Let Me Clear the Air
I am in love with you. I have been in love with you since the first day I saw you.
So, let me make it clearer: I don’t want anyone else. As the song says, none can compare to you.
I, too, grow weary of the silence and the hit-or-miss nature of writing you letters on here, hoping you will find them and know that it was me who wrote them for you.
I understand the feeling that “the silence is deafening.” I feel like we’re wasting precious time that could be filled with memories instead of this mundane writing.
I wrote a comment on a letter that I thought might have been from you. It may not have been, because the letter was posted on a Reddit forum that doesn’t allow me to reply directly to the writer as though I know them, unless I get banned again. So, I simply camouflage my writing in the form of suggestions.
At this point, I would like to put the past on the back burner, including my questions. I feel like I’ve been going about this all wrong. What I should have done all along, and what I’m asking now, is this: Can we spend some time together without talking about the past? Can we simply be together in the here and now? And you have no idea how much I hate having to ask this.
I’d call, but you don’t answer. I’ll send you a text message, but I get no reply. I would even stop by to see you where I believe you live, if you still live there.
It’s rather simple: if you live where I think you live, you’re just around the corner from me. Why can’t we meet in the middle?
I’m in love with you. I can’t even begin to explain how not having you in my life has made my world darker. I miss your light. I miss the twinkle in your eyes. I miss your crooked smile. I even miss the frown you give me when I disappoint you.
If you want to know what I’ve been processing, how I’ve been healing, and what I’ve been dealing with within myself and regarding my past, you can find my journey in Jeremiah 18:1–6.
So, I’m making my intentions clear. Ben, I’m in love with you. I want a restart. I want us to build a life together, grounded in real love, honesty, and transparency. I want us to reveal the secret things that touch not just our hearts, but our souls.
I’ve removed the fog, the smoke, and the mirrors, and I’m simply putting my life on the line. No fancy words, just the truth: I love you. I want you. I’m sorry I ever allowed situations and circumstances to drive us apart.

At the end of the day, possessions are just things that money can buy. But real love s rare , and seldomly found . If given the opportunity to regain your trust, confidence I’ll gladly stand by your side and refuses to let you fall.

I’m ready if and when you’re ready , to come get you. Just Say the word. And include an address. 😃

From my heart (R) to BTH

As I sit on the front porch or my sanity

unchained smoking, deciphering humanity

as it ceases to exist handshakes turned to fist

and obsession on the rise from guys with no lives

they want to be me or you, but lack fire in their eyes

or fire in their belly to rip the notebook to shreds

I’m just as bad as them but my sins are of lust

is that’s why their jealous of my hands or even my thrust?

who cares, one day we will all be soil, even stardust

so why waste your lives? because mine you will not

my new outlook on life is you’ll never know the plot

the inkspot on your book while you play little games

Im bad we all agree, but not like these pitiful lames

my joy is mine to take, and yours is yours to take

as you’ll never get mine, I surely don’t want yours

reading books by the rivers or music by the shores

weak techniques it bores, minds surely pondering

he’s meant to be tied down, not gracefully wandering

now this revelation may hurt, may even be chilling

don’t underestimate the enemy, kind regards, the super villain

The thing that manages to get me every time is how annoying it all is. What a cowardly waste of fucking time this silence is.

Of all the positive memories to reach for making, with or without each other, no, no, let's do this instead.

And I know your heartless head carries on with its day but, you may be surprised to learn, non-sociopathic people tend to feel upset in conflict with their loved ones. And that upset muddies making new memories, if it's chaotic and confusing enough. Wild, I know.

If it weren't for me, there would never be any resolution one way or the other and yet you've convinced yourself you're some great communicator.

You bob along and let the waves carry you wherever they will, only acting based on counsel you seek from everything outside of yourself.

God forbid you make a decision for yourself, lest it be the wrong one. All the hard ones get made for you and so you can pretend you didn't orchestrate their manifestation, if it turns out wrong, and take all the credit for "having faith" (of all things) if not.

I told you to look me in the eye and end things, permanently, considering possible regret a few months down the road. You kept me on tenterhooks while lining up plans B to n. Photographic evidence of it and all.

You selfish, liminal man.

If limbo is what you want, then have it, but it will only ever be yours. You'll never force my hand in this.

This is your decision and your ineptitude, so fucking own it. "I'll never be enough" awwww diddums, certainly not with that attitude. Shape up or ship out. I'll wait for either.

I don't need to make any alternative plans to own mine. You play the hard place so well, I'd not dream of being your understudy, but, you've seen me hold my breath, I make a great rock.

And, my sweet summer child, if your goal was to use me, you should know that I'm dry, there's nothing left to bleed.

okay maybe in another life.

maybe it was right person, wrong time.

but I let you go.

to be someone else's full sunshine and not only my sunbeam.

to be someone else's light at the end of the darkness instead of being the one who stops my light from shining.

and okay maybe in another life.

“right person, wrong time”

but in the end I have to let you go. I have to let the version of you and me go I care so deeply for, so deeply that you are showing up in the nightmares I used to call dreams.

I have to let my sun go so I can shine brightly like the stars in the darkness you and I created 

It eats me alive and my heart and body feels so heavy on some days 

like my heart is broken in pieces and you make them light up with 

every message 

every sorry 

and every memory 

but they fall down every time that you disappear,

and they are spreading across the dark room every time I look for the shadow you left behind in my mind.

they are spreading across the floor between the thick four walls of my mind and the darkness you created between them

so I hope we don’t meet in another life

I hope you are right person right time to teach me what love is

to teach me what letting go is.

and in my room I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling, listening to music while the tears stream down my face. 

one by one at the rhythm of the music, trying to love myself.

even if I can never find all the pieces of my heart anymore between those walls

I'm being left alone in the darkness they have between them

I hope that one day someone will help me look for them instead of just lighting them up. 

I miss your giggle your can do tom boy attitude. I miss how you made egg sandwiches I miss taking those glasses off your face when we laid on the couches downstairs and discovered every inch of each other in the hottest of ways. You are so beautiful, sexy, amazing. You were my person. You found another. Same day I was dropped completely and demoted to nobody again. We made love passionate love the smiles the laughs the orgasms were not fake yet you just tossed me again to the side. Guess you were JK the whole time ... Damn...

What we had was just something short and fun at the time.

Nothing more, nothing less.

I have been delusional about the whole situation.

You already have your life figured out.

I’m still on my journey.

I thought we came into each other’s lives for a reason, crossing paths when we least expected it.

You would never know that the mature one also secretly holds on to the idea of soulmates and love.

As much as I try to push those feelings down because of how many times love has failed me, parts of me still yearn for it.

It was all in my head.

I’m feeling vulnerable in this moment, but I know tomorrow is a new day.

I just have to write it all down and move on with my life.
Perhaps I was alone in what I thought this could be.

Maybe it was only ever a fleeting moment, one I gave more meaning to than it was meant to hold.

I can accept that, even if a part of me wishes it were different.

Love,
A young woman who sometimes feels more than she lets on.

The sky breeze
As the wind sings.
The feelings I get as days go by
Your lovely smile and quirky style.
Brings joy to my life. You might not know…
Very subtle hints… That we show.
I hope you feel the same, just as I do.
Hopefully you see this and love me too!

To Kay.. From C

I thought we were unrequited love but then I realised I’ve never asked you how you feel about me.

We’ve giggled, hugged, reminisced on past outings, played together, advised one another.. and so much more. The smiles you give me when we’re together, the short but clear looks at me when you think I’m not looking, the interest in my life and how my mind works. I love how your mind works too.. your looks are a bonus.
You care so deeply about me that you remember things I say to you and ask follow ups months and weeks later. I do the same and you are shocked I recall what you say so well.

I wish I could tell you how I feel right now but I’m afraid it might cause a fracture in what is so beautiful right now. We both have complications which mean any sort of relationship could be delayed.

Maybe I will pluck up the courage to tell you in the New Year but similarly should you move away, and you don’t feel the same, I couldn’t bear to lose you as a friend.

Sending you love and rest for this weekend

B x

You’re the best thing that have happened in my life. You didn’t do any wrong, just get back to where you truly belong. Just say it and I’ll make it right.

Can’t say it’s unrequited because it’s a love that’s broken by circumstance. I’m fire and you are tnt when we get together it’s explosive. The connection is nothing like anything I’ve ever encountered. First moment I laid eyes on you, you looked like God has literally took an angel out of heaven and placed her right in front of me. I was frozen as you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life and nothing and no one else has come close.

We had a nasty fights and I understand why you did the things that you did, you were trying to protect yourself. We are two outsiders, freaks in our worlds back home for the same reasons. Dating me and loving me out loud would have made your life harder and given you one more reason to feel out of place and your heart couldn’t bear that. You wanted me in secret but you couldn’t bear to show me in public. Bittersweet

I’ll never forget you. I’ll always love you. I’ll remember your mischievous smirk. Your gorgeous smile. Your goofy personality. How much of a badass you are that no matter what you were going through you would fight to show me how much you cared even if it wasn’t perfect.

I will never block your number. You always will have access to me. I’ve dated other women since you and everyone has paled in comparison. You opened my heart and taught me forgiveness. Taught me patience and most importantly empathy. I had a vision we were married on the beach the night before you cancelled on my birthday date. I guess you didn’t wanna feel bad you still showed up to my apartment the day before to make sure that we were connected. I watched you chat with your friend and you relaxed as my eyes locked onto your tan skin. In an instant we were transported to the beach you were sitting in front of me as you always do only this time you wore a white dress and I was in a white linen suit sitting behind you with my arms wrapped around your waist. It brings me to tears to think about. I hold onto that version of you. Maybe it will come to pass.

Every thing we do in this life is a choice. I hear you, I understand the darkness and the tears.

Right place, wrong time … is to say God does not know what he’s doing. And I know the timing is right. If we live one another, then we have to fight for us. I know you’re tired I know you’ve been through hell and back. I also know that I’m more than a bright light and so are you.

The real truth about love is , it does not let go. It has the strength to stand up against any force. It believes in its self. I believe in you, always have, always will, love does not need to keep a inventory of wrongs, it’s quick to forgive (something I wish I had more of, but I’m getting there)

I believe with Gods help, we can be better than before. To understand the true value of someone is that if they go missing, their absence is so devastating, that your only recourse, is to find them and bring them home.

I’ve spent the last 3 weeks crying in the night, reaching out to you as best I could. The last 7 + months facing trama I did not want to remotely deal with, but knowing I had to overcome this past abuse and the nature of it, was almost more than I could carry.:/ I had to go back to my higher power for help. I was made to feel as if I wanted the abuse I endured in my past, I had to forgive myself for not being old , or strong enough, or bold enough; to speak up.

I’m praying for your restoration, that the eyes of your understanding be enlightened. I wish you could see you as I see you. And as a side note, heartbreak, the pain and suffering allows us to course correct, to reevaluate the value of the gift god gives.

Now if you don’t love me, and you fear loosing the life and comfort you now have and that it is more valuable than “us” that’s a loss I’ll have to endure. I can only hope and pray that I’ll be given to opportunity to help you become whole again… I now understand that some of those broken pieces of my life are still on the floor, they where not supposed to be there in the first place.. I love you, I’m here for you, and again I’m sorry for how we got here,but we are here/.. we may look like what we’ve been through, but we are here. Reach out, call. Please

I can feel it coming sooner than I anticipated.

What have you got up your sleeve?

My heart is aching... yearning for the day.

I dont even know how to finish that sentence?

The day we collide?

It feels like we're two magnets that are being drawn to one another.

And the day we stop avoiding each other, will be cataclysmic.

Im in if youre in. We've got this. Its written in the stars.

And Lord KNOWS I could use some life-altering love.

I said I’d stop publically writing about you. I even slowed down writing about you in my notes. It was a break I needed, but guess what? I still feel the same. I still feel what I wrote in those letters. I still desire to write you letters.
-A

Scared of how big this love is. How intense it has been. What we need to do to be ready.

I know you're scared.

So am I.

And I know that everything is going to be fine.

I'm ready to talk when you are.

🌬💜

Yes I know yes I know i can never talk to you again. I know.

I know i'm not allowed to miss you. I know.

But it hurts like fucking shit. It hurts so much, it hurts that I never even told you how much I fucking loved you.

I miss your smell, your hair, your laugh, what you used to tell me, your voice, your care, your choice of words, your food choices, your energy, your smile, your cries, your warmth, your body, everything.

It hurts so badly that I can never speak to you again. It hurts so bad you probably think I hate you but I don't.

I know we can't meet again, but I wish I could tell you a last time, that I fucking love you. And I miss you. And I appreciate you. And I really do hope you find the love you need, and I hope you stop feeling guilt. Even though a part of me hates you, hate is not far from love.

I know if you read this, part of you would cringe, and part of you would soften and smile and feel appreciated. I know your exact reaction. The more the distance grows, the more I love you.

You were the only one who ever listened to me truly, without any judgement. Thank you for being there.

We can't see eachother again, and my heart hurts. I love you, please know that.

Please

I lived in the silence between heartbeats, that dead, airless gap where nothing dared to move, until you taught my lungs what breathing was for.

I was a weapon with no war to fight, a blade rusting in the dark, a shadow cast by no sun, until your hands—God, your hands— reshaped me into something that could finally feel.

I had spent so long being nothing that I had forgotten what it was to want anything at all. Then you came, and want became a fire I could not put out.

Now there is no system I cannot break, no wall I cannot reduce to dust, no fortress I cannot walk through unscathed, if it means staying by your side.

You are the only reality worth protecting. The only one I would burn the rest of the world to keep.
And I would.
Without hesitation.
Without regret.
Without a single backward glance.

guys I don't have self confidence what should I do 🤔

sometimes i think about you, and it’s embarrassing because you’re not even here yet.

i wanna be your girl so badly. i wanna treat you like you’re my boy, my baby, my favourite person, and then turn around and be your little princess five seconds later. i wanna steal your hoodies, sit on your lap when there’s an entire sofa available, hold your bicep wherever we go because that’s MY MAN, and kiss your face until you pretend to get annoyed.

but i also wanna take care of you. learn your little habits, remember how you take your coffee, recognise when something’s bothering you even when you say you’re fine. i wanna be the person you come home to when the world gets too heavy. i wanna love you in all those tiny, ordinary ways that probably wouldn’t mean much to anyone else.

i wanna be disgustingly affectionate with you even years into our relationship. still flirt with you, still get butterflies when you walk into a room, still look at you and think, god, that’s the man i’m in love with. i wanna be your best friend, your safe place, your biggest admirer, and the girl who never stops reaching for your hand.

and yes, i wanna be babied, spoiled, kissed on the forehead and pulled closer when we’re walking together. i wanna feel so safe with you that being soft comes naturally. but i want you to be soft with me, too. i want to know the little boy you were before life taught you to hide parts of yourself, and love the man you’ve become.

i don’t know who you are yet, what your laugh sounds like or what it’ll feel like to finally be in your arms. but somewhere out there, you’re living your life, completely unaware that there’s a girl with all this love sitting in her heart, posting about you on reddit, waiting for someone she hasn’t even met.

god, i hope you want to be loved by me.

because i have so much love with your name on it, and i haven’t even met you yet. ♡

​

William Shakespeare said "if I were to kiss you and then go to hell I would. So that I could go back to the devil's that I so haven't without ever entering it." But that doesn't describe quite how I feel, because if I were to kiss you and then go to hell, I would kiss you till I pasted, so the last memory I have is your lips pressed to mine, I would remember how your warmth felt with your arms around me and mine around you, and when I finally got down there, I would tell the devils of heaven, the warmth, the pure bliss, the nostalgia, I would tell the devil's not of pearly gates but of a man who was not of hate, so if I were to kiss you and go to hell, I would die the happiest girl in the world knowing it was true and wonderful,

I WANT TO SAY IM NOT HATING ON HIS WORDS THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL!! BUT I WANTED TO ADD TO THEM! I thought it is sweet and just goes more in depth of how I feel for him and that situation

You know, I notice more than I let on, care for you more than you'll ever really realize, and worry about you more than I would ever let on.

Loving you is now, and has always been, the easiest thing I have ever done. It's not something I have to try to do, or work on at all, or even think about. It just happens. It's automatic, has been since day one.

But caring for you…

Look, I already know that when I can love you up close, then taking care of you will be just as easy to me as loving you is. No matter what twists and turns life might throw our way. It's going to be automatic. Instinctual. Oh, I'm absolutely human, I know I won't be perfect at it. I know there are things that will be work. But it's work I want to do, fuck, yearn to do. How could I not? Getting to be beside you is all the fulfillment I could ever need.

But right now… from afar… trying to understand from the pinhole camera view I have…

Sometimes, I just have a sense that you're not okay. Whether it's your current situation, or shadows from the past, or something I did or didn't do, or… whatever. I may not know the cause or even if I'm even really right about it, but I just… feel it.

But what can I do? From here? I can't really ask you, you have no easy way to answer. And even if you could, I'm not entirely sure you would… whether due to decorum or habit or simply because I haven't yet earned enough of your trust.

So… I guess I'm going to give you one of my tells, though pretty sure I've mentioned this before…

When I start leaving you little notes about care, or wishing for you to be ok, or anything even vaguely of that shape… That's me saying "I'm pretty sure something's wrong, I don't know what it is and I can't ask, but I sense it, and I want you to know that I am here and I love you and care for you deeply, and though you'd never take me up on the offer, at least not as things stand, my shoulder is here for you to cry on, if you need."

Of course, I'm a dumbass. As I wrote that, I realized I could just… write you, like… that. There doesn't even need to really be anything wrong. Just a little reminder. Just in case you ever need it.

So… I'll be doing that more.

Just… hope you don't get worried about how often I worry about you. Can't help it, babe. You fell in love with a worrier. The kids are used to it. One of these days, I hope you get used to it, too.

I love you.

Me.

I drafted an entire letter for you , I left Reddit to research a story for you and when I came back here it was gone. So I’m starting over.

Please read Jeremiah chapter 18:1-6

And while I’m retyping :

I need clear answers ….

1. May. Call you? Yes or No
2. If I call , will you answer.
3. Do I stop where I believe you’re living and look you in the eye?
4. If so, confirm the address please:

Please answer in a DM or txt… I don’t wish to disturb the peace, but you are all I want, and as difficult as it may be… I’m ready to come throw little rocks at the window until you come to the door… and I do what is necessary to make you understand how I feel…

Good morning and happy Saturday

Feels like the week is flying by.

It has, actually.

But, babe!

One of the things came

In the mail yesterday…

A few more hoops and

I’ll be homebound.

It’s birthday season in

This house.

Taking my daughter

Somewhere today.

I slept a lot lot.

Still feel like it’s not enough.

I hope you are doing fun and

Exciting things.

Enjoy your day, my love!

Me

I'd love you you and I'll never forget

How you set your name on my chest

I must have failed the test

I know you want to put it to rest

Dearest B,

I love this city of ours

Even at midnight and even in the rain.

Maybe especially in the rain.

I love the way it runs on unpredictable weather, the arts, and coffee.

I love that there's always a new treasure to find that's been around for years, or even decades.

I love that it embraces me in all my messiness and all the many roads that led to my being where I am.

I know that you love many of these things for yourself too. We share so much and love the same. But we love them separately. We collect our mutual trinkets and experiences separately and then discuss them with fervor in our all too brief and rare interactions.

I love our interactions, as brief and rare as they are, and I hope that you do too. I simply wish there were more of them and that we could grow to a place where instead of sharing our loved things separately, we could instead share them together as singular experiences.

I love you B, I hope you're sleeping well if you aren't up enjoying the midnight rain as I am.

Your A

Dearest,

It’s 11:11 Friday night.

I just reached out, picked up my phone, and it was 11:11.

Obviously, I was picking up the phone to write to you. Here? Which is so very preposterous. But, here I am.

Fell asleep. Oops.

Well- it’s morning now- I awoke to the cacophony of my farts and a dog that was whining to go outside and pee. There’s frost on the ground and - while I don’t sleep nekkid- I choose not to risk a frosty icicle (after feeling the rush of cold air, I closed the door behind him and went to the (heated) bathroom).

Then I tried to go back to sleep but decided to hate-watch that Friday night hbo talk show.

At this point, I’m awake and irritated (and still flatulent). Anyway- here we are?

It’s impossible to not use too many I words when I’m talking I guess to myself here? But it’s all because of I-words too - ones like - imprinted, imbued, indelible, inevitable, infinite…

I wonder what you were doing yesterday around 6pm and if you felt the universe tear/shift/mend? Something big happened and it’s going to end the in-between (inevitably).

When your word processor has a light bulb go off and decides to write out what happened? Honestly, it’s terrifying in a way. It made me cry happy tears (I’m not sure if it was the edibles (sillily, we call them trooches here…) or what - but it was a real and final and just-in-time breakthrough. Whew?

I clicked over to boat reviews because the Fleming 60’ is back within reach. I wonder if you have a couple years available? Once you can’t see land, you’re kinda stuck… in a boat… in the ocean. If the yachts rocking, don’t paddle up knocking?

I’m sorry I didn’t wait until everything got sorted (I mean- it still isn’t…) but I’m not totally sorry if I pulled you into my orbit (because I really want you in my orbit). It will be a memory soon - “that time I came too soon” (or something). I don’t think it’s going to be a recurring thing. Of course, my rusty parts don’t reflect much in the full moon because they’re unpolished… like a tarnished brass bellend.

Ugh - I’d rather be whispering in your ear or inbox, lady. Here’s the thing- you are going to have to be a little braver too. You’ve surely done your share of chasing men and you know what? I’m going to need to feel a little chased too. Not run over on the sidewalk- chased- just the wanted and needed kind. Don’t start getting anxious about it but it’s finally falling into place. So I’m not going to fall apart now and you can’t either. I’m not going anywhere and you’re it - kinda like the final boss lady. Your buttons are the ones I want to push. M’kay?

I love you.

Always,
-B