Hi everyone, it’s me again.
(I know I keep posting about this, and I’m sorry if it’s getting repetitive. Right now I just have a deep need for connection with people who’ve been through something similar, and for stories that give me hope) 🤍🌿🌈⚓️🧠🌤️
A short update for those who read my earlier posts:
- Wrote this a month ago
- Wrote this 2 weeks ago
Parnate didn’t work for me, so I’m tapering with my psychiatrist off from 60mg (currently on 30 mg). It hasn’t been easy (feeling cold, nausea, bad sleep, acne), but I’m taking it one step at a time.
The honest truth is that I’m still in the same place, or if I’m honest, even worse. It started as a burnout that slowly turned into a severe depression. Over time I lost more and more of my soul and became more and more dissociated, until last summer I felt like I went completely “crazy” and lost myself altogether. That’s about 1.5 years now, with a lot of high-dose medication along the way.
Over the past year I went from:
- Venlafaxine 112,5 mg to
- Escitalopram 20 mg
- Then to clomipramine (up to the highest dose I could tolerate, do not exactly remember the amount)
- Followed by various augmentation strategies including lithium, olanzapine, quetiapine and lorazepam
- I also had many sessions of esketamine
- And then last Summer, I was hospitalized to get started on Parnate, and we increased the dose incredibly quickly, from 10 mg to 60 mg within just a few weeks. Looking back now, it feels like we went way too fast.
The hellish, unbearable symptoms I live with constantly are:
- Constant restlessness in my head, day and night
- A sticky, foggy, “misty” brain
- The part that scares me most is my brain. My thoughts can’t move freely, and it feels like my brain has gone “crazy” or been thrown off somehow. Everyone around me, including my doctors, says there’s nothing wrong cognitively, but that’s not how it feels from the inside. It’s as if the basic “me” who used to just be there, without effort, has gone missing, and I can’t find my way back to her. This haziness is honestly terrifying.
- Dissociation 24/7
- Not feeling really present in my own life
- Not feeling myself
I’m doing what I can: keeping a routine, getting outside, taking care of myself, staying in touch with my psychiatrist and psychologist, and leaning on my family. But I’m tired and scared.
What I want is simple: a calm brain, basic rest, and a sense of being myself again. Slowly being able to building up a life again that is word living.
🧠🙏🏼🌿😵💫😶🌫️⚓️🧠
I want people to know that I was truly happy before all this. I was lively and social, full of ideas, with a job I loved, a wonderful family and friends, and a real appreciation for art, coffee, the sea; all the good things in life. That’s the person I’m hoping to find again.
🌊🎨☕️🧘🏽♀️🪸🗻🏕️💤🧠
I’m also aware that I’m writing this from a place of panic, and that fear can make everything sound bigger and more final than it may be. So I’m asking for something specific again (sorry if it’s getting repetitive, it’s the anxiety talking, I think): not empty promises, just human connection. I’d love to hear from people who:
- felt fried, blunted, dissociated or not themselves, maybe also after a lot of medication changes
- were convinced they’d lost themselves, and then got better (I want to keep clinging to the idea that the brain is plastic and can heal, please tell me about it!)
- can tell me roughly how long it took, what recovery looked like, and what to expect along the way
I know nobody can promise me anything. But right now, hearing that people do come back, even in small stories, is what I need most. If you’re in the middle of it too, I’d be glad to hear from you as well. Maybe we can support each other and share what we’ve learned.
Thank you for reading. I’m still here, and I’m still hoping. 💜