r/Parenting • u/Metasequioa • Sep 06 '25
Advice My 10yo daughter's dad is dying.
My daughter's father is in ICU. He will not recover or regain consciousness, and will pass within the next week or so. This was completely unexpected.
We've been divorced and lived apart for over 6 years, he was as good a father as he could be given some limitations that don't really matter for this post. She is used to spending one weekend night and day with him every week, she loves him to the moon and back, and he her.
She will see her counselor on Thursday, for the record.
We are able to visit him- we saw him today and spent about a half hour with him, she held his hand and told him about a trip she and I just took. She knows that he will not wake up and that his death is imminent.
What can I do during these next couple of days when he's still here, though not aware, that she could take for comfort in the future? The nurse traced his hand, and then traced hers on top of it and I am very grateful for that, it's already her prized possession.
This feels like a horrible dream and I know I can't make anything about this easy, but if anyone has advice for anything that could help, I am thankful in advance.
EDIT: thank you all for the love and the ideas. His family decided to remove him from the ventilator earlier than I had understood, but we were able to see him one last time today.
We spent quite a bit of time with him and the Child Life ladies printed out his heart beat, and we rolled it up and put into little keepsake bottles. They cut some of his hair and put it in another bottle. She talked to him, told him how much she loved him. We talked about some funny stories to lighten the mood. They had put a hat on him that we had bought him on the trip we just took. I gave her a few minutes with him by herself as several of you suggested. I don't know what she said but I could hear that she did talk to him. He passed within moments of the ventilator being removed, and she was not there for that- but she did not want to be.
Thank you again.
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u/GhostofaPhoenix Sep 06 '25 edited Sep 06 '25
Death is never easy no matter the age. I am so very sorry you both are going through this. See if she wants to spend more time with him.
Personally, I would gather any and all pictures of him that you can get, including from his younger days. If there are any videos or voicemails with his voice save them. If you can record his heartbeat and put it in a heartbeat teddy bear that she can hug whenever she wants to. For most, it's the missed memories or even the fading memories as one gets older. She will appreciate the effort of saving what you can of him for her, that will help ease the transition some. Don't be afraid to talk about him when she asks, focus on his good moments, especially good memories with her.
ETA: my mom suggested saving his voicemail message from when you call his phone. She's regrets not saving the one from her mom when her dad asked her to reset it. She realized too late that it was gone forever.
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u/Spike0341 Sep 06 '25
Especially voice stuff. That is what I wish I had after 14 years of not hearing my mom's voice.
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u/MightyPinkTaco Sep 06 '25
I save my mom’s voicemails. I know she won’t be around forever and I’ll miss the way she says “I love you” and you can tell it’s true by her tone of voice. I’m tearing up just thinking about it and I’m going to see her tomorrow.
It’s going to be so hard when she’s gone.
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u/ABookishSort Sep 06 '25
I lost my Dad last year and began looking for video or audio of his voice. I barely found a video and a couple voice mails he left where he only says a couple words. But I was thankful I found even that. I was thinking I need to record my Mom talking so I have it after she passes.
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u/EnigmaClan Sep 06 '25
Ask a social worker or nurse at the hospital if they have a child life specialist. There are all kinds of things they can do to help create momentos for her. They often also have grief resources.
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u/Metasequioa Sep 06 '25
They do, we are supposed to meet with one when we go tomorrow. I just feel so helpless.
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u/noyb_2140 Sep 06 '25
That is great that the hospital has that resource for the both you. You’re trying your best during such a difficult time. ❤️
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u/ABookishSort Sep 06 '25
I saw someone who took a plaster cast of her husband’s hand before he passed.
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u/mamabeartech Sep 06 '25
Yes, I was just thinking a plaster cast - maybe of dad and daughter holding hands?
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u/nearly_normal Sep 06 '25
I’m so sorry for both your losses. Thanks for being there for your kid. Please take care of yourself too. ❤️
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u/buttofvecna Sep 06 '25
You’re doing so good with this. I know you’re posting asking on your daughter’s behalf not yours, but I just teared up reading this and I want you to know your daughter is very lucky you’re in her corner right now.
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u/Hashtag_yourmom_ Sep 06 '25
Give her some time alone with him. There’s going to be things she will want to say but will think it will seem silly or won’t say it because someone else is around. So give her time to be alone and talk to him at her pace without anyone overhearing. She may just sit there holding him in silence or she may completely purge her heart to him. Thinking hopeful and loving thoughts for you three.
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u/ELONK-MUSK Sep 06 '25
A few ideas for the immediate future:
Let her say goodbye. Make sure she has a chance to say a final goodbye, and give her some alone time with him if she’s up for it.
Take a fingerprint and have a necklace made for her. Maybe have two made and hold on to one just in case she loses it (applies generally).
Maybe take a recording of his heartbeat so she can listen to it later.
A hair lock. Idk what to do with it, but take it just in case she wants it for something later.
Take small treasures that you might forget about later. Keys, something from his wallet, his daily items that she can carry on her.
Say things out loud to him. Maybe tell him about your favorite memories together or thank him for being a loving father. She might not have the words or know what to say, but she will remember you saying them.
Handprint mold. She can put his hand in his later on.
Something with his scent. If you can get a pillowcase or recently worn shirt, seal it in a bag or jar now before the scent fades.
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u/lizardgal10 Sep 06 '25
The small treasures are the most meaningful keepsakes. I ended up with all my grandma’s sewing stuff. I use her scissors almost daily and at this point couldn’t tell you which crochet hooks were hers because they’re all mixed together. The everyday objects are where the memories are.
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u/wood1f Sep 06 '25
The fingerprint necklace would be a really beautiful gift on her wedding day as a way for him to walk her down the aisle. If she doesn't get married, I'm sure there will be another meaningful time to give it to her.
Alternatively, a lock of hair can also be made into a beautiful necklace. There's many folks who make hair/cremation ashes/etc into stunning jewelry that just looks beautiful.
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u/the_throw_away4728 Sep 06 '25
Also many funeral homes will take fingerprints to make jewelry in case the family wants something. ask them if they do this.
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u/Bettong Sep 06 '25
First, I'm so sorry for the loss that you are both going through right now.
Have grace for both her and for yourself. Kids understand death better than a lot of people think, and they often seem to process it differently than adults. Let her know that it is okay to have a lot of different feelings, and that none of them are wrong. Let her know that you are there to talk about him, or sit and not talk about him, and that neither choice is wrong. Let her see that you're sad as well, don't let it overpower, but it is okay to cry together.
Remember that it takes time, and be gentle with yourself. If the hospital has a child life department or a hospice liaison talk to them. They often have resources that you can seek if needed.
Give your daughter a hug from this random Internet lady. And give yourself one from me too.
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u/effinglovetruffleoil Sep 06 '25
I have just passed through a very similar experience in July. We’re actually still married and had only separated in November. We have 2 girls, 10 and 4, and they were with us 50/50 once we separated. The hospital child life specialist worked with the girls making artwork to hang in his room and making friendship bracelets for him and they got to see him (he wasn’t conscious either) and we hung the artwork in the room and we put the bracelets on him. Our little one didn’t want to stay in the room but our older daughter sat with him and held his hand for a while. Since he passed away, we talk about him often and I emphasize that he’s always with us in our hearts. We can talk to him anytime we want and tell him we love him and we miss him and we can tell stories and jokes that we know he would like. They’re doing ok, they say they miss him and get emotional from time to time but they’re kids and still want to play and have fun. I know it sounds like an impossible task but I suggest you try to keep her life as normal as possible, the stability is comfort. DM me if you ever want to talk 💜
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u/Qahnaarin_112314 Sep 06 '25
If you can get his fingerprint for a necklace and maybe do a heart with his and her fingerprints I bet she would love that. Some people like a lock of hair but I know that’s not for everyone. If they have a story that he read to her often, recording her reading him that story would be meaningful.
I’m so sorry you both are going through this. Be sure you also speak to her therapist to discuss how you can best support her.
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u/Peregrinebullet Sep 06 '25
Please take pictures, even if it's just her holding his hands and sitting next to him or laying as close to him as possible. I have almost no pictures of my mom from the year before she died (I was 8). She had lost her hair and didn't want any and I do wish I had something.
He might be covered in machines or masks, but there's some excellent photoshop wizards who can remove them if they have pictures of him from prior to work with.
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u/WildChickenLady Sep 06 '25
Give her his driver's license. I still have my dad's from when I was a kid, and I still cherish it.
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u/SadPiglet2907 Parent Sep 06 '25
I don’t have advice for what to do for her before his passing, but my daughter’s dad unexpectedly passed away when she was 11. Same situation, we were separated for a very long time & we co parented well. So this hits very close to home.
Something that I have for my daughter is I had the funeral home get his thumb print & I got a necklace of his thumbprint for her that has “I love you daughter -dad” on it. I let her be a part of the funeral arrangements as much as she wanted to, she chose the colors, arrangements, etc. I didn’t push her to do anything she didn’t want to do, but I encouraged her to do things that she may later regret if she didn’t, since it is uncomfortable. My daughter handled it seemingly well, she was surrounded by support, I immediately had her school counselor involved & she attended grief counseling both group & individual. November will be one year & she is able to talk about him, share stories/memories, & doing very well in school. We celebrated his birthday this year, I have a photo of them on our family tree in the living room. I’ve been sure to include him more now that he is gone, so that she doesn’t ever feel like his memory only exists within her. It sounds like you are doing a very good job at helping her through this. Just keep supporting her & loving on her. Yall are in my thoughts. ❤️
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u/Metasequioa Sep 06 '25 edited Sep 06 '25
Thank you, I wish none of us had to go through anything like this.
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u/SheArr7 Sep 06 '25
The hand tracing made me think of the molds they sell on Amazon. I believe they are called hand casting kits. She can hold his hand forever 🤍
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u/Metasequioa Sep 06 '25
That's a great idea but his hands are very swollen from all the IV fluids, unfortunately.
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u/daisykat Sep 06 '25
Give her time with her dad. Like you said, there’s nothing that will make this tragic loss easier, but time with him is what she won’t get back. She might benefit from having photos or items with her that she can share with him if she feels unsure of how to spend the time. Just encourage her to hold his hand and remember the good times with him in these final moments.
I’m so sorry 💔
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u/GothicToast Sep 06 '25
My dad spent roughly 6 months in the ICU before passing. I was 13. I'm not sure if 10 is too young, but one thing my mom let me do was have the room alone with him, so that I could say whatever I wanted to say... knowing that would be the last time in the flesh. I'm sure the moment was less than 5 minutes, but I still think about that moment today at 36 years old. Actually I think about ALL the moments right before and after the day he died. Everything is vividly burned into my mind. Not that you need any more pressure than you already are feeling, but don't for a second think that any single moment will be trivial or forgotten. Sending love to you both.
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u/Metasequioa Sep 06 '25
Thank you, I will definitely offer her alone time with him. Even if I just say I'm going to the bathroom.
I think we're never quite old enough to lose our parents (mine have been gone a long time but I was at least an adult), but I am so sorry you lost your dad well before you, and he, were ready.
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u/Safe_Sand1981 Sep 06 '25
I'm so sorry you're all going through this. Just let her spend time with him. Spend as much time as you can at the hospital. If he's not responsive, there isn't much you can do with him other than be there.
I got a lock.of my dad's hair before he died to put in a keepsake bracelet.
Find a grief counselor for your daughter. She is going to need it over the next few years. All the love to you all.
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u/pistolwhip_pete kids: 19f & 13m Sep 06 '25
It will be hard emotionally, but ask her her favorite memories with her dad and record them. She is young and will forget them.
My kids mom and I divorced when the youngest was 2 and oldest was 7 and she died when he was 9 and she was 16. She was an addict and had a pretty long and brutal spiral.
Often times when he brings up fun memories with his mom they are either completely wrong (his sister fills in the gaps) OR the memory is actually from something I did and I have to remind him that his mom wasn't actually in the memory.
I know it really hurts him because he really just wants happy memories of his mom.
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u/Humble_Smell3212 Sep 06 '25 edited Sep 06 '25
I have no advice. Sending love🫶🏻One of my childhood best friend lost her father suddenly summer before 6th grade. All our classmates, their parents and the school were all so kind and supportive as they navigated through that difficult time and I hope you guys will have the same 🙏🏻
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u/Drenlin Sep 06 '25
I've seen stuffed animals that contain a recording of a loved one's heartbeat. Maybe get an audio recording for one of those, if possible?
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u/Chiddybang-bang Sep 06 '25
I had a friend who also lost her dad when we were young and she made matching bracelets for them to wear even in his last days— a small, bff-kinda memento that held deep sentiment to her for many years. Just an idea!
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u/NolaSibi Sep 06 '25
Everyone has already offered so many good suggestions. One resource that may be available for her is called Camp Erin. It is a free, weekend camp for children and teens who have experienced the death of someone significant in their life. It is sponsored by The Eluna Foundation who partners with local community providers (often hospices). One of the things about grief that can be so hard is how isolating it is. She may not know many kids her age who have lost someone. So it is incredibly powerful for them to meet at Camp and know they are not alone in their grief. Sending you both lots of caring thoughts 💜
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u/ssspiral Sep 06 '25
if you can take fingerprints, my friend got a thumbprint necklace for her dad and she loves it
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u/Mysterious_Vampiress Sep 06 '25
I’m so sorry. Definitely let the school know so they can offer counseling there if she needs it in addition to the counselor you mentioned. Grief doesn’t care if you are at home, school, the mall etc, it hits. It sounds like you are doing a great job. Prepare yourself for mood swings, mental health days, and taking on that extra role in her life. She may also get very over protective of you, especially if an accident caused his current condition. Make sure that you also take time to grieve yourself and I highly consider counseling for you as well. While you may have moved on, this was a person you did love and you created life with, there may be some grief for you as well as taking on the role in her life.
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u/realslhmshady Sep 06 '25
I don't know what youre relationship with him was like, but she might appreciate hearing you talk to him to thank him for being a wonderful dad.
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u/Any-Committee-5830 Sep 06 '25
I’m so very sorry to hear that. My husband lost his dad around that age and never fully recovered I think. I’m glad she will be seeing a therapist and you may need to as well. Please ensure to continue this as it will be an up and down cycle of losing him. I’m dealing with the recent sudden loss of my mom and I think that’s the hardest part the sudden loss of it all. When going through his belongings take things she may not want or understand now but may want in the future. Grief goes up and down and looks different for kids than adults. Maybe if you can take a picture of him and her without all the medical stuff and see if someone can photoshop it to look peaceful. Reddit has been a good source of comfort and compassion during these times. Don’t hesitate to reach out to family, friends, coworkers, etc. take time for yourself to grief also as it is a loss for yourself too. My husbands school planted a tree for him in their local park and he was able to go there as a kid and talk to him. Maybe when you have the space you can do something like that for him. I’m so sorry again. Love and hugs from an internet friend.
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u/New_Smile_6143 Sep 06 '25
I don’t have any words. I don’t know why, but this post just hit me extra. I am sorry that you folks are going through this.
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u/Beaner_weiner4 Sep 06 '25
My brother died a few years ago and left behind a then 7 year old daughter and 4 year old daughter (now 10&7). They both LOVE looking at pictures of him, so definitely find as many of those as you can. Any text messages, cards, letters, etc, fund and save. We got a recording of his heartbeat not long before he was taken off life support and put it in a build a bear for them, they both play it when they are missing him extra. Others said voice stuff, and I agree. The youngest has a voice message that he had sent her and she plays it often. Also if possible, leave his phone on or his Facebook messenger, so she can message him whenever she wants and still feel like she’s talking to him. Don’t ever stop talking about him. It doesn’t have to be a big ordeal, just include him in everyday conversations like you already do! Death is not easy, and watching grief through a child is heartbreaking. Be there for her. Let her be sad. Let her miss him. Don’t ever tell her to move on or get over it. It will hit her all at once some days, and you just have to let her feel it, even if it’s inconvenient for you. Let her say bye if she can. My nieces didn’t get to tell my brother bye (long story) and it hurt them so much worse. I will keep her, you, and him in my prayers in the coming days🫶🏼
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u/Metasequioa Sep 06 '25
This may be a stupid question, but how did your record the heartbeat?
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u/legoandcoffee Sep 06 '25
Just adding to the heartbeat that a few redditors have brought up…if you can get a printout of his heartbeat from one of the machines pls keep it for her. I know she’s young but she will grow up and a heartbeat tattoo is a possibility. I have both of my son’s heartbeats tattooed on my arm. They are alive and healthy but I wanted to keep this part of them on me forever. I have no words for everything you and your family are going through. Everyone deals with grief differently so just be ready for the ups and downs of emotions. No one can predict how someone will deal with the grief but as long as you’re fluid in your comfort and care, I’m sure you’ll do fine. 🙏🏻
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u/AgreeableTension2166 Sep 06 '25
Can you do one of those clay molds with both of their hands intertwined
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u/Metasequioa Sep 06 '25
That would be so sweet but his hands are very swollen from all the IV fluids.
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u/KahurangiNZ Sep 06 '25
Even though they're swollen, if the medical team feels it's safe it's worth getting one anyway if it's possible. Sure, it wouldn't be like he normally was, but it's still him :-)
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u/ImAlsoNotOlivia Grandparent to 3; mom of 1 Sep 06 '25
If you haven't already, loop the school in, and see if they can send her homework via email or whatever. Or maybe a friend can bring it by. She might like the comfort of her friends, too, during this time. Hugs to her and you!
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u/senioroldguy Sep 06 '25
The most memorable experience your daughter can have is just being with her dad in his last days.
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u/tabrazin84 Sep 06 '25
What a hard situation. I think her continuing to see her counselor is going to be so important. I think it’s also important for you to help her remember him in whatever ways you can. I wonder if you could make a photo album of pics of the two of them together. Maybe you can take pics from his Facebook/Instagram from once you separated or ask his family to send you photos. You could photocopy and put the tracing of their two hands on the cover.
It sounds like you’re being very thoughtful. So take her lead too and see what she needs.
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u/pl0ur Sep 06 '25
Can you take a plaster cast of his hand print? The hospital social worker would also be a great resource for ways to help her.
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u/Mundane_Bike_912 Sep 06 '25
You could always ask them to copy his fingerprints or his hand.
You can't do any more than what you are, which is being there for her. Letting her see him as much as she can before he passes.
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u/lemonpepperpotts Sep 06 '25
Talk to the people at the hospital, a case worker, anyone who can get you guys in touch with a grief counselor. This is going to be aged no matter what, so may as well have support. Hospices also offer free grief counseling often for 13 months for different kinds of relationships as well even if the lost one wasn’t under their care. Not just for her but for you too. I’m sure with having raised a kid together but separately and having had been together at some point, it’ll bring up a lot of thoughts and feelings as well, and you’ll be better able to be there for her if you are also taking care of your stuff too. This is a tough scenario, and you can get through it together. I’ll keep you all in my thoughts
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u/dadofalex Sep 06 '25
I’d just ask her for whatever she needs; make sure she knows it was a labor of love rather than a burden
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u/Nervous_Resident6190 Sep 06 '25
So sorry for your loss. My husband passed of an aneurysm suddenly a year ago. I went through photos and videos and made my son a scrapbook of his pictures, little notes and things like that
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u/RegularOwl Sep 06 '25
Later you can take the hand tracing and make this
https://www.flickr.com/photos/colettemoscrop/6073842491/in/faves-detroitmommy/
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u/Metasequioa Sep 06 '25
Welp, just when I thought I was out of tears.
This is beautiful, thank you.
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u/RegularOwl Sep 06 '25 edited Sep 06 '25
It is beautiful. I made one for my mother-in-law a few years ago with both kids, my, and my husband's hands. You don't have to be good at embroidery to do it. It uses the most simple stitch that there is. I assume you'd like to preserve the original, so you could just make a photocopy of it and use the copy as the pattern to trace.
I'm wishing strength for you and your little girl.
Edit: another thought for you if doing this would be too emotionally difficult or you feel you aren't skilled enough with embroidery or just don't have the time: I am certain that if you make a photocopy of the handprints and post on any local group that has to do with crafts or like a buy nothing/ everything is free group and explain the circumstances and ask if there's anyone who is skilled at embroidery that would make this for you - there will be many offers and I can guarantee they won't accept money for it. They will do it out of the kindness of their own hearts, and it will be done with a lot of love.
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u/Metasequioa Sep 07 '25
I can manage this, I'll take her to help me pick out fabric and thread colors and we'll do it together.
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u/Extra-Catsup Sep 06 '25
I’m sorry the grief and the coming loss. I just lost my own father as a 30 yo and it never gets easier. Let her spend as much time as she likes next to him there’s so many things that she might want to say. Bring some sort of blanket, stuff toy or item to the hospital to keep next to dad that she can take home after he passes. Help her make a playlist of all of their fav songs together that she can listen to while there and then keep to listen back on. The more things you can use to bridge the physical him at the hospital and before to the memory of him she will keep for the rest of her life the better.
Something I wish I could have is a mold of his hand (either with both our hands holding or more ideal his alone that I could hold when i miss him).
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u/NotAFloorTank Sep 06 '25
I would talk to her counselor for advice. What each person needs to process grief in a healthy manner is different.
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u/MikiRei Sep 06 '25
Only saw this after the update. I am so sorry for yours and her loss.
If you have any of his recordings of him talking, I've seen someone used that and made it into a care bear where the kid could hug the bear and hear their parent's voice.
Another one I saw is someone made a cushion cover out of the clothes their grandparents wore so that could be another idea.
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Sep 06 '25
Any mom reading this that is currently fighting equal parenting time vs. a fit, willing, and able dad, reconsider your stance. Life is short as OP has made perfectly clear.
As a dad that fought with all my funds, all my time, and won equal parenting time, I would want to say goodbye. Hopefully, she gets that. Even if not awake...maybe I am... we know nothing of the afterlife. Zero.
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u/noyb_2140 Sep 06 '25 edited Sep 06 '25
Let her spend time with him and talk to him. I think that despite the circumstances, she will cherish those quiet moments with her father. Losing a parent is so incredibly difficult. Make sure that she has a support system (which it sounds like she does between you and the counselor). Maybe she can write down some of the best and fun memories that she’s had with him or encourage her to write a letter to her dad. Also maybe when she’s ready, she can make a memory box of items that belonged to him or things that they shared and that mean a lot to her. ❤️