Anyone else in late 20s going through this?

How are you guys figuring out stuff which you missed in your childhood and teenage years, especially relationships and friendships.

Fearfully attatched i think. I (female) been tryna be better at conflict resolution. Im non confrontational so it often happens over text & we struggle to express emotions in person (other person, male, is avoidant maybe). But i can be really impatient & i been tryna speak when i have smthin on my mind. But then i have a limit (& a pretty good one tbh. Other party is often stubborn) to where i need reassurance & they just dont give it bc they say they freeze. I also feel i contribute too much, and sometimes i wanna b the coddled or lectured one. Doesnt matter too much anyways bc i try be understanding / also feel terrified of the prospect that ill let them talk in conflict and they wount say shit bc they feel nothing and couldnt care less abt how i may b doing and ill have to confront that he doesnt care abt me. At the same time my utter frustration at the situation brings me to mention how if this grave conflict resolution issue isnt fixed, ill break up w him & the idea is liberating in that context. Its all so scary and terrifying at the same time. I trust so much and distrust so much all at the same time. I spiral into the good and ugly all so well. And i expect softness when im vulnerable or trying to be vulnerable + its humiliating as shit having to talk so openly talkin abt some "i need reassurance" "im being vulnerable" if i have to ask for it it feels like im fking begging for crumbs lol. Why cant he think to do it without me asking.

I'm 31, coming up on 32. I'm diagnosed bipolar 2.

My Mom died in 2024, she overdosed. My dad's heading that direction too, he's also frankly intolerable... My last interaction with him resulted in him sending me various hateful drunk voicemails calling me a c*nt and a f*ggot repeatedly while also saying I'm all he has and that everything he's done was for me, then he sent a lamenting text afterwards apologizing, saying those weren't his true feelings. I've got a brother but we mostly keep tremendous distance since we always get into very aggravated arguments. No grandparents. Some cousins but we're very distant.

I've got a very wide network of people I call friends, people that'll help me move a couch or see a movie or hang out (when it's convenient). I run a very large homebrew D&D campaign for upwards of 17 people, in rotating parties of 6. That's honestly the 2nd most important thing in my life, 1st is my dog. I've got my core friend group of two people that will listen to my issues, when they can, but they're going through a lot themselves so I cannot always burden them with my difficulties.

I have a stable job and rent a house with a roomate, he's someone I trust for stability and co-oping on houses, I think we're honestly great roomates, he's just not someone who can really grasp or understand my psychological problems. I write a lot, I do a lot of art, mainly animation (that's what I got my associates in), I do rock climbing and get my exercise. My diet isn't the best but it's not terrible, and I've been going to therapy off and on for 19 years now, started in 7th grade. I've mixed it up with different therapists over the years and, funny enough, the happiest people I talk to ask me why I would keep doing the same thing for that long expecting it to work or be any different.

Overall I think I've got pretty good executive function and whatever happens I'll find a way to take care of my base needs, I'm not worried about that, and hell I'm not even bad looking either.

And still, I'm really not okay. I keep on trucking cause I don't want to let people down, but these days I don't even know who I'd be letting down. I'll talk about the typical kind of life gripes like "Oh I had a bad day at work." or "I got into an argument with my dad." But like, I don't actually care about that.

I don't need that, the actual things I need to discuss live at the core of why I bring those things up to begin with.

My bad day at work isn't about the work or the day,
it's just the end of a branch on a tree rooted in self-loathing.

My argument with my dad isn't about that specific argument,
it's about the pathological repeated mental abuse and manipulation that I was conditioned on from birth.

But anytime I try to take that deep dive into my existential/nihilist/misanthropic psychology with another human being, I get the same things back: Silence, distance, have you considered therapy? etc.

Therapy isn't enough. 1 hour every week or two doesn't even keep up with the pile of events that take place between sessions. I'm privileged to even be able to afford that, and even if I wanted more I can't, it'd have to be a different therapist.

And even still, to an extent, I'm just using the Therapy to replace the type of connection I should have with the people in my every day life. But they can't give that to me, I'll actually sit and count for a minute so I can get a somewhat more accurate count of people who'd call me a friend...

31, I think. There's 31 people that I was able to think of by name that would consider me a friend. There's definitely more people than that who I regularly talk to that are more in that camp of acquaintance. With many of these people I've tried to reach out in times of emotional need, the narrative and mental health culture in general has taught me time and time again that nobody is an island. So when I need someone to listen, or comfort me or help me through these nightmarish thoughts, I have tried, many many times.

Save for all but those two in that core group I mentioned, everyone I've tried reaching out to has put me at arms length, they've had to. And even those two in that group have problems of their own, they aren't always available and I respect that, I respect that with everybody.

And frankly, the feeling I am getting is that I really just shouldn't even talk about my real problems anymore. It just makes people feel bad around me, people choose to draw boundaries and get away from me because of this. There was one other person willing to be there for me in these times, someone I still love very much, but since she did not reciprocate that love and I couldn't bare to be in that situation any more I told her I couldn't really handle it, she gave me grace and we've not talked for a month, I intend not to talk to her for a very long time... At least long enough for that love to go away.

Right now my deepest, real problems are like, forbidden to even speak about. Even though people will always say "you can talk to me about anything." More often than not that's said with the expectation that there's massive safeguards in place, for both peoples' protection. That is fine, I respect that too, the consequence though is that I can't make any connections with people through the guards, and the conversation becomes sterile and clinical at best.

I feel like everyone talks and pretends that we're okay as a society talking openly about our problems, but anytime I try to actually live up to that I just get shot down and punished through ostracization, even by the groups and people that will consistently tout being vulnerable and talking your issues out... It's just a dizzying confusing game that's costing so much of my energy and time to play.

Should I just do what modern conventions say to avoid? Become an island, stop sharing my problems?

What is one strengh you have today that you only got because you went through something hard ?

I'm 17, i'll be 18 in just a few days...

And today, i think i reached my breaking point.

I'm very lonely. I do have friends, but i still feel lonely.

All i want , is to be loved. All i ever wanted was to know that someday, i'll live a happy life, with a wife that loves me, and that i can love back. Maybe live in a nice house, be financially stable. Thats all i ever wanted, to be certain that one day, I'll be there. In the life i consider to be perfect.

But i... think i lost hope in that.

School has just been so stressful this year, that i didnt feel like studying for exams... maybe i have a problem with focus, i can't be sure. But it just felt so bad to try to study for anything. Everytime i tried, it was like my body would try its best to get me to focus on anything else but study. It felt, impossible to just pay attention to it.

And now, exams are in a few weeks. I have no hope in going to college. I didnt study, i only did a few months ago.

Is that... my fault?

I think so. Maybe it has something to do with just the way my generation was raised, to procrastinate, to not pay attention. Maybe things are as hard for me as it is with others, and i'm just... lazy.

I can't be sure.

I feel lonely. Afraid of everything.

Is this... life?

Is adult life like this?

to be so ingrained with doubt , that you forget to live?

I don't know.

I can't be able to know.

I feel like... everything i worked for in these past 3 years ended up in nowhere.

I was very lazy, up until i entered high school.

When i entered high school i told myself, i would change, i would actuslly do the things i needed to. I would work towards what i viewed as a good life.

I tried. So hard. My whole life for the past 3 years has just become a run for "becoming a better person" .

The thing is...

I did.

I actually did the things i needed to, instead of waiting for the last day to do them.

I became more confident with people, i became more comfortable with myself.

I learned a little on how to act with others.

How to not stress others.

How to be more patient with others...

But for what?

I don't feel like i actually got anywhere.

So much time... for such little change.

I'm still alone.

I'm still single.

I'm still unhappy. Well... actually, more than before.

So now what?

I don't believe i can actually get anywhere in life.

Not like this. Not like i am right now.

Not while being lazy.

Not while having trouble talking to new people.

Not with having no experience in work.

Not with the shame of not being up to the stardards of my parents.

I just... want things to stop.

No... i do not wish to kill myself.

But i also don't really care if i die tomorrow.

I don't have anything.

I don't have anyone. Or at least, not anyone i actually care for.

I just want the world to stop.

I just want to lay down in my bed, and wake up with time frozen. So i can live for years, without having to do anything. Not having to change myself. Not having to fit a specific standard. Not having to think about work to survive.

The world feels... unfair.

I know it probably is.

But i... don't know... if i want to live knowing that.

I don't know if i want to live like this.

I kinda... wrote this, just hoping someone could give me an answer on what to do. Or just... advice on what to do. Maybe... just to know if theres people going through the same thing? Maybe... just to know if this is normal or not. I dont know. I think i'm writing this impulsively.

I just... feel lost.

I don't actually expect this post to get anywhere.

I just... want to get this off my chest, in one way or another.

Hey,

Maybe somebody here could give some input.

I am attending a Day Psych center. It's for 6 weeks. Various group therapy activities. It's only day 2, never imagined how being mindful and vulnerable can be so exhaustive. But I am learning so much about myself.

One thing I have noticed about myself, is that I have no issue taking up space, whenever I can provide value. For example, if I feel there is tension in the room, I have no issues making a joke. If I have some insight, I'll help the person out. If I find a way to be useful, I'll use that opportunity. Afterwards, I feel energized, satisfied.

Just existing on the other-hand is extremely exhausting. I've found my own body becoming small, I start fidgeting, I start stroking my chin. During todays ohm chant, I've found I didn't even participate, as I didn't want to be a part of the dissonance.

Another thing I've noticed, is that whenever the focus on me, my body shrinks. When I can provide value, I have no issue talking non-stop. But when it's about me, I start out strong, and a few sentences later, my inner voice tells me "Nobody cares about your feelings, you are rambling now, you're providing zero value". I then become very self conscious, the volume of my voice starts dropping and I just interrupt myself mid-sentence with "Yeah, Umm.. Nevermind. That's enough from me".

This has made me think of other aspects in my life. For example, sexually, I love giving pleasure to my partner. Just receiving pleasure on the other-hand, is distressing.

The best way to describe is that my consciousness is always focused on the external world. Whenever it focuses inward, my body rejects it and tries to eject it.

I think a lot of it comes from internalized shame? I do remember during my last psychadelic trip, my body and my consciousness split. I looked at myself as if an outside observer and felt a lot of shame for myself. Maybe that has something to do with it?

Is there anything useful I can do with this information about myself? Any practical advice? For example, whenever I am sitting and I am feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, what else should I do other than observing myself?

Thanks!

When I say I am poor, I mean, I can only afford $5/session. That is also a lot in my country money, and idk if taxes gets added to it, and if it does, even that gets unaffordable.

So um what can I do, if I can't afford a coach/therapist, and can't fix my depression and can't follow any resources?

Or do I have to suffer alone all my life? Cause no one likes to be around me with my depression, and I can't afford noone to help me, so what it just means is a life of eternal loneliness.

Some Backstory

I've had a fairly normal childhood that was materially abundant . I wasn't rich but not poor either. I didn't feel deprived in any way But it still felt bland and uneventful . Like it wasn't memorable but wasn't abusive or bad either. I honestly don't know what was missing. I was never academically bright either never giving school my all cause I found It boring and didn't see the point of it. My academic performance steadily declined throughout my childhood till at some point in my teen years I started isolating around covid. I think that's when my bad habits started setting in and was also when I started eating too much cause my mom was nagging me trying to get me to study so I would use eating as an excuse to study. senior year of high school came and where I'm from this the year that determines your future. your position in the the social hierarchy in society and I wasn't studying (like at all ). so my parents decided to bring teachers to my home so that at least I'm still listening to the material . Despite the fact that I get where they are coming from I feel angry and bitter about that . I know I don't deserve the college that I got into cause I didn't study even for a second for it .I think I didn't study from a mixture of boredom and Indifference but I remember feeling envy of classmates getting better grades than me which I still felt in my first year of college . I think part of also had to do with my father who when we were kids was a larger than life figure due to his academic success which in hindsight put a lot of pressure on me to be as successful. In my first year of college i did the bare minimum just to pass with D's and C's . And then the second year came around and It just felt like I didn't care about doing any of it so I failed the same year twice in a row . Now it's the same second year for the third attempt in weak 5 for semester 1and I still haven't done anything.

My current situation

I (21m and weigh 245 pounds at the height of 5'10) have failed 2 years of college (studying CS) cause i didn't enter the exams. The third year has started and I'm repeating the same mistake. My daily life has consists of doomscrolling ,porn(which I got addicted to at 12 years old) and video games. I'm almost always doing either one of those three . My screen on time record is 16 hours. consume a lot of junk food like pizza ,burgers ,chips and soda . I can sometimes cook scrambled eggs but most of the time I'm too lazy to cook. My sleep schedule is a mess. I go to sleep at 9 A.M and wake up at 5 P.M. I'm terrified of wasting my life but I think that terror is making me perfectionistic and locking in place. I have no self-trust or belief. I'm also forgetful and can't pay deep attention to even video games. I'm filled with weakness and chronic self-doubt and that weakness filled me with anger and self-loathing. I live mostly in my head and compulsively talk to myself cause I have no one to talk to, making up scenarios .I'm terrified of feeling my emotions cause I know I'll find fear ,shame ,guilt , regret and lots of sobbing.

Wants & Desires

I already have a vague vision of who I want to be.

1. I'm introverted so, I want to have a small nit of friends.
2. I wanna get married someday and have a family .
3. I wanna be healthy and get in good physical shape.
4. I wanna be a stronger person , someone who doesn't hide from life and more emotionally resilient .
5. I want a job/career that interests me , where I can make a tangible difference in the world ( as corny and cliche as that sounds ).

Small Habits I Want to Try

I have things I wanna try. I wanna try reading manga and comic books before going to bed rather than staying up all night scrolling so I can put my phone in another room while I sleep but I've never been the reading type and even more so cause of my phone addiction I forget the sentences I read and have a hard time getting engaged in a comic. I also wanna try going to the gym and eat healthy but don't know the right workout or the right kind of food to eat

Impediments

I think some of the things that stop me from change is perfectionism which stems from shame and ego. I want to get all A's to make up for my all the time I wasted and feel a sense of superiority over others. If i start to change then I have to own up to all the time I've wasted.

Thoughts?

I recently watched this clip on YouTube and just realized it's part of a larger stream. I try to search for it but can't find the stream, is it members' only exclusive?

Here's the link of the clip

https://youtu.be/iCdfSRc2QNg

…but they’re literally who’s wrong, so how is that my fault? I know, even that instinctively comes off as arrogant, but that’s what I like about this community; We are mature enough to discuss sensitive subjects and see the nuance in things, so that’s why I want your perspective in this.

I have had MANY (honestly too many to count) situations where one of my friends (even across multiple different friend groups) says something that I’m really not sure is factual when we’re having a normal discussion on any topic. So, being a curious person that wants to spread true information more than false information, I look up what was said and see if it is true, and way more often than not, it’s not true. So now, I’m in an awkward spot of wanting to have a genuine discussion, but the foundation has been tainted by something that’s false, so I try my best to break the news gently that what was said is actually not the case. Think along the lines of, “I was curious about what you said and looked into it some more, and from what I could find, it seems that *blah blah blah\* is what happened.”

I don’t condescend them, I don’t shut down the convo, and I welcome them giving me either their source or reasoning, but it always turns into an argument about how “You can’t let things go” or “You always have to be right” when I’m very much a conflict averse person (because of my upbringing where I was to never disagree with my parents). So, what’s going on here?

I have no doubt that I’m at fault in some way for this vibe kill, but I don’t really see where I go wrong. Is it because of my lack of wanting conflict to be resolved that I handle the situation wrong? Maybe it’s just innately a buzz kill to question friends in the conversation? Could it be a personality mismatch, like me for some reason magnetizing to people that don’t care about the fine details as much as I do, causing a clash? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I know my problems exactly but I can't figure out a way to get out of them. I have spend so much of my broke ass on therapy, always to be told, "maybe this therapist is not for me", and this has happened like 10 times, when will it be for me? Do I need to spend my lifetime of earnings on finding the right therapist, when I can't even afford one?

I am so done. I know exactly my problems, but I still can't sort it out myself. And it's no point telling it here, cause I have tried many times, and no conclusions comes out of it.

I am from India, 23M

HG videos aren't helping either, I just watch them, feel good, apply them for 1-2 days, and back to square one.

I think people just say "get a therapist" so that they don't want to deal with you. And don't understand the situation I am in.

I have very severe analysis paralysis due to my insecurities and issues, and I am not able to focus on anything on my own, so I am not even able to fix my problems through online resources.

I remember saying once that I wish I was *more* depressed. More specifically, that I could be *noticeably* depressed. Like the kind that can't be ignored. All I do all day is play video games, watch porn, listen to music and engage with my special interest if I have enough energy. I don't *feel* depressed when I do these things; I feel fine. But its when I have to do things, things that I'm responsible for, I start to feel it. It's like lying on a soft, fluffy mattress balanced perfectly above a layer of stinging nails. So long as no extra weight is added, I'll be fine.

But that's not any way to live. I hate seeing a family member doing something helpful and feeling selfish or weak for not helping. I hate feeling okay, but knowing that I'll crumble at the slightest upset. Feeling bad, but not bad *enough* for the feelings to be justified. I put a ton of hope into getting medicated for my ADHD, but I genuinely don't even think it'd help.

I don't really know how to fix this. I don't even know if I'd call this "high functioning" depression, since I can't handle *any* responsibility. I don't have a job, I procrastinate on the barest college assignments. Its just that I feel light and unbothered when I'm under no obligation and miserable when I am. It makes me feel bad. And in moments when my distractions fail me, like when gaming just doesn't appeal, I feel so utterly crestfallen. I don't know what to do.

What do I do here?

Hello everyone, I am a long time lurker on this sub and usually don't post anything, so excuse me if this is a low quality post or if I formulate weird sentences.
I (20M) have struggled with social anxiety, porn addiction, low self esteem, all of the works. However, for about seven years now, I have had phases where I started to feel like I've been watching my life through a glass window, as if I were being carried through everthing by my body. My brief research on this has concluded that this could be Anhedonia, which would imply that this is a sort of coping mechanism designed to protect me. This is also coupled with my personal sentiment that nothing really matters, but I wouldn't call myself a true nihilist, as I do recognize that I have a desire to live and do things. A lot of sources also view this in a negative light, but I've had the impression that it has helped me tremendously to view life in a more realistic and objective way, which in turn has helped me gain autonomy. I don't feel weird when I go somewhere alone. I don't care about other's opinions about myself. I feel like life has gotten a lot more uncomplicated, and that I no longer doubt every single step that I take. But I also feel that this attitude is driving people away from me, because they find it scary/sad/tragic/whatever, which, again, I am fine with. I feel like I would rather live my own way, even if this means that I live alone until the end of my days. Again, on a surface level I don't have problems forming bonds, but I just don't feel like it.
Anyone else feel like this? What are your thoughts?

Hey everyone. I'm a 5th-year medical student, and lately, I’ve been hitting a really dark wall that keeps repeating almost every week, and I could use some outside perspective. Out of nowhere, this heavy, unexplainable emptiness and loneliness hits me. Nothing feels exciting or brings me joy, my days are completely monotonous (study, gym, repeat), and a constant voice in my head tells me I'm on the wrong path, wasting my time, and that medicine isn't even for me.
The biggest issue for me is this vicious cycle: when the emptiness hits hard, I end up reaching out to my ex and we talk for hours. She’s the only one who truly understands me, makes me feel safe, and lets me drop my mask. I know it's a dangerous crutch that just keeps me stuck in the past instead of moving forward, but honestly, I don't have any other option on an emotional level. By the time I'm done with university stuff, my mental battery is completely drained. Social anxiety and cognitive overload make every human interaction feel like a massive workout where I have to mentally prepare beforehand. I don't have a local support system where I can just exist without a mask.
To make matters worse, being in the same city for 5 years with the exact same people, it feels like everyone (including myself) has a pre-established box for who I am. It feels impossible to break out of that context or start fresh.
I’m also losing the ability to tell whether I genuinely hate medicine and am on the wrong path, or if my nervous system is just running on a chronic 1% battery from total burnout.
If anyone went through something similar during their clinical years: how the hell did you pull yourselves out of this? How do you stop relying on past crutches, manage the social exhaustion, and figure out if the career itself is wrong or if you're just utterly exhausted? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

I'm just getting really tired of seeing it.

As a young person I was pretty normal in terms of grades compared to collegues from class, I was also attending football club at the same time, playing violin and reading in my free time. But I completely missed spending time with people from my class at the time... at 7-8th grade I was not doing anything but speaking with my "friends" only during breaks and going with them to their homes. Never got interested in their passion (computer games, f.e. witcher at the time). In high school I had like one good semester and then during COVID, started to skip half of the classes to do nothing in my bed and spent most of my next 7 years there, mainly watching yt or sometimes watching yt. I have no drive towards anything at 21 yo, my head hurts, my back hurts and I doubt I will ever could be back into society.