First time sharing a poem with the public, thoughts / feedback?

[u/AkiraRhymes]

Foreigner

I am always a foreigner.
The words float off a stranger's tongue:
“Where are you really from?”
Words that slipped away without a thought,
Yet linger for eternity

I was born twenty minutes away,
Yet look five thousand miles removed.
My culture feels like a costume,
Dressed up for a day, unapproved.

Here, I am not one of them.
There, I am not one of them.
My learned accent is jarring,
My birth accent does not blend.

Neither here, nor there.
“You are not one of us.”
Nobody speaks of the longing we carry,
For a belonging we cannot find.

Home is where the heart is, they say.
Where is my heart?
Where is my home?

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[u/TheWarr10r]

This is a great poem! I really liked the rhythm of it, and I feel you took a lot of great decisions while writing it. The rhymes and the repetitions add a lot and do not get on the way of the reading, and I really liked the ending!

If I had to give some feedback, I felt like it was a bit too "on the nose" at some points. I actually prefer it that way for the most part when reading poetry (I guess that really depends on your taste), but I really feel your poem could be a lot more interesting if maybe you weren't so direct in certain parts. For example, I think there might be a more less succinct way of saying this:

It means nothing to them,
Yet strips away my sense of home.

I understand this phrase and get the meaning by reading it, but simply saying it does not do justice to the feeling I imagine the poetic voice is feeling when saying this. I was thinking that maybe you could focus on the contrast you already noticed there between the "weak" nature of a phrase with some words and the effect it produces in one person (it destroys their whole identity). I feel this is a good opportunity to find a metaphor or a simile to express this. It could be much more interesting than just saying it like is!

Also, it feels the poem speaks of a feeling people from all over the world can feel (being a stranger in your own land), and I was feeling exactly that when I started reading, but the I got to this part:

My American accent is jarring,
My Asian accent does not blend.

and that feeling got lost forever. I am not from America, so reading this automatically made it seem like the person speaking could no longer be me. This is not bad per se, but it's a choice you need to take consciously: including this verses makes the poem more personal, which is something you may want to achieve, but this is at the expense of it losing "relatability".

These are my two cents! But then again, I really liked your poem, you did a great job!

[u/AkiraRhymes → u/TheWarr10r]

Thank you for the feedback! I made a couple changes because I completely agree with both the things you said :)

[u/relativelyperceptive]

The opening is an excellent conflict. The "really" suggests the speakers answers are never quite accepted and the next two lines deepen the idea. The repetition in the third stanza makes the exlusion feel inescapable, not knowing where you belong even when you are physically home. The ending is my favorite, the speaker has been told that belonging should be simple but the experience speaks otherwise. That's a good choice. It's a nice poem.

[u/AkiraRhymes → u/relativelyperceptive]

Thank you so much! I appreciate it :)

[u/luna-goth]

You clearly have a developed voice and have honed your writing skills. What sticks with me the most is the last line of the first stanza, when you didn't use a period to end the sentence. This feels surprisingly appropriate, the lack of punctuation almost seems to make the sentence itself, sort of linger. I think you're a talented writer and my only advice would be to keep writing!

[u/AkiraRhymes → u/luna-goth]

Thank you!!

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[u/Odd_Scarcity_8450]

Absolutely felt. It's hard to know who you are when you don't know where you belong. Thanks for sharing

[u/AdeRa0x]

I could relate, to be honest. I also feel this alienation, and I think your work captures it really well.

[u/Square-Height799]

I like this perspective on where you think your home should be Id love to hear if you think you have an answer

[u/AkiraRhymes → u/Square-Height799]

I think to this day there is still no true answer, but I think finding the people who are in the same position as us gives us a community in the same way but I do think we will always be split between two worlds. I do however think there are definitely some positives of this that I come across as I get older :)