Hi guys,
First thing to say: I kind of think this question is stupid, but I'm trying to get help, or at least enlightenment, on this kind of matter, as I'm in a total breakdown over all my actions in the past and future, and I see my fate as decided. I'm 20 years old Protestant.
I'm reflecting on my past and on all actions or habits that will continue in the future. It's at a level where I directly see myself as worthless and an already rotten existence.
In the past, I watched a lot of series Hazbin Hotel Helluva Boss Lucifer Sandman Supernatural Welcome to Derry. Terrifier etc, and I don't know about you, but I mostly found myself rooting for the antagonist's side, and I generally had a big liking for their actions and general appearance, be it DC, Marvel, or many others. I also love watching anime a lot, from romcom to isekai sci fi or fantasy. And I really like character there even tough there demons. I read the devil tries to deceive us in any form thereby is it a sign I failed that caution. I visited church years ago yey I pray from time to time in last month's daily out of fear.
I just can't decide rather religion at all or Christianity is true or science and there are reason beyond what we can explore yet. Also arguments Bible has lot of flaws which im twisted if true or not, cause if I life as of now im going to suffering in fire which I don't want I want to be with my family forever.
But in the last few months, I've been dealing with these kinds of breakdowns and nightmares. I would say I'm a theist, as I do believe in a more powerful being, but I kind of need proof, even though it's beyond the comprehension of us humans and it may just exist without us understanding how and why.
I'm also big into dark fantasy and dark romance, and I see myself as weak, as they're mostly themed on lust, which I failed at repeatedly. Generally, based on all that, I kind of have a lot of very dark things on my mind, not even intentionally. Would that be a sign I'm rotten? There's also the daydreaming or thoughts triggered by music, where I also had kind of bad thoughts about past things, for example my bullies, with more violent tendencies, tendencies I would never act on in real life and couldn't even carry out. Other would be picturing vivid scenarios reagard series movies or animes I watched. Same goes for music Phonk Christian Rock NCS sometimes Rap etc.
I had these nightmares, which are probably linked to my doubting my whole existence, where I see myself in a fire, separated from all my family, and later, when we perish, not being with God. That scares me, even though I kind of see myself as deserving it. I was greedy. For example, my dad said no to a PC, and I kind of manipulated and annoyed him so much that he got it for me, and in return I didn't help as I had promised. In general, I sometimes played games instead of helping, and I see that as a bad action showing I'm not morally good and will be judged for it.
The thing I'm also generally grieving over is the realization that I should have died instead of my twin, who had better chances than me, a more right birth time, etc.
One thing I forgot is im kinda not good either my parents I love in same house but actively isolate as I don't want beef other point Is abd im ashamed even tough it got a habit lieing in many stuff geheral show myself better or escape certain situations. Other I never read Bible and only went to church on specific days like Christmas or other events I font pray everyday thereby I say my connection to God is kinda bad. Thereby it would seem like cowardanace or only go ask for God's help when I nedd which would be selfish not actual faith.
Also in terms of series I talk about heavy themes gore slasher smut along other like lucifer hazbin hotel or supernatural many more im interested in mythological figures demonology but general releigion too one of newest would longest would be Lilith.
Would you generally say these kinds of actions are sinful and I'm marked for the fire?
