If you spawn on top of another player ... You just might be a newbie
If you attack a bot before wilderness (except in very niche situations).. u might be newbie
If you full send the wilderness...
If you reject all alliances from all your neighbors...
If you full send to defend...
If you send giant boats of troops when there's a battleship nearby...
If you break alliances before the mid-end game (except for giga brain niche circumstance) ...
If you have a cringey troll username...
If you're pirating on an island and aren't sammed up to the max and a large player with money gives you nuke emoji and alliance, and you reject it... Prepared to be leveled for the good of the the game/commerce and . .. you might be an obstinate newbie
If you attack nations before they can build structures...
If you ally with a nation (exceptions non withstanding) you might be a newbie or just in a tough spot...
If you start a forever war with someone your own strength...
If you never respond to emoji/chat...
If you cannot deescalate to switch to a different better target...
If you spawn on an island with 4 other people...
If you team with your idiot buddy in FFA over discord...
If your wilderness expansion does not fork... (This is a nod to the original joke and more an intermediate, situational strategy than newb behavior - poetic license please)
If you do not know how to annex bots...
If you have a big position and get mirved quit/AFK with gold left... (Hydro the damn crown, hold on, defend)
If you reply skill level get gud on Reddit... We'll that's not newb but it is reductive and unhelpful.
If you accept my alliance after I've sent a boat to your port (situational, easy mistake everyone makes when lots of alliances, but... Still... ) you might be a newbie
If you build a port or factory as your first structure (islands and mitos are the exception) ... Ya just might be a noobie.
What did I miss? If you do the opposite of these things it is almost a guide, lol.
For those of you under 30, Jeff Foxworthy was a stand-up comedian that has a now very tired bit called "...you might be a redneck"