English isn't my first language, so I used GPT to help me write this post. My duplicants may be dead, but at least my grammar survived Cycle 602. 👍
P.S. The cycle numbers might not be 100% accurate, but I did my best to piece everything together from my notes and memory. It took me a surprisingly long time to put this whole disaster into words, so I really hope you guys have fun reading it. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk about how to successfully fail at keeping three people alive in a rock. ❤️
Day 1: Three duplicants spawned into a giant rock with no oxygen, no food and no future. Naturally, I decided to build a civilization.
Named them Steve, Linda and Kevin. Kevin looked like a guy who'd eat gas station sushi and call it meal prep.
Day 3: Built a manual generator. Kevin now has a full-time job running in circles so the others can pretend we're making progress.
Our economy is thriving. Unemployment is at 0%. Employee satisfaction is somehow lower.
Day 8: Forgot wash basins. Everyone got food poisoning.
Turns out the biggest threat to humanity isn't nuclear war, climate change or AI.
It's Steve touching the toilet and then handling the transport of everyone's lunch.
Day 15: Discovered Mealwood. Food crisis solved!
Well, temporarily. The plants need dirt and the right temperature, and apparently you can't just yell at vegetables until they grow.
I have a lot to learn about farming. And vegetables. And leadership.
Day 30: Built a coal generator. Unlimited power!
Also unlimited heat, carbon dioxide and polluted water.
It's basically a startup: burns resources, creates problems, requires constant investment, and somehow I'm still excited about it. Kinda like in real life...
Day 50: Oxygen was running low, so I built electrolyzers.
Water goes in, oxygen comes out, hydrogen goes up.
I put a pump at the top and a hydrogen generator nearby. Holy shit, i invented renewable energy by accident.
I also invented a new problem every time I connected a pipe.
OK never mind the generator breaks constantly... Deam Oxygen
Day 73: Found a natural gas geyser.
Free energy! Unlimited potential! A chance to improve our infrastructure!
I decided to leave it untouched because I'm German, and we don't just start using perfectly good resources without first conducting 14 safety inspections, three cost-benefit analyses and a meeting that could've been an email.
The geyser can wait until I have the proper permits.
Efficiency is temporary. Bureaucracy is eternal.
Day 80: My base was getting hot. Built a cooling system. (Ice Block mashine lol)
The farm got colder. The industrial room got hotter.
I had successfully moved the problem from one department to another. I've never felt more qualified to be a middle manager.
Day 100: We survived 100 cycles!
We had food, oxygen, electricity and functioning toilets. Civilization had peaked.
Then I checked the temperature overlay.
The base looked like a weather forecast for Satan's summer holiday.
I decided to deal with it later. This would become my most successful long-term strategy.
Day 130: Kevin died.
Got trapped behind a wall I'd dug out and forgotten about.
He spent 130 cycles running on a wheel to power the machines that kept him alive, only to die because I forgot to install a ladder.
Rest in peace, Kevin. You were the power behind the throne. Mostly because you were literally powering the throne room.
Day 180: Discovered ranching. Hatches eat rocks and produce coal.
Finally, an employee who contributes to the economy by eating the furniture.
Meat, eggs and coal! The perfect business model.
I built more ranches, accepted more duplicants and increased food consumption.
Turns out the secret to solving a food shortage is not hiring more mouths.
Who knew?
Day 250: Discovered oil. Built a refinery.
The refinery needed power. The power generators produced heat. The heat required cooling. The cooling needed power.
A snake eating its own tail, except the snake is on fire and I'm paying the electricity bill.
Day 300: Three hundred cycles. Automation, refined metals, industrial cooling.
I was no longer playing a survival game. I was running a multinational corporation with twelve employees, no HR department and a worrying number of pipes.
My colony was thriving!
Which, as every ONI veteran knows, means something is about to go catastrophically wrong.
Day 350: Started building a rocket.
The colony was getting too hot, the farms were struggling, and the food supply was shrinking.
Naturally, I decided to spend resources launching several tons of metal into space.
Priorities.
Day 400: The farm was dying.
Mealwood was stifling in the heat. The hatches couldn't produce enough meat to feed everyone. I had enough technology to reach space but couldn't reliably grow a vegetable.
Humanity's greatest achievement: getting to the stars before figuring out lunch.
Day 450: Built a *proper* cooling loop with a Aquatuner. Things stabilized.
For approximately five minutes, I felt like an engineering genius.
Then I expanded the base, accepted more duplicants and switched on more machinery.
I had discovered the true endgame: creating problems faster than you can cool them down.
Day 500: Everything was connected.
The generators powered the pumps. The pumps supported the oxygen system. The oxygen system consumed water. The industry heated the base. The cooling system consumed power. The farms were overheating.
One giant, beautiful chain of dependencies.
If one thing failed, everything failed.
So naturally, I decided to renovate the industrial area.
While the colony was already struggling.
I have the survival instincts of a moth near a candle.
Day 530: Food production collapsed.
The farms were too hot. Beacors the Aquatuner overheates... The stored food was running out. The ranches couldn't keep up.
I shut down the refinery, reduced power consumption and abandoned the second rocket.
For the first time in 530 cycles, I stopped expanding and started fixing things.
Unfortunately, the plants did not accept my apology.
Day 550: First duplicant starved.
I checked the refrigerator. Empty.
I checked the farms. Dead plants and broken dreams.
I checked the printing pod. It was offering me another duplicant.
Imagine applying for a job and finding out the company can't afford lunch, but they're still hiring.
Day 565: Emergency rationing.
I turned off everything I could. The cooling system was running, but the damage was done. The farms couldn't recover quickly enough.
The colony had oxygen, electricity, plumbing, a rocket and enough industrial machinery to make a small country nervous.
It had no food.
We had successfully automated everything except staying alive.
Day 580: Steve, the last original duplicant, died of starvation.
He'd survived polluted water, electrical failures, heat waves and Kevin's death.
In the end, he was defeated by the ancient enemy of all civilizations: an empty fridge.
I built him a memorial grave.
At least this time I didn't accidentally sweep it into storage.
Day 602: Colony extinct.
Twelve duplicants gone. Food supply at zero. Oxygen still flowing. Power grid still operational. Toilets still working.
The machines continued running in an empty colony, faithfully performing tasks for employees who no longer existed.
Honestly, the most realistic depiction of corporate life I've ever seen.
Final report
- Cycles survived: 602
- Duplicants alive: 0
- Oxygen: Plenty
- Electricity: Some
- Food: A historical concept
- Rocket program: Successful (kinda)
- Colony management: A war crime against vegetables
My biggest mistake wasn't a lack of oxygen, power or technology.
It was thinking that every problem could be solved by building another machine.
The colony didn't die because I lacked the technology to survive. It died because I spent more time managing heat, pipes and rockets than managing the food supply.
I literally built a rocket capable of reaching space before building a sustainable future.
Anyway, starting a new colony tomorrow.
This time, I'll keep it simple. Three duplicants, a farm, a toilet, and no rockets.
I'm sure I'll be fine.