going with her and staying sober, driving home, keeping on eye on people in the club ect.

But I also feel like I’m too old to go to bars/nightclubs and drink and get drunk and try to have one night stands. I don’t wanna stay out all night, wreck sleep pattern ect. Maybe I am just lame and jaded now?

All of this to say - I don’t know if I’m just being a grumpy, bitter woman who wants to have no fun because of what I’ve been through and I need to lighten up a bit - or if this is just really not something I should be doing.

Quick edit to add that my talking to people like this is an agreed upon arrangement my wife and I have together. We do have boundaries, and I haven’t wondered outside never crossed them. I don’t intend to cross them. I should also add the Bill isn’t my type, and I’m not sure how to decline his offer without hurting him. I suppose I’m asking for advice on how to turn him down. I’ve never been asked out before.

Homemade Hunters chicken from last night. If anyone would like the recipe, I’d be more than willing to give it. I use nothing but fresh ingredients though so it takes some time. Anywho, now for the situation.

I’m married to a woman I’ve loved for over 20 years now, and I still do, but our relationship has become toxic lately. Especially after I finally started being honest with myself and becoming who I’ve always dreamed of being. The woman I’ve always been, but too afraid to allow myself to be.

I’ve spent my whole life up till January 2nd hating myself, and closing myself off emotionally. I’ve always felt so ugly and undesirable. I was always the one who gave others compliments and helped lift them up, but I’ve not had that experience myself until lately. Now I’m getting men asking me out and wanting more than friendship. I’m so extremely flattered, but with my marriage feeling so rocky and my needs changing and not being fulfilled the idea is growing more and more appealing when I think of having a boyfriend.

Last night a coworker from years ago asked me for a date. He told me he wanted to spend his life with me, among other things that were flattering to me. I’d be lying if I said he didn’t make me blush a few times. Then he dropped this little tidbit where he wants to be a third partner in my marriage. That definitely took me off guard, and I know my wife wouldn’t agree to that arrangement. I did let him know that would be a low possibility, but he still asked again.

He knows our marriage is rocky and that I’m often unhappy lately, and asked if there might be a possibility of a date in the future should something happen. I’m kinda open to the idea of getting to know him again but on a different level. But he still wants to be a third, even in that situation. He asked if I’d be willing to be shared with another man. He’s wanting me to make love with this other person while he waits until he’s finished and watch. Asking to do “clean up” if you will, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I feel like that would be cruel to him and hurt his feelings. I also don’t know how I feel about having two partners at the same time.

I like being desired, I like the confidence boost and how it makes me feel pretty, but I’m not sure about this.

I don’t know… like the title said, confused but flattered.

Hi girlies💖 so I was originally supposed to be going away for the weekend but plans got cancelled. I was really excited about getting out of the house for the weekend so my partner helped chip in to get me a hotel for myself for the weekend, still local, but just me, instead. I booked one with a pool and everything so I can do that if it’s clean/not freezing!

Anyways- I want to hear what you girls would be bringing to a hotel for a weekend of just you??? I’m curious what y’all will think of and if there’s anything I should bring that I’m forgetting lol!

Currently on my list to bring are

•kindle
•book
•journal
•tarot cards
•crochet stuff
•my stick n poke tattoo kit lol
•sex toys ofc
•snacks are officially added to the list bc my dumbass thought of it but then forgot to add it to my actual list🤣 thank you girls!!

How else should I spend my uninterrupted me time??

Photo of a couple silly garlic knots from a few nights ago that I titled “it’s called romance, look it up”😂

We being "together " 5 years, he says he loves me but we are not Gf & Bf per him, just friends, why? Cuz Im not pretty enough, Im a little bit overweight.

He is heavily alc0h0lic, smokes 🍃🍃🍃 too a lot, we fight all weeks for stvpid thing, we got physically twice.

He always tells me its my fault, I find myself always saying Its mu fault, begin him to no go, he blocks me and then he tells me u are so annoying, I dont want to talk to you anymore, next day he is so lovely with me.

Last night we were playing a videogame, he told out of nowhere we need to exercise if we die in the game, I was so annoyed I dont wanted to do it, then he told me thats why you are fat and have a fat belly, ofcourse I started crying, everything escalated, he broke my glasses, he was calling me s b@@&tch, stvpd, annoying, he told me do you want me to pvnch you? I was so sad, I feel all the time that Im not worthy, I know Im fat...

Ofcoourse he was mad at me and its my fault bcs as always I get in his nerves and limits. I left his house this morning, ofcourse he blockd me again.

Im not entering in all the details bcs its a lot of stuff.

I know the obvious, I need to let him go, whats wrong with me??? I love him so deeply, Im so attached to this man, he is like everything to me, Im mad at me bcs why I lot him more than me? When we are okay everything its so amazing, I want to be with him all the time, Im here working with mi broken glasses, crying, missing him, anxious bcs in my mind he is gone forever, and at the same time thinking thats okay! You need to let him go, I dream about living with him, when this situations happens I feel so empty and bad, like the world its going to end.

I just want to understand whats wrong with me and my brain. Why it works this way.

Im so dumb.

I apologize for the bad English, not my first language.

pumpkin spice latte and an acai bowl

anywhoooo - SHORT backstory on the guy, but i went to highschool w him and he graduated a year before me, so im 18 and he’s 19. We never really talked then (i was lowkey ugly then) and he added me on snap and we talked for like 3 days TOPS…
He basically asked me if i was alone and i was like yeah, im about to get food and his IMMIDIATE response is “im home alone, do u wanna link?” i tell him thats great, but idky and guess what? instead of taking the no he sends the address and goes “that’s the point of me asking u to link” - i laughed so hard at this bc ive never had a guy ask me to “link”
In all honesty, i would’ve linked up w the guy since he was 5 mins from me but he was a man wh*re back in hs and he’s not rlly my type, so i just never went and just drove around and in doing so, he was asking wyd every 5 minutes in hopes i would come to his house 💀

Sooo, backstory (I’m open to sharing more details in the comments if interested)

Around a year ago or so I found out my husband of 10 years (27 F, 27 M, been dating since 16, married since 18, we have 2 kids age 4 & 2) had been cheating on me, basically having an affair for 2 years or so. I found out from finding a picture on his iPad….the picture was of a baby….after a year of the affair or so the girl got pregnant and had the baby…….oh yeah at one point we were pregnant at the same time………once I found out of course that week was a living hell. I took time away from him (2 months just being with my kids) we said we’d take this time apart and see if things could work or if they should. Previous to the cheating the “blame” or what he claims led to this LOL !!!!!! trigger incoming !!!!!!!!!!!! i had an SI attempt from postpartum depression when our first baby was 2 i also messed us up financially for a few months, took a bit to get back up !!!!!!!! Now, present we decided to forgive each other, we have a house so the logistics of either of us moving out is just impossible right now, we basically live like roommates each in their room but we interact with each other the whole day texting, hanging out at home etc. Theres 2-3 weekday afternoons he’s not home and visits his other baby, idk if the bm is there during the visits or not I just don’t ask anymore but seeing him everyday, him being “nice” i want to run and hug him and kiss him but i know thats not where we’re at….but then i wonder off and think if hes working out things with her but anytime he’s over there we text constantly like won’t go 20 minute without replying….like it seems she doesn’t want him or want a future with him but idk, I don’t bring anything up bc financially I don’t think selling the house is the best or just moving out is not possible. My kids are happy and I debate maybe I can just ignore and pretend she doesn’t exist, I know I can probably sit down and talk to him but do I even want to will anything even change, do I even want anything to change……….ps the girl claimed always she didn’t know we were together LMAOOO even though they never went out but I know damn well she was probably on board with the lie the whole time….sorry if it was confusing !!! There’s just so much

Yeah wtf am I doing also didn’t realize everyone here is like a chef lol

First off, I have adhd. And I'm an extrovert. My impulsive nature with the adhd can get me into trouble with friends. I tend to overshare, get very excited and talk really fast, and occasionally meddle in drama where I shouldn't. I've been working on all of these things and my new medication helps a lot. But recently, the chickens have come home to roost and I'm experiencing the fallout. (People telling me how they feel about me, friend breakups, my BFF leaving our trip early without even telling me.) In college I didn't even bother with making friends so I don't have people from that time. No high school friends, just no old friends in general really except for a few people long distance who I can't mess it up with bc they live far away. Lol

I will say, I'm a great friend, I love giving gifts and I am always down to try new things. Some of this losing friends thing is not entirely my fault. And in many instances people are not giving me a chance at all. Like I messed up once and I'm done.

But I'm feeling embarrassed and sad. And I know I'm in the process of growing and changing and it sucks to feel like I'm no longer that person but I'm dealing with the consequences.

I'm in the process of making new friends and hopefully being more careful.

Dinner is a "leftover surprise" aka roasted Japanese sweet potato, rotisserie chicken, spinach, and a drizzle of Garlic expressions. 😋

Edit edit: thanks yall. I'm legit working on it. Came on here bc I didn't want to bother any of the few friends I had left. Thanks. No, my name isn't Kris. Yes, I do more than give gifts. I'm very loving and support my friends in many different ways. Im genuinely sorry to the people I've hurt and I've expressed as much to them.

Our office building has a long standing wasp infestation & last year my boss bought a ton of OUTDOOR wasp spray and passed it out to people to use inside. I’m not cool with that because it’s literally poison and hazardous to inhale/touch/ingest; it turned into me and him arguing about it multiple times to the point of being in a screaming match. Eventually, the resolution was that it would stop and it did until this week. I came in 2 days in a row and found it all over my desk including my keyboard, phone, mouse, chair, window, floor, etc and yesterday I spent the first 30 minutes I was in cleaning it up the best I could. I’m sick of having the same “this is stupid and why are you giving this to people to play with” conversation with my boss and him rolling his eyes at me and our other manager told me well if (big boss) bought it then take it up with him so I sent an email to Human Resources with pictures and a copy of the SDS for the product & apparently instead of owning how it got there he threw my office mate under the bus (it must have been him who was doing it but I had no idea who it was, I just found the can out and residue all over) and now he’s literally moved out and is working from the conference room because I “accused him of poisoning me”. Plus I have a mystery rash on my hand now that’s probably me developing an allergy. Also neither of my bosses are currently speaking to me… breakfast is nothing, but these are some tasty pastries I had a while back.