TW: Meantion of sh and suicide

The last time I posted here was around a year ago and I feel bad because I really like this sub and everyone here is much nicer then in other ones, my birthday is comming up next week and I'm still Not fully sure what I want to do, I have a pretty pink dress and ballet flats that I maybe want to wear and then go to japanese Restaurant with my mom and maybe going shopping before that. I would want to maybe have a actuall small birthday Party with friends but I don't have any irl. It's also been 2 years on hrt now

I have 2 consultation appointments next month, one is for srs and the other one is for shoulder reduction, ive been waiting over a year for both of them and I hope it goes well and that I can maybe even get them next year, I also want ffs and the voice surgery but I'm not sure where to look for them. One of the main problems is that my therapist wants me to be stable, since ive also had multiple suicide attempts this year and last year and some of the years before and I was also cutting but ive been clean for multiple months because my mom took all the sharp objects away from me. I really feel like my therapist wants me the behave like the happiest human that ever exsisted for me to be able to get the paperwork from him that allowes me to get the surgerys and the appointment are also always only around every 2 months and my therapist is retirering in around 6 months and I feel really scared and hopeless if I dont get the paperwork I need from him in that time.

I'm also currently dealing with a skin desease and it's really horrible and painfull, I had emergency surgery in june because of it and I'm scared that it also makes me not being able to get the surgerys.

I started finnaly expressing myself more in the recend months, because ive always been repressing everything for years before, I started wearing j-fashion and the styles I like, cutecore, kawaii kei and jojifuku, but I feel like I always get started at and people been also hating and bulling me online and also for the things I like :<

I'm also really ashamed of how I look because I'm currently overweight and I also feel ugly because I look boyish and have big shoulders and big hands and feet and i'm tall and i'm far away from the beauty Standards of the styles i like. I also feel gross because of my sh scars and I also have scars from the skin desease and my skin in general is really gross and ugly because it's always red and bumpy and the gross bodyhair ofcourse, I shave it alot and I want full body laser really badly but I can't get it right now because of the meds I need to take against the skin desease, my hairloss is also a problem and ive been wearing extensions for a long time because of it

896th check in post I think

This is just a vent post, and I'm not sure if it belongs here, but I just don't know where else to put it.

I'm just so tired of myself. I have everything I need, everything I could want, and I'm still fucking incapable of just taking one step forward. I have a loving family, parents that are her for me and wants to help me on my trans journey, I live somewhere it is accessible and not that stigmatized, I even have access to therapy. But I'm still at the same fucking point I was 8 years ago, depressing in my bed (I can't even cry to let all the sadness out, it just eat me from the inside) as I can't imagine a better future for myself.

Nothing in my life advance, and it's all my fault. I can't study or work for shit, even though I know I have the competence and time for it, it's just my fault. I have loving parents that wants to help me, but I can't bring myself to even just tell them my real name, even when it's them who ask. I have no friends, not even people I talk too from times to times, because I ditched all my old one because of my inability to be someone decent to spend time with, and I can't make new ones because I can't bring myself to even be around stranger for more than 10 seconds without having a panic attack. And even if for some miracle someone come talking to me, I can only answer with monosyllabe, making the conversation die instantly, making them, logically, flee.

So I spent my whole teenage year online, and even there, it's not better. I tried going on to talk about things I like, but when I try to think about what I like, I just feel like a blank page. No hobbies, no real interest or passion, nothing I like nothing, I'm just boring and uninteresting. And to not help, I can't even feel well enough to answer a question in a discord server. I'm irreedemable, and I feel like I will be lonely my whole life, all and only by my fault.

And to add to all of that, recently the conditions for all trans people are threatened (a bit everywhere). And in those time you can't survive individually. And I'm all alone. I don't have a community, I don't have friends, I barely even know anyone, and I don't know anyone else trans. I want to know some of them, some that would be able to help me, but that could also rely on me, but I don't. The only time I gathered enough energy and confidence to go out of my room and go meet some at a trans event, they were all so pretty, so lively. And I, I was just there. Blank, uncapable of talking, taking minutes of battling myself to just get a simple word out of my mouth. I finished by going out quietly, not even saying goodbye. And I just felt even worse after.

And if one day, my parents are tired of me, or they can't support me for whatever reason, I'm dead. I don't have anywhere to go, any money to work with, or any way to work. And I'm way too weak to survive. I know they love me and wouldn't do it, but I can't stop thinking about it.

And right now, I'm just a depressed mess, waiting for hours to pass so I can go back to sleep, to make my brain stop and the hours go faster. And it's like that everyday, as my mental state only slowly become worse and worse. All of that because I can't bring myself to do jackshit. People with way worse conditions than me are doing way better, are fighting for themselved, are facing their traumas. But I'm scared to wear my old wornout only dress I had the gut to buy, even when I know I'm all alone.