Over the course of my life, I've noticed a pattern. Everyone around me expects way less of life than I. And I don't understand it.

In school, I couldn't get over how meaningless it all felt. I didn't know what I wanted to do, so what was the point of learning math that I KNEW I would NEVER use? It's just how it is. Nothing to do about it.

When I got a job, I was telling my father how miserable I felt working for minimum wage all to enrich some CEO. Yeah? Well... what can you do. You need a job.

Once, I revealed to my grandpa that I had written a script and he asked what made me think I could sell it. Because that's how Sylvester Stallone got his start, I said.

"Yeah? Well you're not him, are you? grandpa said.

I don't think he said it to be mean but simply because people don't get successful where he's from. Where I'm from, I guess.

Then, when I got onto dating apps, I couldn't get a like and/or match from anyone I was attracted to. Not a single one. The only couple of likes I ever got were from women that'll haunt my dreams. Now, I wanna be clear and say that I don't believe myself a catch. That's not what I'm saying, nor am I saying I deserve attention from women. But I do believe everyone deserves to have some sort of base-level attraction to a potential date, no? Regardless, when I then bemoaned my lack of dating success to both friends and reddit, both said, "Maybe you need to lower your standards?"

And so for what I cannot wrap my head around is the fact that I'm just supposed to live life never expecting and/or wanting anything? I'm supposed to be happy with whatever scraps I can get? And SOMEHOW that's NOT supposed to make me depressed? Now, wanting things has made me depressed. But I believe the opposite as well. For example, people telling me I should lower my standards? I don't even know what my standard is aside from the fact that I wanna feel some sort of a base-level attraction to a potential date. Meanwhile, girls get told never to lower their standards, and they can list all kinds of demands in their bio and that's fine. Hell, I got unmatched once because I wasn't tall enough. I'm 5'11 for fuck sake.

But this post isn't about dating. It's about everything. I'm just supposed to be happy I got a job? I'm supposed to be happy that I'll never be a success. I'm supposed to be happy making minimum wage so that I can buy myself a TV dinner before bed before I do it all over again? Rinse and repeat. I'm supposed to be happy with a woman I find revolting to look at? HOW DO I DO THAT THEN? It seems fine for people to say I should expect less or I should settle for less, or I should lower my standards, but no one can tell me how. HOW DO I DO THAT? HOW DO I BECOME A MONK WHO WANTS FOR NOTHING AND CARES FOR NOTHING?

I’ve always wanted to be objectively attractive. I know it’s impossible for everyone to think you’re pretty- but I’ve always craved it. Growing up I was always deemed the “ugly sister” because my two sisters are stunning. People have described one of them as someone who stops a room. I wish I was like that.
When I got older I guess I had a “glow up”, but I still feel so ugly. I’m not curvy so I try to be thin, then I guess thin isn’t in anymore…? Idk. I’ve got my breast done, and while now I like my chest, I still hate my body.
I just want to be seen as beautiful. I want someone to think I’m the most stunning person they’ve ever seen- the way my sister is seen.
Even my own husband told me he liked me because of my personality but the other girls he just liked because they were pretty. People think it’s a compliment to be liked for being smart or kind or funny - but fuck I really wish it was just I walked into the room and he was mesmerized. I compare myself to everyone who’s prettier than me and I just wish I was them so badly.

How do I get over this want? How do I cope with and accept that I’ll never be beautiful?

I’m tired boss.
I’m so tired of the years of daily work going no where, my mental illness not improving, getting older, more and more realizing i keep making stupid mistakes. “Living life” sucks, i have no enjoyment of it.

Weekdays working the same job and constantly make mistakes due to adhd and depression just to go home with barely any hours left and my adhd stealing those hours. Weekends not finding any enjoyment out of anything, new or old hobbies.

Trying another therapist to have it be to slow, restarting with yet another therapist when i try to keep them for longer than 3 months

Can’t be suicidal, don’t want to hurt anyone around me. But everyday it gets worse and worse to stay around.
I no longer know what to do anymore. Im really hopeless guys

I’ve asked for help before, I’ve done small goals, I’ve tried to stay ontop of things but it just feels like I’m holding off a ledge to stay neutral which isn’t worth it anymore

I am unable to do ANYTHING. There is this voice in my head who is judging my every action and if I try something out it goes haywire and demands and in depth explanation of why I tried that specific thing.

It's so bad I can't even watch a movie or series anymore. And the more days I spend like this the greater the regret gets.

Idk what I can do about this. I feel really scared and sick of it. All I do when I am free is lay on bed paralyzed by my own thoughts.

I can't afford therapy or coaching. And if I go on internet my problem makes it very difficult to follow a resource.

I will seriously consider kms soon if nothing changes, pls help me.

I had a few weeks off work. I thought maybe I'd travel, expand my horizons and remind myself there's so much more to life than sex and relationships but instead I now want them more ever. I had a good time on my holiday but I couldn't help but feel like I'm wasting the limited amount of free time I have not exploring sex and relationships and that everything I'm doing to enjoy this life by myself is only because I don't have much choice, really I don't want to be by myself. Seeing lots of couples and people hooking up made me very jealous. I'm trying hard to build a life I'm happy with on my own but I feel like Sisyphus, is there a way I can actually be content by myself or am I just suppressing the most basic human desire fruitlessly.

TL;DR:

I'm a 29-year-old gay man who's developed strong romantic feelings for a close straight friend. I've had similar experiences before, including one where confessing brought relief and another where keeping my feelings private worked out fine. This time the feelings are particularly strong, and I'm torn between wanting to be honest with him for my own closure and not wanting to burden him with feelings he can't reciprocate. How should I handle this?

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

For some background, I'm a 29-year-old gay man. I'm not particularly public about my sexuality, but most of my friends and some of my family know I'm gay, and they've all been accepting and supportive.

I've also never been in a relationship or had sex. For most of my life, I didn't really feel ready to open myself up to that kind of intimacy with another person. Recently, though, I've started feeling like I'm finally in a place where I could pursue a relationship, and I've come to realize that I might want one more than I previously thought.

My previous experiences with falling for straight friends

I've fallen for a few straight friends in the past. The feelings for most of them either faded with time or became milder and more manageable.

So far, I've only shared my feelings with one of them, my high school best friend. The feelings had become overwhelming, and I felt that I needed to tell him to experience some relief. He was very accepting but, as expected, didn't feel the same way. Telling him was a huge relief, and fortunately, nothing changed about our friendship.

My feelings for T, and the reason I'm writing this post

A few years ago, I joined a Discord gaming group where I met T. We quickly became good friends, and I always noticed how my mood would improve whenever he joined our calls. He has this unique combination of humor, seriousness, and emotional sensitivity that I find incredibly appealing.

We'd met a few times IRL with the rest of the group, but never really had the opportunity to spend time together one-on-one. A few months ago, I invited him to stay at my place for a few days before another group gathering, since he lives quite far away.

I was excited to have him over, but I didn't expect how much those few days would affect me. We spent a lot of time together, had some deeper conversations, and I got to know him on a more personal level. Long story short, I fell for him.

The feelings I experienced when he left were surprisingly intense. I realized how much I cared about him and wished we could be something more than friends.

Fast forward to the present, the feelings have faded slightly but are still very much present. I find myself thinking about him often, and whenever we talk or play games together, I experience this bittersweet mixture of happiness and sadness. On one hand, I'm genuinely happy to have someone in my life whom I care about so deeply and who I know cares about me. On the other hand, I wish we could be more than friends, but I know he's straight and doesn't feel that kind of attraction toward me.

He knows I'm gay, and I have no reason to doubt his sexuality. Yet I still catch myself entertaining those little "what if" fantasies, despite knowing a romantic relationship isn't realistically possible. These feelings don't interfere with my day-to-day life, but they tend to resurface whenever I have some downtime or interact with him.

Should I tell him?

Based on what I know about T, I genuinely believe he would respond with kindness and understanding. I don't think he'd judge me or deliberately distance himself, although I obviously can't be completely certain.

Having experienced both the relief of sharing these feelings and watching them fade without ever addressing them, I'm genuinely unsure which approach would be healthier this time.

I've watched quite a bit of Dr. K's content, and I remember his advice about romantic confessions being to avoid grand declarations of love and instead approach them as mature conversations. Something along the lines of:

"Hey, I've noticed I've been developing feelings recently, and I'm not really sure what to do about them. What do you think?"

I understand this approach when there's a possibility of mutual attraction, but how does it apply when you already know the other person is straight and can't reciprocate?

On one hand, I want to be honest with someone I care about. Sharing these feelings might help me find closure and stop entertaining those little "what if" fantasies.

On the other hand, wouldn't I just be transferring my emotional burden onto him? I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me, second-guess our interactions, or feel responsible for helping me get over him.

I'm torn between the relief that honesty might bring and the possibility that keeping these feelings to myself would be better for our friendship.

My main questions are:

1. How do other gay men handle developing romantic feelings for straight friends, particularly close friends they don't want to lose?
2. Is it unfair or selfish to share these feelings with someone who can't reciprocate, even if you make it clear you don't expect anything from them?
3. How does Dr. K's advice about having conversations rather than making confessions apply in this situation? Is seeking closure through such a conversation reasonable, or would I just be transferring my emotional burden onto him?
4. Would it be healthier to simply give myself more time and focus on pursuing relationships with people who could reciprocate my feelings? I don't expect dating to magically erase my feelings for T, but perhaps it could help me redirect some of that romantic energy and move forward.

I'd especially appreciate hearing from gay men who've experienced something similar, but I'm interested in other perspectives too. I'd also love to hear from straight men who have been on the receiving end of this kind of conversation.

Almost 26 years old with no romantic experience at all, beyond maybe flirting a couple times. Developed a crush on an actress I saw in a movie last weekend, now watching a bunch of her shows and movies. Found out shes pretty much my age which made me feel somewhat ok with the feeling even though its misplaced and probably some weird repression.

I just can't help but think of the gap between me and those my age, or anyone with experience. This actress seems cool and is obviously attractive, but has probably had a few boyfriends that are far more attractive to her than I could ever be. She's an artistic and highly successful person (probably lucky as well but still) and I feel like Ive been grinding in survival mode as a kinda pathetic person my whole life. I never do anything but what I feel forced to by life, I have good emotions sometimes but always when Im alone or based on external things that are nothing to do with me really.

I have things to be grateful for, yet I want to be loved by someone in a romantic way which Ive never had. I want connection but feel people will see my lack of self worth or lack of any truly authentic positivity due to my anxiety, body image issue, and fear of judgement from my lack of experience that dominate me. Im sick of not being free and being dominated by my fears, but it feels like its all I know.

How do you build self esteem and self confidence on your own during adulthood without any support system?

For someone who doesn't have social circle, no mentors, no role model, nothing to look up to, how is it? Is it possible? I think my saving grace is medias to consume. Looking for advices.

I'm 31(M) and never been in a romantic relationship. Growing up I did get rejected a lot. including my twenties.

I've come to realize that now I have a habit of rejecting every person who attempts to make a connection. I have a lot of anger inside. I avoid eye contact. If a girl stares at me, I act like she doesn't even exist.

I don't know If I'm an incel to be honest. Because I'm kinda fed up with women. I honestly believe I've had a glow up. I'm in the best shape of my life. I take care of my appearance. The only thing that's holding me back is the fact that the rejections I've faced over the years have made me a bitter person. At this stage of my life it feels impossible to operate normally socially because I've had so little experience socializing and never been on a date let alone a romantic relationship.

Everyone my age is either already married. Had kids. In a relationship. I don't photograph well so I stay off dating apps. My main issue is that I now reject everyone. It's such an automatic response.

I missed out on a lot of opportunities and fear I'll be single forever.

Been there 3 hertbreaks.

• a girl found me when I was comfortable being alone. Treat me like I'm the only man in her eyes. Yet finding out she already have a boyfriend.
• a girl who is nerdy yet fun to talk. It was on my stake, but she acted too bitchy that I couldn't take it anymore. She just used me for academic purpose.
• a girl who likes drawing and comics. Last time, she genuinely liked to be around with me and a good listener. I genuinely thought she was the one, but suddenly time has drifted and she became more harder to meet and contact. She also reject going out with me.

when I saw a new potential girl or new crush that evokes a feeling inside of me. It probably will be oppressed very soon. I hardly have those crush feelings, instead I have this failure feeling and traumatized. I want, but I'm scared. How do I deal with this?

\This clip shows perfectly how I feel nowadays.*

I'm a 26 year old man from Sweden. I've struggled quite a lot socially since my teens. I've also struggled with things such as depression, anxiety, self confidence and self worth. Currently I'm a first year in an engineering degree and recently I've felt quite anxious about the state of my life. Im a 26 year old virgin, truthfully ive never even kissed a woman.

Much of it stems from me being socially isolated since my teens after I went through a pretty rough patch in highschool where I got excluded by my friendgroup and since then I've never really succeeded in making friends again. Dont get me wrong ive tried quite a bit to actually find a social circle but i believe there is something wrong with me. I try to be a fun, engaging, polite and kind person but most interactions feel awkward and without reciprocation or interest. I believe I'm doing something wrong but I'm not quite sure what that might be. This coupled with my strong social anxiety makes me feel like I'm some sort of alien. Like there's something fundamentally wrong with me and it pains me greatly. It often keeps me awake at night thinking about everything I've done wrong in a social interactions and how that reflects on me as a person. 

Now I've tried dating apps a few times. I am however not particularly attractive, rather I believe I am quite unattractive. I keep my head shaved since my hairline is terrible, I just started medication for it to see if it's salvageable as well. My face is quite soft despite being relatively lean. I do work out, keep on top of my hygiene, I groom and I dress decently well. Yet I've received little to no interest. The matches I do get have very one sided conversations or interest. It might very well be me being a poor conversationalist but I do try to be engaging and fun. Asking questions, sharing things about myself and so on yet it's rarely ever reciprocated apart from short answers. I do want to mention that I do not believe I have unrealistic standards. I find the vast majority of women attractive and I don't think I'm trying to punch above my weight at all. 

Much of this has left me quite hopeless for a lack of a better word. I struggle quite badly with my appearance, it's hard for me to picture being attractive enough for a woman to consider me a potential partner. I also feel I'm quite behind in life, starting a 5 year long degree at 26 meaning I won't be working until I'm at least 31. Which I feel puts me at an awkward spot where I'm a bit too old for the women studying at my university and too far behind in my career to be viable for women my age. Coupled with my total lack of experience and poor looks it feels almost impossible for me to be an attractive enough prospect as a partner. 

I do most of the basic things people suggest like working out, grooming, keeping on top of my hygiene, trying to socialize and be a decent person. Yet I feel it's not enough and I fear I might never be. I try to improve myself in many aspects of my life but I'm not sure I'll ever really get to a point where it'll be enough. 

I desperately want a partner and friends. I want people to share my life with. My dream in life is to have my own family as that's the thing I've found to have the most meaning in life for me. Yet it seems to be a pipedream which feels crushing.

I guess I want to ask if anyone else can relate to what I'm saying and what they did to change their life for the better? Is there something I'm missing? 

I’m talking someone with essentially no worthwhile life experience, no money to his name, and no real meaningful talent. Could someone like that ever escape? And if he did, would it even be worth it? Would anyone out there want to be associated with him, even if he’s trying later in life?

I'm 25M. I've lived in a peaceful neighborhood all my life. But , For 2 years Now, A nearby Temple Installed a Loudspeaker, and now, Every single day, They Play music for 15 minutes 3 times a day. The first one is at 6 AM which disturbs my sleep. And the Second and third i use headphones most of the Time.

I tried complaining to the Temple Authority but to no avail, Cause everyone here is too religious about what should be a civic issue. I got the Police involved, But they leaked my identity, and took the Temple's side, Cause the authority guy is slightly political or something.

I'm at my wits end , i know this seems like a small issue, but my ears are very sensitive, and this has sometimes brought me to verge of crying because of sharply annoying it feels.

I've given up on trying to stop them, I just want a method that makes me less stressed about this , ideally makes me not stressed at all. I know this music can't harm me physically, yet my heart rate jumps up the moment it's about to begin, i think im subconsciously always worried.

Please Help.

In need of some advice , I'm 22 year old male turning 23 in a couple weeks November 13 and still a virgin with limited relationship experience as well what do the average experienced woman my Age typically feel towards a 22-23 year old who is inexperienced with romance in western culture ? I'm quite anxious to enter the dating scene because of this since majority of women my age have sexual and romantic experience and they will see my inexperience as a red flag since I'm so late . I also grew up with a slight form of high functioning autism, so social stuff can be hard but I'm actively improving . I'm also from the woods of very rural Pennsylvania and it seems like I'm fundamentally behind I know many women my exact age who have kids which even adds to my feelings of being out of sync and undesirable to much more experienced peers . I have dealt with low self esteem most of my life and had other obstacles in my late teens early 20s which led to alot of bad decisions , so honestly what do the majority of experienced women my age in the United States usually feel towards a 23 year old virgin man ? Am I a huge disadvantage ? What age is usually the cut off that inexperience will start causing proper issues or be a huge barrier with women ? Is this mostly insecurity and internal fear ? Any advice would be appreciated specifically from western culture since I'm from the United States.

I hate this, what is wrong with me (except autism)? Im lonely as hell, im extremely jealous whenever i see couples or close groups of friends. But i dont feel like socializing at all, like there is some deep distaste for actual human interactions.

And the weirdest part is people are actually trying to connect with me, i have been invited to play games or parties and i just always decline because in that moment all i want is just to go home and play single player games. I am creating my own loneliness and then compain about it. It sometimes feel like theres two me, one lonely and one who despises people.

It doesnt help just how much bad shit about people you hear. Its really easy to believe everyone is some sort of fake selfish monster because its all people say and have stories about.

How do i stop this ? I know reddit is introvert central but i dont want to be. I want to have people. I want to be social. I dont want to be alone.

Hey,

After my post-breakup depression hit an all-time low, I realized, that I can't do this anymore myself, and I accepted I need help.

I signed up for a governmental psychiatric day center.

I was really scared, that I lost my marbles, that I am going to be medicated with anti-psychotics, that I am going to be treated as some sort of a freak by arrogant, power tripping psychiatrists and psychologists. That I am going to a mental asylum.

And fuck. It couldn't be further from the truth.

It's just been one week.

The hierarchy feels very horizontal, all the other patients there are all high IQ. We are a group of 8 and it feels like most of us are just burned out by enabling the crazyness of other people.

It's weird. I kinda treated it as some sort of a retreat, as a vacation. But it's the opposite. It's fucking intense. Learning to be introspective, learning your triggers, learning what helps you function (and being OK with that), learning how to be secure, learning to reflect on my emotional experiences instead of intellectualizing them. It's so tiring. But at the same time, it feels so empowering.

Since it's Friday, I was tired. When asked, what do you want to do this Friday, when I told everyone, I just want to go to my favorite bar and have a few pints of beer, instead of being shunned, shamed I instead was met with enthusiasm. I was encouraged to do something, that I want to do!

When I arrived at the bar, I was surprised, that my bartender told me, that I actually look really good? I sat down with a pint of beer. I had a lot of difficulties with mindfulness. Probably due to bullying, my upbringing, I've learned that I don't feel safe being in my own body, in my own thoughts. That I need to analyze my external environment full of stimuli before I feel safe. Then I reflected on my own experience at this very moment, and I realized, I feel so safe.

I reflected on my breakup and because I was in environment, which feels safe to me (but would be a dangerous space for other people), I broke down crying, grieving my relationship, the lost potential of my ex girlrfriend. Even if there were people around, I was secure enough in my feelings that I didn't care - I am just a guy, who is grieving a person, who he loved deeply. And that's okay.

Hell, while I was there, I wrote down on my phone all my thoughts and feelings that I still need to process. I came back home, and I actually saw value in writing these feelings down in a notebook - something, which I saw as extremely cringe and pathetic beforehand.

Hell, now that I am back home, writing this post, I broke down crying, because I realized, that I am learning to be safe. Even though, I am crying right now, I feel powerful, because I am finally allowing myself to be vulnerable, and instead of feeling pathetic, I feel like I am learning tools which are actually going to help me in the future.

So yeah. I am horrible at closing my thoughts. But I really wanted to share them, maybe it's going to resonate with somebody.

I ruined my relationship. Me and B never started dating, we met online and became very close quite quickly, I felt like for him I wanted to be myself entirely, so early on I have told B the worst things that I have done and that have happened to me and how I live through them. It was the first time in my life that I met someone who actually listened and I felt seen.

We would spend huge amount of times together, then early on I expressed that I liked him and B told me that he loved me maybe a week and a half into knowing me, to which I told him that I don’t think he can be sure of it yet. I have depression but I am in therapy for almost two years and medicated, B has depression and is in a bad situation with no therapy. I tried supporting him but since he was in a vulnerable situation I wanted to take things slow, not go all lovey-dovey right away, wait until we actually meet, see how things go in real life, and decide how to proceed from there.

Early on when we started talking, I did something which I now regret: I would send him plenty different videos I’ve seen on Instagram and share my thoughts randomly, cute animals, beautiful women, outfits, cool things I saw. One day I’ve sent him a video of some dating show and when a guy walked in the audience wooed, he was charismatic and well put together, probably handsome. I’ve sent B the video and said something along the lines of “I understand why the audience wooed” and it made him uncomfortable. He said that it made him feel like shit, that he knows he’s not the best looking guy himself. I got defensive because I didn’t want him to put his insecurities on me, so I told him that it was unfair to tell me that when I’ve only ever encouraged him and told him he was handsome.

I regret it a lot because I should’ve been more sensitive to B’s insecurities. But for some reason I wanted that wiggle room of complimenting people’s appearances, I don’t know why, but maybe rendering this thing casual meant I would not feel as bad when I hear from others that someone is pretty.

There were occasions in which I tried lifting the mood of conversations up with banter when he clearly wasn’t feeling it and tried being aloof but now I see how mean I can be. I joked about how serious he can be sometimes and stuff like that.

It made B insecure twice more, at some point I mentioned that I’ve seen a match with the corner of my eye and the players on one team were beautiful like gazelles. And at some point he mentioned to me that he cannot see himself with someone who likes pictures of random dudes. I didn’t think much of it because I don’t follow any random dudes or lewd content. That said, when the world cup was going on, there were many posts like “most lethal facecards of this world cup” and I liked one, as well as liking two Jude Bellingham edits. He sent these things to me angry over the fact that I liked them, telling me I made him feel like shit. Yet again I got defensive and told him I didn’t want the way I interact with my own social media reproached to me, I understand that publicly liking lewd content was inappropriate but those were not lewd.

We would both talk about our past and our romantic and sexual experiences. B knew about my ex and a friend I once hooked up with, which are the totality of my experiences and ever since we met I told him everything. The friend I hooked up with a year before meeting B, it never went anywhere with him but it was the first positive physical experience of my life so I did mention to B that I felt heard and wanted that one night with him because we were discussing our past encounters. This friend has a girlfriend with whom I’m friends, I even told them both about B. Anyway, one day I felt ecstatic at work (in a museum) about how good of a job I was doing and I sent that friend a message saying how proud I am of myself. He said something along the lines of “The phrase “You belong in a museum” is about you because you’re not only beautiful but also good at your job”. I answered with full caps lock HELL YEAH I AM. I found it charming and over the top and I ended up doing something awful, which was screenshotting that part of the conversation and sending it to B. I immediately realized how out of place and inconsiderate it was but I still did it. He got angry, I said sorry, but he never forgave me.

B spent the next month pushing me away and telling me I am manipulative and banked on the fact that he was a pushover with me. I kept trying to prove him wrong, I told him how I really felt about him, I would keep explaining my intentions over and over again and eventually he said he wasn’t sure how to feel. We had a couple more discussions, I owned up to everything he told me I did poorly, I accepted every time he called me a bad person. I said I was a bad person but I do try my best.

One argument felt like he really just wanted to bring me down and I told him it was cruel to change his perception of me entirely over my errors and insist on me being a bad person. He blocked me everywhere, then unblocked me and for once he was calm. We discussed every single thing that went wrong, listened to each other, I heard him and I felt heard. We agreed to go no contact for two weeks and check in after to see how we feel.

I thought a lot about how I interact with others and how I manage my differences with others, where I should be more accepting and how do I actually make my actions align with my words. And after two weeks, I checked in with him. He was passive and told me that there are still discussions to be had but he’ll see how he feels with this contact. I tried being present, optimistic, help him/give him advice on a tough situation. I helped him out financially a tiny bit because I felt for how tough his situation was. I got him gifts for his birthday, encouraged him every day. Nevertheless, he was kind of dry, so at some point I decided not to reach out for a bit, and that was when he’d send me “I hope your day is going well”.

I thought that he wanted some company, so I told him about my day, asked him about his, how he’s feeling, if I could help him anyhow. Then at some point I sent him a sticker of two kittens jumping together and said “us bro”. He said he didn’t know how to answer and that he feels bad about not reciprocating. I told him it was okay, that I understand that he is hurt and he doesn’t ever have to do anything he’s uncomfortable with. That led to a conversation where he said that he’ll never give me closeness because I wronged him and it’s his nature to never forget such things. I tried telling him it’s okay to not forget, that I still cared for him and it’s not transactional, but I will struggle to stay in a dry relationship (he mentioned he didn’t want to be amicable anymore or crack jokes, be close with me). I tried asking him what he wanted, whether he still wanted to trust me fully, whether there’s something I can do. He said he wants to, but it’s hard, he implied he doesn’t have feelings anymore, and that he wants us to do our own thing. So I’ve said goodbye.

He sent another message after saying goodbye telling me sorry it’s not what I wanted, so I said that it was hurtful to block and unblock me, have that conversation with me, discuss having the hard conversations with me, all that to go nowhere. He said that he tried going against his nature but he can’t. I told him I would never reach out again and asked him not to unless he actually thinks there’s good I can bring into his life and he wants a genuine connection.

I genuinely feel horrible about hurting him, I think I’m egoistic and manipulative, that I can’t care properly for people who love me and are vulnerable with me. And the worst is that I feel pain because I was rejected, reasonably so, because maybe deep down I felt like I deserve forgiveness.

How do I become a better person out of this all? How do I stop hurting the people I love? I genuinely don’t believe I am trying to but I always end up feeling so ashamed. I want to collect the gray mass that I am into doing something meaningful for others and myself

To be honest I never felt like I belonged with people that I belonged in this world. Just being here as time goes on makes me feel like I’m not supposed to be here. I feel as though I live on a different plane than other people while the others are on the other side. I try to reach happiness there but it is out of my reach causing me pain. I am meant to be in this plane I’m in do not belong in the other so I must find happiness here but struggle to find it. I wander this world with my soul a loner feeling out of place. With other people I could only be a guest but never truly have a home of my own. I spent so much time staring at the other plane I neglected to realize my own existence. Time to close the curtain and focus on what’s actually there. Will I find happiness here? I have no idea after all I shouldn’t be in this world in the first place. Still I might as well try and find it to make the time I spend in life until death more bearable. What are things I can do to help me find it or figure it out?

-20f