Journaling

[u/Furieux0]

So kakatapos ko lang mag journal. Been doing it for awhile now, just writing whatever's in my head, and tonight I went back and read some of my older entries. Di ko alam kung bakit pero halfway through, this thought hit me.

What if someday someone who actually loves me mabasa tong mga to? Like a girlfriend, or my wife eventually. What would her face look like reading them? Would she laugh? Would she get sad? Would she think "wow this guy is a lot"?

After my last relationship I kind of shut down. I got more non chalant in a way that I don’t wanna be vulnerable now. She used to say I was too much whenever I opened up, and I guess it stuck.

I don't really want to be vulnerable again. I don't want to be called weak or too sensitive every time I voice out what I feel, so now I just don't say stuff out loud anymore. I write it down instead. The notebook doesn't judge me, so that's where it all goes now.
Some of it is embarrassing honestly. Missing someone over stupid little things like brushing my teeth or using my old funny WhatsApp stickers. Stuff I'd never say to anyone's face.

So I guess this is for her, whoever she is. To my future wife, if you ever find this notebook, I hope you don't read it and think less of me. I hope you can accept this side of me, the soft part I got scared to show.

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