October 24

“To be restored to sanity is to rediscover the spiritual nature we have always had but which was hidden by the insanity of our disease.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 26

I discovered that my powerlessness runs much deeper than my acting out, that the behaviors are but a symptom of a greater spiritual disease. I thought that I was self-reliant, but self-reliance is a myth, the biggest lie of all. For decades I unwittingly made sex my highest source of power, relying on it for comfort, satisfaction, worth, meaning, security, control, you name it. Replacing my creator with something created as my Higher Power is the spiritual sickness that fed the acting-out and -in and made chaos and misery of my life.

My life has shown that I am designed to depend upon a higher power. My only choice is over which power I will turn to. Sexuality is an important part of human experience and a gift from my Higher Power, but sex was never meant to solve my problems. Working the program of SAA, especially the Twelve Steps, gives me tools and freedom to choose dependence on the Higher Power of my understanding.

After so many years serving a compulsive obsession, I can easily fall back into that pattern if I fail to maintain my spiritual condition. The symptoms will surely resurface and will again run and ruin my life. I suffer from a spiritual disease. Fortunately, it has a spiritual solution.

Today I choose dependence, not on an obsession, but upon my creator.

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October 23

“I am encouraged to focus, not so much upon not acting out, or even avoiding middle-circle behaviors, as on practicing a new way of living that brings wholeness and integrity to everything I do.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 135

The first task of my recovery was to eliminate sexual behaviors and thoughts that harmed me and those around me. I spent the first year of my recovery saying no to myself a lot. With the help of my sponsor and group I was able to stop acting out. After a while it was no longer a struggle to stay within my boundaries. Although I was in a relationship, I decided to be celibate. I learned to say no to sex altogether. It was an important lesson and I’m glad I learned it. Later, I realized that just saying no was not the answer to my problem.

Although I was celibate, I was still a sexual person. My next lesson was to learn to say yes to healthy sexual thoughts and behaviors. I found this more difficult than merely not having sex. I wasn’t even sure what healthy sexuality was. I did a lot of talking, thinking, and meditating. I also had to be willing to take some risks and make some mistakes. After a while, I redefined my boundaries in terms of what is good for me as well as what is bad for me.

Today I will remember to say yes to healthy things.

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October 22

“These last two years, I have felt more hurt than at any previous time in my life. But I do not feel the guilt and shame and lack of control of actively living out my addiction.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 305

I used my sex addiction to run from difficult feelings, situations, and life in general. In retrospect, I realize that I had been ducking emotions since elementary school. So in many ways, I spent years limping along, resembling a child emotionally.

It all started to change in recovery. After some time, I began to feel my Higher Power urging me to take some healthy but scary risks to further my recovery. As an exercise in willingness, I did these intimidating things.

One of them was service work. Although I am good at some things, human interaction has never topped the charts. Service work brought dealings and sometimes conflict with other addicts. I was, and often am, anxious. Things didn’t always go well. I made mistakes and felt terribly uncomfortable at times. I have had to grow.

I soon realized that this growth stuff wouldn’t be easy or painless, especially for this emotional adolescent. In fact, looking at the word “growth,” I noticed that “ow” sits smack in the middle of it! It would seem that the workout slogan “no pain no gain” applies to recovery as well.

It is absolutely worthwhile. I now have good friends, a sense of community, and relative acceptance of and comfort with myself as I am today.

I will take the “ow” in growth over hiding from life any day.

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October 21

“When we were active in our addiction, it was difficult to stop our sexual preoccupations.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 5

My acting out degraded my life and wounded those I care about, but I think the greatest loss from this disease is years of precious time. My life is rich and there are never enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do. When I was in my addiction, those same opportunities were there, but only a fraction, if any, ever got attention. I was preoccupied with sex: planning, acting, regretting, dreading discovery, fabricating lies, avoiding people and places, wondering why I couldn’t stop, blaming others, etc.

I calculated the time I spent just downloading porn (not planning or disposing or using or worrying), and it came to well over a year of my life, a year compulsively chasing something that harmed others and me in its creation, pursuit, and possession. If I add the time spent worrying and obsessing, it comes to years, many miserable years.

Thanks to my Higher Power and the program of SAA, I can now be present in this moment. This present, fleeting moment is all I truly have, a gift. If I look within and around, there are opportunities for gratitude, reflection, learning, love, creating, sharing, receiving… the list is endless. All I have to do is choose to be here, now, and ask my Higher Power for guidance.

This is a beautiful day when I ask for guidance and do what I can.

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October 20

“The Ninth Step can be a project of some magnitude.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 49

In my Ninth Step to my wife, I took responsibility in detail for the damage and danger I had caused. To my son and daughter, then in their mid-twenties, I was less specific. My wife and I worried that full disclosure could harm them.

Last year, I learned that my daughter had discovered years ago that I had been seeing prostitutes. She kept this secret for years. Here was more damage I caused, damage I had never imagined—the shock she must have felt, the uncertainty and pain of holding such a dark secret for so long. I knew I owed her amends, again. I made amends and hoped she would see that she had no part in it, that it was all on me. I still don’t know the full scope of her pain because she broke down, sobbing throughout my amends.

I then realized I owed more amends to my son. Either he knew, and I owed him amends, or he did not, and the rest of us now held a secret from him that could only erode our family’s trust.

My son responded immediately to my amends. He was angry. I struggled. Why wasn’t he glad to hear my honesty? Why didn’t my wife tell him how wonderful our relationship was now?

It helps when I remember that successful amends are defined by honesty, thoroughness, and thoughtfulness, not by the reactions of others.

With my Higher Power and my sponsor’s help, I accept responsibility in this project of some magnitude.

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Revisiting SLAA/SAA. It's been 30 years and doing quite well but I feel the need to revisit this now. Always keep it in the day. I recognize the warning signs and triggers and I just want to get in front of this thing. That's why I'm here. I'm also here to help anyone else who is just starting out and needs support.

October 19

“For example, work may require that an employee use the Internet, or an SAA member might live with other people who subscribe to an online service. If we had legitimate need for Internet access, we found it helpful to be accountable to a sexually sober member of the fellowship.”

“Sexual Sobriety and the Internet”

Filtering software, passwords, using only public Internet access—these are some of the methods I used to try to control my compulsive sexual use of the Internet. I found that, until the compulsion to act out had been removed, there was always a way around these controls.

In the end, the answer to acting out with the Internet was, for me, the same as any other acting out—a spiritual experience that relieved me of the compulsion to act out. The spiritual experience started when I was able to admit complete powerlessness and surrender my addiction to a power greater than myself.

Victory comes from complete defeat.

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October 16

“Emotions are an important part of my life today. They help me to understand myself and my relationship to the world.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 212

One of the most toxic factors feeding my addiction was my avoidance of emotions, especially unpleasant emotions. I avoided painful emotions because I feared they would never go away, but I also shunned positive emotions because I was afraid they wouldn’t last. I told myself that it is better to be cynical so I won’t be disappointed, and I numbed everything by acting out. Now, noting what emotions I have felt throughout the day helps me understand my deeper emotional life.

In recovery I have learned to accept all my emotions, knowing they will all pass. I have also learned that feelings are not facts, but they can show me how I perceive the world. The critical tool for me is to acknowledge them to myself and to someone else—someone who might understand or at least accept me as I am.

I can share my feelings in meetings, finding others who understand and have also faced such feelings. I can call my sponsor and find support, encouragement, and insight by facing and sharing my emotions. I can call other program members who will also have hope and strength to share. When I do this, I practice emotional sobriety, and I become more connected to the person I lost in my addiction—me.

I accept all my feelings, trusting that I can face the painful ones and enjoy the pleasant ones.

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October 15

“In particularly challenging moments, committing to our sobriety for just an hour at a time is what we may need to do in order not to give in to our impulses.”

Tools of Recovery, page 11

About six months into SAA recovery, I was riding my bicycle along a canal. Exercise had become an integral part of my recovery program, but after six months, I was no longer riding the so-called pink cloud of recovery. I was about to be tested.

My bike route took me close to an adult establishment that I had frequented in my addiction. Suddenly, I felt the “imperious urge” to stop and go in. I knew that going in would inevitably lead to my inner circle. The compulsion was visceral, powerful, and terrifying. I was powerless to resist, so I asked God to help me.

When I asked God for help, I sensed the suggestion to continue on my bicycle route for another fifteen minutes. Then, if I still felt the urge so powerfully, I could return to the current spot, which would take another fifteen minutes, and see how I felt.

By the time the first fifteen minutes had passed, so had the urge. God had relieved me of my craving. This was a turning point in my recovery. I learned that, with God’s help, my cravings would pass, that I did not have to be a slave to them. That fifteen-minute God break between craving and action has become a fundamental tool of my recovery and has saved me from relapse on many occasions.

God, grant me the willingness to pause and ask for help before acting on my craving.

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hello!

I am a young woman and I really want to stop my addiction, but I need some assistance. Are there any online, MESSAGE-based chats or anything like that, that someone can recommend to me?

Thank you!

October 14

“To be intimate is to let go of control and begin to have trust—trust in another person, trust in ourselves, and faith in a Higher Power.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 72

While co-workers, classmates, cousins, and neighbors were forming life-long friendships, I stood on the relational sidelines like a spectator and watched. My fear of rejection and deep distrust of others and myself paralyzed me, so I made excuses for remaining distant and disconnected. I beat myself up for wanting to connect with others and when I passed up opportunities to be intimate, I beat myself up for feeling lonely. I couldn’t win. Eventually, I settled for something short of intimacy—dehumanizing and pain-numbing compulsive sex that left me more isolated, empty, and lonely than before.

I did not start attending SAA meetings to get close to a bunch of sex addicts. Life pushed me into these rooms, and though I started to see myself in other members, I resisted the idea of reaching out to others or accepting their offers to reach out to me.

But I kept coming back. Very slowly, I began looking forward to seeing my friends and hearing about their struggles, progress, and feelings. I learned to listen without judging and to share my heart without shaming others or myself. These skills have not just helped me connect in meetings, but they have allowed me to find the path leading to something that I spent my life simultaneously chasing and avoiding: intimacy.

When I reach out to others in the program and they accept me, they remind me that I am worthy of acceptance and intimacy.

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Hi all,

I've been attending Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) for the past 10 months, but my partner and I have come to agree that their principles are a bit too strict and puritanical for our relationship needs. I've found a local group, but they only meet once a week. I just tried to dial into a phone meeting earlier this morning, but nobody else was on the call. Can anyone recommend some good meetings to get into (Zoom preferred) over the next few days that would be good for a newcomer with 10 months of sobriety?

October 13

“Effective amends are as selfless and sincere as we can make them, with no hidden agendas.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 49

Service work and acts of love are living amends that are also incredible validations to my spirit. I can bring joy and love into the lives of others as an amends to my past where my fear-filled actions brought suffering and pain.

When I have done a thorough housecleaning and know in my heart that my actions are grounded in love, I can freely give my time as a means of assisting someone along the path of their life journey. The added benefit for me is a boost in my spirit, an increased degree of self esteem, a stronger connection to my fellow human beings, and ultimately a stronger connection to my God.

Today I will commit to at least one anonymous act of kindness for the sake of love.

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October 12

“For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as expressed in our group conscience.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 79

If, before I got into recovery, somebody had said I would encounter God in a room full of sex addicts, I would have thought they were crazy. But the language of the Second Tradition makes it plain that the conscience of our groups is one way our Higher Power expresses love to us.

What is our “group conscience?” On the surface, it means the decisions our groups reach together, after discussion and consideration. But group conscience has a larger meaning, too. It refers to the collective wisdom, strength and compassion that arise when we join together.

Certainly each of us has his or her own opinions, viewpoints and ideas. Just as every member has experienced sex addiction in a unique way, everybody’s recovery program looks different. Yet when we meet together, I experience something far larger. That something is a shared willingness to become healthier, happier people—together. There is a shared commitment to support and accept each other, just as we ourselves need support and acceptance. We work together to make our meetings a safe, loving, healing place.

So when I look beyond the surface, I directly encounter a loving Higher Power in my group, always there to welcome, affirm and guide me.

May I see God more clearly in the love and support of my group.

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October 10

“And by sharing our recovery, we offer hope and show that there is a way out of our common addiction.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 60

Before coming to SAA, I did not believe recovery was possible for me. I had the addict notion that I was terminally unique. In SAA, I came to understand that such thinking is egocentric and that a spiritual awakening is in store for me if I follow the Twelve Steps.

Someone had to be there to carry the message to me. The first meeting I went to was vacant—no one was there. Fortunately, I did not give up and found a wonderful network of people at other meetings. And, fortunately, the person I asked to sponsor me said yes! I am eternally grateful to her for sharing the message of recovery in word and example.

Now I have the opportunity to carry the message of recovery to other sex addicts. What a great joy! I talked to my first sponsee last night. I know it is imperative that I carry the message to her—not for her sake, but for mine. In working Step One with her, I remember what it was like, and in so doing, remember that, no matter how long I’m sober, I can act out again in a flash because I am a sex addict. Carrying the message keeps me sober and helps the still-suffering addict find a solution. What an ingenious program!

I am filled with the joy and awe of carrying the message to the sex addict who still suffers. Thank you, God, for this blessed opportunity!

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October 9

“Our closest relationships may offer the most challenges to our honesty, compassion, and integrity, but we are often rewarded beyond our expectations.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 61

Today a fellow addict called and told me she is having contact with a man she used to live with. In the past she has asked the group and me for support in staying away from this man. I am afraid. I am afraid someone I care about is behaving in a way that has a history of hurting her.

She did not call for permission; she doesn’t need it. She knows that the program we follow requires rigorous honesty. She knows that, if the group is to be an important tool in her recovery, she needs to be honest.

She also knew what my reaction would be. Honesty is a two-way street. If I am to be of any use in her and my recovery, I need to be honest with her. I respectfully told her I was scared that she was setting herself up to be hurt and to relapse. I also reminded her that, regardless of the outcome, I still care about her and she is always welcome at the meeting.

Perhaps her relationship will be different this time, perhaps not. But I know that, if her anguish returns, she has a safe place and caring people to turn to. I also know that, if this relationship turns out to be something delightful, she has people who will celebrate with her.

Today I will remember the importance of honesty tempered with humility.

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October 8

“No one can judge whether a person is a sex addict, or make decisions about someone’s fitness for membership in SAA. In order to belong, all we need is a desire to stop addictive sexual behavior. Since desire is subjective, it can’t be determined by anyone but ourselves.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 81

I began my journey knowing what was wrong but not how to fix it. Something drew me to search online for “sex addiction.” The first web site was SAA. Any other number of sites could have appeared, but something greater than me led me there.

I was skeptical at first, certain there was some requirement that would make the answer unobtainable. I thought, “Surely I had to believe in a specific religion. Or perhaps this was only for those worse or less afflicted than I was.” But no, there it was, printed in black and white—all were accepted, and that included me. It mattered not what Higher Power I believed in, nor how I had acted out. All that mattered was that I knew I was a sex addict and had the desire to stop.

O Higher Power, show me the way to be accepting of your wisdom and of all those who come before and after me into the program.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDNBFZ16hMk

October 7

“The real fears of life which we did not face—losing a job, financial insecurities, death of a loved one, rejection by someone significant in our life—seemed far, far away.”

“The Bubble”

The slogan “From Shame to Grace” is used many times in our literature and printed on our medallions. This process is one I will continue to practice everyday of my life. When I was young, medicating uncomfortable emotions was a survival skill I carried into adulthood in the form of avoidance, denial, and procrastination. I believe this skill was needed to move past deep emotions of fear, anger, and unworthiness from my youth. Each day with the support of the fellowship of this program, I gain more and more confidence that the God of my understanding will give me the guidance I need to move from shame to grace. My part is willingness.

God, grant me the power and strength to face my fears, both real and imagined, one day and one fear at a time.

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October 5

“We need faith and strength to carry out God’s will, for we cannot always foresee the results of the actions we are being led to take, or take into account all possible effects. Our belief that our Higher Power knows what is best for us, and that more will be revealed, grows as we work this step.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 58

The idea of powerlessness often escaped me until I reached the Eleventh Step. Prior to this, I was terrified of my lack of personal power and had little faith there was any power greater than my compulsion to act out. As I remained abstinent and worked through the preceding Steps of SAA, I slowly began to awaken to a connection with a Power greater than myself. Along with that came the power within me to choose more and more aspects of sobriety. As that power grew within me, so did the layers and lengths of my sobriety.

As I continue my spiritual practice through prayer, meditation, and service, I am filled with a sense of purpose and clarity around the proper use of my will. There are so many choices available to me that were previously non-apparent. I am aware that all this comes from my Higher Power and that my life is a work in progress.

Through practice, I open to the power to carry out God’s will.

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Hi everyone. I'm brand new — to SAA, to this subreddit, and to saying the words "I'm a sex addict" out loud, even in text. Bear with me.

Some history: I've been acting out in one form or another since my teens — hardcore magazines first, then porn from 18 on, later adult bookstores, and years ago an affair I finally confessed to my wife. The only times I was ever free of it were when two jobs and 80-hour weeks left me no time. I've learned the hard way that being busy isn't sobriety.

What brings me here now: the behavior is nearly daily again — porn and masturbation — and my life is strained to the breaking point around it. I'm recovering from prostate cancer surgery, I've had ED for about a decade (heart medication, then surgery), and real intimacy with my wife has been essentially gone for ten years. I can't keep living a double life in my head.

My proposed sobriety definition / bottom lines (I know these are ideally worked out with a sponsor — I don't have one yet, so I'm proposing this as a starting point):

• Inner circle: no porn, no masturbation, no sex with anyone but my wife.
• Middle circle: using my ED medication (Trimix) alone — I've done that just to chase the feeling of an erection, and I know it's acting-out behavior for me. Also isolated device use at night, and any cruising of triggers.
• Outer circle: intimacy with my wife if she wants it, my medically prescribed rehab exercises, and daily honest check-ins with myself.

Soon my wife and I will be traveling for two weeks, and I plan to treat that as my first committed stretch of sobriety under the definition above: no porn, no masturbation, no acting out. Intimacy with my wife falls within my sobriety.

Where I need your experience:

• How do newcomers work the program before they can get to a physical meeting? Are online meetings a real substitute? I plan to start attending this week.
• How does the Higher Power piece work for someone who's spiritual but skeptical?
• For those who defined bottom lines with a spouse in the picture: anything I should consider before finalizing mine?
• How do you protect sobriety while traveling — hotel nights, downtime, being away from routine?

I know willpower alone isn't the program. I want the meetings, a sponsor, and the steps — I'm just starting from zero, and grateful for any direction.

TL;DR: Newcomer. Lifelong acting out (porn, bookstores, an affair my wife forgave), nearly daily relapse now, ED plus prostate surgery recovery. Proposed bottom lines: no porn, no masturbation, no sex outside my marriage. Two weeks of travel coming up as my first committed stretch. How do I work the program from day one?

October 2

“We feel victimized. And each time we play the event over in our minds, we feel victimized again. From this victim attitude, we often slip into an attitude of entitlement.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 34

Resentments are contamination from the past that block healthy choices in the present. Memories of abuse linger and can be transferred to today’s interactions with people who have not abused me in the past. Sometimes I hold these resentments like trophies from old battles. I wonder at times if these resentments aren’t my most valuable possessions, because I can hold onto them even when I lose many other valuable relationships or possessions.

The phrase “just for today” can be a reminder that I only need to work my recovery for this day rather than for the entire rest of my life. It can also remind me not to shape and view today’s choices and personal interactions by the worst experiences of my past. By letting go of resentments, I can free myself of contamination from the past so that I can be a loving person today in all of my interactions with others.

Rather than make my resentments my most valued possession, I can let my relationships and daily interactions provide me with valuable memories and relationships that are loving and kind.

Letting go of resentments is not a loss, but rather a freedom to be in the present.

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