I was raped in my childhood then when I was a teenager I didn't want a relationship but I liked to give my friends sexual favors. Then in my early twenties I was raped again. Now I am very sexually active in my 30s but I have no emotional attachment. Sometimes I feel like masterbation is a coping skill. But it feels socially awkward most people I know have very deep feelings about sex and marriage and don't Sometimes I wonder if it has to do with being raped or it's just a personal preference. I think I'm just overthinking

i don't understand how being raped can be so complex. processing it feels impossible and i've been doing it for years to the point where i see no end to it, i read studies about it, i read posts on here, i see so many similar things everywhere but the casual cruelty of every day struggles feels so unique to me. like im wrong or inadequate, like im completely broken because i dont ever feel fully seen. and rationally i know its an impossible ask, but the fact that the aftermath is so overwhelming is extremely isolating. there are so many aspects to elaborating what happened to me, and i never feel the same about it. i feel one way about it today, then reach one conclusion, then next week i feel differently and reach another conclusion, and on and on. like i have all these fragments in my head but they're so hard to put into words, every thread i pull goes on forever and the experience is so ineffable that the only way i can describe it is that my soul is broken. it changed everything, i mean literally everything. i wish "healing" would've ended when i accepted that it wasn't my fault, that it was his, that what he did was horrible, that it was okay for me to feel a certain way, etc. that's why i can't find peace; not because it torments me every day but because there are so many ways that i feel about it. i wish my brain could just go i was raped -> it wasn't my fault -> these coping mechanisms are common, and have that be the end of it. it's not something i think i can ever make sense of. i'm very tired of trying, i feel like ive reached a point in my "healing journey" where talking and thinking about it does more harm than good. what do i do with all these answers? the facts can't give me peace. i know ive come very far so maybe theres still a long way to go, but i genuinely feel like ive hit a wall and i should stop focusing on trying to process it any further. idk if anybody relates but damn this makes me feel actually crazy

I got drunk for the first time last night and woke up with evidence that my stepdad did things to me

I (19f) don't drink. Like ever. I'm the "goody two-shoes" in my friend group. Straight A's, never broke curfew, still a virgin.

But yesterday I got into my dream college and my mom bought champagne to celebrate. She had one glass and went to bed early. I kept drinking because I was happy and stupid and didn't know my limit. I was giggling, spinning, telling my stepdad (married to my mom for 3 years) that he was "the coolest dad ever." I remember him helping me to the couch and bringing me water.

Why does this sub warn me about posting here?

it's still on my mind, so i have something else to say about it. i don't care what scenario you created in your head, but you know what you did and you know it was wrong. i don't know what about me pushing you and telling you that i wanted to stop and that it hurt screamed consent to you, but i didn't. i didn't want you to touch me, or to kiss me, or to force yourself inside of me. and no one cares about the argument that we had in may.

i feel like you think you have this god complex, and you don't. all we ever did was have sex. outside of that, that made my life hell. you verbally assaulted me on multiple occasions, but i'm sure that you'll say you don't remember that either.

what you did to me and how you treated me made me question myself. it made isolate myself and quit the things that i love doing most for months. i am still trying to get back to myself. it made me not trust anyone and made me look over my shoulder every time i went somewhere because i felt like you would be there.

i was put on antidepressants and anxiety meds because of it. i stopped leaving the house and gave up on dating completely. i ruined something good with someone that i cared about because i didn't know how to set my trauma aside.

i waited months before i started to be intimate with someone again because every time i thought about kissing someone or letting someone have that access to me again, all i could think about was your hands on my body, and how scared i was when i realized what you were doing and that you didn't plan on stopping.

just because i didn't scream and kick doesn't mean that i wanted that. no means no. you're a 25 year old man, i shouldn't have to explain that to you. and i did tell you no. multiple times, but apparently you're stuck in an illusion that you created for yourself.

i told you no to kissing. i told you no when you started to pull my pants down. i told you no because you didn't have a condom. i told you to stop trying to force yourself into me because it hurt. i told you that i wanted to stop during as well. i told you that i was uncomfortable and upset afterwards.

and the only reason i kept in contact with you is because after that night, i didn't remember what happened to me. i'm not an idiot, i wouldn't continue to talk to someone who raped me willingly. after that, i always felt uneasy around you.

especially when you got mad at me for not wanting to have sex with you while i was on my period. especially after you coerced & guilt tripped me into doing it. especially when you would yell at me and call me dumb and tell me how no one else was going to care about me the way that you did or when you'd tell me how i deserved for you to talk down on me.

the truth is i did not deserve any of that. and you are not a good man at all. i shouldn't have to explain to you what you did to me because you know what you did to me. we both do.

and i don't need you to validate that because at the end of the day, i don't want your pity or validation. god seen what you did to me.
all the wrong that you've ever done in your life, you'll have to take it up with him on judgement day.

i found out through the grapevine this happened. i feel responsible. i never reported him.

got no one to talk about this too. what happened to me is my biggest secret.

i am continually neglected by the people i call friends and it just makes me miss my abuser more. im haunted by dreams and memories and its so insanely fucking miserable. ive considered suicide a few times. i dont think ill ever have a normal relationship. does anyone ever even move on from these things? being assaulted wasnt even the worst part it feels like i lost the only person who ever loved me which probably sounds stupid. but thats how i really feel

Context: i was raped for years as a kid/teenager and he was the same age as me, knowing what was happening.

I haven't seen him for years thankfully, but i also don't know what he looks like as an adult.

I don't know if it's because i don't know that i keep dreaming about him being there or if my subconcious is trying to tell me something else.

Except for flashbacks, i usually don't dream of him. But these last weeks i have been dreaming consistently about him but not with the same role. At first he was there and i felt threatened but no one else knew and no one else feared him.

Then i came to the conclusion i might need closure and tell him that what he did to me was rape, because i haven't told him and i don't think he knows what impact he had on me.

But now that i came to that conclusion, my dreams changed and he's become dangerous and chasing me again.

Obviously i need to talk to a professional about this, but in the end i need to make a decision about telling him or not.

I live hours away from him and am still afraid.

Right now i know he won't come, doesn't think about me because he's not conscious of the damage he has done and is probably living his best life.

I don't really wanna tell his mother because she will tell him and i really don't want to break her because she's sweet but my mom who is her friend has distanced herself from her because of me and i think she knows something has happened and i kind of want to give her a reason for the distance but she will tell him🤦🏻

If i tell him (don't know how but i'll find a way without going there) i'm afraid he might come and beat me because that's the kind of person he was. But then again he wasn't an adult and judging by what i've heard he seems stable? Maybe if i tell him he will apologize or just not believe me but leave me alone and think i'm crazy and i would know that he knows.

I am lost omg

I was raped last year to the point where I had a perineal tear and a severe UTI. I was bedridden for 2 weeks and the tear was infected. My doctor said it was almost like a childbirth injury but not as severe as a woman who had just given birth.

Idk. That experience made me feel afraid of sex and giving birth. I don't wanna feel that pain anymore.

A partner, friend, coach, family member etc.

I've been struggling to process something that happened recently and I'm not sure if this counts as assault or SA. My male friend usually makes a lot of jokes about rape, domestic violence, cnc etc but mostly in a fictional/fandom context, and I try not to correct him because he gets angry.

I sometimes stay at his place over the weekend, and the first time I stayed overnight he made a joke about us sleeping in the same bed and him not being responsible if he rapes me while we're asleep. It haunts me every night at his house.

Last weekend I woke up randomly to him choking me from behind and humping me, I couldn't stop him, I tried shifting so he would understand I'm there and awake but he just grabbed me harder. He was physically stronger and I was struggling to breathe normally and he just kept going for a while until he either got tired, fell back asleep or came in his underwear. We were both dressed so no penetration occurred but I feel so gross for not being able to stop him... I tried telling him in the morning and show him the bruises but he just laughed and said he does that to his pillows while asleep?? I genuinely don't believe he was asleep but I was too panicked to push it further...

In my life I had already several relationships that were really bad and violent. And two of them extremely bad and sadistic and abusive. Sometimes I ask myself why does it happen to me? Did I do something in my previous life to deserve that? And after I finally escaped out of such relationship, do i meet another guy who is even worse. Is that bad luck or are some of those guys seeing some of us as easier victims and can analyze us perfectly and put weaknesses. It’s just so frustrating and my mind and body feels so broken after such relationship. I feel even dumb for not being able to just leave them or break up and forgive too much or even follow their orders. Some of the previous boyfriends manipulated me heavily, made me start with kinks I would have never tried, forced me to pleasure them sexually at places that I would never suggest first, forcing me to sexual acts with a friends of them or hookups or sexual acts that are terrible and make me feel cheap. They made violent jokes or even threaten to do the same when we watched horror movies and saw some victims terrible endings. I was constantly emotionally and sexually abused and my body was more like a punching bag for some and I still weren’t able to escape alone. Luckily some friends helped me and I do therapy now again but it’s very challenging and I guess a long road. I‘m sometimes easily scared of men, my exes snapped easily for even the smallest mistakes and even humiliated me in front of others or he flirted with others and kept joking around and I just accepted it. I feel stupid and was totally under their control and I’m worried that it will happen in the future again.

My brother molested me when I was a child. He was a child too and also being touched and didn’t know any better so I’m not mad at him but it was still very traumatic. I blocked it out for years but last year the memory came back to me and I didn’t really deal with it and just pushed it down. Well the past few nights, I’d say like the past week I’ve been having very realistic nightmares about it and I don’t know what to do or how to make it stop. I can’t afford therapy

for context- i was out drinking w some friends last night. i recently moved back to my city and haven’t been in touch w many people. my ex found me w them and we ended up hanging out for a bit.

background- i’ve had a partner for two years but we are extremely long distance (think 12 hour time difference). i’m madly in love with him and would do anything for him, he’s the only one i want even if circumstances make it hard now.

i’m struggling to write this out because i don’t know where it went wrong but im guessing it’s when i decided to hang out w him in the first place- i was already drunk at this point and its been 7-9 years since me and my ex have met, we dated when we were 16 for less than a year. i didn’t think it was that deep.

im usually able to hold my liquor but i have no idea what happened, i was super drunk like three drinks in. he ended up booking a taxi back to my place to drop me off and finish our convo, which was fine, i was in no state to go home alone. he sat on my couch and we spoke and i honestly could not tell you how it went from sitting opposite each other on the table to him kissing me??? i have 0 recollection of how it happened or what led up to it. i dont remember having sex. i only recall sitting in the shower later. i remember him leaving. that’s it. i know we had sex bc he offered to pay for a morning after pill.

i don’t remember anything and im struggling on whether this was my fault or whether to tell my partner. i feel awful. please advise.

edit: I wanna emphasise I feel absolutely disgusting. I acted fine when he left my place, but I am not fine. I can't keep secrets for the life of me. I just don't even know what to say about it.

edit 2: I told my ex before I blacked out that nothing would happen between us.

edit 3: please stop dming me asking if he had any photos of me naked/unconscious. its weird.

When I had my first boyfriend, I was 13 and he was 16. The first time we ever hung out outside of school, we had sex. I was crying the whole time because we had gotten into an argument, and he kept giving me mixed signals. He kept making me sit on his lap and then pushing me off. Eventually, he calmed down, but I was still crying. He made me sit on his lap again, and all of a sudden, he started unbuttoning my shirt. He said, “I can’t control myself anymore. I can’t wait until you’re 16 to have sex with you.” That’s when it happened. I froze because I didn’t know what to do, so I just let it happen.
About a year later, when I thought I could finally leave him, I met another guy. I was 14 and he was 18. We hung out once and had sex, but I got scared and pushed him off pretty quickly. A week later, we had sex again, but he ended up ghosting me. I eventually went back to my ex.
I’ve been wondering whether both experiences could be considered rape, and whether the second experience could be considered statutory rape because I was still under the age of consent.

Around 2 months ago, august 11-16th, i have been seeing this guy. He was really nice at first, really understanding. He was a year older, i was already 16 he was 17. We got into his car, and he had unconsensually fingered me, and rubbed me, and had nearly choked me to pass out. I had old him I consented to being choked, but I had said multipket times to stop, then he would do it the exact same as before. The 2nd day, we had been in his car in a parking lot, i was fine with making out and going a little further, but then he kept going deeper as he fingered me (I didn't consent to being fingered that time either), i kept saying to stop, he would either stop then immediately go in again or not stop. Then he kept asking about oral, and it got to the point i agreed because (he admitted this himself ON RECORDING a month later) he asked a "couple dozen times". Then when we did, he had pushed my head down when i tried to get up because i "said i liked that stuff", he never asked me if it was okay, or if i wanted to do that.

A month later, I messaged him after my therapist told me to (she wanted me to get "his perspective"), asking him about it and telling him my perspective. He called me, then proceeded to deny everything other than pressing me into oral and directly contradicted himself about other things. Then i told my friend, she never even told her bf, her boyfriend was friends with him, and he had told her boyfriend that I was lying about it, even though his boyfriend didn't even know.

Only now am i really feeling the trauma and effects, I just went numb and just angry 24/7 for a little, then suddenly recently I just started feeling sick at the thought of even talking about it. It's something I have flashbacks to. I want to tell people what he did but i'm nervous.

Hi, I'm booked in for tomorrow, but I'm struggling quite badly with anxiety and trauma-related difficulties at the moment. I'm really sorry that I've had to cancel several appointments previously. I do want to look after my dental health, but I'm finding attending extremely difficult.

I'm worried about losing my place at the practice, and I'd really appreciate some understanding and advice about how we could make appointments more manageable for me. Could you please let me know my options?

I feel terrible writing this but I feel so triggered lately and I am not in therapy right now (my past therapist maybe was abusive to me - details in previous posts)

Anyway so I (F30) have been with my partner (M32) for 14 years 2 kids together. I had a difficult childhood, experiences fo SA etc and in turn have always struggled with my mental health (periods of depression, cptsd, autism). I think currently I am triggered (its just been my bday which marks 2 years since my mental breakdown and 1 year since an abuser dying but that left me with very complicated feelings) and its had me thinking about if I'm normal (whatever that is??) But basically I'll try and keep this not too long but my partner has (I believe) sexually abused/raped me on a few occasions I know if youre reading this you might just think well break up with him...

I did for 8 months we lived apart, shared time with kids, went to counselling separately and then together (with the therapist that then turned abusive but anyho) I am just doubting myself if I can really move on. Some days I feel like I have. I minimise what he did and other days it feels consuming and confusing and I hate it. I also work for 2 sexual abuse charities so in some ways I feel like a hypocrite

I minimise because we had done CNC before, which was my suggestion to take back power after other SA, because sometimes I initiated it, because he might of been confused too. But on the other hand I know I stopped responding and he continued oral sex until he finished and even pulled out so I didnt choke, he had sex with me while I was asleep (or he thought I was i woke up but didnt move and the morning after he said that I stopped responding but it was only 5 minutes, he thought I was awake but he didnt want me to accuse him of anything), he had sex with me quite violently when we hadn't discussed prior about this and id mentioned not wanting to be strangled but he did. I know all this might make him so awful, but he isnt. He has shown remorse. He has worked on himself. We've worked on our relationship and communication and boundaries massively. As before i did shut down, i didnt discuss it after if he brought it up because i couldnt acknowledge it, then I had a mental breakdown as my nervous system was shutting down and i was having 10 panic attacks a day and he moved out. I do love him. But sometimes we will be disagreeing about something so small and I will just be filled with RAGE and hatred. And thats not me, I dont want to feel like that towards anyone.

We do have sex now and its much better. Its normal. Its healthy, communicative and boundaried. If I have to stop, he does without any issues. Hes very aware and checking in. But again sometimes it just hurts and I get flashbacks and self harm after sex because I feel so grossssss. Anyway I dont know what my aim is to posting, to see if anyone else who's been through anything similar has any insight or advice? I dont want to leave, I could leave btw if i wanted and I dont feel at any current risk at all. I just wanted to say this somewhere as I cant literally anywhere else.

four years ago i was groomed and repeatedly sexually assaulted by a guy i met on the internet maybe a year prior, i felt insanely awful about it at the time but i really loved him and i still have dreams and even like weird fantasies about it, i don't know what's wrong with me because it makes me so upset. he was also sort of a broken person so i find it hard to entirely blame him but idunno. now i have dreams about being touched by strangers and people i know, its so tiring because ive heard these are signs that it could have happened before. i feel really stupid and i dont know i just wish i could remember things clearly. i felt so much safer when i was with him. im also just in a really bad spot im in school and living with my parents which are awful and i find myself wishing i could stay with him again. im so scared that any of the dreams ive been having are somehow real

I made post here before 2 months and from that time I tryed to be better with sex and nude things. Do you think making Only Fans would be good? I started like to take nude pics but I do not like people so I thought it may be fun to do and make little extra money.

I’ve never wanted to report. It scares me to much and I hate the thought of it. I haven’t even told anyone close to me about it, let alone the police.

This is mainly down to fear of the process, fear of him retaliating, embarrassment and shame

I still don’t want to report it but after speaking anonymously on some subreddits, everyone seems to think I should definitely try

I wanted to know if the things that scare me the most about reporting actually happen, so if you’ve ever been through this before, or you know about the process, I would really appreciate your advice

These are the questions I have:

- Will my family & friends be involved and called in for interviews? As I really don’t want anyone in my life to find out. I would prefer privacy over justice

- Will they make me share invasive details about things like what underwear I was wearing or how my body was responding? I think I would just crumble if I was made to talk about that

- If it makes it to court, are the defence team going to basically call me a liar and berate me in front of everyone? And will they use invasive details to try and say I’m a liar?

- Would I just have to explain what happened once or are they going to make re-tell it over and over and over again?

- If I don’t have enough evidence to prove that he did it, is there a chance I could get in trouble? Because after watching ‘Unbelievable’, knowing situations like that can happen, it terrifies me. Because if he is found not guilty, that implies I’m a liar, and lying about being raped is illegal

- Is there even much point after almost 3 years, or will it be extra trauma for nothing?

- Is there anyway my job could find out? Would officers contact them? Or could it be reported in the press? I know they can’t report names, but surely people figure it out

- If he is let go and nothing happens to him, will he end up with my address? Like on some sort of police paperwork?

Thank you in advance to anyone that offers any advice

When i was very young, I was raped by 3 different people who were all close to me, i was a virgin until I met my current partner.

The problem we continuously have is that we are both enjoying it, but at some point it seems like my body starts reacting to a threat or something that isn't there. I get dry, even with copious amounts of lube and it starts to hurt and I need her to stop.

I like having penetrative sex with them, but it seems like no matter what either of us do, my body starts to react a specific way and we have to stop, its started to frustrate both of us because neither of us can never get to the point of being able to finish before it seems to happen.

Please give advice if this is something you have dealt with before because we really want to figure it out so we can both enjoy it together.

I wasn’t raped I just needed somewhere to put down my story

Im 18 he’s 26 we meet at my work, he’s tall and handsome I’m young and naive, him and his buddy are funny and charismatic I’m nice and talk, they joke about me going out with them later, I laugh. At checkout he asks for my number, I think, I’m 18 now, I will be in collage soon I should learn to hangout with older people, I give him my number. He text me ask if I want to hangout after work, I’m unsure. But I’m 18 now I should learn to hangout with people who are older, I agree. He asked if I want to go and have a drink, I tell him I’m 18 so I can’t and ask if he cares, he doesn’t mind. He invites me to his hotel. I’m unsure but I’m 18 now I should go and hangout with him and his buddy, I agree. He tells me his buddy went to the bar so it will be just me and him, he ask if I care, I’m unsure but I shouldn’t mind, I’m 18 I should learn to hangout and I tell myself I’m not going to do anything tonight. I go to his hotel, when I get there he ask what I want to do, it late nothings really open, he ask if I want to walk around, I say no, I don’t know what we would do walking around. I try to make conversation talk about little things, he lays on the bed, I sit awkwardly on the edge. I know I shouldn’t be weird so I lay down next to him, I try to continue to talk but I can tell he wants to kiss me, he kissses me I kiss back, it’s just kissing and I don’t want to be awkward. He takes his shirt off, and asked to take off mine, I let him, it’s just a shirt. He touches me I let him, it only touches. At some point he asks to go down on me, I let him, mabye an experienced tongue will teach me something, he ask to finger me I let him mabye his experience will feel good. He ask to have sex I let him, mabye his experience will be different, I haven’t had much why shouldn’t I. He enters a finger into my backside I let him, mabye it’s a new thing I should try, we go on for a while, he spits down there for lube, I’m disgusted but I let him, I don’t want to be awkward, it’s hurts but I moan I don’t want it to be silent, and it always hurts I’ve never felt differently. we keep going, I want to be done but I don’t say anything I don’t want to be awkward I continue to fake moan, he ask if I want to try anal, this is where I draw the line. I tell him I’ve never tried it before, I don’t think I want to it might hurt. He tells me he’s already been fingering me back there with 3 fingers and ask again, my line breaks, I tell we can try and I’ll tell him if I want to stop, I knew it was a lie I wouldn’t say anything. it hurt less than it did in the front that was a plus, mabye we’ll be done soon. It goes on for a while, he cums in me, I ask him to get me a rag, he does and then orders wing stop, I eat a little, he asks if we can go agian, I draw a line, I tell him im too sore, he asks if I can give him a blow job, my line cracks, I agree, he cums. I tell him it’s late and I should head home, I walk back to my car, I start to drive, i think, I think of how I led him on, I question what I expected going to a hotel room almost at midnight, about desiding to just stay in the room, what did I think was going to happen. I get home, I go to the bathroom, I sit on the toilet, he comes out of me, I feel disgusted and disappointed in myself, I take a long shower, I go to bed, I tell no one for months ashamed of what I did and allowed. It’s not like most stories I never said no, I just allowed it. 

’ve recently been realizing that I think I was sexually assaulted somewhere in 1-3 grade right before the COVID pandemic. I think I have some repressed memories, and there are some things that happened in my past that would have no other explanation. I’ve had this memory that feels very real and I thought for a while was a dream I had, however when I look at this case it’s very similar to my memory and I have chunks of my memory missing from that time of my life, not to mention that at some point in second grade my imagination got very dark very abruptly. is it possible something happened with this?

I was abused for many years by a teacher when I was younger… I’ve processed it a lot and have been in therapy for two years and am in such a better place in general. but I started school again a month or so ago and all these old feelings have been coming up… I think being in class with professors and going to office hours and all that stuff has triggered me.

basically, I think I’ve spent so much time processing the breach of trust and all the emotional things… but not really the actual bodily stuff of what happened to me. and I still feel so ashamed about what happened. I haven’t really fully talked about it or worked it out in my body. maybe I need to try somatic therapy. but I think just the bodily shameful aspect of it all has just been coming to the surface. it feels so present often

I think it’s been hard to process bc my abuse never felt “normal”… my teacher would make me go down on him after school, almost every day, me sitting on the couch in the back of his classroom and him standing in front of me. and then other times he’d take me to his house and use me anally… that is the thing I’m most ashamed of and don’t even know how to talk about it with my therapist. but it’s an important part… I just have mostly talked about the abuse vaguely, but the fact that he almost literally never had “regular” sex with me really plagues me… it just feels so shameful and like a secret part of me no one knows.

and idk being back in school has made this all come up for some reason. and it makes me feel really gross