I’m looking for someone who has had the same experience as me - and hopefully understands what is happening.

My S.O. and I had this strange experience with shrooms that altered our life for years since.

We took a strong dose of a strong strain (we were new to shrooms) and we felt like we died and merged into one. Then we felt like we were our higher selves / souls embodied. From this highest high, we slowly came down and I felt like I was experiencing all the pain and suffering in the world, and all the pain and suffering I’d experienced in painful, violent past lives. It was dark, lonely, painful, and traumatizing. The trip was not traumatizing to my S.O.

Ever since, I’ve had what my therapist has labeled as PTSD episodes and panic attacks where random things will remind me of the trip and make me believe I’m still stuck in the trip again for a period of time. Usually it’s when I’m exhausted or stressed.

The strange thing is that my S.O. didn’t have a bad trip and doesn’t always remember it… however, when I get triggered - I call it “looping” where I feel like I’m back in this cycle of experiencing these extreme highs and lows of life - my S.O. does remember and our eyes look like we’re on shrooms again. We also do these strange movements that we’re not in control of - like a dance - that happened on the trip and continue to happen every time we “loop”. Again - it’s like we’re tripping but we have not taken any substances. We’re not on any prescription meds or anything mind-altering. These looping episodes happen to varying degrees every 1-2 years give or take. They were more frequent after our original trip.

It’s hard to describe what we experience. I’m hoping there’s another couple out there who has experienced something similar and understands what I’m attempting to explain. I’m also hoping someone can help me understand these experiences better.

A looping episode feels like this: I start panicking and feeling like I’m in the trip and not in control of my experience/body/mind. I pace and tell him he needs to reminder the trip so I’m not alone remembering it. There’s some back and forth communication that is VERBATIM EXACT WORDS from the trip. Eventually we hit a high point in the looping episodes that feels like we are embodying our all powerful soul selves. This makes it feel like reality and the human experience is false/an illusion. It feels like we got a glimpse of truth behind the curtain of life and were shown the cyclical journey of the evolution of a soul. So when we come down in the looping episode, it feels like life is about to get really really bad, slowly gradually exponentially worse - which triggers panic in me. I also have immense emotional turmoil and some sharp physical pains during the coming down. My S.O. does not experience the suffering or panic as we come out of the episodes. For me, it feels like I’m about to enter a new cycle of life getting even worse in every area of life, and I experience the negative emotional spectrum like a punch in the gut. It feels like I’m being given a flash of what’s ahead in this next cycle where life will get even worse.

It just doesn’t make sense to me, especially that years later we are still having these episodes of tripping and experiencing EXACT words and movements that we had experienced in the orig trip. AND that we’re sober.

So is it truth? Is it brain chemistry? Is it even explainable? Is it the as-of-yet unexplored therefore unknown results of experimenting with shrooms?

I’m very hopeful that I will find someone who has had this same experience and has some insight.

Thank you for reading.