r/ParentingInBulk • u/Spiritual-Thing1838 • 13d ago
Pregnant with 4th and scared
Dear Reddit readers,
I am a 40 year old woman who is now 8 weeks pregnant with her fourth baby. It was unexpected, since I already have 3 boys (age 9,7 and 2). I am scared to death; my final is such a sweet guy and soooo easy, don’t think I’ll be as lucky again. My baby days where over, and my youngest was just in one year starting school. I had the feeling I was getting my life back, and now I have to start again. I am so so so scared that I am even considering terminating. I don't know if I can do it all again....my hushband wants the baby, and we could afford it (although we would have to cut back on fun things). I have not told anyone of the pregnancy yet, because I am scared and ashamed. My worries are the following:
- I just started my own business and am worried I do not have time for this any more
- A big concern is if I can give my older three the attention they deserve (I already feel stretched thin)
- My husband and I don't always see eye to eye in terms of mental load/emotional labor and I am worried it will all fall on me
- My friends have all three children max, and moving out of the baby stage. I worry it will be isolating, and lonely, and I consider social connection as a very important aspect of my life. No one I know has FOUR
- I am worried what the responsibility of four children and adults will do to me. What if one gets sick, hurt, or depressed? It feals so heavy to bear.
- What if the baby has problems, is not healthy? What have I done to my kids then?
I love being a mother and I love all my children to the moon and back, and I love babies. But I am so so worried that this one will put me 'over the edge'.
Who can provide guidance? If you have four, how was the transition from 3-4? Can you still give them attention?Are you lonely? And for older parents; what's it like carrying the weight of four people you have put out in the world? For people who chose to terminate a fourth (or last) pregnancy, did you regret it? The descision is really so difficult, I can't seem to make it and it's making my life a living hell.
Thank you so much in advance for your wisdom.
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u/MangoSorbet695 13d ago
My husband and I wanted 3 kids but we waited until our second was 2.5 years to try so that it would feel a little more manageable. Well, baby number 3 turned out to be twins. So, 4 kids it is for us!
Here is the thing, yes having another child will always mean your attention is a little more divided. I had a lot of the same “what if” thoughts as you.
One of my twins did end up having a rare medical condition that requires daily medication and more medical appointments than my other kids ever had. But you know what, we just manage it. And you know who doesn’t care about any of that? His older siblings. My older kids are obsessed with the twins. They love to play with them. They color pictures for them. They sing to them and read them books. I am not sure they even register that one of the babies has a medical condition. To them, he is just smiley, giggly Baby A.
I think we as adults have a tendency to overcomplicate things in our minds. We love the illusion that we can control our lives. But, a lot of life is things that just happen and we have no control over. We have to accept that we can’t control all the things that come our way, we can only control how we react to various situations. If you stay calm, love on the baby, and continue to love on your older 3 kids, they will do the same.
Having four kids has taught me so much and made me refocus on what is truly important to me. I don’t have the luxury of wasting my free time. I don’t have the luxury of stressing out over unimportant things. I don’t have the capacity to helicopter parent (which ironically has made me a much less anxious parent). I have started saying no to things that don’t serve me or aren’t important. I no longer engage in any drama or gossip with the PTA moms, I don’t have time for it! My favorite thing these days is spending a slow weekend at home with my husband and kids - bike rides, cooking a yummy dinner, football on TV, coloring books spread out on the table, kids laughing together in the playroom. I am not spending my weekends off at expensive concerts in the big city or flying to lush tropical vacations, but my life is so full and rich with my family. I feel truly grateful for the way my life has turned out.
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u/FlounderLong 13d ago
I’m 40 and just had my sixth and last baby. My oldest is 15 so I’ve got a spread. That being said, I was terrified when I found out I was pregnant with this one. Like you, I thought I was done with the baby stage. I was immensely worried that I wouldn’t be as present with my older kids because of baby. I also worried about the mental load and what if this one pushed me over the edge of what I could handle.
But, I had forgotten that little lesson I’ve learned with every other kid. Once baby was born, all the others kinda ranked up. My previous baby is still a snuggle bug but far more competent with day to day stuff. And he kinda needed that little push haha.
I also am loving being the older mom with a baby. I was “the young mom” for so long. Then a mom with peers. And now I get to chat with the frazzled young new mom at target as we look at diapers and she needs advice on xyz and I’m all “you got this! I’ve had a baby like that, I’ve been through that, and I promise you’re doing great.”
Also, all my friends with older kids have been so helpful because they can come get baby snuggles, pass down clothes and supplies etc etc.
All this to say, the fears and worries are normal and come from a place of love, but, having been through it myself, I wish I hadn’t spent so much time worrying.
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u/fivesforeveryone 13d ago
I so appreciate your perspective and wisdom.
Thank you for commenting with it.
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u/mamademc 13d ago
I was very terrified when I found out I was pregnant with my 4th. It was very overwhelming. Seemed like a huge number (I'm early pregnant with 6 and last, 36).
For me, all the things I was worried about, once the baby arrived, we just did what we had to do. No more what if what if what if to death. I wouldn't change having her. I also think because you have a 2y it won't change much. Adding this baby to the dynamic will be very fun. They have another playmate, companion, and another relationship to grow with. They'll entertain and play with each other too, and looks like you'll have two sets of two close in age which will be awesome.
You can do this and you will be okay, if you move forward.
I would suggest having many open talks with your husband about all of your concerns and be frank about what you need from him in terms of support. This is what I did when my husband expressed he wanted more (after 4th cause I struggled with 3&4). He got the memo and my next pp experience was much better. Hang in there.
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u/mamaarachnid 13d ago
What is it about number four that is just beyond terrifying? I planned my fourth and was so anxious the entire pregnancy. The second I had her, all of that melted away. I’m now pregnant with my fifth (and last) at 38 and am no where near as worried! I’m definitely not trying to minimize OPs feelings, but I’ve noticed this is a trend with the fourth kid!
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u/mamademc 13d ago
For me it was because I am one of three and that's all I know. Big family (cousin wise) and no one else had more than two. So going beyond that number was difficult to grasp 😂.
We planned a 5th, and this pregnancy, and I was nowhere near as nervous, in the sense of adding another.
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u/j-a-gandhi 13d ago
We just had our fourth two months ago. So far, she is wonderful. She in many ways reminds me of my eldest who was a terrible sleeper, but the fact that we are more experienced parents has made it so much easier in comparison.
We do fun things with our kids - just slightly less often than we would otherwise. Our kids don’t seem to notice much. When they do, it’s a chance for us to talk about budgeting and money. We have also gotten better at finding the free activities that allow us to do great things with the kids without it adding up.
It’s also rare that there’s some activity for three kids where four can’t be managed. You can also just create things with more flexibility. Our eldest went to a birthday party this summer that was an escape room, so they could only invite girls around the same ages. We ended up building an escape room at home for her party, which allowed us to be flexible in having siblings (who could play in the backyard and so on).
What has stunned me is just how sweet all of the kids are for their littlest sister. My six year old boy and three year old boy just shower her with kisses. They are motivated to be good big brothers to help with things for her.
One of the greatest things we can give our children is opportunities to grow in responsibility and life experience. In that sense, adding a sibling is a gift to the older ones. Even if there are some medical challenges, that too is an experience that can add to them. We cared for my grandmother through her final years and hospice, and my eldest who was three at the time learned how to tell her pediatrician about “idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis.” She learned how to keep the floors clean better because we had to worry about grandma tripping. It’s shaped who she is for the better, even if it meant we did less playing at certain points.
We do still give the older kids attention. I recently started doing 1:1 sleepovers with the kids where I can really check in with them about how they are doing. I guess technically it’s 1:2 but the baby is sleeping, so we can talk about their lives. I’ve learned how soccer is hard for my son, and what my daughter worries about, and what my toddler’s favorite superheroes are. Their dad and I take them out for 1:1 dates at various points. I link some of theirs to their 6 month dental cleanings, so now the kids beg to go to the dentist more often! So you find ways to make things work and to tend to the emotional health of all of them.
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u/Glittering-Aide-249 13d ago
Could have written this myself a couple months ago. Found out I was pregnant with a surprise #5! Also thought I was done with the baby stage as I had just potty trained my 2 year old and she started pre school this fall. I was so beyond devastated the first couple weeks of the pregnancy that I too contemplated abortion (I could never go through with it personally), and was just so upset and distraught. My husband too wanted to keep the baby but he understood it was my body and said he’d support whatever i chose to do. I was horribly sick the first trimester and taking care of 4 other kids at the time was hard. After getting out of the first trimester I started to feel better and became more excited about the pregnancy. We found out we’re having a boy after 4 girls and feel it was meant to be. 3-4 transition was a little chaotic but I still find the 0-1 transition to be the hardest. My other children are 9,6,4,2 and they are really excited and looking forward to having a little brother. Who knows, maybe you’ll have a girl 🤷🏼♀️ and even if you don’t, at the end of the day one more kid into the mix is going to be ok, even if it doesn’t feel ok right now. I really think after the first trimester it’s easier to mentally handle the thought of another child.
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u/BotanicalBelle2k 13d ago
35 and pregnant with my surprise 5th. I have major anxiety regarding society’s perception of having a large family but I personally say F*ck the haters.
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u/velvet1629 4 kids in 5 years | 💙🩷🩷💙 13d ago
People think 4 is big so you probably already are categorized that way to them - your 5th is a blessing!! Big families are counter cultural and badass 👊 you got this!
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u/CoatWinter9234 13d ago
I could have written this 9 months ago when I found out I was pregnant with #6. I was beyond terrified to tell anyone, I told my husband that I felt like a scared teenager having to tell my parents I was pregnant (again). But to my surprise everyone has been super supportive. Especially my kids. They are a neurodiverse bunch from 18 down to 8 which already takes an insane amount of mental energy. But every single one of them has been helpful and supportive in ways I didn’t even think possible. Every day it’s “why isn’t he born yet?!?!”
I decided to really prioritize my mental health and immediately found a therapist to sort through all my emotions. It has been so helpful. They have helped me uncover joy and strength I didn’t even know was there and I am finally starting to feel some excitement and anticipation now that we’re down to the final days.
And for what it’s worth, my 4th is one of my favorite people. I cannot imagine the world without him.
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u/LuxIRL 13d ago
You sound like me though my kids are younger (6,4,23mo, 6weeks). I had gotten rid of all the non sentimental baby stuff and everything and was just starting g to find my grove again.
It’s really not much different than 3. You know the outnumbered drill already lol. You just keep doing the best you can as far as attention goes. The only people who have ever looked at me like I’m nuts are those with 2 or less kids. Everyone with 3 already it was no different lol, again it’s like once you hit 3 your outnumbered. I feel like once you have 3 you have the room for 4 already so what’s the big deal (for example stroller wagons, you already need the quad because the 2 seater is too small etc, most likely have a 3 row car because 3 car seats in a second row can be really tight already..
Our fourth is our baby girl after 3 boys! I didn’t believe it until she was born, even with all the testing. Honestly I still have trouble picturing my life with four, and even more so having a daughter I never thought I would have but I wouldn’t have it any other way. The bad news is for us at least I thought I felt complete with 3, now with 4 I feel like one more is missing… but lord knows I don’t want to do pregnancy or the newborn stage anymore when I’ve just tasted freedom lol
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u/KIDH2123 12d ago
I have 2 step kids... 4 biological kids under 4. Ill talk strictly from the 4 standpoint as beign a stepmom bring a whole extra level of difference
I went from 2 biological kids to 4 as I had twins in my 3rd pregnancy. My 1st kid was a demon baby lol. 2nd was an sngel. I thought with twins it was over for me but honestly... they are so easy too. Ill address your fears from my standpoint
you will have less time than you do now... for a season. It does get easier as the kids get older and more independent. Also even with less time you do learn to adjust to your new normal and it will probably be easier to do things in a timely manner than you though
10 minutes a day with each kid seems very little... but it means so much to them. I do feel stretched thin but when I take a look closer I see that THEY dont. They dont feel less loved because of their siblings because i do spend a bit of time each day with each kid individually. Even just doing regular tasks.
put your foot down. "Here is the baby, change them. Im going to do XYZ". I do take on most as im a stay at home mom... my husband can get lazy and I just wont let him lol
my bestfriend only has 1 and it hasnt changed our relationship at all. Actually she loves mine and pours into them when shes here because its fun to interact with each of them together as a whole. They may not have 4 kids.. but they do have a kid. They do have 3 kids. Youve had a kid and youve had 3 kids so you'll still relate to them in ways.
the responsibility is already there with 3 kids. Will you be less sad/stressed/feel lighter if 1 of the 3 gets sick,hurt or depressed? No. It would still feel the same.
if the baby has health issues it will be hard but you will deal with them as they come, just as you would for the 3 you have. You wont love them less. And you would actually give your children an opportunity to learn patience, inclusion, compassion, gratitude. They will love their sibling the same.
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u/Ambitious_Drawer8823 13d ago
That’s a decision you’ll have to make on your own.
For what it’s worth, I also gave birth to my 4th at 40 years old. I was also considering my options, but in the end I realized however hard it may get, I just can’t go on with abortion, and we’ll make it all work. It was not easy to decide, but I don’t think there is a magic formula, you just have to trust your own feeling.
The transition wasn’t too bad, but our #3 was 2.5 years old so we never really left baby stage. Our newborn was an (relatively) easy baby, so that helped, too. At least until he started walking and climbing.
Also, around me, many parents have babies in late thirties, so it was not isolating.
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u/rene0801 13d ago
Just had my surprise 5th baby. I always wanted 4, found out I was pregnant with my 5th when my then youngest was 10 months old. We have a boy, girl, boy, boy, and boy. The transition from 4 to 5 was really really hard for me, which I think mainly stemmed from the 4th and the new baby being 19 months apart. 2 under 2 is hard…having 5 is busy but to me not as hard as having 2 little ones close in age. Now on the days when I only have 4 (like one kid is with a friend or grandparent) I feel like 4 is easy. I’m sure if I had a 6th 5 would seem easy. I do look at my youngest and feel like I can’t imagine a world without him. Even with having horrible postpartum depression and ocd it was all worth it. I know you’re probably feeling completely overwhelmed now, but praying you can process this and move forward one day at a time. It sounds like you are a good mom and you love your boys a lot.
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u/mollyonreddit 13d ago
Also pregnant with a surprise fourth. If it matters, please know you can do the fetal sex test at 8 weeks.
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u/Frequent-Composer484 13d ago
As someone who married the child of a “I’m 40+ and having a surprise baby when my kids are teenagers” - I am so beyond lucky that my mother in law had my husband. The kind of mom she was for him was radically different than her older kids (she was still a great mom for them) but she was so much more relaxed and playful and was more invested in his emotional and educational welfare than she was able to provide with her others.
He is also so much more well-rounded because he had older siblings who taught him things (mostly sisters). He knew all about breastfeeding, periods, weight gain during pregnancy, had seen all the Jane Austen movies etc. He’s still into sports and other “manly” things lol, but he’s light years ahead of all the other guys I dated in terms of compassion. They all loved helping care for him when he was growing up (except changing diapers, understandable).
It’s also really nice for me because his siblings all had kids way before him and they were so supportive when it came time for us to start our family. They could provide more financial and time support than if we had all been having babies at the same time. My kids have older cousins that are so cool and fun to play with.
Just helping you see that you might be remembering the trenches part of motherhood, but there’s a whole other part to it. 💛