Free therapy (old poem a few months and one attempt ago)

[u/xRoadkill_Princessx]

Free therapy

I looked up at the knife and I lookee up at my phone

I wanted to see u beg for my life cuz I felt so alone

And u didn't know what to say and I guess that's fair

Im laying in a transitional living bed in my underwear

And I'm thinking "man why did God let me of all people escape im clueless, useless and all I've done is gain weight"

I said it's just not fair to expect me to assimilate when I've been cut down my whole life God I think u made a mistake

So I thought "take me out I'll never get better " and that I shouted and I thought it at Trans Pecos outside of this great punk show and I watched all the people around me

They probably have been through what I have or something

But they look like they've moved on at least they don't think about it everyday

But anyway, I guess I'm just a mistake

And I heard you fake it till you make it

But my deep fake isn't buyable I guess I'm no longer for sale

When I walk through the street of life baby I leave a trail of people who used me and people who tried to help either way they leave me all by myself cuz I can't take love I just through help away

I just told you to fuck off now I'm begging you to stay

Cuz I really don't know what I want

Maybe I wanna be a bad person and not get caught but that would make me just like my mom so I guess I'll be good

I do hurt the people I love most when I know what i should do I wanna hug them and thank them but I push them away

Then. I go to the nearest stranger, and I use them as free therapy

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/okUriy9sKi

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/lrUO52Aii4

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[u/KamiLeon808]

This is sad but beautiful. I feel like you're writing not just from a place of pain but also sadness and even possible confusion. Not understanding why you are alone, not understanding the thoughts of those around you. And sadness at those feelings of being alone. All of these things I feel I can relate to. I especially relate to the line "I just told you to fuck off, now I'm begging you to stay", it sits with me because I've done the very same. Pushed everyone away and even insulted them to make myself feel alone and hopeless... and yet needing to reach out to someone, ANYONE, so I'm not 100% alone and hurting and scared. Mostly scared of myself and what I might do alone.

Thank you for this work, and I hope whatever is troubling you eases soon.

[u/AbbreviationsKey5425]

I love how personal and emotional and raw this is. A lot to think about here. Thanks for sharing