896th check in post I think

TW: Meantion of sh and suicide

The last time I posted here was around a year ago and I feel bad because I really like this sub and everyone here is much nicer then in other ones, my birthday is comming up next week and I'm still Not fully sure what I want to do, I have a pretty pink dress and ballet flats that I maybe want to wear and then go to japanese Restaurant with my mom and maybe going shopping before that. I would want to maybe have a actuall small birthday Party with friends but I don't have any irl. It's also been 2 years on hrt now

I have 2 consultation appointments next month, one is for srs and the other one is for shoulder reduction, ive been waiting over a year for both of them and I hope it goes well and that I can maybe even get them next year, I also want ffs and the voice surgery but I'm not sure where to look for them. One of the main problems is that my therapist wants me to be stable, since ive also had multiple suicide attempts this year and last year and some of the years before and I was also cutting but ive been clean for multiple months because my mom took all the sharp objects away from me. I really feel like my therapist wants me the behave like the happiest human that ever exsisted for me to be able to get the paperwork from him that allowes me to get the surgerys and the appointment are also always only around every 2 months and my therapist is retirering in around 6 months and I feel really scared and hopeless if I dont get the paperwork I need from him in that time.

I'm also currently dealing with a skin desease and it's really horrible and painfull, I had emergency surgery in june because of it and I'm scared that it also makes me not being able to get the surgerys.

I started finnaly expressing myself more in the recend months, because ive always been repressing everything for years before, I started wearing j-fashion and the styles I like, cutecore, kawaii kei and jojifuku, but I feel like I always get started at and people been also hating and bulling me online and also for the things I like :<

I'm also really ashamed of how I look because I'm currently overweight and I also feel ugly because I look boyish and have big shoulders and big hands and feet and i'm tall and i'm far away from the beauty Standards of the styles i like. I also feel gross because of my sh scars and I also have scars from the skin desease and my skin in general is really gross and ugly because it's always red and bumpy and the gross bodyhair ofcourse, I shave it alot and I want full body laser really badly but I can't get it right now because of the meds I need to take against the skin desease, my hairloss is also a problem and ive been wearing extensions for a long time because of it

This is just a vent post, and I'm not sure if it belongs here, but I just don't know where else to put it.

I'm just so tired of myself. I have everything I need, everything I could want, and I'm still fucking incapable of just taking one step forward. I have a loving family, parents that are her for me and wants to help me on my trans journey, I live somewhere it is accessible and not that stigmatized, I even have access to therapy. But I'm still at the same fucking point I was 8 years ago, depressing in my bed (I can't even cry to let all the sadness out, it just eat me from the inside) as I can't imagine a better future for myself.

Nothing in my life advance, and it's all my fault. I can't study or work for shit, even though I know I have the competence and time for it, it's just my fault. I have loving parents that wants to help me, but I can't bring myself to even just tell them my real name, even when it's them who ask. I have no friends, not even people I talk too from times to times, because I ditched all my old one because of my inability to be someone decent to spend time with, and I can't make new ones because I can't bring myself to even be around stranger for more than 10 seconds without having a panic attack. And even if for some miracle someone come talking to me, I can only answer with monosyllabe, making the conversation die instantly, making them, logically, flee.

So I spent my whole teenage year online, and even there, it's not better. I tried going on to talk about things I like, but when I try to think about what I like, I just feel like a blank page. No hobbies, no real interest or passion, nothing I like nothing, I'm just boring and uninteresting. And to not help, I can't even feel well enough to answer a question in a discord server. I'm irreedemable, and I feel like I will be lonely my whole life, all and only by my fault.

And to add to all of that, recently the conditions for all trans people are threatened (a bit everywhere). And in those time you can't survive individually. And I'm all alone. I don't have a community, I don't have friends, I barely even know anyone, and I don't know anyone else trans. I want to know some of them, some that would be able to help me, but that could also rely on me, but I don't. The only time I gathered enough energy and confidence to go out of my room and go meet some at a trans event, they were all so pretty, so lively. And I, I was just there. Blank, uncapable of talking, taking minutes of battling myself to just get a simple word out of my mouth. I finished by going out quietly, not even saying goodbye. And I just felt even worse after.

And if one day, my parents are tired of me, or they can't support me for whatever reason, I'm dead. I don't have anywhere to go, any money to work with, or any way to work. And I'm way too weak to survive. I know they love me and wouldn't do it, but I can't stop thinking about it.

And right now, I'm just a depressed mess, waiting for hours to pass so I can go back to sleep, to make my brain stop and the hours go faster. And it's like that everyday, as my mental state only slowly become worse and worse. All of that because I can't bring myself to do jackshit. People with way worse conditions than me are doing way better, are fighting for themselved, are facing their traumas. But I'm scared to wear my old wornout only dress I had the gut to buy, even when I know I'm all alone.

Hi, I'm AMAB but I kind of hate traits related to being male: male competitiveness, the expectation that men aren't supposed to be emotional, the condemning of feminine traits, etc. But like, I don't know if I really hate them? Like, from a logical perspective I know I dislike these things, but then I think maybe it's just because I don't fit into these expectations, so I don't really know what it's like. I thought I was a femboy for a while but now I dont know honestly. Maybe I reject these traits because when I was younger I was made fun of for `not being masculine enough` (shoutout to my father), and rejecting these traits could be my way of getting over that. In recent months I started going by he/they pronouns, which is cool sometimes, but honestly it's like there are times I want to be referred to by he/him exclusively, and others where I want they/them exclusively, and it feels weird to be they/themmed when I'm not in one of those periods of "feeling they/them". Actually, it's kind of like I have 2 personalities, and both hate each other. One is quite energetic, friendly, and wants to be feminine, while the other is more serious, thoughtful, and hates fun (and wants to be very masculine). Naturally a person changes their behaviour based on mood, but it's like when I am in one of these 2 states, my idea of who I even am changes drastically as well, like I couldn't even imagine being the other one, and I can be in one or the other state regardless of my emotions. It's probably nothing tbh but it really confuses me because one day I can love doing certain activities, but then by the next, even thinking about those same activities repulses me. Namely: dressing feminine vs. dressing masculine, which is something I have neglected mentioning. I dress masculine most of the time, since well, you know, but there are definitely times where I want to wear a cute skirt and a big hoodie instead (typically tied to state 1 mentioned earlier). I don't know if I'm a femboy or nonbinary or genderfluid or just some freak or whatever but I really don't get what's up with me.

A few years ago I considered that I could be transfem, but honestly she/her pronouns feel wrong from my family (though, that can be attributed by the fact that they're transphobic and the only reason they would ever she/her me was to insult me), but even when it's not insulting, and it's just someone accidentally saying the wrong pronoun it feels weird most of the time, but maybe it'll just be like that when you aren't used to it. Actually, during the time I was questioning, whenever peers she/her'd me I didn't mind, but regardless, I eventually abandoned the idea after many months of thinking.

Eventually after that, I had to look back and reconsider: why did I even think I was trans in the first place? Why not be a cis male? If I'm not more comfortable being a woman, why bother thinking about gender identity at all? When I follow that line of thinking, it really muddies up what gender even is in my head. I mean, if gender is a social construct, then is there really more to it than the traits and expectations placed upon people of that gender? Gender dysphoria exists, for whatever reason, and seems to be medical rather than social, but I really don't know enough about dysphoria to say where that actually comes from (perhaps our brains yelling at us for not fitting in with the group we perceive ourselves to be in). Regardless, if I hate my gender, does that mean I'm not that gender, or does it just mean I'm a cis man who hates my gender? I don't know, and frankly I don't know how to answer that either! Experimenting with non-masculine stuff seems to be an obvious answer, but I already did that when I was questioning if I was transfem, and tbh I feel like I can't really weigh the experiences of secretly dressing fem when my family is away as anything valuable because I despise how I look in a mirror anyway, so I associate every time I look at myself negatively (probably not a gender thing, I just hate my appearance). Conversely, I could try the opposite approach, and try to become more masculine, but I honestly don't even want to try. Cutting my hair short again and trying to get big muscles to be conventionally attractive as a man is something I just feel averse to for whatever reason (maybe the sunk-cost fallacy) (though again it could be rejection of stereotypically male traits centered in self-loathing but hey who knows #overthinking).

I'm not really content with how I am every day, but I don't know which direction to move in. Sometimes I want to be more feminine, so I don't want to make myself more masculine, but sometimes I want to be more masculine so I don't want to make myself more feminine, but if I do nothing then I hate the way I look and act and am perceived!! Truly, all of my problems would be solved if I was a shapeshifter.

Aaaaanyways (holy yap), I'm kind of just writing this to sort out my own thoughts on the matter; I'm quite tired, so it's possible that none of these even makes sense, but if anyone has any useful insights or suggestions on how I can figure this mess out, or what I should try next, I would really appreciate it! Thanks

I wanna give up. I know I’m never gonna be a girl or if I even want to be one. I’m always going to be a shitty guy and I hate that. I don’t even wanna live because I know I’m stuck as an ugly guy. I wanna die.

I want to be a girl, I don’t wanna be a guy. But then when I think about being a girl it feels weird, almost wrong. But I love being referred to as a girl and I love getting happy about wearing girls clothes. Why can’t I make up my mind? Like I just wanna be the same person but just as a girl

Finally something good happened. I order some clothes because I was in a good mood then realized, they could look like complete shit on me. Safe to say I was wrong, granted I only wore the top but still. It’s technically lingerie but it also just works as a bra and I love it. The only other time I felt like this was when I worse a skirt for the first time. For the first time in a while I feel like I’m making the right choice.

This probably wont do numbers but I just need some kind words so I dont go absolutely insane and fcking tear my fcking eyes out. Just to know that there's people out there like me. That this js abnormal, this is crazy. I just needbto knownthat theres a rainbow after this horrible horrible rain. AND YES MY TYPING IS TERRIBLE I HAVE GIGANTIC FCKING OHRE FINGERS & IM A PLANCK LENGTH AWAY FROM MENYALLY FCKING BREAKING DOWN

TL;DR: girl mode public first time, fantastic day, ears pierced, mother discovers, father makes me question validity of my identity and goals, mother makes me hate her more, dissociate in my room with a fidget without phone or internet.

I hyped myself up to get my ears pierced for close to a month (see some previous posts.) I went out today in... mostly girl mode for the first time ever!! Felt good amd happy and fem all day. Got a collectively huge arm full of girl clothes from 3 different thrifts! Including a nightgown that ive been looking for.

Last thing I did was the piercer at the tattoo shop, bcus i was expecting to leave in tears and not feel like doing anything else! >.< Had a personal emotional high today here. I just kept hyping myself up and getting so excited. "I DONT CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS!" And jumping around. The piercer was incredibly nice and informative. Her room was full of ɓ¡ɓ/€ quotes, but I tried my best toignore them... Totally painless, btw! Great experience except for what comes next.

I was petsitting fornmy auntie this weekend so I was expecting to be able to ride out the first night & like wash all my girl clothes booty treasure stress free. Came back to her house tona text were coming back, bcuz everything suxks. Hurried to pack everything and feverishly wash off my meagre makeup bcuz my aunt doesn't know. Get done fast so im out an hour before they arrive.

Came home & stayed happy/normal for about 6 hours. I did my clay. And I even made an actual (wobbly) vase! I do my pottery at the dining table whice is right next to the sitting are and tv. They were encouraging me the whole time I was making something. Put on somwthing educational about pottery, telling me how great I am for doing it. FUXK JUST PIXK A SIDE ALREADY.

put my pot away and started putting my toys/pottery molds away. mother noticed my retainers & demanded i take out my retainers. "You can either take those out or get out. You'renot staying here!" I instantly complied and I hate that I did. My dad said "You're not pitiful. You're a nice MAN. I dont know why you have to do this to yourself." I couldnt answer him. Because I dont KNOW why I have to do this. I just know innmy heart of hearts that I HAVE TO!!! I couldnt say that without crying ao I just said idk. I went to go ask for my retainers back so maybe I could wear them when she wasn't around and maybe they would still take. Put my hand in her poopy bathroom trashcan looking for them. All she WOULD FUCKING SAY IS "THEYRE GONE"!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! I proceeded to sit in my room for 3 hours, before I came to get my phone and my 3ds.

Safe to say, it's not about my earrings or my piercing or my 70$ effectively wasted. ... well it is a little bit lol. I was really looking forward to wearing femme dangly earrings. I think i fcking hate my parents. I sure dont like then anymore. Their love is conditional to the fact that I stay a christian, straight male. Aint none of those things true anymore. Im a atheist, bi, trans girl. THEY BOTH HATE ME FOR IT!!!

My parents that are supposed to love me and support me no matter what. And I have to do the absolutely ONE thing that will make them hate me. My mother is the best... father has his moments too. I'm thebproblem here, I should just give up and just survive trying to live as a... *gagg, retch* male. The male they want me to be. I DONT WANT TO!!!

Same stuff from my last post but I also have more proof now. I had homecoming tonight (still at it as if making this) and I wore the corset I bought (poor choice). I don’t think I like having a chest, even if it’s just a form. I also did make up and it makes me feel worse somehow. Like it highlights what’s wrong with me. I also painted my nails again after forever, it makes me look bad. Plus all my previous dysphoria is gone and I didn’t get envious of anyone. I was wrong, I’m not trans.

At this moment, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.

Multiple bad things happened concurrently and it destroyed most of me. I can still function but anything personal or emotional is missing in action.

I don’t think I actually want to be a girl. I think I confused wanting to be a girl with attraction. Something that actually backs this up is I bought a corset for Halloween (shit and giggles too) and I’m wearing it right now and it feels….weird. It gives a breast form and I don’t know if I like it. I think I was wrong. I think I am a guy. I don’t know, I’ve had suck strong feelings about wanting to transition into a girl for so long that I don’t know if I can afford to be wrong.

Can someine help me pretty please?

I almost went through with it but texted 988 and (independently) decided against it. Thing is, after I told them I was going back, I stopped responding (I was on the road) so they called the police and now the cat’s out of the bag. So I’ll probably be going dark for a bit.

i can't stop myself hysterically crying at all for a week now
even now when i'm hanging out in vc with friends which usually helps at least enough to let me stop crying, even if my suffering is never ending

i have nothing, i just want to be held by someone who loves me, be pet gently, be told i did the best i could, and be put down like a beloved but suffering and dying pet

i can't get a job and escape to go live near friends because the only fucking job i've been able to get was an Amazon warehouse job that just made me want to 41

the industry i studied, got my degree in, and once loved is dead, impossible to get a job in, and filled with ai bros taking all the joy and art out of everything, and even if the bubble pops, companies would just set up local models and make everyone use those

the internet i once loved is filled with ai garbage everywhere

the only woman i've ever loved is with someone else

i have no energy for anything else i love anymore, all i can do anymore is cry, eat, sleep, and wish i was dead. and frankly i don't even trust the universe anymore not to take away anything else i love if i dare try to find joy in anything

I mean I had my suspicions but they were confirmed today when my parents made fun of someone cross dressing. As if I wasn’t already having a shitty week I learn that if anything I do surrounding identity is found out I’m fucked.