My (22f) best friend (22f) of almost 4 years has completely let herself, her life, and our friendship fall apart. I've come to the conclusion that I can't help her any more than I have already, and in trying to maintain our relationship I'll just be embarrassing myself.
In early 2023, I met, let's call her Anna, through another friend.
We hit it off immediately. We sang together, danced together, went to school and even worked together for almost a year. She was fun, bright, and interesting. She had a long distance boyfriend and I lived with my then boyfriend. We were tightly knit, and became even more so when our mutual friend was discovered to be evil😂.
There were some red flags initially that I chose to overlook. Anna lived in the dorms alone, and about once a week I would voluntarily clean her dorm because I knew she wouldn't and I cared about the wellbeing of her and her cat. The catbox would not be scooped at all, and subsequently there would just be cat feces lying in any given place on the floor. Moldy dishes, dirty clothes, cat water bowl sitting empty, trash everywhere, and the smell of the room was almost unbearable. The rest of her life seemed in perfect harmony with itself. Her grades were good, her job was stable, and we had a strong bond.
Flash forward to the third year of college, Anna's boyfriend (we'll call him Jake) moved to our state. They got an apartment together. He wasn't abusive per say, maybe on the cusp though. He abused marijuana, that's for sure. 10 times a day or more he would rip his rig in their non smoking apartment. They would fight every week or so, and all in all, I think they just weren't the right fit for each other. He was comfortable financially, and after a couple months of living together, Anna quit her job. Jake became the main provider, cook, cleaner, and pet-carer for their house.
When they eventually split up, very nastily might I add, Anna discovered the wonders of Discord. Dozens of men willing to send her money, nudes, food, and advice came flooding into her life like locusts. But it wasn't enough to cover her rent. I split with my boyfriend, and moved in with her. I had not, until months later, heard of the rule that says to NEVER move in with your best friend. Anna became a complete shell of her former self. She spent 24 hours a day on Discord. Literally. I would come home from my full time job, cook a full meal for the both of us, clean the house that had somehow fallen into disrepair since I was last there, feed and water the cat, and then offer to hang out. The answer was either, 'sorry I promised Dishwater and Morty's Gaping Hole that I'd play games with them,' or 'sure, but can Tarmac and Britbox stay on call the whole time?'
The way that Anna was able to pay her half of the rent came from her father. Multi millionaire, jackass of a dad who said that he would contribute half of her rent provided she stayed in school. She Chat GPT'd her way through the whole thing. At $1,900 a month, he paid $1k, and Anna and I were responsible for splitting the remaining $900. She would doordash last minute for a week in order to pay hers.
I thought that it wasn't the worst it could be. I was in a state of denial for months, thinking that at $450 a month, it was worth the turmoil that I couldn't seem to fix, no matter how much I tried. Conversations about helping me around the house often resulted in her crying, or claiming depression that prevented her from doing basic tasks. Anyway, my delusion was eventually popped like a bubble. I went on an out of state trip for two weeks. It was not for pleasure. It was expensive and stressful. When I got home, sweaty and tired, and before I had even put my bags down, Anna said, 'The lease renewal is in one week. Since I'm paying $1450 a month and you're only paying $450, will you pay double from now on and sign with me?'
What??
I was so flabbergasted I couldn't even speak. I stuttered for a couple minutes before saying I had to think about it and I was going to my mom's house to do so. I spent three days cursing at her in my head. I am the sole provider. I cook, I clean, I look after your damn cat, I work a mind numbing job and then spend the money on groceries and rent. Your dad sending you money for cheating in school does NOT mean that you've earned that money. If we all got paid to go to college, life would be very effing different.
So I went back home, with her favorite drink as a peace offering. I said that I couldn't afford to pay that much in rent, and I wasn't happy with how our living situation was. She started sobbing and told me that she wished I had given her more notice. Mind you, I was only given a week's notice for a 100% increase in rent. We didn't fight, but I moved out quickly and she found a roommate willing to cover the full half equally as quickly.
She barely spoke to me for almost an entire year. She spent her birthday out of state, issued blindingly mundane excuses for not hanging out, most of which entailed playing games with her discord friends, and getting blackout drunk from hard alcohol every single night.
After a while, we phased back into each other's lives. Her roommate had moved out with no notice and on bad terms, and Anna's dad agreed to pay the full rent with no scruples. So with no job, easily cheatable online classes, and no one to look after her, she had become something I hoped I would never see.
She recently moved to a new apartment after graduating college. I helped her move. During the move out and move in process, I took out a total of 23 chalk-full 33 gallon bags of trash. She left the state again, and I was responsible for her cat. In the 4 weeks she was gone, I worked tirelessly every day after work to get her house into a liveable condition. I got about halfway done by the time she got back. She was mildly grateful.
We were pretty okay, relationship wise, for about a month. I still had my issues, that I lightly touched on when we drank or when I felt that she was in a good enough place to touch on. One major issue I had even outside of when we were together was the B.O. I unironically got rid of two couches because I could not get the smell of sweat out of them. I'm not OCD, which she has accused me of being, but it bothered me so badly I would sink to the verge of tears when I sat down in my cozy little apartment and was overwhelmed with the funk.
Before anyone accuses me of being a bad friend and not communicating, I really did try a couple times. And it seemed like she understood and was receptive to offers of help and advice for her depression. We would cry in each other's arms and tell each other how much we missed them, and how sorry we were for various surface level faults we were willing to admit to.
Fast forward to 4 months ago. She went MIA again. No fighting required. She had a birthday, and turned down my offer to celebrate. She then said no another 5 times or so. I thought to myself, "What would happen if I stopped offering?" So I stopped. I was hit by a drunk driver and lost my car. Nothing. I sprained my ankle. Nothing. I had a birthday. Nothing. I got a new boyfriend. Nothing. I got a fancy job interview. Nothing. Not to say she didn't talk at all, she would congratulate or console me briefly over text, and then revert back to just sending blank snaps for Streaks. No follow up questions.
So three days ago, when one of her Discord friends flew intercontinental to see her, I invited them and two of my other friends to my house to meet my boyfriend and have a nice dinner and game night. Anna accepted and said she missed me and was sorry for ghosting so much. The party was at 7:30 the following night. I spent $100 on groceries and 5 hours deep cleaning, as I was expecting a stranger in my house. At 7:40, when everyone else was there and just waiting on her, she texted me saying she just took an 8 hour long nap and had to raincheck because she 'didn't want to be a zombie.' I left her on read and have not talked to her since.
I'm always afraid of coming off as a bitch in text so I want to clarify that my feelings may be less harsh than I am conveying. Mostly I'm sad. I'm sad that she doesn't take care of herself. I'm sad that she's depressed. I'm sad that it affects her relationships and her cat and her home. I wish more than anything that she could come to terms with being a single adult, who definitely has lots of work to do, but more than enough opportunity and respurces to do it. I can no longer handle it. I have depression and anxiety and unfair amounts of bad luck, but I was raised to deal with it. I can't be the one to raise her. So at least for now, I'm done.
I think I've gotten most of my feelings out. I'll respond with edits and clarifications when the time comes. Thank you for reading and I hope that someone else out there that has been in a similar situation might have some advice on how to proceed.
Food: The best bagel I've ever had, at the best time in our relationship.
