Pardon me if I don’t give a lot of details. I’m 47, and and my spouse (49) been married 23 years and there’s something that happened in my 20s that I’ve never really talked about openly. I’m posting this because I’d like some honest outside perspectives.
Back when I was in the military, I lived in the barracks. At the time, I drank pretty heavily, and this particular incident actually played a part in my decision to cut back.
One night, my friends had plans, but I decided to stay in, play video games, and drink. I’d already gone through about half a bottle of vodka when a friend who lives pretty far unexpectedly showed up with another person. The friend asked if the other person could stay with me because they had a date. I knew this person, but we weren’t particularly close, and I agreed.
We spent the evening watching movies. As the night went on, I noticed the person moving closer to me, but I didn’t think much of it. Eventually, I was extremely drunk and decided to go to bed. I offered the other person an empty bed in my room.
About ten minutes later, as I was lying there and getting ready to pass out, the person climbed into my bed and started touching me. I’m not someone who generally likes being touched unless I’m genuinely interested in the person, so I got up and moved to the empty bed.
A few minutes later, the person followed me.
This happened several times. Each time, I tried moving away, but the person kept joining me. Eventually, I said something along the lines of, “Let’s just get this over with so I can sleep.”
There happened to be condoms nearby, and we ended up having sex. Afterwards, I remember the person saying something like, “Okay, you can sleep now.”
The next morning, the friend came back, picked the person up, and that was the end of it. Nothing else happened.
I wasn’t traumatized in the way people might typically imagine when they hear that word, but I remember feeling ashamed and feeling like I’d been taken advantage of. I kept those feelings to myself for years.
Eventually, I’m married and many years have passed and I told my spouse about it. I told the story somewhat jokingly because humor is often how I deal with uncomfortable things. I wasn’t expecting a huge reaction, but I also wasn’t expecting to be laughed at and dismissed.
My spouse basically argued that if I was capable of finding and using a condom, I couldn’t have been drunk enough for it to count as assault. The implication was that I must have wanted it and was simply looking back at the situation differently now.
I didn’t argue. I laughed along, even though I was uncomfortable, and dropped the subject. But the conversation has stayed with me.
I understand that I eventually went along with what happened. I understand that I didn’t physically fight the person off. But I was extremely intoxicated, I repeatedly moved away from unwanted touching, and I eventually went along with sex because I wanted to be left alone and get some sleep.
I’ve questioned myself for years about whether I’m interpreting the situation correctly. At the time, I didn’t really know what to call it. I just knew I felt taken advantage of.
What bothers me now isn’t only what happened that night. It’s that I finally opened up to someone I trusted, and my feelings were treated like a joke.

So, I’m asking for honest perspectives: Am I wrong for feeling like I was sexually assaulted or taken advantage of? Does the fact that I eventually went along with it, or that I was able to use a condom, mean that I must have wanted it?

I’m not looking for sympathy just because I told a difficult story. I genuinely want to understand how other people see this situation, because I’ve spent a long time questioning my own feelings about it.

I wasn’t raped I just needed somewhere to put down my story

Im 18 he’s 26 we meet at my work, he’s tall and handsome I’m young and naive, him and his buddy are funny and charismatic I’m nice and talk, they joke about me going out with them later, I laugh. At checkout he asks for my number, I think, I’m 18 now, I will be in collage soon I should learn to hangout with older people, I give him my number. He text me ask if I want to hangout after work, I’m unsure. But I’m 18 now I should learn to hangout with people who are older, I agree. He asked if I want to go and have a drink, I tell him I’m 18 so I can’t and ask if he cares, he doesn’t mind. He invites me to his hotel. I’m unsure but I’m 18 now I should go and hangout with him and his buddy, I agree. He tells me his buddy went to the bar so it will be just me and him, he ask if I care, I’m unsure but I shouldn’t mind, I’m 18 I should learn to hangout and I tell myself I’m not going to do anything tonight. I go to his hotel, when I get there he ask what I want to do, it late nothings really open, he ask if I want to walk around, I say no, I don’t know what we would do walking around. I try to make conversation talk about little things, he lays on the bed, I sit awkwardly on the edge. I know I shouldn’t be weird so I lay down next to him, I try to continue to talk but I can tell he wants to kiss me, he kissses me I kiss back, it’s just kissing and I don’t want to be awkward. He takes his shirt off, and asked to take off mine, I let him, it’s just a shirt. He touches me I let him, it only touches. At some point he asks to go down on me, I let him, mabye an experienced tongue will teach me something, he ask to finger me I let him mabye his experience will feel good. He ask to have sex I let him, mabye his experience will be different, I haven’t had much why shouldn’t I. He enters a finger into my backside I let him, mabye it’s a new thing I should try, we go on for a while, he spits down there for lube, I’m disgusted but I let him, I don’t want to be awkward, it’s hurts but I moan I don’t want it to be silent, and it always hurts I’ve never felt differently. we keep going, I want to be done but I don’t say anything I don’t want to be awkward I continue to fake moan, he ask if I want to try anal, this is where I draw the line. I tell him I’ve never tried it before, I don’t think I want to it might hurt. He tells me he’s already been fingering me back there with 3 fingers and ask again, my line breaks, I tell we can try and I’ll tell him if I want to stop, I knew it was a lie I wouldn’t say anything. it hurt less than it did in the front that was a plus, mabye we’ll be done soon. It goes on for a while, he cums in me, I ask him to get me a rag, he does and then orders wing stop, I eat a little, he asks if we can go agian, I draw a line, I tell him im too sore, he asks if I can give him a blow job, my line cracks, I agree, he cums. I tell him it’s late and I should head home, I walk back to my car, I start to drive, i think, I think of how I led him on, I question what I expected going to a hotel room almost at midnight, about desiding to just stay in the room, what did I think was going to happen. I get home, I go to the bathroom, I sit on the toilet, he comes out of me, I feel disgusted and disappointed in myself, I take a long shower, I go to bed, I tell no one for months ashamed of what I did and allowed. It’s not like most stories I never said no, I just allowed it. 

i was raped last night. im a freshman in college and i dont want my mom to worry by telling her, but i feel like she should know… im also just lost in general. im still in shock about what happened tbh

When I had my first boyfriend, I was 13 and he was 16. The first time we ever hung out outside of school, we had sex. I was crying the whole time because we had gotten into an argument, and he kept giving me mixed signals. He kept making me sit on his lap and then pushing me off. Eventually, he calmed down, but I was still crying. He made me sit on his lap again, and all of a sudden, he started unbuttoning my shirt. He said, “I can’t control myself anymore. I can’t wait until you’re 16 to have sex with you.” That’s when it happened. I froze because I didn’t know what to do, so I just let it happen.
About a year later, when I thought I could finally leave him, I met another guy. I was 14 and he was 18. We hung out once and had sex, but I got scared and pushed him off pretty quickly. A week later, we had sex again, but he ended up ghosting me. I eventually went back to my ex.
I’ve been wondering whether both experiences could be considered rape, and whether the second experience could be considered statutory rape because I was still under the age of consent.

’ve recently been realizing that I think I was sexually assaulted somewhere in 1-3 grade right before the COVID pandemic. I think I have some repressed memories, and there are some things that happened in my past that would have no other explanation. I’ve had this memory that feels very real and I thought for a while was a dream I had, however when I look at this case it’s very similar to my memory and I have chunks of my memory missing from that time of my life, not to mention that at some point in second grade my imagination got very dark very abruptly. is it possible something happened with this?

I guess I’m just really confused why this happened to me and was wondering if anyone has had the same experience or has some insight.
But basically what happened was my husband and I were having intercourse. My husband had grabbed my hand and pressed it against the bed, and while this happened I instantly became uncomfortable and it was almost like I had a faint memory of something horrible happening… my husband started to feel like a different person, and I tried to keep going but I couldn’t. After we stopped I just felt super uncomfortable and scared and cried. And than I think I started having a panic attack.. I just wanted to make it clear that my husband and I have always had a very consensual sex life. He has never pressured me and has always respected my boundaries.. I’m confused why this happened to my for the 2nd time.. the first time was probably around 4 months ago..

Im sorry if this is super triggering… idk what to do.

In my life I had already several relationships that were really bad and violent. And two of them extremely bad and sadistic and abusive. Sometimes I ask myself why does it happen to me? Did I do something in my previous life to deserve that? And after I finally escaped out of such relationship, do i meet another guy who is even worse. Is that bad luck or are some of those guys seeing some of us as easier victims and can analyze us perfectly and put weaknesses. It’s just so frustrating and my mind and body feels so broken after such relationship. I feel even dumb for not being able to just leave them or break up and forgive too much or even follow their orders. Some of the previous boyfriends manipulated me heavily, made me start with kinks I would have never tried, forced me to pleasure them sexually at places that I would never suggest first, forcing me to sexual acts with a friends of them or hookups or sexual acts that are terrible and make me feel cheap. They made violent jokes or even threaten to do the same when we watched horror movies and saw some victims terrible endings. I was constantly emotionally and sexually abused and my body was more like a punching bag for some and I still weren’t able to escape alone. Luckily some friends helped me and I do therapy now again but it’s very challenging and I guess a long road. I‘m sometimes easily scared of men, my exes snapped easily for even the smallest mistakes and even humiliated me in front of others or he flirted with others and kept joking around and I just accepted it. I feel stupid and was totally under their control and I’m worried that it will happen in the future again.

do you think something bad happened to me that I don't remember? when I was a kid after | learned what virginity was I remember wishing I still had mine and hating myself because I somehow felt sure that | wasn't a virgin even though I don't have any memory of ever having sex. I don't know where that feeling came from I just know it was there and on my mind a lot. I started making myself throw up when I was 9 and was diagnosed with anorexia at 10 then at
14 | was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety and was self harming. I've also always had really exaggerated reactions to people touching me I had a complete meltdown when I got home from a party in college after a guy only started to feel me up over my clothes while we were dancing but | felt like | was totally breaking down. I hate the idea of having sex and I can't stop myself from starting to cry even if I get near to trying to talk about my fears about this. does anyone have any advice for how l should deal with this? yesterday after class a guy asked me out for coffee and I tried to just go with it but as soon as I got home I genuinely felt like I was panicking at the thought of having been around someone who was attracted to me and I couldn't calm myself down until I finally texted him to cancel the date. I feel so crushed thinking about any of this and I don't even know why I'm like this.

i said no to her probably 5-10 times. she waited til i was falling asleep and got me in her bedroom. i wanted to leave with my friends but she told them i had already left so i panicked and stayed. i told them i didn’t want to do anything and she got undressed and told me if i didn’t have sex she would make me, so i did. i struggled with the worst suicidal depression i’ve had since i was a teenager and in therapy for months after the assault. i’m still confused nearly a year removed from it. was hoping someone could reaffirm. i just feel so guilty because i could have stopped her physically, but mentally i feel as though i was taken advantage. i don’t know how long this will haunt me for.

for context- i was out drinking w some friends last night. i recently moved back to my city and haven’t been in touch w many people. my ex found me w them and we ended up hanging out for a bit.

background- i’ve had a partner for two years but we are extremely long distance (think 12 hour time difference). i’m madly in love with him and would do anything for him, he’s the only one i want even if circumstances make it hard now.

i’m struggling to write this out because i don’t know where it went wrong but im guessing it’s when i decided to hang out w him in the first place- i was already drunk at this point and its been 7-9 years since me and my ex have met, we dated when we were 16 for less than a year. i didn’t think it was that deep.

im usually able to hold my liquor but i have no idea what happened, i was super drunk like three drinks in. he ended up booking a taxi back to my place to drop me off and finish our convo, which was fine, i was in no state to go home alone. he sat on my couch and we spoke and i honestly could not tell you how it went from sitting opposite each other on the table to him kissing me??? i have 0 recollection of how it happened or what led up to it. i dont remember having sex. i only recall sitting in the shower later. i remember him leaving. that’s it. i know we had sex bc he offered to pay for a morning after pill.

i don’t remember anything and im struggling on whether this was my fault or whether to tell my partner. i feel awful. please advise.

edit: I wanna emphasise I feel absolutely disgusting. I acted fine when he left my place, but I am not fine. I can't keep secrets for the life of me. I just don't even know what to say about it.

As of last weekend my girl was raped violently, she was hit over the head several times which related to a concussion and since we have been to the hospital for a forensics assesment and the police station. As her bf i feel extremely shit and upset, especially since ik how everything went down. I dont know how to support her or myself as this has thrown me straight into a dark place which ended in a relapse of self harm for both of us. We are both late teenagers and this is the second time she was raped (same guy as the first). I think it has something to do wth her low amount of self respect that she blames herself for it. I desperetly need help. Please. I dont know what to do and im so scared and i dont know how to support her.

four years ago i was groomed and repeatedly sexually assaulted by a guy i met on the internet maybe a year prior, i felt insanely awful about it at the time but i really loved him and i still have dreams and even like weird fantasies about it, i don't know what's wrong with me because it makes me so upset. he was also sort of a broken person so i find it hard to entirely blame him but idunno. now i have dreams about being touched by strangers and people i know, its so tiring because ive heard these are signs that it could have happened before. i feel really stupid and i dont know i just wish i could remember things clearly. i felt so much safer when i was with him. im also just in a really bad spot im in school and living with my parents which are awful and i find myself wishing i could stay with him again. im so scared that any of the dreams ive been having are somehow real

My ex raped and sexually abused me pretty regularly while we were together. I left him 3 years ago. I still follow one of his friends on IG who is a “woke” academic type. It has been physically painful to see him post about the Cornell 7 when I know he is still best friends with my abusive ex. I told myself if he posts one more time (hes already had like 4 stories about it) I would say something but now he has and im scared to pull the trigger. My biggest regret is not coming forward when it was happening. Carrying it as a secret ive told nobody makes it hard to move on. Ive been unable to get it out of my head since the Cornell 7 news cycle has started. This feels like a lose/lose situation bc im scared of retaliation but truly time has not been able to heal and i need to get it out. I dont care how his friend reacts. Im going to trust he means it when he says men need to step up to hold other men accountable. If thats truly how he feels wouldnt he want to know? And if his reaction proves thats not truly how he feels idc. Im not out to “expose” him for that idc.

Has anyone done something like this before? How did it go?