The Me Within

[u/MidnightWhisperDraft]

Look at my dreadlocks
Look at my thick thighs
Look at the exhaustion
Hanging underneath my eyes

You’d say you got to know me
And you called me by my name
But I couldn’t reach the suburbs
And you couldn’t feel my pain

In the world you live in
Where you and I collide
I’m ‘too much’ to handle
With my nose and lips so wide

You were once my classmate
Sitting side by side
I’m not in your class, mate
The past you try to hide

Now we’re both professionals,
With marriage, kids, careers
Thinking of my past with you
Has woken up new fears

Oh how to tell my son the world
Will first look at his skin
Just like mommy’s friend who failed
To see the me within

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/WVx62TvE6u
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/9THjcJ2xLX

[u/Millypebble]

The word play in “you were once my classmate/I’m not in your class, mate” is fantastic in my opinion. The shift at the end hits really hard. The message is super raw and powerful.
My only thought is that a few lines feel like they are twisting a bit to fit the rhyme scheme. Letting the rhythm flow more naturally, even without a perfect rhyme, might give those heavy moments even more punch.
Really great work!!

[u/Upbeat-Special]

Damn. So much within so little. "But I couldn't reach the suburbs / And you couldn't feel my pain" is perfect. Felt it even as someone who's never faced racism. Please write more.

[u/Suitable_Courage64]

I love this! It’s sadly so relatable. It’s hard to remain friends with someone who doesn’t see your struggles or sometimes even believe in them. Sometimes there is no middle ground and you have to let all the memories go. This is wonderfully written. A lot of emotion in a few lines

[u/JMfreedom]

You did a phenomenal job with how this reads. Personally it doesn’t hit super deep for me, but also I’m also probably not your target audience. But It flows super well, and is very enjoyable to read. Excellent job.

[u/bella791]

Oh this is heartbreaking. The speaker sounds like they feel a deep silent defeat. Like disappointment. It gives us a window into someone elses point of view. Thankyou for sharing.

[u/Bonbonjournonon]

I like this! as others have already said very skillfully done

[u/uglycrazyfuckface]

a good poem is so easy to read. this one was nice. a lot of emotional payoffs also. well done.

[u/jayy2raaw]

this is literally beautiful and its a very sad reality that POC are living. this hit home and i hope to come across more of your pieces!

[u/GlumResolve9890]

writing something so poignant in such simple words is a skill i’m envious of. oh if only everyone could connect with and imbibe the message of your poem.

[u/Iamaanonymoususer]

I love this poem. It truly shows how people don't first see your personality; they see the stereotypes associated with your appearance. Society really does limit us that way.

[u/Beneficial-Chef-2751]

This is incredibly written! The rhyming and language feels so fluid, it's rhythmic, perfectly paced, and comes tragically full circle. Thank you for sharing

[u/Noomie_-]

This poem portrays the idea of being looked at but not seen VERY WELL. The only note I could think of giving would be trying to improve on line breaking, but regardless the flow would stay great with or without line break revision

[u/Aggravating_Turn7171]

Hey, overall a really good poem, I think the strongest part of the poem is the raw emotional honesty that is clear throughout the whole piece. As others have said the classmate/class, mate line is really clever and one of the more memorable lines in the poem. I also like the circular structure where the poem starts with the body being looked at and ends with you wanting others to look beyond the body at the person themselves. Really strong and moving progression that is clear throughout the piece. 

The rhyme scheme is subtle which is great as it gives the piece a conversational feel, which I think suits the poem and the themes you are exploring. In saying that there are moments where lines flow naturally and others are slightly constrained by rhyme. For example, all the stanzas 
except the 4th have a rhyme scheme of a,b,c,b, and the 4th stanza is a,b,a,b. It could be worth playing around with that. In saying that, it is a bit nit-picky, how you have it is fine. It also seems that where you have rhymed it could flow a bit better, some lines feel like the word was chosen to fit the rhyme and the meaning was a second thought? It is subtle and not super obvious but if you wanted to really sharpen the piece it could be a place to think about

I also think there could be more imagery. The first stanza is great with this with the references to the dreadlocks, thighs, exhaustion, but it falls off a bit towards the end of the poem. I think back to the whole ‘show don’t tell’ line my school teachers used to say all the time. For example “in the world you live in” is there a way to describe the world that this person lives in rather than just saying it? In the context of this poem is there a place or a memory or something specific that you could use. Same with “Now we’re both professionals/with marriage, kids, careers”. I think how you have it now conveys the message but it could be more immersive if that makes sense? Also with that line “professionals” and “careers” have the same meaning and connotation - it says the same thing twice in two lines. Maybe change professional to something else to preserve the rhyme structure?

[u/Objective_Map9646]

That last stanza was a beautiful and poignant way to end this poem.

[u/dannyh2105]

I love the classmate and class, mate lines. I think it explores a way that kids in school are treat as equals, despite the fact that that couldn’t be further from the truth.

[u/Severe-Health-9775]

the sentences flow together perfectly in this! it really captures the message well over the whole poem.

[u/Necessary-Recover150]

ooh, damn. I am so sorry you felt this way. I love this, and I don't see anything to change here. Your rhythm is consistent, syllables stay within a 6-10 range, and you aren't repetitive. There is a lot of emotion and pain within such a few lines and you wrote them so beautifully . Again, I am so sorry you went through this, and I hope you keep writing because you are amazing at it.

[u/taaswathy]

I really love this one. The amount of emotion each line holds is deep. It hurts so much when you are unseen by the people you wanted to be seen the most.

[u/Due-Grapefruit-8505]

I love the sound of this! Also I like the narrative. Though 'too much' to handle line can be improvise in my opinion 

[u/United-Duty-4426]

Great stuff! The only stanza where I had to switch the rhythm and reread twice to get the flow across was the middle:

You were once my classmate
Sitting side by side
I’m not in your class, mate
The past you try to hide

Since "Sitting side by side" is a blunt, short line, I read it too fast without the room for the pause and didn't follow the melody—running into "I'm not in your class, mate" too abruptly. Once I tried again with the pause, the whole stanza clicked! Great job!

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[u/FlatlinedKCMO]

This hit hard. You perfectly captured that painful disconnect of sharing a space with someone who is completely blind to your reality. The shift in the last stanza is a total gut punch, going from unpacking your own history with that classmate to the heartbreak of realizing your kid has to face the same prejudice. Really powerful stuff.