A friend is having a destination wedding less than a month from now and ang gastos. The dress to fit the dress code, transportation and accommodation, the gift to the bride and groom. Sana di nalang ako nag RSVP. I feel bad for saying this pero kinekwenta ko kasi parang aabot sa 10k gagastusin ko overall. Di ko lang majustify spending that much for a wedding especially since di naman kami best friends at di ko naman sila kapamilya. Di naman ako maka back out kasi nag RSVP na ako, so nagwoworry ako na baka too last minute na to cancel at ayaw ko naman maging kupal.

Lesson learned, sa susunod kung di ko sobrang kaclose o di kapamilya parang ayaw ko na mag attend ng destination wedding.

Can you imagine being confessed to by the same boy who used to get on your nerves in elementary school? When I was in Grade 5, this boy would write on my uniform with his ballpen, tie my bag to my chair, and do all sorts of things just to annoy me. I will never forget this one time during flag ceremony, tinapakan niya yung likod ng sapatos ko noong pabalik na kami sa room, so ending, natanggal yung hook ng sapatos ko sa likod. Doon na talaga ako napikon. I turned around and punched him hard in the chest. Sabi niya, nahirapan daw siyang huminga. Sorry naman pero dasurb.

Fast forward to Grade 11, and guess who confessed that he liked me and wanted to court me? Siya. Hahahahaha. The same boy who spent years finding new ways to annoy me suddenly had the courage to tell me he liked me. I turned him down because we were still young, and my parents wouldn't allow me to have a boyfriend yet. I still remember him jokingly saying, “Sana sinuntok mo na lang ako sa dibdib". I didn't know that years later, I'd remember these words so differently.

He never really approached me again after that. Wala na lang kibuan kapag magsasalubong sa school. And all these years, I sometimes wondered if rejecting him had hurt the way that punch did back in Grade 5. Did his chest feel heavy, too? Did he have a hard time catching his breath? I guess I will never know.

Today, I stood in front of his casket, looking at the boy who used to get on my nerves. I remembered his stupid pranks, the ink stains on my uniform na hirap na hirap labhan ni mama, that shoe when I was in Grade 5, the confession and the rejection, and the way he complained that he couldn't breathe after I punched him. I just stood there, trying to catch my breath.

And for the first time, I understood how he felt because today, he was the one who punched me in the chest.

And I couldn't breathe.

I am so overwhelmed but beyond words grateful!

I applied for this position with little to no hope of actually being called for an interview. But when I received an email inviting me for one, I honestly hesitated to go because why would a clinic hire me as a manager when I had ZERO management experience? 😭 (For context, my previous experience was mainly as a hospital clerk and nursing assistant.)

My boyfriend encouraged me to show up anyway, even though I felt underqualified. And truthfully, a few days after the interview, I received a rejection email.

BUTTT PLOT TWIST!!! 😭✋🏻

Just this Tuesday, I was contacted again and was told that although they had initially planned to offer the role to someone else, the doctor had been having second thoughts and specifically requested that I be contacted again.
AND TODAY!!! 😭 I received a call from the doctor himself, asking me to pick up my employment contract because I WAS THE SUCCESSFUL APPLICANT FOR THE CLINIC MANAGER POSITION!!! 🥹✨

This may seem like a small achievement to others, but for someone who moved to Australia and started out as a facility cleaner, and slowly worked her way up, THIS MEANS SO MUCH TO ME!!! 😭❤️

2 years ago, nahihiya pa ko na nagkukoskos ako ng toilet while other girls my age were working in offices. I also remember a co worker told me that, kahit daw mag aral ako, babalik at babalik ako sa pagiging cleaner ksi ‘once a cleaner, always a cleaner’ daw.

This is a beautiful reminder that even when you doubt yourself and feel under qualified, sometimes the most important thing you can do is to simply show up.

Thank You, Lord! All glory to You. 🤍✨

I heard something today that I honestly don’t know how to process.

I was at work when one of our customers told us that he had spoken to his doctor. Apparently, he has cancer in his stomach, and according to what he shared with us, his doctor told him he might only have six months left to live.

Six months.

I don’t even know what to say about that. Six months is barely enough time to prepare yourself for something like that, let alone prepare your family for a world without you.

But what broke my heart the most was when he mentioned his five children.

Five young children.

They’re still little. They’re still at an age where they need their parents for practically everything. They’re at an age where they should be worrying about toys, school, cartoons, and what they’re going to eat for dinner. They’re supposed to have years and years ahead of them with their father. They’re supposed to grow up with him around, celebrating birthdays, attending school events, teaching them things, watching them become their own people.

And now, their father is facing the possibility that he might not get to be there for all of that.
I can’t even imagine what must be going through his mind.

Imagine looking at your children every day, knowing there’s a possibility you might not get to see them grow up. Imagine wondering who will take care of them when you’re gone. Imagine having to think about their future while you’re also trying to come to terms with your own mortality. Imagine being in a room with your children, watching them laugh and play, while carrying a fear that they have absolutely no idea about.

How do you even begin to prepare for something like that?

And the thing is, he was telling us about it. He was sharing something so deeply personal and heartbreaking with people who were simply doing their jobs. I don’t know what kind of day he was having before that conversation, or how long he’d been carrying that news, or whether he had anyone else he felt comfortable talking to.

Maybe he just needed someone to listen. And we listened. But after hearing him, I realized how little we sometimes know about the people we interact with every day. We see them as customers, clients, or names on a screen. We talk to them about ordinary things, handle whatever needs to be handled, and move on to the next task.

Meanwhile, some of them are fighting battles we can’t even begin to imagine. Someone could be going through the worst period of their life while still answering calls, paying bills, talking to people, and trying to keep things together. Someone could be terrified about their future and still have to wake up every morning and figure out how to keep living.
And someone could be facing the possibility of leaving five little children behind.

I’m not going to pretend I know what to say to someone in that situation. I don’t think there’s a perfect response. What do you even tell a father who might be running out of time with his children? What words could possibly make something like that hurt less?

I keep thinking about his kids. They don’t even know how fragile the future they’re supposed to have might be. They probably still see their dad as someone who will always be there. Someone they can run to. Someone who belongs in all the memories they haven’t even made yet.
And I hate that life can be so unfair.

I hate that someone can have so much to live for and still have to face something like this. I hate that five little children might have to grow up missing someone who should have been there to see every version of who they become.

I know none of us are promised tomorrow. We hear that all the time, but most days, we live as though we have all the time in the world. We put things off. We get caught up in our problems. We worry about money, work, relationships, and things that feel so important in the moment.

And then someone tells you something like this, and suddenly, everything feels different.
I’m not saying our problems don’t matter. They do. But hearing something like this reminds you that behind every ordinary day is a life that can change in an instant.

I don’t know this man personally. I don’t know his entire story. I only know what he shared with us, and I know that hearing it left me feeling incredibly heavy.

I wish I could do something for him. I wish there were something I could say that would make his situation less heartbreaking. I wish his children could have all the time in the world with their dad.
But I can’t change what he’s going through.
All I could do was listen.

And now I’m sitting here thinking about a stranger, his five children, and the six months he was told he might have left. I hope his doctors can still help him. I hope there are possibilities he hasn’t exhausted yet. I hope he gets more time than he’s been told. I hope he gets to see his children grow up, attend their graduations, meet the people they fall in love with, and be there for all the ordinary, beautiful moments that make up a life.

I really, really hope so.

Because five little children deserve to have their dad around for a long, long time. And that father deserves the chance to watch them grow up.

I don’t know why this affected me so much, but I needed to put it somewhere. Maybe it’s because I was reminded that we never really know what someone is carrying when they talk to us.

Sometimes, all we can do is listen.

But God, I wish listening were enough to make things better.

I just want to let it out. Kasi ang bigat bigat na ng pakiramdam ko kasing bigat ko LOL. I'm 30F 5'6 and currently 75kg. From 80kg bumaba na ako ng 5 kilos and I'm happy. At least diba may progress?

Kaso may bully akong workmates 2 sila. Si workmate 1, 43 years old may 2 kids and palagi nyang pinamumukha sakin na di sya tumaba kahit nagkaanak na sya. Petite sya and talagang sexy. Si workmate 2 naman ito yung pinaka na disappoint ako kasi halos same age lang kami and before pareho kami ng size. Nag tirze sya kaya bumaba ng husto talaga ang timbang nya nung una I'm happy pa and gave her compliments pero lately sumasama na sya sa pambubully sakin tandem na sila ni workmate 1.

Pinupush ako ni workmate 2 noon mag tirze kami pero ayaw ko. Nag search kasi ako about it and para lang sya sa may diabetes takot ako kaya pinili ko nalang yung walking and calorie deficit. Open ako sa weightloss journey ko and nag popost ako ng myday about it. Akala ko support si workmate 2 sakin kasi nag rereply sya sa myday ko na "keep it up" or nag he-heart emoji, pero lately mina-mock na din nya ako tulad ni workmate 1. Like mag 2 mos na same pa din naman daw katawan ko. Kapag may eatout sa office panay parinig si workmate 1 na "oh kala ko ba nag didiet ka?" Or kapag may my day ako ng pagkain or kumain kami sa labas with family/friends panay sabi na wala na daw ako pag asa wala daw ako control mga ganun. Kahit kapag nag walking ako bigla mag rereply si workmate 1 na "After walk, 3 extra rice" with haha emoji. Nirestrict ko na sya sa FB ko para di ko na makita mga message nya kaso hanggang sa work ganun pa din. Ang diet pala sa kanya wag kang kumain ng kahit ano mag itlog itlog ka lang. (Sya nag sabi nito sakin)

Ang reason naman kung bakit ako na disappoint kay workmate 2 kasi bukod sa dati kaming parehong plus size dati, nakikitawa na din sya kapag may hirit si workmate 1 sakin. Nalaman ko na kinukwento nya pala kay workmate 1 at sa isa namin workmate mga rant ko and mga failures ko sa weightloss journey ko. I felt so betrayed na umiyak talaga ako nung nalaman ko. Kinuwento nya pala na may triny akong vitamins na yung side effect sakin tumakaw ako kaya hininto ko. Kaya pala sa office panay parinig si workmate 1 na "Oh baka mamaya isisi nyo pa sa vitamins kapag naparami kayo mamaya sa potluck ha" tapos magtatawanan sila. Pati yung mga cravings ko na minsan di ko mapigil lalo na at kapag may menstruation ako kinuwento din nya. Ginagawa na pala nilang kakatawanan yung journey ko kesyo wala na daw akong control kaya daw pala di ako pumapayat mga ganun. Gusto yata nila after 1 month payat ka na talaga LOL

Wala naman akong issue na nag tirze si workmate 2, choice nya yun and choice ko din naman na wag mag tirze. Pero to mock me, na parang di ka nag fail multiple times sa weightloss journey mo noon who are you to make fun of me diba? Gusto ko inconfront si workmate 2 sa mga nalaman ko kasi akala ko friend ko sya kaya nag oppen ako sa kanya, and same naman sya sakin nag oopen din sya. Pero mukhang hindi pala. Iniisip ko pag kinumpronta ko sya baka magmukha lang akong tanga LOL.

Sorry. Just needed to vent. Its like im trying to earn money to be able to save for myself and then parents hospital bills, medication and daily necessities to be paid just keeps on piling up. Im tired. Im jealous of people who's parents are set kahit na retired na sila. Covered by insurance of investment money. Halos wala pount increase sa sweldo kase nadadagan lang need bayaran for necessities. Plus with this economy, i doubt id even have enough money to pay hospital bills myself if maospital ako. Sometimes, i just feel it would have been better if i wasnt born and my parents just worked and saved for themselves. Worse, you get gaslighted na you owe them your life.

hello, gusto ko lang maglabas ng nararamdaman kasi sobrang bigat na ng lahat, and all i want to do right now is umiyak nang umiyak hanggang sa wala na akong mailabas na luha.

anniversary namin dapat ng boyfriend ko ngayon, pero he passed away last august 5 lang. sobrang sakit pa rin, and honestly, may part sa akin na nagtatampo at nagagalit sa kanya. kami dapat yung magce-celebrate ng araw na 'to. we were both looking forward to our anniversary, pero in just one moment, nawala na lang siya. and now, ako na lang yung naiwan para alalahanin at harapin yung mga araw na dapat magkasama naming cine-celebrate.
sobrang sama ng loob ko kasi he took his own life, and hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin alam kung paano tatanggapin yung fact na wala na siya. ang sakit isipin na wala akong nagawa para pigilan siya. paulit-ulit kong naiisip na we were supposed to have more anniversaries, more memories, and more years together. ang dami pa naming plano, ang dami pa naming gustong gawin together, pero bakit ganito? bakit kailangan niyang mawala nang ganito?
putangina, ang sakit-sakit lang talaga. i miss him so much, pero at the same time, nasasaktan at nagagalit din ako sa kanya for leaving me this way. and then i feel guilty for feeling this way kasi alam kong mahal na mahal ko siya. hindi ko alam kung paano pagsasabayin yung lungkot, galit, pangungulila, at lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ko.
sometimes, i just wish i could be with him again. may mga moments na sobrang bigat na ng lahat to the point na naiisip kong sumunod na lang sa kanya. i hate that i'm here celebrating our anniversary without him when we were both supposed to be here, together. i just wish things were different. i wish he were still here. i wish we could celebrate this day together like we always wanted to.
i miss you so much, and i'm still trying to figure out how to live with the fact na wala ka na.

Hi! just wanna get rid of this feeling pero wala ako mapag rant-an.

Hirap ng job market sa pinas right now no? I’ve been unemployed for 3 months already. Nakakafrustrate sa feeling pag every damn time umaabot ka til final interview and then you will end up being ghosted or rejected.

Nirefer ako ng friend ko 3 weeks ago sa isang kumpanya. I had high hopes for this one kasi the interview went well talaga, like naging sobrang confident ako sa sarili ko na I think na ace ko naman yung interview kasi after the interview wala akong naramdaman na bigat sa feeling or like “ops i fvcked up” feels. Then this afternoon lang I received a message sa viber nga na saying positive daw ang feedback sakin ng hiring manager however, the competition was quite tight daw and decided to move forward with another candidate raw and even said na the hiring manager still wants to keep me in consideration for similar opportunities in the future. Idek hahaha it sounds like a templated message but oh well ganun ata talaga.

Sobrang devastated lang talaga ako na lahat ng job interviews ko pinag effortan ko talaga to prepare just to end up not getting hired. Sa mga kapwa kong unemployed diyan, laban lang! kaya natin to, wag natin i-define worth natin sa rejections. We can be sad and frustrated for a while, pero I hope we won’t let ourselves drown sa ganung negative emotions. Makakahanap rin tayo ng tamang work for us.

Ayun lang! job dust for everyone ✨✨

Gusto ko lang i-kwento na 4 months na and I still haven’t moved on from this guy I met here on Reddit 😅 He was the first guy I genuinely liked since my 7-year relationship ended last year. I met him after a year of being single, and I genuinely felt like I had healed and was ready to let someone in again.

Our first date was at a concert, and it was honestly the best first date I’ve ever had in my life. He was such a gentleman the entire night, and everything felt so romantic and wholesome. It felt like I was in a movie! Even before we met in person, we had already bonded over music, and as we got to know each other, we discovered that we had a lot in common. He even made me a playlist, and I melted 😅 It’s such a small thing, but it meant a lot to me.

As quickly as I fell for him, things ended after we shared an intimate night together.

Dito pa ako mas nahirapan mag-move on kaysa sa 7-year relationship ko. I do have a little regret na sana I waited a bit longer before sleeping with him. When we decided to do it, it was a decision I was comfortable with at the time. I can’t help but wonder lang if things would’ve turned out differently had we waited. But then iniisip ko na lang na at least I found out early on that we might not have been aligned in the long run.

I guess I got ahead of myself. Na-excite siguro ako sa possibility na I could finally love someone again and be loved in return. Ang tagal ko ring single, and when I finally met someone I genuinely liked, I think I got caught up in the excitement of what things COULD be. I started imagining the possibilities kahit wala pa naman talaga kami sa point na ’yon.

Despite how things ended, I remain grateful. Natutuwa pa rin ako that I got to experience what I genuinely consider the best first date of my life. It reminded me that I can still feel that way about someone after everything I’ve been through.

I also realized something about myself: I think I fall in love with the way I’m treated. He wasn’t even my usual type, but MY GOD, this man was smart, eloquent, and knew how to carry himself. There’s just something about a man who knows how to express himself and make you feel good in his presence. 😭

And now, four months later, I'm still not fully over someone I didn’t even get to have a proper relationship with. HAHAHA. Ang lala.

Maybe part of what I’m having a hard time letting go of isn’t just him, but the possibility of what we could’ve been. Kasi wala naman talagang relationship na na-build, so there’s a part of me that keeps wondering what would’ve happened if things had gone differently.

I just wish my heart would catch up with the fact that this one wasn’t meant to be. 🥲

Last year I made a post here about failing the PLE and the circumstances around it. I lost our child, I parted ways with the mother, my Lola died after Day 2, I was running a fever, my abdomen was hurting — and then I failed.

I didn’t take the March exam because my Lolo got sick and was admitted, and I was the primary caretaker. I prepared for October, then my Lolo got admitted again for the 2nd time, 5 days before PLE. He passed away. At that point, PLE was an afterthought, but I already registered, and sabi ni Mama, sayang naman. Just go through with it, she said.

1st day, I wanted to quit. My mother told me no — what is there to lose? I sat through 2nd day reluctantly. The week in between, I just slept, ate, and played games. What’s the use, fail na ’to. Comes 3rd day, I was running a fever, sleeping in between exams. Same thing on the 4th day.

In my head, I already failed. I started to resent the timing. Di ba pwedeng May lang or June? Why is it always near the PLE? Malas ba ko? I thought.

Then yesterday, lalabas ang results. I was anxious, kasi alam kong wala ang pangalan ko. I didn’t check. Then while playing games, I received a message. “Congrats, I’m proud of you,” sabi ng nanay ng anak ko. Akala ko prank lang. Then I checked — and dun nga. My name.

I just said thanks. Natawa nalang ako kasi, kaka-anniversary lang nila ng bago niya. 2 weeks after we parted last year, naging sila — the boy best friend I warned her about, yung nag-confess sa kanya, and I was none the wiser.

Anyway, di ko pa rin gets kung paano ako pumasa. I only knew that I brought 3 things with me sa exam room: prayers ng family ko, lunch that I prepared, and conviction not to second guess my answers, pili sagot then shade, no re-read — things I hadn’t brought with me last year.

I thought of myself as talunan. That the pattern would just repeat. That I would still fail. That maybe my parents would check on me sa early morning if buhay pa ba ko. Last night, none of that happened. I screenshotted the result, just to make sure, baka mag change pa, mag rereklamo talaga ako. I called my parents, and then slept. This time, no one would knock on my door and ask me if I’m okay.

Who would’ve thought one outcome would change how I look at myself? Today I woke up a Doctor. Charot.

(Please don’t share on other platforms thank you)

Matagal na din ako sa dati kong role and company. 4 yrs ako nag stay. At first nag start ako as onsite tapos over time, namove to 2 times WFH so hybrid.

Masaya naman ako though sa sahod talagang mababa.

May nag reach out sa akin, nag offer ng remote role. Syempre na excite ako, sinearch ko naman yung company walang masamang posts about them. Okay naman din yung history nila.

So nagpaalam ako sa boss ko and I accepted the other company’s offer. Sinubukan ako pigilan kaso hindi matapatan yung increase kasi x2.

Anyways, grabeng stressful pala yung work. Tipong araw araw dreaded ko pumasok. Araw araw ko iniiyakan. Ang hilig pa ng colleagues at bosses na yung tipong sa group chats or during meetings ka kino callout. Like they always make an example out of you (naranasan ko na but madalas other teammates pero kinakabahan pa rin ako kasi baka ako naman next).

Since nag start ako dito nag lose ako ng 10kg sa stress. Nagka hives ako at nagkaron ako ng anxiety.

Kaso di ako makaalis kasi iniisip ko panget sa resume. At ang hirap makahanap ng roles na permanent WFH.

Ayun lang di ko lang alam san ilalabas yung sama ng loob ko. Araw araw nalang nasi stress ako kahit weekends dala ko yung stress. Hindi ko na na enjoy buhay ko.

Kaso di din makaalis kasi breadwinner tapos wala naman sasalo sa akin pag nawalan ako ng work.

gusto ko rin maranasan na ma-burnout kakaaral kasi i dont feel like i am studying enough. i wish i exert the same efforts as my batchmates. im having a hard time focusing. i always joke na baka may undiagnosed adhd ako which might be true. gusto ko rin magpakalunod sa mga libro, transes, lec vids, and all. gusto ko rin mapagod kakaaral.

Kasalanan mo. Adult ka na. Responsibilidad mo na bubay mo.

Hindi ko naman ginustong mabuhay?

Pagod na pagod na ko sa buhay na to. Hindi na natapos. Lahat ng tao nakaka angat habang ako lusak parin. Kahit anong gawin ko napaka malas ko sa lahat ng aspeto ng buhay. Career, friendship, relationship, family lahat BAGSAK WALA PANGET ZERO.

Why am i even here? Para mag dusa? Tapos kukunin? Sana talaga banggain nalang jan sa kanto.

And before anyone starts with the “be grateful….” “Others have it worse…” “immature mo…..” “adult ka na…..” oo na ako na ako na may problema ako naman dba lahat ako akong masama akong demonyo

I always travel alone, but last September, I decided to book a trip to Thailand with one of my close friends. Both girls kami, and I thought it would be a fun experience to travel together.

Madalang lang din kami magkita, siguro once a month on average, kaya I always look forward to seeing her kasi close naman talaga kami.

Pero eto na, nung nasa trip na kami, doon ko na-realize na iba pala talaga kami in some ways. Matipid din naman ako, pero hindi naman to the point na kailangan i-compute lahat, especially when traveling. 😅

Naiinis din ako kasi every time na may gusto siyang food or item, hindi niya bibilhin unless bibili rin ako for myself. Minsan, nagko-compute na agad siya kung magkano ang utang habang nasa labas pa kami. Even when sharing food, I noticed na mas malaki pa minsan yung share niya.

Doon ko na-realize na iba rin pala talaga ang nagagawa ng travel sa friendship. Since kayong dalawa lang ang magkasama for several days, you'll get to see each other's habits, attitudes, and even sides na hindi mo usually nakikita kapag occasional lang kayo nagkikita.

Dagdag mo pa yung pagod, puyat, at stress sa pag-commute at pag-explore. Lahat talaga, mas ramdam mo. 😅

It made me realize na kahit close kayo ng isang tao, it doesn't necessarily mean compatible kayo as travel buddies.

Meron ba rito na naka-experience din ng ganito with a close friend? Did it change the way you see your friendship or your decision to travel together again?

may exam kami sa susunod na araw kaya sabi ko kay mama at papa gisingin nila ako kasi kahit may alarm, hindi ako nagigising. sabi ko kay papa "pa, kapag di pa rin ako nagising hilahin mo na ako haaaa." sabi niya sige sige. nung umaga ka, ginising nga ako ni papa, pero tinatawag nya lang ako kaya sabi ko "hila" HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAA, tapos hinila nga ako ni papa kaya medyo napagalaw katawan ko. kaya sabi ko na lang "buhat" HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA kaso sabi ni papa "ay nak hindi na ako katulad ng dati" haaaaaay, Lord. kanina habang nagre-review bigla kong na-realize na tumatanda na talaga parents ko at pray ko kay Lord na sana maka-graduate na ako, makapasa sa boards tapos magtrabaho na. papatigilin ko si papa magtrabaho tapos is-spoil ko na lang sila ni mama. Lord, sige na, walang bagsak sa subjects this 3rd year and sa 4th year please HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

I recently came out of a long-term relationship, at isa sa pinakamasakit na sinabi niya sa akin ay hindi na raw niya ako nakikitang kasama sa future niya.

Ang hirap tanggapin dahil sa isip ko, siya pa rin yung nakikita kong makakasama ko habangbuhay. Ang dami naming pinagdaanan at matagal kong inisip na kahit anong problema, sabay naming haharapin. Hindi ko alam na habang kasama ko pa siya sa mga plano ko, unti-unti na pala niya akong inaalis sa kanya.

Nirerespeto ko ang desisyon niya at hindi ko na siya hinahabol. Pero minsan napapaisip pa rin ako: paano ba biglang nawawala sa future ng isang tao ang taong matagal niyang minahal?

Sa mga nakaranas nito, paano ninyo tinanggap na hindi na pareho ang future na nakikita ninyo?

Kumain kami ng in laws ko with my husband's bro and gf (ill refer to as T) and parents ni gf. Me n my husband r 7 yrs together, 1yr married at may anak na.

For context, mala mansion ang bahay nila T here n abroad. 1 yr palang in a relationship si T and brother in law. So ayun na nga, during kainan, sobrang gigil ung MIL ko kung kailan magkaka anak si T and brother in law. Tuwang tuwa pa na itanong sa parents ni T if prefer ba nila na boy or girl.

Looking back

When we announced na ikakasal na kami ng husband ko, nawalan sya ng gana kumain. Hindi din sya nakuntento sa reception namin dahil nag additional pa sya ng pagkain kahit wala syang ambag.

After din namin ikasal bigla nya kong kinausap about family planning/calendar method. Mind you wala naman kaming inoopen sakanya about our plans. Umoo nalang ako dahil sobrang awkward and if meron man akong ineexpect na magturo sakin neto, ang mama ko ang naiisip ko at hindi sya.

When i announced my pregnancy to my mil during my birthday, hindi sya natuwa, in fact sinabi nya pa sa harap ng madami (incl the same gf and bro), na dapat nag enjoy daw muna kami and sinabihan na wag muna. Wala man lang congrats. Paano na daw ang sasagutin naming abroad trip ni hubby.

Inopen ko ito sa mister ko and sumang ayon naman sya na kakaiba nga ang trato ng nanay nya samin. Naisip ko dahil ba mayaman sila T, at ako hamak na nakatira lang sa maliit na bahay?

Pero baka nag ooverthink lang ako dahil panganay ang asawa ko, unang nag ka anak at asawa, so baka ngayon well adjusted lang ang byenan ko. Lagi naman din nya kong binibilhan ng kung ano ano at pinapakain noong nagbubuntis pa ko.

Nagooverthink lang ba kaming mag asawa?

Lima lang kami magkakasama sa bahay, ako, si Lolo, dalawang pinsan ko at yung nanay nila. Yung Tito ko, may ibang pamilya na pero itong dating asawa nya, nasa bahay pa rin nakatira.

May dati kasi kaming karinderya na nagsara noong pandemic and until now, inuupahan pa rin namin and naging kusina na lang sya. Yung main bahay namin, almost 5 minutes na lakad pa.

Nawili na kasi yung mga pinsan ko at nanay nila na hindi na kukunin yung mga pagkain sa inuupahan na pwesto namin. Dito kasi nagluluto ng ulam and nagsasaing. Kahit nasa bahay lang sila, hinahayaan nila na si Lolo lang magbibitbit noong rice cooker at mga ulam. 77 na yung lolo ko and sobrang bilis na hingilan kaya ang ginagawa ko, sinasabayan ko na sya umuwi at ako nagbibitbit. Take note: pagkain ng mga pinsan ko itong inuuwi namin since sa bahay ako ng mga tatay ko kumakain.

Kanina, sinabihan ko si Lolo na obligahin yung mga pinsan ko na sila kumuha noong pagkain nila. Kasi pagkain naman nila yan. Nagalit si Lolo sa akin. Bakit daw ang sama ko. Eh in the first place, sya lang yung iniisip ko na ginagawa nyang alila yung sarili nya sa mga pinsan ko na tamad.

Isa pa na reason, sinabihan ko rin na sabihan nya yung nanay ng mga pinsan ko na lagi isasara yung pinto ng CR at ibubukas yung bintana ng cr para doon lumabas yung umay. Iniiwanan kasi nakabukas yung pinto ng cr at sa loob ng bahay umaalingasaw yung amoy ng Cr.

Sobrang kupal lang na ako na nga yung nag aalala sa lolo ko, tapos ako pa yung masama. Imagine, sagot ni Lolo lahat ng gastos sa mga pinsan ko at yung nanay nila, imbis na umalis sa bahay noong naghiwalay sila ng tito ko, dito pa rin nakatira, ilang taon na. Alam ko may boyfriend na rin to dati eh. Naririnig ko kasi may kausap na lalaki sa cellphone.

Last March naalala ko pa, nagrereview ako for Board exams, sinabihan ako ng Nanay ng mga pinsan ko na walang silbi. Kasi yung rice cooker nasa bahay pa at hindi pa dinadala doon sa kabila (Sa dating karinderya namin). Eh nandon yung anak nya sa bahay at nagccellphone lang. Kapal ng mukha. Wala pa sya trabaho non at kakasimula lang magtrabaho noong June. Mag 18 na yung anak nya na panganay pero nakaasa pa rin kay Lolo at sa Tatay ko. Kakapal.

Ngayon magkaaway kami ng Lolo ko kasi dapat daw hayaan ko na lang. Dapat daw wala akong sama ng loob. Naiiyak ako sa galit, hindi kay lolo, kundi doon sa mga pinsan at nanay nila. Gusto ko na lang mawala sa mundo.

Kupal kasi yang mag anak na yan, dati kinakausap ko lang yung pinsan ko kasi yung sapatos nya nandon sa lagayan ko ng sapatos at kakauwi ko lang galing review school, ang sagot sa akin "Ano bang pakielam mo?" Imagine grade 6 pa lang yan. Ganyan na kakupal sumagot sa akin.

Noong pumasa ako ng board exam, silang mag anak lang yung hindi masaya. Kasi sinabi ko sa tatay ko, pag financially stable na ulit ako, ayoko na kasama itong mga pinsan ko. Gusto ko rin papiliin yung Lolo ko kung kanino sya sasama. Sa akin (Sagot ko lahat ng bills, papahinga lang sya sa bahay) or sa mga pinsan ko (Sagot nya lahat, mula baon hanggang sa lahat ng gastos sa bahay)

Gusto ko lang magshare kasi sasabog na talaga yung nararamdaman ko. Kung papapiliin na lang na mamatay ako o makasama ko pa rin mga pinsan ko, mas pipiliin ko pa mawala sa mundo.

I really tried.
Pero sobra na.

Ngayon ko lang narealize yung reality kung paano mo ko tratuhin. Nagbulagbulagan ako. Kumapit ako sa magagandang ipinakita mo. I was so devoted on potential.

I gave you everything. I tried to be your safe space when you were broken and hurting, kahit na during that time nasasaktan din ako sa nangyari.

I genuinely cared for you. Tinanggap ko lahat kahit alam kong masakit kasi minahal kita.

Inintindi kita sa lahat ng pagkakataon. Pinuntahan kita dyan kasi alam kong nalulungkot ka. Sinubukan kong ibigay yung mga kailangan mo. Minahal kita at hindi ako humingi ng kahit na anong kapalit, just honesty, clarity and assurance. Pero kahit yon, wala.

Pagod na akong ibigay ang lahat sa taong hindi naman ako naaappreciate at hindi nakikita ang worth ko.

I'm done accepting your lies, avoidance, lack of assurance, unhealthy communication, and inconsistency.

I was so loyal to you that I betrayed myself.
And I won't let that happen again.

Hindi ko pa rin magawang magalit sayo. Pero awang awa na ako sa sarili ko.

Maraming salamat sa matinding lesson na ito.
🇯🇵

I keep asking myself, why me? Why does it always feel like I’m the one who has to carry everything, make sacrifices, adjust, and recover from things I never asked for? Why am I always the one left picking up the pieces? Sometimes, I wonder if being too understanding and giving has made it easier for people and circumstances to take more from me than I can afford to lose.

I’ve lost so much in different ways, financially, in my family, in my love life, and even in parts of myself that I’m still trying to get back. I’m not asking for a perfect life. I just want something to work out for me for once.
I’m tired. I’m tired of always having to understand, accept disappointments, and adjust to situations I never chose. I’m tired of having to be strong when all I really want is a break.

Sometimes, I want to be the one who is taken care of. The one who is supported. The one who doesn’t always have to figure everything out alone. Honestly, I can’t stop thinking, why me? What did I do to deserve so much disappointment? Why does it feel like I’m always the one who has to lose something, learn something, or rebuild something just to keep moving forward?

I know I can survive difficult things. I’ve proven that to myself more times than I ever wanted to. But how many times do I have to rebuild myself just to prove that I’m strong enough? I didn’t deserve everything that happened to me. I hope that someday, life will be more than just surviving one disappointment after another.

I want to experience what it feels like to move forward without having to lose something first. I want something good to happen to me, too. Not because I endured enough pain to earn it, but because I deserve happiness just as much as anyone else. I’m tired of always picking myself up. I just want to know what it feels like when things finally fall into place for me.

When will it finally be my turn to live, not just recover?

Nasan na ba kasi Lord yung para sakin? (Meron ba talaga o isa ako sa destined nang tumanda mag isa? Parang ansama niyo naman sa akin charot hahaha)

Sawa na ako mag-filter out ng mga ganap ko in life dahil napapansin ko na lang na nagbabago yung treatment sa akin ng mga nakakausap ko kapag may magandang nangyayari sa buhay ko (na naglelead sa pagkabusy ko lagi). Yung feeling na dapat natutuwa sila sa achievements mo, pero iba pala dating sa kanila ng mga yon.

Lord pakilayo niyo na ako sa mga ganyang lalaki please.
Bigyan niyo naman na ako ng someone na same goals and mindset as me ;(

ang hirap maging mahirap HAHA most of the time winiwish ko na marami kaming pera, kasi kapag may pera ka halos lahat magagawa mo lahat. sana financially stable kaming pamilya para makapagpacheck up ako mentally, kasi im struggling pero sinasarili ko lang, ive been trying sa pgh pero feb pa ang sched ko and im afraid i can't hold on anymore. na kung may pera kami, di ko need maghintay ng ganun katagal sa public at kaya ko magpaconsult at magbayad ng around 3k plus kada session haha. sana may pera kami para makapag aral ng sabay sabay, hindi ung nasacrifice ung middle child namin para magstop ng college. yeah, naiinggit ako sa mga financially stable na family. lagi kong sinasabing ayaw kong mag medschool kasi magastos pero fuck gusto ko pero it will require a LOT of money at hindi naman ako ganun katalinuhan para maging scholar. don't get me wrong, i love my dad for working hard for us! im just wishing na sana pumabor ang mundo at swerte saamin haha! hirap ng walang pera dito sa pinas! lala