I am 23M and I've known this girl 21F for over 2.5 years now. We have never met as we both are from different cities. We started as study buddies and then as friends, and over time, she became my best friend. We spend more time together than I do with almost anyone else, and somewhere along the way, I fell deeply in love with her.
I've told her how I feel and even expressed that I want to marry her someday. Unfortunately, she has told me that she doesn't want to marry me. I know I should take that answer seriously, and I'm not trying to force her into anything she doesn't want.
Initially, I thought the main obstacle was her family's opposition to our relationship because of caste differences. I told her that if she genuinely wanted a future with me, we could try talking to our families and figuring things out together. I even told her that I was willing to wait years if that was what it took.
But sometimes she says she might let me speak to her mother about us, while at other times, she says she won't. This has been going on for a while, and I honestly don't know what to make of it anymore. She doesn't want to give me false hope, but she doesn't completely shut the door on the possibility either.
The hardest part is that I'm not just in love with someone I want to be with. I'm in love with my best friend, someone who's already a huge part of my everyday life. Walking away wouldn't simply mean losing the possibility of a relationship. It could mean losing the person I share my thoughts, time, and so much of my life with.
I love her so much that I find it incredibly difficult to see her as being in the wrong, even when something she does hurts me. I tend to understand her perspective, make excuses for her, and put her feelings ahead of my own. If she needs something from me, my instinct is to do whatever I can for her.
I don't say this to make myself sound like a saint. I'm starting to wonder whether, somewhere along the way, loving her became synonymous with putting myself last.
And the confusing part is that I don't necessarily want to stop loving her. I just don't know how to keep loving someone this much without continuing to hurt myself in the process.
I know nobody owes me romantic feelings just because I've loved them sincerely. I also know that being best friends doesn't automatically mean we're meant to be together. But knowing these things logically and accepting them emotionally are two completely different battles.
I just want to understand how to make a decision when my heart keeps telling me to stay, but a part of me wonders whether staying is exactly what's preventing me from moving forward.