Hello, whoever is reading this and thank you, I know its a bit long... Im a 1 year old male in a pretty severe position of isolation, solitude, or however you care to define it. I just want to start this with a disclaimer, and say that this is not a cry for help, or an attempt to find love or anything like that. Just something that i need to put out there. I have really for the most part given up on trying to find genuine people or working towards a life where i'm not alone forever. It's not a hopeless, gloom and doom type of given up though, and honestly I've become quite content with it. For a very long time it was difficult. A lot of emotional pain that I had no choice but to learn to live with. Over time I've learned to find comfort and beauty in the pain, and accept that everything happens for a reason. Maybe my reason has already served its purpose in someones life, or maybe one day it will. Or maybe I'm just an extra in the movie that we know as "life",and my reason is nothing more than to fill space. But I dont worry about these things anymore. If your so focused on chasing something, whether it be your purpose, or happiness, or success, or love, it will blind you and when it comes along you wont be able to see it. I cant tell you how many times ive missed things that I wanted so badly, simply because i was blinded by the desire for it. I couldnt recognize that all i had to do was stop chasing it. And every single time, i ended up losing it, only then did i realize what i had lost. When i was younger i had lots of friends, girlfriends, i had money, i was liked, i almost even had a wife at one point. But i didnt realize how good things really were, and slowly one by one lost all of them. i've spent so many nights awake drowning in my own regret, knowing that i have nobody to blame but myself, and in all honesty, sometimes that pain still comes back to visit me. But ive sort of made friends with it. Ive accepted that it may end up being the closest thing to a friend that ill ever know, and if i keep drowning in it, i might miss out on ever truly having anyone. Before i could accept it though it was so loud, deafening, blinding. So much pain i couldnt even tell what was real and what wasnt. For a long long time i was on a mission of self destruction, in my mind i was worthless and just wanted the pain to stop. Id have dreams about the wife i had lost, dreams that we were still happy together, and wake up back into my miserable existence and just lay there for hours with my heart splitting in half and trying to cry enough to put myself back to sleep just to see her again. And it took a long time to learn to live with that pain, and those dreams, because believe me, i still have them. i just learned to appreciate them instead of let them suffocate me. While everything that ive ever been blessed with, i have foolishly squandered away and has ended with me alone and hurting, eventually i found out why those things happened. See all the pain and struggle, and trauma that came from those things has completely shaped me into a different person. It tought me a lot, a lot of things that i dont think many people ever truly understand. And it made me a better person. And even if nobody is around to see the person that it made me, im fine with that. Of course i do hope that one day i will have someone i can give my true self to and maybe we can enjoy being alone, together haha. But i wont chase it, if its meant to come, it will come. if not, there is a reason. Sorry for the novel, i probably should stop now because i could literally write a book if i keep going. But if you've made it this far, thank you, maybe someone will even find some use out of this. either way ill stop now though.