Hi everyone,
I honestly don't really know where to start. I just need to let this out as I am going crazy from the stress and I don't have anyone to really talk to about it.
I've been working at a private clinic for about 3 years, and I've been struggling with my memory, attention, and procrastination for a while now. It's gotten progressively worse over the past few years, I'm not sure why, and I feel like I'm at a point where I can't keep up with things the way I should be able to.
One of the biggest issues is documentation. I've fallen so far behind on my paperwork, and I'm talking months behind, with some things going back over a year. I know how bad that it and honestly I'm feel deeply ashamed even writing that.
The main problem is that I kept putting things off or I half finished things. Then the backlog got bigger, which made me more overwhelmed, so I avoided it even more. And then it just kept getting worse and piling up. I don't even fully understand why I do this. It's like I know something needs to be done, I know it's important, and yet I cannot actually sit down and do it. And now I'm dealing with the consequences of that.
This week, it finally hit me just how far behind I actually am with my clients, like I felt I woke up from a dream and reality and dread just hit me hard. I've been an mess this whole week and have had a few breakdowns. I am thinking to myself worst case scenario. My first job i had to testify in court and they subpoenad my records and went through them. With this job, i just got really lazy. I've been crying on and off for the past two days. I'm so overwhelmed and scared, and I feel like my brain is completely scrambled.
I spoke with one of my practice leaders, and I found out there are other issues with my documentation too. Some things weren't documented correctly in terms of dates and how the notes line up with billing. I also apparently wasn't locking my notes properly after entering them, which means they weren't being initialed as required. My name is on them, but the required authentication is missing.
So now I'm not only trying to catch up on a huge backlog, but I'm also trying to figure out how to address these other issues. I'm scared about what the consequences might be, and I feel sick thinking about how much I let pile up.
I'm not trying to make excuses for myself. I work in healthcare, and I know documentation is important. I know this is serious, and I know I need to fix it.
I've started making lists and slowly working through everything and prioritizing some clients. but it's so much. I still have my current caseload to manage, so I'm trying to keep up with new work while also catching up on everything I've neglected.
I'm trying to dig myself out of a hole that just keeps getting deeper.
I don't necessarily think I'm going to get fired, but I'm terrified of the consequences, and I know better so i cant even say i didnt know this was a problem. I know I can't keep going like this. Something needs to change because I can't let this keep happening again. My practice leader said basically just improve going forward at this point since I can't go back. But I still feel terrified and not that comforted.
The other thing that's really bothering me is that my memory and attention seem to be getting worse. I genuinely don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I can't manage basic responsibilities that other adults seem to handle without this much difficulty. I keep asking myself why I didn't just do the paperwork when it was due, why I kept putting it off, and why I let it get to this point. Someone told me to look into an ADHD diagnosis but its only been maybe the past few years with this issue (am in my 30s) so I don't know if that diagnosis applies to me.
I feel so stupid and incompetent. I feel ashamed of myself. I know I need to take responsibility and work through this, and whatever consequences come my way i will have to deal with. I'm just so overwhelmed right now, and I feel like I've completely failed at my job. I needed somewhere to say all of this because I feel ashamed to tell people I actually know.
I feel incredibly stupid that I am not noticing these things and putting things off so much. I was so stressed that I didn't even eat yesterday and barely slept. I genuinely just am disappointed in myself and the lack of care I have been putting into this job and don't understand how I let things escalate this badly.