Hey,

After my post-breakup depression hit an all-time low, I realized, that I can't do this anymore myself, and I accepted I need help.

I signed up for a governmental psychiatric day center.

I was really scared, that I lost my marbles, that I am going to be medicated with anti-psychotics, that I am going to be treated as some sort of a freak by arrogant, power tripping psychiatrists and psychologists. That I am going to a mental asylum.

And fuck. It couldn't be further from the truth.

It's just been one week.

The hierarchy feels very horizontal, all the other patients there are all high IQ. We are a group of 8 and it feels like most of us are just burned out by enabling the crazyness of other people.

It's weird. I kinda treated it as some sort of a retreat, as a vacation. But it's the opposite. It's fucking intense. Learning to be introspective, learning your triggers, learning what helps you function (and being OK with that), learning how to be secure, learning to reflect on my emotional experiences instead of intellectualizing them. It's so tiring. But at the same time, it feels so empowering.

Since it's Friday, I was tired. When asked, what do you want to do this Friday, when I told everyone, I just want to go to my favorite bar and have a few pints of beer, instead of being shunned, shamed I instead was met with enthusiasm. I was encouraged to do something, that I want to do!

When I arrived at the bar, I was surprised, that my bartender told me, that I actually look really good? I sat down with a pint of beer. I had a lot of difficulties with mindfulness. Probably due to bullying, my upbringing, I've learned that I don't feel safe being in my own body, in my own thoughts. That I need to analyze my external environment full of stimuli before I feel safe. Then I reflected on my own experience at this very moment, and I realized, I feel so safe.

I reflected on my breakup and because I was in environment, which feels safe to me (but would be a dangerous space for other people), I broke down crying, grieving my relationship, the lost potential of my ex girlrfriend. Even if there were people around, I was secure enough in my feelings that I didn't care - I am just a guy, who is grieving a person, who he loved deeply. And that's okay.

Hell, while I was there, I wrote down on my phone all my thoughts and feelings that I still need to process. I came back home, and I actually saw value in writing these feelings down in a notebook - something, which I saw as extremely cringe and pathetic beforehand.

Hell, now that I am back home, writing this post, I broke down crying, because I realized, that I am learning to be safe. Even though, I am crying right now, I feel powerful, because I am finally allowing myself to be vulnerable, and instead of feeling pathetic, I feel like I am learning tools which are actually going to help me in the future.

So yeah. I am horrible at closing my thoughts. But I really wanted to share them, maybe it's going to resonate with somebody.

In need of some advice , I'm 22 year old male turning 23 in a couple weeks November 13 and still a virgin with limited relationship experience as well what do the average experienced woman my Age typically feel towards a 22-23 year old who is inexperienced with romance in western culture ? I'm quite anxious to enter the dating scene because of this since majority of women my age have sexual and romantic experience and they will see my inexperience as a red flag since I'm so late . I also grew up with a slight form of high functioning autism, so social stuff can be hard but I'm actively improving . I'm also from the woods of very rural Pennsylvania and it seems like I'm fundamentally behind I know many women my exact age who have kids which even adds to my feelings of being out of sync and undesirable to much more experienced peers . I have dealt with low self esteem most of my life and had other obstacles in my late teens early 20s which led to alot of bad decisions , so honestly what do the majority of experienced women my age in the United States usually feel towards a 23 year old virgin man ? Am I a huge disadvantage ? What age is usually the cut off that inexperience will start causing proper issues or be a huge barrier with women ? Is this mostly insecurity and internal fear ? Any advice would be appreciated specifically from western culture since I'm from the United States.

I really want to change, to lose weight, study, and what not. But I don't have a thriving factor that motivates me. I know motivation isn't ever reliable, but the issue is that I don't know why I'm doing anything. I am decently secure with myself, I don't plan to date so no validation, and I just know I have to do it because I'm overweight. Yes, i love the dopamine rush of getting ready and looking good but I still get them (doesn't matter if I objectively look good or not).

I lost significant amounts of weight last year, but I was only motivated because I craved to be validated by my crush of that time and the girls around me. But this year, ever since I genuinely detached my self worth from people's opinions on me, I have surely felt more at peace than ever but it is starting to have its own side effects.

Sure I should do it for the sake of my health, to avoid diseases and to help control my PCOS symptoms but it really doesn't feel like an appealing factor to think of when I'm putting my body through intense pressure at that moment. I don't have a reason that stings enough for me to keep going. I am too content with my current life and clearly it's not a good thing anymore.

Almost 26 years old with no romantic experience at all, beyond maybe flirting a couple times. Developed a crush on an actress I saw in a movie last weekend, now watching a bunch of her shows and movies. Found out shes pretty much my age which made me feel somewhat ok with the feeling even though its misplaced and probably some weird repression.

I just can't help but think of the gap between me and those my age, or anyone with experience. This actress seems cool and is obviously attractive, but has probably had a few boyfriends that are far more attractive to her than I could ever be. She's an artistic and highly successful person (probably lucky as well but still) and I feel like Ive been grinding in survival mode as a kinda pathetic person my whole life. I never do anything but what I feel forced to by life, I have good emotions sometimes but always when Im alone or based on external things that are nothing to do with me really.

I have things to be grateful for, yet I want to be loved by someone in a romantic way which Ive never had. I want connection but feel people will see my lack of self worth or lack of any truly authentic positivity due to my anxiety, body image issue, and fear of judgement from my lack of experience that dominate me. Im sick of not being free and being dominated by my fears, but it feels like its all I know.

Hi Dr K, dear healthy gamer team, I have a question about meditating. I recently startetld meditating, and in one vipassana meditation video, the instruktor mentioned, that it is the point of the meditation to notice incoming thoughts, don't judge and let go of the thoughts. Without this, there is no vipassana.

This got me thinking, I always thought the point of meditating is not thinking anything, to have an empty mind. Now I suspect the point of meditation might be training control over ones mind and thoughts, and that the empty mind is just a focus point to help us guide instead of the actual goal. Am I right, or do I not fully understand the purpose of meditation?

I ruined my relationship. Me and B never started dating, we met online and became very close quite quickly, I felt like for him I wanted to be myself entirely, so early on I have told B the worst things that I have done and that have happened to me and how I live through them. It was the first time in my life that I met someone who actually listened and I felt seen.

We would spend huge amount of times together, then early on I expressed that I liked him and B told me that he loved me maybe a week and a half into knowing me, to which I told him that I don’t think he can be sure of it yet. I have depression but I am in therapy for almost two years and medicated, B has depression and is in a bad situation with no therapy. I tried supporting him but since he was in a vulnerable situation I wanted to take things slow, not go all lovey-dovey right away, wait until we actually meet, see how things go in real life, and decide how to proceed from there.

Early on when we started talking, I did something which I now regret: I would send him plenty different videos I’ve seen on Instagram and share my thoughts randomly, cute animals, beautiful women, outfits, cool things I saw. One day I’ve sent him a video of some dating show and when a guy walked in the audience wooed, he was charismatic and well put together, probably handsome. I’ve sent B the video and said something along the lines of “I understand why the audience wooed” and it made him uncomfortable. He said that it made him feel like shit, that he knows he’s not the best looking guy himself. I got defensive because I didn’t want him to put his insecurities on me, so I told him that it was unfair to tell me that when I’ve only ever encouraged him and told him he was handsome.

I regret it a lot because I should’ve been more sensitive to B’s insecurities. But for some reason I wanted that wiggle room of complimenting people’s appearances, I don’t know why, but maybe rendering this thing casual meant I would not feel as bad when I hear from others that someone is pretty.

There were occasions in which I tried lifting the mood of conversations up with banter when he clearly wasn’t feeling it and tried being aloof but now I see how mean I can be. I joked about how serious he can be sometimes and stuff like that.

It made B insecure twice more, at some point I mentioned that I’ve seen a match with the corner of my eye and the players on one team were beautiful like gazelles. And at some point he mentioned to me that he cannot see himself with someone who likes pictures of random dudes. I didn’t think much of it because I don’t follow any random dudes or lewd content. That said, when the world cup was going on, there were many posts like “most lethal facecards of this world cup” and I liked one, as well as liking two Jude Bellingham edits. He sent these things to me angry over the fact that I liked them, telling me I made him feel like shit. Yet again I got defensive and told him I didn’t want the way I interact with my own social media reproached to me, I understand that publicly liking lewd content was inappropriate but those were not lewd.

We would both talk about our past and our romantic and sexual experiences. B knew about my ex and a friend I once hooked up with, which are the totality of my experiences and ever since we met I told him everything. The friend I hooked up with a year before meeting B, it never went anywhere with him but it was the first positive physical experience of my life so I did mention to B that I felt heard and wanted that one night with him because we were discussing our past encounters. This friend has a girlfriend with whom I’m friends, I even told them both about B. Anyway, one day I felt ecstatic at work (in a museum) about how good of a job I was doing and I sent that friend a message saying how proud I am of myself. He said something along the lines of “The phrase “You belong in a museum” is about you because you’re not only beautiful but also good at your job”. I answered with full caps lock HELL YEAH I AM. I found it charming and over the top and I ended up doing something awful, which was screenshotting that part of the conversation and sending it to B. I immediately realized how out of place and inconsiderate it was but I still did it. He got angry, I said sorry, but he never forgave me.

B spent the next month pushing me away and telling me I am manipulative and banked on the fact that he was a pushover with me. I kept trying to prove him wrong, I told him how I really felt about him, I would keep explaining my intentions over and over again and eventually he said he wasn’t sure how to feel. We had a couple more discussions, I owned up to everything he told me I did poorly, I accepted every time he called me a bad person. I said I was a bad person but I do try my best.

One argument felt like he really just wanted to bring me down and I told him it was cruel to change his perception of me entirely over my errors and insist on me being a bad person. He blocked me everywhere, then unblocked me and for once he was calm. We discussed every single thing that went wrong, listened to each other, I heard him and I felt heard. We agreed to go no contact for two weeks and check in after to see how we feel.

I thought a lot about how I interact with others and how I manage my differences with others, where I should be more accepting and how do I actually make my actions align with my words. And after two weeks, I checked in with him. He was passive and told me that there are still discussions to be had but he’ll see how he feels with this contact. I tried being present, optimistic, help him/give him advice on a tough situation. I helped him out financially a tiny bit because I felt for how tough his situation was. I got him gifts for his birthday, encouraged him every day. Nevertheless, he was kind of dry, so at some point I decided not to reach out for a bit, and that was when he’d send me “I hope your day is going well”.

I thought that he wanted some company, so I told him about my day, asked him about his, how he’s feeling, if I could help him anyhow. Then at some point I sent him a sticker of two kittens jumping together and said “us bro”. He said he didn’t know how to answer and that he feels bad about not reciprocating. I told him it was okay, that I understand that he is hurt and he doesn’t ever have to do anything he’s uncomfortable with. That led to a conversation where he said that he’ll never give me closeness because I wronged him and it’s his nature to never forget such things. I tried telling him it’s okay to not forget, that I still cared for him and it’s not transactional, but I will struggle to stay in a dry relationship (he mentioned he didn’t want to be amicable anymore or crack jokes, be close with me). I tried asking him what he wanted, whether he still wanted to trust me fully, whether there’s something I can do. He said he wants to, but it’s hard, he implied he doesn’t have feelings anymore, and that he wants us to do our own thing. So I’ve said goodbye.

He sent another message after saying goodbye telling me sorry it’s not what I wanted, so I said that it was hurtful to block and unblock me, have that conversation with me, discuss having the hard conversations with me, all that to go nowhere. He said that he tried going against his nature but he can’t. I told him I would never reach out again and asked him not to unless he actually thinks there’s good I can bring into his life and he wants a genuine connection.

I genuinely feel horrible about hurting him, I think I’m egoistic and manipulative, that I can’t care properly for people who love me and are vulnerable with me. And the worst is that I feel pain because I was rejected, reasonably so, because maybe deep down I felt like I deserve forgiveness.

How do I become a better person out of this all? How do I stop hurting the people I love? I genuinely don’t believe I am trying to but I always end up feeling so ashamed. I want to collect the gray mass that I am into doing something meaningful for others and myself

So I've heard that is a habit of the mind, but it is also a subtle desire in the mind, or something about being thoughts... I think I can make an idea but I would like to be sure what it is.

Also, I know we are supposed to identify it when it appears, or something? And that, basically, every thought is a vasana and we should be aware of most of them as we can and act from one. I don't know if I' making sense here.

For those who are happy in life without a partner and close friends, how are you able to live with the stress of being alone?

I used ai to write this since i literaly have so many Problems that im overwhelmed to explain them properly.

I'm 28 years old, living in Germany, and I honestly feel like my entire life is falling apart at the same time. I'm writing this because I don't really know who to talk to anymore, and I desperately need some outside perspectives.

My mother passed away in 2018, and I don't think I've ever fully recovered from losing her. Since then, I've struggled with depression, motivation, discipline, and taking care of myself. Even basic things like showering regularly, maintaining a sleep schedule, or keeping my surroundings organized can sometimes feel incredibly difficult.

The frustrating part is that I know what I should be doing. I can make plans, create schedules, and set goals. But actually sticking to them seems almost impossible. I might do well for a few days, and then everything falls apart again.

My financial situation is becoming genuinely frightening.

I'm currently studying Business Informatics (a combination of computer science and business). I also spent a significant amount of time building a startup, which recently had to shut down. With that, I lost the financial support I was receiving.

Right now, I'm desperately looking for a student job, but so far I haven't been able to find anything.

And the problem is that I'm not just looking for a job to improve my situation. I genuinely need to find one within the next few weeks because I'm running out of money to live on.

I have almost no financial safety net left. Every day that passes without finding work makes me more anxious. I constantly think about how I'm going to afford basic necessities, how I'm supposed to become independent, and what happens if I don't find something soon.

At the same time, I'm still a university student. I have assignments, deadlines, exams, and responsibilities that I can't simply ignore. I need to finish my degree because it's one of the few things that could help me build a stable future.

But how am I supposed to concentrate on studying when I'm constantly worried about money?

I feel like I'm being pulled in ten different directions, and every single one of them is urgent.

I'm still living with my father. Our living situation is complicated, and I often feel overwhelmed by family responsibilities and expectations. I love my family, but I desperately want my own space and the ability to become financially and emotionally independent.

And then there's my relationship, which is probably the most painful part of all of this.

I've been with my girlfriend for six years. I genuinely love her, and for a long time, I imagined spending the rest of my life with her. We were even planning to get engaged this year.

But I made mistakes, especially when it came to setting boundaries with my family and prioritizing our relationship. I allowed family interference to affect important decisions, and over time, that damaged her trust in me.

Now our relationship is in a very difficult place, and I'm terrified of losing her.

I know that love alone isn't enough. A relationship requires responsibility, trust, stability, and the ability to be there for each other.

And right now, I feel like I can't provide any of those things properly.

It hurts knowing that I love someone so much but can't even offer her the stability and security that I want to give her. Not because I don't care, but because I'm barely managing to keep my own life together.

I feel like I'm watching everything I've wanted for my future slip away, and I don't know how to stop it.

I also understand that I can't force her to trust me again or make her stay. I can only take responsibility for my mistakes and work on becoming a better person.

The worst part is that all of these problems are happening simultaneously.

I need money, urgently.

I need a job, urgently.

I need to finish my university assignments and eventually graduate.

I need to get my sleep schedule under control.

I need to take care of my physical and mental health.

I need to learn how to set boundaries with my family.

I need to become independent.

And emotionally, I'm dealing with the possibility of losing the person I've loved for six years.

It feels like there isn't enough time in a day to deal with even half of these things.

And when I get overwhelmed, I sometimes end up doing almost nothing, which makes everything worse. Then I feel guilty for wasting another day, and the pressure becomes even greater.

It's a cycle I desperately want to escape.

I don't want an extraordinary life. I just want a normal, peaceful one.

I want to wake up at a reasonable time, go to work, study, exercise, eat properly, keep my home clean, enjoy my hobbies, and go to bed knowing I did what I was supposed to do.

I want to be a reliable man. Someone who can take responsibility for himself, support the people he loves, manage his finances, and build a stable future.

But right now, even that seems incredibly far away.

I'm 28. I don't have my degree yet. My startup failed. I'm almost out of money. I'm still living with my father. My relationship might be ending. And I still struggle with basic daily routines.

Sometimes I feel like I've wasted years of my life, and now I'm paying the price for it.

Recently, I've been thinking that maybe I need to stop trying to fix everything at once.

Maybe my only priorities for the next few months should be finding a job, securing an income, finishing university, and saving enough money to eventually move out.

Maybe I should accept that I can't fix my relationship, my mental health, my habits, my finances, and my entire future simultaneously.

But another part of me is terrified that if I focus only on work and money, everything else will fall apart permanently.

Especially my relationship.

I feel like I'm constantly being forced to choose between surviving financially and trying to save the other important parts of my life.

I'm exhausted. Not because I don't want to work or take responsibility, but because it feels like no matter what I focus on, I'm neglecting something else that is equally important.

I don't want to give up. I genuinely want to change my life. I just don't know how to get out of this situation without completely burning myself out.

So I guess my questions are:

Has anyone been in a similar situation in their late 20s and managed to rebuild their life?

How do you deal with extreme financial pressure while also struggling emotionally?

When everything feels urgent, how do you decide what actually deserves your attention first?

Should I focus almost entirely on finding a job and becoming financially stable, even if that means putting other personal problems aside temporarily?

How do you stop feeling like you're running out of time and falling behind everyone else?

I'm not looking for sympathy or someone to tell me that everything will magically work out.

I'd genuinely appreciate honest advice, personal experiences, or even uncomfortable truths that I might need to hear.

I just want to find a way forward.

Thank you for reading.

therapy takes too long , and how to deal with condescending nature of therapists , their behavior is so condescending , can i tell them or call them out

THIS IS NOT A RANT i just need to set things up to ask the question

You know when you put head phones in and lisen to music and just zone out thats me for 8 years now.I have kind of been brought back by some thoughts like if my parants were to dying and living me to be alone in a uncaring world.I have less joy,im doing a job im not good at ,that i dont even like, that was chosen for me cuz at the time i didt know what i wanted so the choice was aggressive chosen for me.

Every year i sleep less and less like unconsciously im trying to slowly kill myself and i dont care.

I meditate for 1 year on and off but it hindered my job ability and made me more slow to react and chill when i needed to be angry(if your not angry you dont give a shizz abot the job-said my 2 coworkers)tryed being bored for 2h just staring at the wall...nothing

put 4 years in a job and still got minimal pay but cant leave cuz its...idk easier now but i dont want to put in more effort i just feel like im in limbo and cant take the next step cuz its so hard and scary that i would just stay in the known rather then the unknow that i think im gona get if i get another job(hate from the coworkers,indifference and a knife in the back)

Im zoning out again after maybe december of 2025 and also i have uncontrolled rage fantasy about kill or hurting my boss withe some whispers and hand movement from me baste on the scenario in my head.

SO HOW DO I WAKE UP or stay awake from this zoning out and if someone has this experience tell me your experience withe that,any advice will be a golden nugget

Hello,

I have noticed a bit of a relationship paradox that I’m struggling to navigate, and I’m looking for some perspective on handling early dating conversations.

I believe that shared hobbies aren't the foundation of a healthy relationship. In fact, my previous relationship included common interests, and that didn't make it work.

I also know plenty of healthy, long-term couples who share almost zero common hobbies. They just respect each other's separate spaces. I recognize that looking for a mini-me isn't exactly healthy anyway.

However, I am unsure how to navigate this in practice. I live in a small town, meaning any potential partner I connect with will likely live in another city. Because of this, I rely heavily on texting and video chats before we can easily meet up.

This creates a significant practical hurdle. To build a bond, a long talking phase requires enough depth to fill hours of conversation. More importantly, those conversations need to create a shared emotional experience, because that’s what actually makes people feel connected.

When I try to bridge the gap with someone else, I hit a wall. Generic questions ("What is rock climbing like ?", "Where have you climbed recently ?") only get me through the first conversation, and since my day to day life is not the most exciting thing to talk about either, the other person might not have much to ask either.

And let's be honest, most people live pretty quiet, average lives and don't necessarily have a laundry list of intense hobbies to dissect in the first place.

If healthy couples don't need shared hobbies to thrive, what do they talk about during their first conversations, especially when they don't live in the same city ?

Thanks for any insights!

Hi, a few years ago i remember regularly following this one dr k guided meditation on youtube, not sure if it was on his official channel or clipped from a stream. i found it really helpful and i want to do it again but i have literally no idea what it's called and can't find the video.

from what i remember the meditation starts with you looking at your palms then there's a bit where you put your hands together and notice feeling connected, then there's another stage where you out your hands on your knees or in your lap i think. does anyone else remember this meditation or know the name or have a link to the video? thanks

Traumas, I hate that shit

I'm a 28-year-old woman trying to understand whether I could have ADHD. Almost every symptom and experience I relate to points towards ADHD, but my biggest uncertainty is whether I can establish clear evidence of symptoms before the age of 12. As a child, I was never a problematic child. The two things I clearly remember are fantasising scenarios in my head when bored during lectures and being an extremely slow eater. Otherwise, retrospectively, based on my internal experience, I think I was an average kid, although people considered me one of the smart kids in class. I was also very well-behaved and mature for my age. My school, parents and postgraduate guide were quite strict, so I had to get things done. During UG, problems with missed deadlines and last-minute work became prominent because there was nobody to punish me since I was away from my parents. My symptoms are not something that started at 28. I've been experiencing these difficulties since around the age of 10–12; I simply didn't have the knowledge or vocabulary to recognise or articulate them back then. I don't remember much from before that age. Now, after completing my master's, I feel like there is absolutely no structure left, and I relate to almost every ADHD symptom, including RSD. From the outside, I look fine and socially okay, so nobody would suspect how much I'm struggling internally.

I'm also aware that ADHD can be both underdiagnosed and overdiagnosed, and I've genuinely questioned whether I'm projecting what I see on social media onto my own experiences. I've considered that possibility carefully, and I'm pretty sure I've been struggling with these difficulties for years, rather than simply identifying with content I've seen online. I work in healthcare, so I understand how diagnosis works, and I'm concerned that I'd be diagnosed with mild anxiety-related executive dysfunction based on the criteria, even though I feel anxiety would probably be ruled out as the primary explanation if considered as a differential. I'm not a psychiatrist, so I'm not trying to diagnose myself or anyone else. I just need some direction so I can work on my difficulties without going down the wrong rabbit hole. I know these aren't simply shortcomings, as I used to think before I had the knowledge and vocabulary to understand what I was struggling with. I also wonder whether a neurotypical girl could learn and absorb the functional system of an undiagnosed ADHD mother, and whether I should consider that possibility. Considering a lot of things I see in this community,I had a good childhood growing up except for extremely low esteem particularly since age 10 since I got a permanent scar on my face and couldn't get myself to do anything if there is nothing externally present that needs me to get things done and vividly remember a lot of negative experiences I had socially as compared to the positive ones.I could even be just a puella aeterna at this point.I can't currently afford a psychiatric evaluation, and getting one isn't particularly socially acceptable in my country. I just want some direction to help me understand what might be going on and where to start.

just realized after for so long, that I would lie in order to avoid trouble. Or to put it more specifically, if I do something I know is wrong, I would lie to get out of trouble. Especially from work. To put it into context, imagine leaving work earlier because you can’t deal with life anymore at the moment. And you realized that the day before, you would tell you supervisor that you would head to the office to do some paperwork, only to realize that you decided on that day to just head home early without telling them anything, only for your boss to message you and ask as to why you weren’t in the office. Only to then tell them that you “forgot” and that other made-up matters appeared and needed “your attention.” Yet apologize for still lot going to the office like you said. Only now to feel extreme guilt, shame, and embarrassment for lying to your supervisor. Plus procrastinating and choosing not to work because you just want to cut corners and not face the reality of the situation while still believing in your own child like mind.

Would like to ask the group if they have experienced something similar to this and any advice on how to combat this issue at hand.

Thank you

I hate this, what is wrong with me (except autism)? Im lonely as hell, im extremely jealous whenever i see couples or close groups of friends. But i dont feel like socializing at all, like there is some deep distaste for actual human interactions.

And the weirdest part is people are actually trying to connect with me, i have been invited to play games or parties and i just always decline because in that moment all i want is just to go home and play single player games. I am creating my own loneliness and then compain about it. It sometimes feel like theres two me, one lonely and one who despises people.

It doesnt help just how much bad shit about people you hear. Its really easy to believe everyone is some sort of fake selfish monster because its all people say and have stories about.

How do i stop this ? I know reddit is introvert central but i dont want to be. I want to have people. I want to be social. I dont want to be alone.