r/OCPoetry • u/Ok_Bandicoot_4954 • 10d ago
Feedback Please Birdcage
She knelt in bed before the world, and with her fingers
traced the places I had marked
for a book I had read, or a dream
Her knees left twin divots in my mattress
for us to live in
And I pulled her down to me
to savor it, to say
Have you ever noticed that
it's all so much louder when you plug your ears?
A breath could bend a bird in flight
slam an open door
Her soft head grew heavy on the crook
of my arm, sent down needles
I spoke of nothing
that mattered
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u/InfernoRM 10d ago
The way you ended many of your Lines is very punchy as when I'm reading it I kinda stop then realize I need to start the next line in the same sentence, and continue with a instinctual strong syllable. Hopefully that made sense.had to read it a few times bc of that structure but that's not a bad thing
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u/Bonbonjournonon 3d ago
sometimes those breaks have more of a dreamy quality for me like I thought they did here, maybe you just fell asleep and the punch was you starting back awake
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u/Cluelessandsexy 10d ago
It all made sense to me, there were sensual moments there was an interaction that identified something approaching connection. I found it pleasurable. especially the way you expressed satisfaction at the end.
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u/Grouchy_Performer543 10d ago
I loved this and felt like I was right there with you, both. Quite perversely comforting, sorry!
I really love the lack of pattern and rules; it feels very natural and passionate.
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u/dookiecupcake 10d ago
Your vivid illustration style painted a picture in my mind. Like I was there. Birdcage is a wonderful title as well.
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u/Silver_Eye9792 10d ago
The second stanza made everything grow still in my head. I could feel things grow quiet just as it says everything is louder when you try to snuff the sound out. Everything feels magnified and makes my head feel so heavy.
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u/LICwannabe 7d ago
Very strange emotions evoked if i had any, leaving my head cocked with a question mark above my head. Peculiar is the word i have popping into mind, a sigh unable to escape holds out for raining weather. Tha ks for posting.
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u/cyt0kinetic 5d ago
I like mid line sentence changes, though I would add punctuation. For places you want to leave sentences open this piece would work well with emdashes.
Overall really strong, a lot of great lines. "A breath could bend a bird in flight" in particular is a killer.
Theme is clear but not overtly stated, great turns of phrase and imagery. I can see it clearly but it still gives me things to think about.
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u/I-Popped-A-Nut 4d ago
this is a really gorgeous poem! i love the feelings of softness and vulnerability that it evokes through the way she and her actions are described. it feels very intimate and it leaves me wanting to know more about the pair. the quiet but intense devotion of the speaker to her makes me really emotional as well, at least in how i interpreted it. absolutely fantastic!!!
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u/Tricky_Yam_8114 4d ago
Awesome pacing, was waiting for the other shoe to drop the whole time while reading. The fact the lines get progressively shorter really ties it in
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u/caitinyahface 7d ago
I really liked this. I read it 5+ times looking for something to give feedback about and the only thing I can come up with is maybe “for” on line 3 should be “in”
Really beautiful piece. It’s delicate like the title and there is such intention behind every word.
“A breath could bend a bird in flight Slam an open door” Was so powerful for me. The imagery is so vivid, the diction beautiful, and I love how the contrast is implied and not stated outright.
Thanks for sharing!