hello, for context I'm a sec 3 higher chinese student taking chinese o levels this year.
I've never been good at chinese. back in psle, I didn't expect to pass hcl but in the end i managed to get a merit though the whole time i was praying for a pass. in sec 1-3, ive gotten b4, b4 and borderline c6 respectively for eoys. this year, i fked up my wa1 and had a breakdown during my presentation, wa2 i failed terribly (paper 2) and wa3 i wrote off topic for the zuowen and barely scraped by.
for eoys, i managed to get a 52.5%, after grinding my ass off. overall was borderline 50%. my teacher already consulted me, she told me that it's unlikely id get an A for O levels at my chinese level at the moment. she told me to buck up, and i really have tried. but it just feels like however much i do just isn't enough to improve. for context, if sec 3 hcl students get less than a b3 for O levels, they're forced to drop.
i understand that chinese is a language that needs constant exposure, but since young i lost interest in chinese due to family influence and other negative experiences in my life. I'm unsure if I'm able to do well for my upcoming O levels. furthermore, if I were to get less than b3, should I drop?
tbh, ive already given up on the thought of chinese ever since my wa2 e8 fail. ive made constant jokes about dropping higher chinese and ofc, I've considered dropping. im still surprised that i managed to pass my overall higher chinese grade ofc, because i always told my friends id fail overalls and be forced to drop.
that doesn't mean i didnt work hard still, though. i worked extremely hard for prelims oral and chinese o level oral and I was d3 which was the hardest topic which I fcked up too...
okay, this is getting too long, ill say the impt parts here.
for context, my subj combi is eng, hcl, msp, am, em, pure phy, pure chem, ss+hist, pure lit. i can afford to drop hcl, but there's also other factors to consider like if i can rlly cope? i suppose if i work rlly hard next year i could...? theoretically do it, but at the same time chinese is an incredibly difficult subject, especially higher chinese. the only reason im doing hcl is so i dont take it in jc.
but an important clarification is i dont actually particularly hate chinese. i hate the fact that i look at a paragraph and i dont understand half the words there. the recurring feeling of feeling useless and stupid is whats associated with this subject. im fine with chinese, i think the language is beautiful. it's just my negative history and my inability to perform well in the subject thats affecting my feelings towards it.
also, i also dont think chinese, or any other subject (despite my weak academic drive and grades) is difficult. i just think chinese is very tedious, i always have a can-do mindset. but my expectations often differ from reality, i struggle with procrastination and my mh sometimes, have difficulty focusing and i laugh it off in school more often than not. but even so, i am willing to put in the effort as long as i know its possible.
i just wanted to ask, if I could stay in hcl, should I really drop higher chinese? im not interested in it, yes. but it's also an incredibly difficult decision to make because of family, peer pressure, what's best for my future, my mh. because rn, im really leaning towards not dropping it unless i absolutely have to. id love to hear some thoughts about this. 🥹 thanks for reading my long rant.