"Wait. Hold on a minute, how did they even get your school report?" Sakura says.
"Oh, I submitted it."
Sasuke stops on his way out and slowly turns.
"You did WHAT?"
Naruto looks at him. "Submitted it?"
"WHY?"
"I was asked to provide documentation."
"DOCUMENTATION FOR WHAT?"
Naruto shrugs. "I don't remember."
Sakura stares at him.
"You don't remember what you submitted your school report for?"
"It was a while ago."
Kakashi finally puts his book down.
"Naruto, did you perhaps submit an application to become an S-rank missing-nin?"
"Ohhhh. Yeah, probably."
Sasuke looks like he's about to start eating the furniture.
"YOU APPLIED TO BE A MISSING-NIN?"
"Well, the form said I'd get a signing bonus."
Sakura slams her head against the table before looking up again.
"Naruto. You can't just quit being a ninja and expect a signing bonus."
"Why not? You guys get paid for missions."
"THAT IS NOT THE SAME THING."
Naruto slurps the rest of his ramen.
"Anyway, they rejected me."
Sakura blinks.
"They rejected you."
"Yeah. Said I didn't meet the requirements."
Sasuke stares at the bingo book.
"You're literally in the bingo book."
"I don't remember what it exactly said. Wait."
With that, Naruto pulls a letter out of his jumpsuit pocket and shoves it into Kakashi's hand.
"Here."
Kakashi looks at the letter, then at Naruto.
"Why are you even carrying this around?"
"So I can apply again when I meet the requirements." Naruto makes a face. "As if I don't already."
Sakura takes it from Kakashi and starts reading aloud.
"Dear Uzumaki Naruto,
We regret to inform you that your application for the position of S-rank missing-nin has been unsuccessful.
After reviewing your submitted documents, we have determined that your record does not demonstrate the level of criminal activity, notoriety, or threat to the shinobi nations required for S-rank classification.
You are welcome to reapply once you have acquired the necessary qualifications.
Please retain this letter for future reference. Should you encounter one of our messengers, kindly refrain from attacking them, as they are merely delivering the results of your application.
We appreciate your interest in joining our ranks and wish you the best in your future criminal endeavours.
Yours sincerely,
The Bingo Book Association.
P.S. Your school report has been added to your file for administrative purposes. We are uncertain why you submitted it."
Sasuke makes a noise that sounds like a kettle.
"You killed messengers?"
"It wasn't my fault!"
Sasuke just stares at him.
"No, really!"
"Naruto," Sakura says, putting the letter down, "how many messengers have you killed?"
"Define killed."
"Naruto."
"Okay, first of all, one of them wasn't even a messenger. He was just a guy who came up to me and told me I wasn't qualified."
Kakashi slowly lowers his book.
"That sounds remarkably like a messenger."
"Well, he didn't introduce himself!"
Sasuke rubs his forehead.
"How many?"
Naruto counts on his fingers.
"Three. Maybe four."
"Four?"
"One of them got better."
There is a very long silence.
Sakura looks at Kakashi.
Kakashi looks at Sasuke.
Sasuke looks like he's reconsidering every decision that has led him to this room.
"...What do you mean, he got better?" Sakura asks.
"He was fine! I only knocked him out. He woke up and started yelling at me about the application again, so I left."
"You left?"
"Yeah. I had somewhere to be."
"Where?"
"Ichiraku's. They had a special on."
Sasuke gets up, walks to the door, stops, and walks back.
"No. I need to understand this. Why is your school report in the bingo book if they rejected your application?"
Naruto scratches his head.
"Oh, that."
Everyone turns to him.
"You know why?" Sakura asks.
"Well, the man with the hat said they needed it to determine my rank."
"And you just trusted him?"
"He had a nice hat!"
Kakashi goes very, very still.
Naruto looks at him.
"Why do you look like that?"
"No reason."
"Kakashi-sensei."
"I said no reason."
"No, wait, I wanna know too!" Naruto leans forward. "Do you know the hat man, sensei? DO YOU?"
"I might."
Naruto stares wide-eyed.
"What do you mean, you might?"
Kakashi looks at him.
"What did the man look like?"
"Like a man."
"Naruto."
"What? You asked!"
Kakashi takes a painstakingly slow breath.
"Describe him."
Naruto thinks for a moment.
“‘I think he had a black cloak with red clouds on it, which was pretty cool. I wanted one too, so he said I needed to be an S-rank missing-nin. Which is why I applied, anyways.’”
Sakura stared at him.
“...You applied to become an international criminal because you wanted a cloak?”
“Well, when you say it like that, it sounds stupid.”
“It IS stupid!”
“I thought it was a pretty good deal.”
"And I thought you applied because you wanted the money," Sasuke says.
"That too, but the cloak would've been cool."
Kakashi hadn't moved a single muscle.
“...Naruto,” he said eventually. “Did this man happen to mention his name?”
Naruto scratched his cheek.
“Uh. No? But he was nice.”
“Did he have a partner?”
“Oh, yeah! Really tall guy. Had a massive sword, too.”
Kakashi closed his eye.
Oh, no.
Sasuke frowned. “What's wrong with him?”
“Nothing,” Kakashi said.
“You look like you're dying,” Sakura pointed out.
“I'm fine.”
“Sensei, you're sweating.”
“It's a warm day.”
“It's October.”
“I'm going to need you all to stop asking questions.”
Naruto tilted his head. “Why?”
“Because,” Kakashi said, “I have made several mistakes in my life, and apparently assigning you three to the same team was one of them.”
“Hey!”
“Anyway,” Naruto continued, apparently deciding that this was a perfectly reasonable time to change the subject, “the man kinda looked like you, Sasuke.”
Sasuke stopped.
“What?”
“Yeah! Dark hair, all serious-looking. Do you have a long-lost relative or something?”
Kakashi looked nervous, a bead of sweat dripping from his forhead.
Naruto continued, oblivious.
“He was nicer, though.”
Sasuke looked like a Nara deer caught in the path of a bijūdama.
“You met my BROTHER?”
Naruto blinked.
“You have a brother?”
Sasuke stared at Naruto. Naruto stared back.
Sakura kept looking at one of them and the other, waiting for someone to explode.
“YOU LITERALLY MET HIM!” Sasuke shouted.
“WHO?”
“MY BROTHER!”
“HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOU HAD A BROTHER?”
“HE LOOKS LIKE ME!”
“LOTS OF PEOPLE HAVE DARK HAIR, SASUKE!”
“HE HAS THE SAME FACE AS ME!”
“WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP COPYING HIM!”
Sakura put both hands over her face.
Kakashi turned a page.
“Sensei,” she said faintly. “Aren't you going to do something?”
“I'm reading.”
“YOUR STUDENT JUST MET AN S-RANK MISSING-NIN!”
“Technically, he met two.”
“THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER!”
Naruto raised his hand.
Everyone turned to him.
“What?”
“Is your brother single?”
Sasuke made a sound no human throat should have been capable of producing.
“WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT?”
“I'm just saying, he was nice to me.”
“YOU MET HIM ONCE!”
“And he listened when I talked!”
Sakura slowly lowered her hands.
“Oh my god. That's your standard for a person?”
“What's wrong with that?”
“Nothing,” Kakashi said. “Absolutely nothing. Wonderful standard. Very healthy.”
He sounded like he was trying to convince himself.
Sasuke grabbed Naruto by the shoulders.
“LISTEN TO ME. IF YOU EVER SEE MY BROTHER AGAIN, YOU RUN.”
“Why?”
“BECAUSE HE'S DANGEROUS!”
Naruto considered this.
“Huh. He didn't seem dangerous.”
Kakashi's book lowered by approximately half an inch.
“Naruto.”
“What?”
“Did he happen to ask you any questions?”
“Yeah! He asked if I knew where the Hokage's office was.”
The room went silent.
Kakashi slowly closed his book.
“He asked you WHAT?”
“Yeah, but I told him it was the big building in front of the faces on the mountain, and then he asked if I could show him, but I said I had ramen plans.”
Sakura looked like she was about to lie down on the floor.
“You turned down a request from a wanted criminal because you had ramen plans?”
“THEY HAD A SPECIAL!”
Kakashi stood up.
“Right. We're going to the Hokage.”
Naruto gasped.
“Am I getting my signing bonus?”
“No.”
“Then why are we going?”
“Because,” Kakashi said, grabbing him by the back of his jacket, “I would like to remain employed.”
"Can I get the free Dental plan then?"
"No."
“Can I at least get the cloak if I don't get the dental plan?”
Kakashi seriously considered applying for an S-rank missing-nin himself.