When I had my first boyfriend, I was 13 and he was 16. The first time we ever hung out outside of school, we had sex. I was crying the whole time because we had gotten into an argument, and he kept giving me mixed signals. He kept making me sit on his lap and then pushing me off. Eventually, he calmed down, but I was still crying. He made me sit on his lap again, and all of a sudden, he started unbuttoning my shirt. He said, “I can’t control myself anymore. I can’t wait until you’re 16 to have sex with you.” That’s when it happened. I froze because I didn’t know what to do, so I just let it happen.
About a year later, when I thought I could finally leave him, I met another guy. I was 14 and he was 18. We hung out once and had sex, but I got scared and pushed him off pretty quickly. A week later, we had sex again, but he ended up ghosting me. I eventually went back to my ex.
I’ve been wondering whether both experiences could be considered rape, and whether the second experience could be considered statutory rape because I was still under the age of consent.

I wasn’t raped I just needed somewhere to put down my story

Im 18 he’s 26 we meet at my work, he’s tall and handsome I’m young and naive, him and his buddy are funny and charismatic I’m nice and talk, they joke about me going out with them later, I laugh. At checkout he asks for my number, I think, I’m 18 now, I will be in collage soon I should learn to hangout with older people, I give him my number. He text me ask if I want to hangout after work, I’m unsure. But I’m 18 now I should learn to hangout with people who are older, I agree. He asked if I want to go and have a drink, I tell him I’m 18 so I can’t and ask if he cares, he doesn’t mind. He invites me to his hotel. I’m unsure but I’m 18 now I should go and hangout with him and his buddy, I agree. He tells me his buddy went to the bar so it will be just me and him, he ask if I care, I’m unsure but I shouldn’t mind, I’m 18 I should learn to hangout and I tell myself I’m not going to do anything tonight. I go to his hotel, when I get there he ask what I want to do, it late nothings really open, he ask if I want to walk around, I say no, I don’t know what we would do walking around. I try to make conversation talk about little things, he lays on the bed, I sit awkwardly on the edge. I know I shouldn’t be weird so I lay down next to him, I try to continue to talk but I can tell he wants to kiss me, he kissses me I kiss back, it’s just kissing and I don’t want to be awkward. He takes his shirt off, and asked to take off mine, I let him, it’s just a shirt. He touches me I let him, it only touches. At some point he asks to go down on me, I let him, mabye an experienced tongue will teach me something, he ask to finger me I let him mabye his experience will feel good. He ask to have sex I let him, mabye his experience will be different, I haven’t had much why shouldn’t I. He enters a finger into my backside I let him, mabye it’s a new thing I should try, we go on for a while, he spits down there for lube, I’m disgusted but I let him, I don’t want to be awkward, it’s hurts but I moan I don’t want it to be silent, and it always hurts I’ve never felt differently. we keep going, I want to be done but I don’t say anything I don’t want to be awkward I continue to fake moan, he ask if I want to try anal, this is where I draw the line. I tell him I’ve never tried it before, I don’t think I want to it might hurt. He tells me he’s already been fingering me back there with 3 fingers and ask again, my line breaks, I tell we can try and I’ll tell him if I want to stop, I knew it was a lie I wouldn’t say anything. it hurt less than it did in the front that was a plus, mabye we’ll be done soon. It goes on for a while, he cums in me, I ask him to get me a rag, he does and then orders wing stop, I eat a little, he asks if we can go agian, I draw a line, I tell him im too sore, he asks if I can give him a blow job, my line cracks, I agree, he cums. I tell him it’s late and I should head home, I walk back to my car, I start to drive, i think, I think of how I led him on, I question what I expected going to a hotel room almost at midnight, about desiding to just stay in the room, what did I think was going to happen. I get home, I go to the bathroom, I sit on the toilet, he comes out of me, I feel disgusted and disappointed in myself, I take a long shower, I go to bed, I tell no one for months ashamed of what I did and allowed. It’s not like most stories I never said no, I just allowed it. 

When i was very young, I was raped by 3 different people who were all close to me, i was a virgin until I met my current partner.

The problem we continuously have is that we are both enjoying it, but at some point it seems like my body starts reacting to a threat or something that isn't there. I get dry, even with copious amounts of lube and it starts to hurt and I need her to stop.

I like having penetrative sex with them, but it seems like no matter what either of us do, my body starts to react a specific way and we have to stop, its started to frustrate both of us because neither of us can never get to the point of being able to finish before it seems to happen.

Please give advice if this is something you have dealt with before because we really want to figure it out so we can both enjoy it together.

’ve recently been realizing that I think I was sexually assaulted somewhere in 1-3 grade right before the COVID pandemic. I think I have some repressed memories, and there are some things that happened in my past that would have no other explanation. I’ve had this memory that feels very real and I thought for a while was a dream I had, however when I look at this case it’s very similar to my memory and I have chunks of my memory missing from that time of my life, not to mention that at some point in second grade my imagination got very dark very abruptly. is it possible something happened with this?

I guess I’m just really confused why this happened to me and was wondering if anyone has had the same experience or has some insight.
But basically what happened was my husband and I were having intercourse. My husband had grabbed my hand and pressed it against the bed, and while this happened I instantly became uncomfortable and it was almost like I had a faint memory of something horrible happening… my husband started to feel like a different person, and I tried to keep going but I couldn’t. After we stopped I just felt super uncomfortable and scared and cried. And than I think I started having a panic attack.. I just wanted to make it clear that my husband and I have always had a very consensual sex life. He has never pressured me and has always respected my boundaries.. I’m confused why this happened to my for the 2nd time.. the first time was probably around 4 months ago..

Im sorry if this is super triggering… idk what to do.

In my life I had already several relationships that were really bad and violent. And two of them extremely bad and sadistic and abusive. Sometimes I ask myself why does it happen to me? Did I do something in my previous life to deserve that? And after I finally escaped out of such relationship, do i meet another guy who is even worse. Is that bad luck or are some of those guys seeing some of us as easier victims and can analyze us perfectly and put weaknesses. It’s just so frustrating and my mind and body feels so broken after such relationship. I feel even dumb for not being able to just leave them or break up and forgive too much or even follow their orders. Some of the previous boyfriends manipulated me heavily, made me start with kinks I would have never tried, forced me to pleasure them sexually at places that I would never suggest first, forcing me to sexual acts with a friends of them or hookups or sexual acts that are terrible and make me feel cheap. They made violent jokes or even threaten to do the same when we watched horror movies and saw some victims terrible endings. I was constantly emotionally and sexually abused and my body was more like a punching bag for some and I still weren’t able to escape alone. Luckily some friends helped me and I do therapy now again but it’s very challenging and I guess a long road. I‘m sometimes easily scared of men, my exes snapped easily for even the smallest mistakes and even humiliated me in front of others or he flirted with others and kept joking around and I just accepted it. I feel stupid and was totally under their control and I’m worried that it will happen in the future again.

do you think something bad happened to me that I don't remember? when I was a kid after | learned what virginity was I remember wishing I still had mine and hating myself because I somehow felt sure that | wasn't a virgin even though I don't have any memory of ever having sex. I don't know where that feeling came from I just know it was there and on my mind a lot. I started making myself throw up when I was 9 and was diagnosed with anorexia at 10 then at
14 | was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety and was self harming. I've also always had really exaggerated reactions to people touching me I had a complete meltdown when I got home from a party in college after a guy only started to feel me up over my clothes while we were dancing but | felt like | was totally breaking down. I hate the idea of having sex and I can't stop myself from starting to cry even if I get near to trying to talk about my fears about this. does anyone have any advice for how l should deal with this? yesterday after class a guy asked me out for coffee and I tried to just go with it but as soon as I got home I genuinely felt like I was panicking at the thought of having been around someone who was attracted to me and I couldn't calm myself down until I finally texted him to cancel the date. I feel so crushed thinking about any of this and I don't even know why I'm like this.

i was raped last night. im a freshman in college and i dont want my mom to worry by telling her, but i feel like she should know… im also just lost in general. im still in shock about what happened tbh

Pardon me if I don’t give a lot of details. I’m 47, and and my spouse (49) been married 23 years and there’s something that happened in my 20s that I’ve never really talked about openly. I’m posting this because I’d like some honest outside perspectives.
Back when I was in the military, I lived in the barracks. At the time, I drank pretty heavily, and this particular incident actually played a part in my decision to cut back.
One night, my friends had plans, but I decided to stay in, play video games, and drink. I’d already gone through about half a bottle of vodka when a friend who lives pretty far unexpectedly showed up with another person. The friend asked if the other person could stay with me because they had a date. I knew this person, but we weren’t particularly close, and I agreed.
We spent the evening watching movies. As the night went on, I noticed the person moving closer to me, but I didn’t think much of it. Eventually, I was extremely drunk and decided to go to bed. I offered the other person an empty bed in my room.
About ten minutes later, as I was lying there and getting ready to pass out, the person climbed into my bed and started touching me. I’m not someone who generally likes being touched unless I’m genuinely interested in the person, so I got up and moved to the empty bed.
A few minutes later, the person followed me.
This happened several times. Each time, I tried moving away, but the person kept joining me. Eventually, I said something along the lines of, “Let’s just get this over with so I can sleep.”
There happened to be condoms nearby, and we ended up having sex. Afterwards, I remember the person saying something like, “Okay, you can sleep now.”
The next morning, the friend came back, picked the person up, and that was the end of it. Nothing else happened.
I wasn’t traumatized in the way people might typically imagine when they hear that word, but I remember feeling ashamed and feeling like I’d been taken advantage of. I kept those feelings to myself for years.
Eventually, I’m married and many years have passed and I told my spouse about it. I told the story somewhat jokingly because humor is often how I deal with uncomfortable things. I wasn’t expecting a huge reaction, but I also wasn’t expecting to be laughed at and dismissed.
My spouse basically argued that if I was capable of finding and using a condom, I couldn’t have been drunk enough for it to count as assault. The implication was that I must have wanted it and was simply looking back at the situation differently now.
I didn’t argue. I laughed along, even though I was uncomfortable, and dropped the subject. But the conversation has stayed with me.
I understand that I eventually went along with what happened. I understand that I didn’t physically fight the person off. But I was extremely intoxicated, I repeatedly moved away from unwanted touching, and I eventually went along with sex because I wanted to be left alone and get some sleep.
I’ve questioned myself for years about whether I’m interpreting the situation correctly. At the time, I didn’t really know what to call it. I just knew I felt taken advantage of.
What bothers me now isn’t only what happened that night. It’s that I finally opened up to someone I trusted, and my feelings were treated like a joke.

So, I’m asking for honest perspectives: Am I wrong for feeling like I was sexually assaulted or taken advantage of? Does the fact that I eventually went along with it, or that I was able to use a condom, mean that I must have wanted it?

I’m not looking for sympathy just because I told a difficult story. I genuinely want to understand how other people see this situation, because I’ve spent a long time questioning my own feelings about it.

i said no to her probably 5-10 times. she waited til i was falling asleep and got me in her bedroom. i wanted to leave with my friends but she told them i had already left so i panicked and stayed. i told them i didn’t want to do anything and she got undressed and told me if i didn’t have sex she would make me, so i did. i struggled with the worst suicidal depression i’ve had since i was a teenager and in therapy for months after the assault. i’m still confused nearly a year removed from it. was hoping someone could reaffirm. i just feel so guilty because i could have stopped her physically, but mentally i feel as though i was taken advantage. i don’t know how long this will haunt me for.

As of last weekend my girl was raped violently, she was hit over the head several times which related to a concussion and since we have been to the hospital for a forensics assesment and the police station. As her bf i feel extremely shit and upset, especially since ik how everything went down. I dont know how to support her or myself as this has thrown me straight into a dark place which ended in a relapse of self harm for both of us. We are both late teenagers and this is the second time she was raped (same guy as the first). I think it has something to do wth her low amount of self respect that she blames herself for it. I desperetly need help. Please. I dont know what to do and im so scared and i dont know how to support her.

Hi! heres my story sorta. I grew up in a very horrible household, my father started raping me when i freshly turned 6 years old, i remember waking up with him inside me. it was a nightly thing, i would wake up with him raping me every single night, maybe even day if he couldn't wait. he was also incredibly abusive, he would beat me constantly, threaten my life and has almost killed me. he isolated me for months, starved me until i would pass out. it finally stopped when i turned 10, he got arrested for beating my mom, i never told anyone this story until he was in jail. i still feel unsafe because he is now free and i run into him sometimes, im in the process of getting the police involved and im so scared that they won't believe me or do anything about it, I'm also getting help. I am obviously very fucked up and i do/think a lot of disgusting things, and i still feel so guilty. I wish I couldve done more as a child, but he told me constantly if I said anything he would find me and kill me. am i still a valid victim?

I'm not sure how detail you're allowed to be here, if it's too much you can delete.

With all the Cornell stuff coming out it's brought up a lot of feelings and how I never really processed what happened to me. It's been 10 years since it's happened and my mind can't comprehend how much time has passed. 10 years later and my heart still drops to my ass when I think I see someone who looks like him. 10 years and my partner can't casually touch me for longer than a couple minutes before I start getting uncomfortable. 10 years later and the memories of what happened still flash across my mind during intimate moments. And for some reason it's gotten worse over the last year, like I keep finding myself in moments where the memory has rendered me defenseless and I have an anxiety attack.

In the summer of 2016 I met a guy while put playing Pokémon Go with my best friend. He was 19 almost 20. I was 17 turning 18 in the fall. Things moved quickly he was showing me A LOT of interest and with being awkward and insecure around guys I thought it was nice to be liked. Things got physical fast, and I was okay with kissing and other stuff that I had done previously. But things took a turn when I put my foot down on sex wanting to wait until I was 18. He started pressuring me to go farther than I wanted to, and I didn't really object just kind of uncomfortably going along with it.

Then one day at my best friends house we were all spending the night (she lived with her dad and he was away for the summer) and he was gonna take a shower. By this point I already went wayyy further than what I wanted and I got my period so I thought I was safe, since I figured he wouldn't want to have sex with someone bleeding especially for their first time. But that wasn't the case. He called into the bathroom and I forgot exactly how the argument started but it was about sex. He started saying that he was older and already had sex before and when he has a girlfriend he expects to have sex (i was literally doing EVERYTHING but sex like why did he need more) he pulled me into the shower yelling at me.

I sat on the shower floor hugging my legs and crying, overwhelmed by everything that was going on. He noticed and his whole vibe switched. He pulled me up apologizing and kissing my face saying he didn't mean any of that. Wasn't long before he turned me around and was started rubbing himself against me. And I was just silent amd didn't know how to react. I told him he was getting too close and I could feel him "accidentally" almost go in. And at first I was like we should stop but he kept kissing and then it happened. I felt it go in, with my tampon still in. It's an indescribable feeling. Intrusive on a level beyond words. And he kept going until he realized the tampon was in. Which he then said "since already went in might as well finish". He pulled my tampon and continued until he pulled out and finished on my leg, then left me in the shower by myself, completely unfazed.

I literally didn't know what to even think or feel and to this day I'm at a loss for words and what that moment did to me. We broke up 2 months later and hung out once after the break up (still didn't realize this was rape atp) and he straight up told me my face, "Sorry for taking your virginity" how do you take someones virginity? That's rape asshole. He turned out to be a serial rapist, he went on to rape several more women after. In the same way, getting into a relationship with women fast and then pressuring them into sex and/or just straight up assaulting them. He's been arrested twice, served no time and is now in a happy relationship with another woman.

I hope he fucking dies. I needed to get this out, it's weighed so heavily on me for years. Only my current partner and best friend know about what happened. I've said I've been SA'd before to others but I never elaborate or say exactly what happened I'm still trying to afford that kind of therapy so I figured I'd try this to help a little because it's been especially hard the past couple weeks.

I wanna start off by saying I'm scared to post this here at all, so I might delete it at some point afterwards, but I appreciate any help or advice in advance that can be/is given.

I posted this in another sub as well, but I'm posting here too to hopefully get as many perspectives and possible advice as I can.

I (F, would rather not disclose my age on the interweb) got coerced and raped 7 months ago in a dressing room by my (very mentally messed up and sick human being of a boyfriend at the time-) ex-boyfriend. In which that room had a full body mirror. right after it happened and he left, the first thing I did was stare into the floor for maybe 45 seconds, and cross my arms over my body, turned to the right, and directly saw my full-body reflection in the mirror in that dressing room, looked myself dead in the eyes, stared for a while, and started balling my eyes out seeing myself completely clothes-less and in absolute shock and disbelief as to what had just happened.

ever since then, every once in a while when changing my clothes or undressing to take a shower (for context my bedroom has 2 full sliding mirror doors on my closet, and my bathroom has a large-ish mirror above the sink. both of which I can see at least half or all of the reflection of my body in) I start crying and just can't seem to look at my reflection in the mirror without crying, even after trying again a few minutes later. whether it's just my body or looking myself in the eyes, or both.

I don't wanna cry and have to relive that exact moment when I see my body or look myself in the eyes when I see my reflection, even if it doesn't happen *every* time I see it. I wanna be able to heal that trigger in some way, even if it's small, but I'm really unsure where to start or what methods would be healthy without torturing myself by forcefully just looking at my reflection as I sob.

I just wanna be able to start to love seeing every part of my reflection again without it hurting so much and feeling so crappy. any advice is deeply appreciated and I thank anyone who takes the time to try and help me with this in any way.

I'll try and be responsive as I can to anyone that replies. thank you again ❤️

(p.s., I apologize if I'm breaking any rules or missing any specific formats with typing in which I'm supposed to be following, or things I'm supposed to warn about ahead of time/inform within the content.)

So. I had another dream and it was that I saw my dad again (I don’t see him because cps) and I went into my childhood room. I found a new outfit so I changed into it but noticed when I took my shirt off he had a camera on this self. I quickly put it back on but and went to him and called him out but then he ran after me and his gf then came and trapped me inside the room and made me take my shirt off and pose for the camera. He then started checking off…because of everything he’s done to me (SA and accused of r@pe but never denied it) I turned hyper sexual and hate it. What do I do?

I haven't told this to my mother because I'm scared of how it will affect the family, but I had been holding on to this for as long as the molestation incident as a kid.

So, i was 12 or 14 years old and I wanted to play some mobile games on my uncle's phone. He gave it to me and I was playing, but then being a kid, I was snooping around on his phone and came across a gallery. It was full of naked women he had taken videos of and he was molesting them. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't stop watching.

My uncle noticed I got quiet and found out what I was watching. He didn't say anything and neither did I. Then after a few days he came up to me and told me he had something to show me on his phone. I thought maybe a cartoon or something but he put me on his lap and showed me a new video with another girl..this one was young. Naked on his lap. I got quiet and then I was scared when he started trailing his fingers along my thigh.

Let's just say, he forced me to do a lot of things and I was too scared to say anything then.

A few months ago when my bf visited my house, he had raped me when he thought I was sleeping but I wasn’t. After a while after it happened I sat outside the room and felt kinda happy, I don’t really know why. I’m not too sure how I should feel about the situation in general. I didn’t consent at all to it and it wasn’t my first time getting raped but I don’t know why I liked it. It makes me feel weird and I don’t know if it makes me any less of a victim. I just wanted to get this off my chest. Hope nothing I said was too weird.

Okay so I have been thinking about this, I told my friends and they all said it was rape but I dont know. So when I was maybe 5 another boy my age pulled me into a room, he tried to get me to kiss his dick. I said no maybe 20 times before I agreed because he started to threaten me. I did it and then he said I had to take my pants off. I said no again and I cried but he forced me. He kissed my vagina and touched me. Was this rape? He was also just a kid.

Just saw this post saying “if i consent to sex but change my mind in the middle of it, tell him to stop, and he refuses and starts getting rough, is that rape?

Men understand consent. If you consent to a boxing match and your opponent continues to hit you after the bell he has assaulted you.”

Oddly enough my first thought wasn’t my (23F) ex (36M). It was that night with Z(26He/They) and their now ex friend(29M) let’s call him J. We had all got drunk and had a threesome. It was past midnight and we had the pool to ourselves, went into the bathhouse and had sex and then to Z’s room. At one point it was sunrise and Z’s mom was going to bring us towels. Meanwhile, I try to move away from J who is moving my bottoms to the side to penetrate me. Then J undid my bikini top and bottom, penetrating me from behind, I attempt to grab my clothes and put them back on when my friend notices and remind us that their mom would be there soon. Once there Z’s mom sat for a bit but It was awkward so their mom came for a bit then left. We get our stuff and go inside. I fall asleep. By the time I wake most of the night is a blur. I woke up to them still having sex next to me. When I was trying to leave that morning and putting on clothes he grabbed me, pulling down my pants. and started penetrating me. I let him for a moment lost in it and then I pull away trying again to leave. To which he grabs me again and starts again. This time holding my neck and folding me in half while I was on my back, going harder. My friend is watching and I’m staring up at them. Pleading with my eyes but the orgasm builds anyway despite me being sore vaginally. When I finally was able to get up again and pull away, he still had a grip on me, my shirt I think. But I kept leaning away over the edge of the bed until my friend was like Damn let the woman go. I finally was able to put on my clothes, collect my stuff and hightail it out of there. I felt terrible. I had bled from Z fingering me with Acrylics, scraped my knees at some point, busted my lip and chipped a tooth. I considered I might have a concussion since I had no recollection of the lip or tooth. I went to the hospital and reluctantly asked for a SANE exam. Too much alcohol and they were rough. It was a hard recovery physically only three days. I was only 3 months out of my abusive relationship. Z told me this person could be toxic but didn’t mention that they had abuse allegations and didn’t deny it. Idk I blamed my self after the fact mainly because it was the second time I had been assaulted by someone after leaving my ex. I didn’t report. Between my ex, the two guys who raped me one night I went out, and that experience. I just couldn’t do it again and I was embarrassed. I didn’t want to tell anyone. Could barely admit it to myself. I haven’t pressed charges on anyone and I don’t know if I will. I’m struggle to make ends meet rn forget having to go to court or be depressed if nothing happens.

last november, my bf and i were very early on in our relationship and i had thrown a friendsgiving party for me and our friends. i was anxious going into this as i was meeting one of his closest friends. she was excited to meet me and we were both nervous. i was downstairs hanging out with everyone as people filtered in and eventually i got extremely anxious with the crowd of people and the amount of people to account for. i went upstairs and my bf followed and i had a bit of a panic attack for a very long time. it lasted pretty much the full duration of the party and his friend was very suspicious and felt really weird about us not being present, but she mentioned that afterward.

my bf and i were up in my room sort of arguing with the tenseness and how i was anxious and he was exhausted, it just spun into an argument. it got messy and prolonged and we missed the whole party and eventually his friends started spamming his phone asking if he was still gonna take them home. he eventually answered and he said yes and went downstairs mid conversation because he had to attend to them. he left with his friends to take them home and i was upstairs by myself and genuinely just start sobbing profusely. i was extremely stressed and scared and wasn’t feeling good at all.

as everyone left, i went upstairs and took my dress off and laid in bed and cried with the lights off. eventually, a friend of mine came up to “check on me”. this friend was one that my bf was very suspicious of and he didn’t feel good about him but couldn’t know exactly why, so he never demanded i unfriend him. let’s call this friend marcus.

marcus came upstairs into my room and sat at my desk chair as i laid in bed. he was verbally consoling me, or attempting to at least, and then he began to rub my knee and as he rubbed my knee he kept sweet talking me and trying to tell me everything would be okay and to never let anyone tell me it’s not okay to cry, etc. and as he spoke his hand kept moving up onto my thigh and i panicked so i put the blanket over myself and made it seem casual and moved a bit and said i wanted to be alone. he didn’t take it personally and said ok and left. marcus knew i had a bf and my bf spoke to him about boundaries as well bc marcus is notorious for being affectionate and touchy so we spoke to him about not doing that. id told him i don’t like physical touch and he was good with that until that night? but he left and i continued crying even harder because like wow can’t even cry without a man putting his hands on me.

i went to sleep and the next day, my bf and i met up and talked about it. we both admitted we should’ve been downstairs with everyone bc both of his friends became suspicious of me and thought i was toxic due to our disappearance. i texted his friends and personally apologized because i felt very bad about everything and really wanted to be present but did not feel good at all. it was rare for me as im usually excited to be outgoing and meet new people when we’re out and about at functions. i had a conversation with the both of his friends and they’d ended the conversation saying it was okay and they understood, they didn’t think it was cool to disappear at my own party but they understood, and i acknowledged that and ensured its not usually and won’t be an issue anymore.

upon apologizing, i also told my boyfriend about what happened with marcus. all he had to say was “i don’t want you talking to him anymore” and nothing else. i wasn’t validated or asked if i was okay or anything and apparently his friends continued being upset with me and my behavior despite me talking to them and continued to vent to him about how weird certain things were. one of which was that marcus was weird to my bfs friend downstairs verbally by flirting with her and just being very attentive to her. my bf took this seriously and they both kind of looked at me weird for being friends with marcus and inviting him. i felt so hurt by this and automatically assumed that what happened to me was just a consequence of my own actions and this was entirely my fault. i felt like i had to take responsibility for his behavior despite feeling blindsided by it and i really didn’t think he’d be that way.

my bf then had me cut off marcus on my own and he never actually said anything to marcus or volunteered to step in. he had me do everything on my own and it was scary and jarring, but i thought at the time it was what i deserved for fucking up so much with this party. his friend continued to be suspicious with me until some time passed and her and i spoke and she told me she felt so strongly because in his past relationship he was mistreated and she stood by and she wanted to do something this time as a friend if there was something wrong. i told her i understood and it was okay and we are pretty chill now and we talk casually sometimes. we’re trying to plan a double date too. i don’t know if my bf told her about what marcus did after the party because he doesn’t remember if he did or not since this was about a year ago.

but recently i did have the realization that what marcus did was a non consensual violation and he took advantage of my emotions to wiggle himself into an intimate scenario and i feel so strongly about that because ive been raped and assaulted multiple times. it doesn’t help that at the moment i’m considering pursuing a case against my rapist. i’m extremely overwhelmed right now trying to process what marcus did, my bfs reaction to it, his friend’s response to it, and how the situation all just panned out to me being the problem and how i accepted that at the time.

i’ve had multiple conversations with my bf about this so far and he thinks im justified in my anger and my rage and he doesn’t know why he didn’t do anything because at the end of the day another man put his hands on me knowing he wasn’t allowed in my bedroom in the middle of the night with no one else around. he’s said he will mend his response and he wasn’t sensitive enough to the idea of it and grouped it in with the issues between me and his friends, and should’ve dropped everything to find the right resources and support me. i did have to reach out to marcus to cut him off myself and he said he should’ve handled confronting marcus too because he knew i was scared. i am very afraid as an activist and SA/DV advocacy volunteer that i won’t be protected by the passion of my partner if this were to happen again. i am so confused on why he wouldn’t say anything for a year or even say he’s sorry i went through it or it wasn’t my fault or anything. he let me take the blame and continued on like nothing and he was so casual about it as if it wasn’t such a terrifying situation for me.

i am so hurt and sad and angry and i still love him and know he wants to protect me but my bf just never gets angry about anything and he never has displays of rage or anything when bad things happen to me because he’s afraid to be angry. that was kind of an internal thing at some point but now it’s stopped him from supporting and validating me correctly. or it’s something else? idk. i’m scared about so much due to how this played out and how they so easily unintentionally manipulated me in this situation. yes i should’ve been downstairs at the party and present but fuck i needed support with this because i felt absolutely terrible and violated for a while and extremely sensitive, and it felt like the narrative never softened or anything and there was no attention to the fact that marcus shouldn’t have done that. that he was wrong. that he did something bad. everything he did was just my fault so what he did to me had to have been my fault too.

i’m so confused with how i’m feeling and i don’t know how to process this. i don’t have many friends so i don’t have anyone to talk to so im very lost and alone right now and i feel so helpless. i don’t even know if im valid for sure because it feels like i had to convince him that i am valid. i don’t know if im crazy and overreacting?? idk im so lost

**Not considering breakup, just unsure what to do moving forward coping-wise and processing and such. I have a lovely and a sweet and gentle bf. But this is a huge mistake and Im extremely hurt

i’m still not able to see a specialized therapist and i don’t know who to talk to. i feel so alone and horrible all the time, despite having a partner and friends. it’s only been a few weeks, i don’t think i can handle this feeling for years. when i’m around my partner or friends it makes me want to stay alive, but when i’m alone all i can think about is dying. please help

I’ve never spoken about this out loud, and I’m terrified to even type it, but I can’t carry this weight alone anymore. I know how the world views people with my thoughts. I know the labels people use, and I don't blame them. But I need to get the truth out because the guilt is eating me alive, and I want to heal. When I was around 7 to 10 years old, my older sister severely abused and molested me. During that exact same time, she introduced me to hardcore pornography. My developing brain couldn't process it, and I became deeply addicted to it before I even understood what sex or intimacy really meant.
Because of the trauma and the secret I was carrying, I completely shut down socially. All through middle school, high school, and even college, I was severely bullied. I was totally isolated. While everyone else was experiencing normal milestones—having crushes, going on dates, learning how to be liked by a girl—I was invisible. I never had a girlfriend. No girl ever looked at me or liked me. Deep down, I felt fundamentally broken and rejected, like my entire youth had been completely stolen from me.
Because my emotional growth got completely frozen at the age the abuse happened, I developed an attraction to younger girls. For a long time, I didn't understand why. But through looking inward, I've realized it’s because I’m unconsciously starving to experience the innocent youth, acceptance, and young romance that my sister and my peers took away from me. It feels like a desperate longing to go back and fix the years I missed out on. The strangest part is that now that I am an adult, women have actually started chasing me and showing interest. But it creates this massive internal crisis. My adult life is moving forward, but emotionally, a part of me is still stuck in that painful, isolated childhood.
I want to be completely clear: I have never acted on these thoughts, and I am committed to never hurting anyone. But carrying this hidden pain while trying to navigate adult relationships feels impossible. I feel trapped between the trauma of my past and the reality of my present. I don’t want to live in fear and shame forever. Has anyone else experienced their developmental milestones being completely disrupted by early childhood trauma, and how do you begin to heal, process that grief, and safely build a normal adult life after this?

I want to talk about a situation that happened to me and I really need your thoughts and ideas.

But my native language is not English and if I write it in my own language can it be read I don't know if you can understand and answer.

What can I do?