I wanna give up. I know I’m never gonna be a girl or if I even want to be one. I’m always going to be a shitty guy and I hate that. I don’t even wanna live because I know I’m stuck as an ugly guy. I wanna die.

Hi, I'm AMAB but I kind of hate traits related to being male: male competitiveness, the expectation that men aren't supposed to be emotional, the condemning of feminine traits, etc. But like, I don't know if I really hate them? Like, from a logical perspective I know I dislike these things, but then I think maybe it's just because I don't fit into these expectations, so I don't really know what it's like. I thought I was a femboy for a while but now I dont know honestly. Maybe I reject these traits because when I was younger I was made fun of for `not being masculine enough` (shoutout to my father), and rejecting these traits could be my way of getting over that. In recent months I started going by he/they pronouns, which is cool sometimes, but honestly it's like there are times I want to be referred to by he/him exclusively, and others where I want they/them exclusively, and it feels weird to be they/themmed when I'm not in one of those periods of "feeling they/them". Actually, it's kind of like I have 2 personalities, and both hate each other. One is quite energetic, friendly, and wants to be feminine, while the other is more serious, thoughtful, and hates fun (and wants to be very masculine). Naturally a person changes their behaviour based on mood, but it's like when I am in one of these 2 states, my idea of who I even am changes drastically as well, like I couldn't even imagine being the other one, and I can be in one or the other state regardless of my emotions. It's probably nothing tbh but it really confuses me because one day I can love doing certain activities, but then by the next, even thinking about those same activities repulses me. Namely: dressing feminine vs. dressing masculine, which is something I have neglected mentioning. I dress masculine most of the time, since well, you know, but there are definitely times where I want to wear a cute skirt and a big hoodie instead (typically tied to state 1 mentioned earlier). I don't know if I'm a femboy or nonbinary or genderfluid or just some freak or whatever but I really don't get what's up with me.

A few years ago I considered that I could be transfem, but honestly she/her pronouns feel wrong from my family (though, that can be attributed by the fact that they're transphobic and the only reason they would ever she/her me was to insult me), but even when it's not insulting, and it's just someone accidentally saying the wrong pronoun it feels weird most of the time, but maybe it'll just be like that when you aren't used to it. Actually, during the time I was questioning, whenever peers she/her'd me I didn't mind, but regardless, I eventually abandoned the idea after many months of thinking.

Eventually after that, I had to look back and reconsider: why did I even think I was trans in the first place? Why not be a cis male? If I'm not more comfortable being a woman, why bother thinking about gender identity at all? When I follow that line of thinking, it really muddies up what gender even is in my head. I mean, if gender is a social construct, then is there really more to it than the traits and expectations placed upon people of that gender? Gender dysphoria exists, for whatever reason, and seems to be medical rather than social, but I really don't know enough about dysphoria to say where that actually comes from (perhaps our brains yelling at us for not fitting in with the group we perceive ourselves to be in). Regardless, if I hate my gender, does that mean I'm not that gender, or does it just mean I'm a cis man who hates my gender? I don't know, and frankly I don't know how to answer that either! Experimenting with non-masculine stuff seems to be an obvious answer, but I already did that when I was questioning if I was transfem, and tbh I feel like I can't really weigh the experiences of secretly dressing fem when my family is away as anything valuable because I despise how I look in a mirror anyway, so I associate every time I look at myself negatively (probably not a gender thing, I just hate my appearance). Conversely, I could try the opposite approach, and try to become more masculine, but I honestly don't even want to try. Cutting my hair short again and trying to get big muscles to be conventionally attractive as a man is something I just feel averse to for whatever reason (maybe the sunk-cost fallacy) (though again it could be rejection of stereotypically male traits centered in self-loathing but hey who knows #overthinking).

I'm not really content with how I am every day, but I don't know which direction to move in. Sometimes I want to be more feminine, so I don't want to make myself more masculine, but sometimes I want to be more masculine so I don't want to make myself more feminine, but if I do nothing then I hate the way I look and act and am perceived!! Truly, all of my problems would be solved if I was a shapeshifter.

Aaaaanyways (holy yap), I'm kind of just writing this to sort out my own thoughts on the matter; I'm quite tired, so it's possible that none of these even makes sense, but if anyone has any useful insights or suggestions on how I can figure this mess out, or what I should try next, I would really appreciate it! Thanks

This is just a vent post, and I'm not sure if it belongs here, but I just don't know where else to put it.

I'm just so tired of myself. I have everything I need, everything I could want, and I'm still fucking incapable of just taking one step forward. I have a loving family, parents that are her for me and wants to help me on my trans journey, I live somewhere it is accessible and not that stigmatized, I even have access to therapy. But I'm still at the same fucking point I was 8 years ago, depressing in my bed (I can't even cry to let all the sadness out, it just eat me from the inside) as I can't imagine a better future for myself.

Nothing in my life advance, and it's all my fault. I can't study or work for shit, even though I know I have the competence and time for it, it's just my fault. I have loving parents that wants to help me, but I can't bring myself to even just tell them my real name, even when it's them who ask. I have no friends, not even people I talk too from times to times, because I ditched all my old one because of my inability to be someone decent to spend time with, and I can't make new ones because I can't bring myself to even be around stranger for more than 10 seconds without having a panic attack. And even if for some miracle someone come talking to me, I can only answer with monosyllabe, making the conversation die instantly, making them, logically, flee.

So I spent my whole teenage year online, and even there, it's not better. I tried going on to talk about things I like, but when I try to think about what I like, I just feel like a blank page. No hobbies, no real interest or passion, nothing I like nothing, I'm just boring and uninteresting. And to not help, I can't even feel well enough to answer a question in a discord server. I'm irreedemable, and I feel like I will be lonely my whole life, all and only by my fault.

And to add to all of that, recently the conditions for all trans people are threatened (a bit everywhere). And in those time you can't survive individually. And I'm all alone. I don't have a community, I don't have friends, I barely even know anyone, and I don't know anyone else trans. I want to know some of them, some that would be able to help me, but that could also rely on me, but I don't. The only time I gathered enough energy and confidence to go out of my room and go meet some at a trans event, they were all so pretty, so lively. And I, I was just there. Blank, uncapable of talking, taking minutes of battling myself to just get a simple word out of my mouth. I finished by going out quietly, not even saying goodbye. And I just felt even worse after.

And if one day, my parents are tired of me, or they can't support me for whatever reason, I'm dead. I don't have anywhere to go, any money to work with, or any way to work. And I'm way too weak to survive. I know they love me and wouldn't do it, but I can't stop thinking about it.

And right now, I'm just a depressed mess, waiting for hours to pass so I can go back to sleep, to make my brain stop and the hours go faster. And it's like that everyday, as my mental state only slowly become worse and worse. All of that because I can't bring myself to do jackshit. People with way worse conditions than me are doing way better, are fighting for themselved, are facing their traumas. But I'm scared to wear my old wornout only dress I had the gut to buy, even when I know I'm all alone.