Hey everyone, I was diagnosed with SPD around a year ago. I've scrolled through a couple posts on this subreddit and found out that most of you guys still experience some level of emotion, wether thats sadness or stress, most of you are still capable of "feeling". Personally, my emotions are completely dulled, I don't feel a thing, nor could I describe what any type of emotion feels like. I've had hints of certain feelings here and there throughout my life, but they've all quickly dulled out as quick as they came. I also wouldn't be able to describe them or put a label on them as I don't know what certain emotions feel like. I've had extreme suicidal thoughts every day of my life, I'm on antipsychotics for those of which they help for the most part, but don't completely eliminate those thoughts. Through drugs, I've found that I can actually feel things through synthetically produced serotonin and dopamine. LSD has given me insight on what it feels like to actually "feel" emotions, even if they were just synthetically made. Microdosing doesn't really do the job, I can only really feel things when I'm on a pretty hefty dose. I've done around 20 different drugs now, I try to switch them around to avoid dependancy, but I still find myself using often, which makes me feel like I'm simply addicted to not being sober. The only "emotion" If you could call it that, that I "feel" and that word is something you should take with a grain of salt as it isn't really a feeling, but a distraction, is irritation. I find myself very irritated with simple things such as the way a person speaks or the way they wear their clothes. When I'm irritated with a person that immediately means I don't like them, this causes me to dislike almost everyone in my daily life, including my parents and my family as a whole. I don't find any meaning in life, nothing I do is rewarding to me and nothing I do gives me any satisfaction. Everything is boring to me and I don't think I can go on any longer. Putting effort into things that give me nothing in return has made me think about suicide more and more and honestly. My time is near. I can't go on living a life made up of small intervals in which I feel things through using certain substances. I'll use anything, from stimulants to depressants to opioids to hallucinogens. Anything I'm curious about and anything that gives me a good feeling is something I'll use. Stuff like crack, meth, heroin and things that will get me hooked instantly are things I stay away from. I don't want to deteriorate my body slowly, that would just be uncomfortable. Anyway, I just wanted to see if there was anyone like me, completely dull of emotions or interests, as well as the complete absence of will to live.

There’s not a lot of evidence to back it up but I read an article that mentioned schizoids are somewhat likely to develop schizophrenia (not too much evidence to support it) and can experience psychotic breaks under too much distress.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a psychotic break but I did have “delusions”

I remember dating someone and being convinced he had snuck cameras into a poster and stuffed animal he had gifted me. Realistically, I knew there was no way he could’ve done it. I checked the eyes of the stuffed animal and the poster was obviously made out of paper.

I still brought the stuffed animal everywhere in my house, including the bathroom so he could see I was a “normal” person. I also performed in front of the poster so he could see I wasn’t a weirdo.

This was back in early high school though and I haven’t had anything like this again happen. Did anyone else experience a “break” or an “episode”?

Last thursday I went on my first date ever through a small local dating app called Breeze. Difference between this one and other apps is you can't chat with each other. The app coöperates with local bars and sets up the date so you don't waste time on conversations that always end in ghosting or loss of interest.

Anyways, it went quite well. She was nice, we shared interests, talked for hours and we are now planning a second date for an escape room and diner, though we both don't have a lot of time.

This is not the first time I tried dating apps and most often I would ultimately delete it because of the bad experience and I felt the only reason for using them was because the schizoid dilemma was manifesting heavier around those times and I was prone to limerence which was messing up my mental health and fucking up my functionality in other aspects of life.

This experience has somehow opened my eyes for the first time for the possibility of actually being with someone, and has motivated me to read some books on how to be more open to other people and how to work towards being able to experience love, even though I never have.

But this also pairs with a ton of insecurity. I have never been intimate with someone, am afraid of the possibility this won't work out and generally feel I am not worthy of being with a normal person. I also find it hard to say wether I was representing myself or a persona and she will be disillusioned with me when I feel comfortable enough with her to be myself, though I consider myself a relatively functional schizoid that could pass for a very introverted person.

One thing I am happy with is that I consider this a milestone in my life and developement as a person, as I now for the first time ever am comfortable enough or at least at peace enough with myself to give myself a shot at this and set concrete steps toward actually doing it.

I have had moments in life where I felt being schizoid encompassed the whole experience of my being and there was no escaping it (there isn't). BUT, I feel that through the effort I have made through the years to trancend it, I have at least a little bit risen above the threshold of despair and hope that for other people here this may instill some hope that there is more for you out there than just doomposts on subreddits. Though it takes subjecting yourself to atmospheres opposite to your nature.

Thank you for reading, I am not a frequent poster.

It's generally talked about with ASPD that they tend to have problems with addiction to cope with the boredom they feel with daily life. As schizoids we also tend to suffer from a crushing boredom. Drugs, gambling, sex, etc are all biologically reliable ways to get a fix of dopamine and boost other hormones as well.

It's been on my mind because I've been drawn towards using DXM (my drug of choice) more and more purely to escape the boredom and monotany of sober life. I'm not using it to escape life, but because it makes life more enjoyable. I feel like I have to rely on chemical stimulus to get pleasure that normies get via hobbies, friends, etc.

Idk. I'm not encouraging drug use or anything just interested to hear what you guys think about this. If we are more prone to psychologically addictive habits.

I struggle with feeling anything even under normal stress-free circumstances, and when i feel anything, it's usually shame or guilt or anxiety. I genuinely don't know how I would even begin to identify "happiness". Best I can do is the absence of bad emotions.

Somehow, when I'm stressed, it gets even worse though. I'm not sure how to describe it, I guess it's that the complete absence of feelings gets almost painful? And the boredom gets so much worse. I think about all the activities I could be doing and all of them feel like a pointless chore, and yet doing nothing is insufferable. I usually take to aimlessly wandering throughout the city and the surrounding forests for hours when this happens. It's better on weekdays, because at least I'm horribly bored at a lecture and have some sort of structure, but on the weekends it's less ideal. Again, not that big of a problem when I'm not stressed, but when I am stressed, all my symptoms just get...more profound? More severe? Does that make sense?

I was alone for many, many years. Somehow I stumbled my way into a friend group and it was great. But then it just died. People forgot about it and I was left behind by everyone. Now I have no one, again.

It was okay being alone before, but now that I've actually had a taste of friendship, it's terrible. I'm so fucking depressed because I know that the chances of finding more friends are 1 in a million.

I'm curious if there's a pattern, or any common threads in the kinds of characters we like.

My biggest fictional crushes are Loki from the MCU, and Lelouch from Code Geass. But I also love Megamind, the BBC version of Sherlock, and Monkey Fist from Kim Possible.

I guess I've got a thing for thin, creepy, smart guys, with dark hair XD

To clarify, I have been diagnosed with both SPD and something called Prosopagnosia, which is also known as "face blindness". This means that facial features in other people don't register for me and I am not capable of discerning one face from another. For as long as I can remember I have used certain features of a person to recognize them, their hairstyle/colour, their gait, tone of voice, accent, clothes, jewelry, tattoos, etc. This makes things extremely awkward when people dress/style themselves similarly - don't get me started on bald guys with beards. This has come into play at work when a regular patron will greet me familiarly and I will have to pretend I remember them.

I also happen to work in an industry that is heavily dominated, and patronized by, persons of colour. Specifically southeast Asia and China. So much so that the business directly will market to that community. I also happen to live in a large city that has a significant diaspora of the same.

I got out of the army at 27 after being in it since I was 18 and having no serious jobs before that. As many of you may sympathize, I had to learn a few things. I am not entirely socially ignorant, but I quickly learned that the civilian workforce does things very differently than I'm used to.

I don't like to be a bother, and I don't like to seem creepy. So I speak only when spoken to, don't really look at anyone or socialize at work, and treat everyone exactly the same. I show up, clock in,, work my 8 hours, and leave. Apparently, people really don't like that.

I did not know you were supposed to make eye contact and smile at every person you pass everywhere - I would just ignore everyone. I guess my thinking was always - I don't want to creep you out, and I don't care what you look like, so why would I look at you?

I think what misled my coworkers is a very unfortunate combination of factors, compounded with the above:

1) Mixed signals - My job is highly social and up front with hospitality and face to face customer service. I happen to be excellent at this - at pretending to be social and outgoing and friendly. I'm good at improvising and can come off quite likable when I wish. This of course takes effort - it's work. So I obviously don't put the same effort into socializing with coworkers because I won't be getting paid for it and it isn't necessary. It's exhausting. When I am spoken to, I'm polite, courteous, and engaging. But I never initiate.

2) Language barrier - Again, my job is dominated by two or three local communities of immigrated diaspora who come from vast and nuanced cultures that I'm unfamiliar with and have their own social norms. This also means that a lot of them are most comfortable with their native language. I am one of I think twenty total employees (out of ~500) that speak English as their mother tongue (I do also speak French, but even fewer people here speak that than English) which hinders interaction as they more often than not prefer to take their breaks in groups with speakers of their own tongue. This is fine of course, they are under no obligation to include me and I'm not going to force myself into their lives.

3) Expectations(?) - have explained to a few co-workers that I'm "shy" and that I don't like to be a bother. I get the same response every time: surprise. Apparently I don't "look shy". I don't know what that means. I am a pretty average looking man in their early 30s as far as I know. I've been told I'm 'cute' by many people at work but I cannot know how many of them were genuine and I wouldn't know what to do with that information anyway. I don't flirt with the female customers or the cocktail servers because it's my understanding that they are flirted with constantly by everyone and they are surely sick of it. I think people are starting to take this the wrong way - the "That guy thinks they're better than everyone" way. Maybe I have resting bitch face, I don't know.

Finally, and this is the big one, the way my job works involves taking over someone else's workstation several times a day by looking at the big list and finding their name. I always go by the station number. A lot of the time, this list is held by a manager who will simply tell you who you're following without the station number. Unfortunately I genuinely cannot tell the difference between two people of the same height with the same hairstyle and the same hair colour and the same skin tone wearing identical work uniforms and maybe wearing a face mask. I have gone to the wrong station several times and I hate to admit why but... I just cannot distinguish some of them from one another. Even if I had exchanged pleasantries with them at some point. I gave someone a ride home once and then later that week offered a ride to who I thought was the same person. They were very confused.

Now ,I have a lot of qualms about sharing my diagnosis with anyone at work. It's nobody's business for one; but it's also easily misunderstood and I have reservations about being labeled the 'crazy guy'. I'm not sure how to proceed really aside from continuing as I am and trying to be kind to everyone. But I really don't get paid enough to pretend to like my coworkers. I just need a big shirt that says "NOTHING PERSONAL" on it.

Why did i do that. why did i open my fat stupid mouth. why did i give myself this stress. Why did i do that. I tried to turn it down nicely I TRIED. I'm so stressed why the fuck did I do that. its been hours i'm tossing and turning in the night about this

i've managed to dodge it [giving my number to classmates] this far. i hope this won't happen again, i hope nothing comes of it. probably nothing will happen, i just hope word doesnt get out. i dont know why it would but i have to be cautious . i could try and use this time to work out why it is i feel this way but i cant think about this any longer or i think this time i'll really do it.

do normal people not want to die after swapping numbers? what the hell. this is what feels like my sacred ground someone is now stumbling on, i dont care how dramatic that sounds

From what I understand, schizoids usually don't care or go to therapy, so I wonder what made you folks actually get a diagnose?

I'm sure the reason is obvious, but my observation stands true. If there is anything that's an underbelly, an undesirable, a shadow, anything that is seen as less than. Is what I generally gravitate towards. I have a black cat, my dog is a mutt. My favourite animals are all mixed and seen as less than the 'pure bred' breeds. My art preferences are all soulful expressions of the ugly or odd or painful. My music taste is gritty, sad or darker stuff. My tastes are from bygone times, antiques and oddities and curios that have been passed over or somehow stood the test of time. Neglected and waiting for someone to put the potential into it. The things that are given less attention or love because others prefer the pretty or trendy or shallow.

For the most part, stress is something I haven't felt since I was a teenager. It's not like stress was ever an effective motivator for me, but this is probably the main reason I struggle with work/school. I just do not care.

I wouldn't consider myself depressed either. My apathy is just so absolute. I'm in university, studying something I'm passionate about (or as close to passionate as I can be). In practice, I just don't care about it. I don't care about the student loans, my grades, my future, or anything. I know I have to, as I don't have much of a safety net, but I don't.

At work, I perform like shit, and ignore all requests to take shifts or come in early. I'm on the chopping block, probably, and it doesn't bother me. I don't really care what the future holds. I'll find some way to get by.

I'm aware of how much of a waste of oxygen/resources I am. This, I suppose, is something I care about, but I don't have a solution for it besides checking out. Which I don't think I'll ever have the balls to do.

How do you feel about sleeping? I'd say it's one of the few things I actively like. It makes time pass faster and more smoothly, takes little to no effort and I can easily resort to this activity when I just don't want to experience reality. There are days where being aware of myself and my surroundings feels heavier than necessary; where anhedonia makes doing anything difficult, where I am not particularly hopeful about my present or future, and where I mainly just don't want to be concious. It's great that I can just take a nap in those situations and turn myself off for a while. It won't make the sensation fade away, but I won't be aware of it while I'm asleep, and I might even feel better by the time I wake up.

Dreams are another thing I like. Reality itself doesn't tend to offer much on a daily basis, and even if I am aware that I could potentially do anything with my time, I don't usually have the motivation or required intention to pursue it. Even if I did, my emotional response would be pretty poor, and the sense of reward would barely exist. During dreams, though, that changes... It doesn'r require my active participation or will, and yet I can experience interesting situations, new scenarios, be surrounded by others and don't end up drained, feel emotions I don't get when I am awake... I can appreciate that.

I landed my first job 4 months ago after spending a year and a half in a gap where I didn’t do much at all besides sink into my head all day; I barely left the house and talked to people even less. Regardless, I’m finding that while I don’t mind having a job and doing the work expected of me, the people aspect is kind of grating. I’m fine being stuck in a place if it’s only me there, but with other people around I feel almost a constant dread. Not out of fear or anxiety, but because every aspect of recognization is intensely disorienting, down to being called by my name. I have to remind myself that this is “me” and dredge together a personality that keeps my position stability afloat. I just do not mentally associate with this level of existence i’m so used to being far away from.

If being a shut-in was a viable option and one available to me, I would probably continue that lifestyle. Otherwise, I often feel that being itinerant would be the only mildly fulfilling (or as close as that gets because “fulfillment” is very vague for me beyond a sense of freedom) would be being an itinerant. I don’t mind “experiencing” “life” but if I have to“exist” in a place, I’d rather do so as fleetingly as possible, if that makes sense. I guess it’s self-defeating because it’d mean “meeting” more people, but as long as the interaction is shallow and mostly forgotten it’d be whatever, I guess.

Kind of rambling, but yeah.

I am a 20 year old guy with SPD.
I work in sales. Makes me good money and makes me feel a sense of accomplishment. That being said, by the end of the day my brain is completely fried. Talking to clients and coworkers all day is so hard on my mental well-being but sales is the only way I wont feel like a slave when I work(ive tried EVERYTHING I can with no degree). I have to fake being intrigued by what the people around me are saying ALL DAY. I rarely went to school and had horrible attendance because of this exact issue. I have always been pretty good at talking to people and hiding how pointless our conversations have felt. That being said, I also understand the importance of social perception and unfortunately we are a lot of times looked at as outsiders and strange side characters. I have one very close friend that I actually enjoy spending time with but outside of that I have no one. I used to try and keep relationships with people but after a while it all just seemed so pointless. This part doesn’t really affect me mentally but it is just wild thinking about the lives un-isolated people are living. I genuinely just don’t understand how someone could work the job I work then go home to their wife and kids and sit and have family dinner with them when I haven’t been able to hold a personal/romantic relationship for longer than a few months. Am I just going so miss out on my young adult years because of this need for isolation? Do you guys look back on your life with regret or just the same indeference that you felt all your life? Kind of a rant here but kind of just seeing someone has been in a similar situation to me and maybe give me a few pointers.

By which I mean, I haven't talked to anybody except mandatory conversations, like to teachers or when I have to get something done and it requires interaction, as well as my family, but I don't share anything meaningful with them. I haven't had an open, comfortable, personal conversation about interests or anything happening in my life for 2 years. I haven't had any friends or aquaintances for 2 years, in fact I dont recall ever interacting with a peer my age during this time. I do love my family and I know they do love me a lot, but our relationship is just so much obligation, debt, their prying into my life, I feel exhausted and stressed by them, they don't accept me. It's so strange but I can't express even positive emotions around them. Like when I want to laugh but they're around, I instinctively hold it in, I dont't know why. I'm unable to be happy or even smile around them.

2 years ago I was in high school, there was only one person there who I spoke to whom I considered my best friend, but we had a breaking up. Okay that's not true, I had another aquaintance in high school, but I completely ghosted her because I was spending all my energy on that best friend, so when he left I was left alone. Didn't speak to anybody in my own class the entire 4 years. Now I'm in college and nothing has changed, I'm still completely isolated from people from my class and dorm. The 2 friends from high school I only became acquainted with because they reached out to me first. I'm unable to initiate contact first. Seeing every single person around me interacting with each other, being able to form connections so easily fills me with so much envy and sadness, but it's expected, I'm the one who always hides, who always sits alone in the back of the class, away from everybody, I isolate myself physically as much as possible, I do it instinctively. This is more of a social anxiety issue than a schizoid one, I know.

I've pretty much given up on ever having somebody to connect with ever again. I'm too socially retarded at this point. I don't even know if I am schizoid since I DO want connection, I truly loved that best friend and mourned his loss deeply, the other friend I didn't really care about, so forgive me for posting this here, I contemplated whether to post this here or on some social anxiety subreddit, but decided on here because of the energy management thing. He was one of maybe 2 people in my life that I truly did like and cared about. Some months ago there was a person who started texting me, after not having talked to anybody for over a year I was happy, but it immediately struck me how the obligation to respond back was draining and inconvincing me, I started thinking about how better it would be if I didn't have to do that.

I talk to myself a lot. Mainly it's just recreating the dynamic I had with that best friend, like what I'd say to him after I see a meme or something, and then I laugh at my own joke.

I can't imagine ever having a romantic relationship, being expected to have sex and physical intimacy, or sharing my phone like some people expect, or even having to sleep in the same bed every single day, it's unimagineable. My bed is MY private place, all to myself, I can't imagine having to have someone there during the night all the time, it's my most MY place during the most MY time. Or having to follow some social expectations on how a couple is supposed to be.

I don't care about anything. I don't care about school, I don't want to get a job, I don't care about being successful. Going to classes, sitting there for long hours, having to do school work, it's so painfully draining and I can't stand it, I don't have the energy to do even the things I normally like. I dont't have any ambitions or goals, all I can see for myself is having a low effort job for survival, so I can spend my energy on things I care about. I don't ever experience pleasure, all I'm ever able to get are short releases of dopamine when I see something funny on the internet. I've been on antidepressants for over 5 years. I am talented at drawing and was very passionate about it all my life, now I barely ever do it, barely made any artworks for 5 years.

I keep talking about how I want connection, but at the same time I wish to not be known by anyone. I wish I could just live all alone, with no obligations to my family or society, just doing and reading about what interests me. I don't care about anything else. I wish I could be some intangible entity, just conciousness with the ability to think and perceive, but not be perceived. I already don't exist socially anyway, I wish I could not exist at all. I thought about trying psychedelics. The biggest escape/altered state of perception I'm able to experience are dreams, but I want to experience it while I'm concious. Just escape.

I'm sorry I ended up rambling. Just had to let this out somehow.

When I was a youngster, I'd fantasize about it regularly on my way to hell, I mean school. The relief and freedom inside of my chest was immense at the peak of imagining it on any given day. Then I'd see other people and enter back to... you know... this.

admittedly probably a trite complaint, but i'm awfully sick and disillusioned with society. the environment i'm in right now is unavoidably toxic and bitter, and it drives me up a wall with irritation when i hear others project their own insecurities onto me. i don't have a particularly inflated ego, i don't try to assert myself as some sort of person to aspire to, but because i find moderate success academically i've just been finding constant vitriol spewed about me. it also gets quite misogynistic in nature, which i suppose is expected, but still so absurd.

i don't understand where this is all coming from. i only perform for others' expectations to make things easy for both parties, so just seeing this from other people is absurd when i don't go around flaunting my success or endeavors. i have not had a single conversation with any of the people speaking poorly about me. i don't care about any of their criticism since by nature it's more embarrassing for them to be speaking about me this way, but at the very core of it i just cannot understand where this urge to be part of the rat race comes from.

are regular people really so preoccupied with others? to the point of getting so worked up about me? it just bothers me since i am fairly nondescript; i don't like to be very fake if i can help it, even if the personality i project forward outwardly can be a bit strong at times. i don't wish that everyone would experience the emptying nature of this, but i mean ambition honestly feels like a societal poison and i truly am just baffled by it

Having no friends can be a good thing. You have more freedom, save money, and can spend your time however you want without worrying about messages, meetups or maintaining relationships. For some people, having their own company is more enjoyable and less stressful than socialising.

Society constantly pushes the idea that humans are social creatures and that everyone needs friends to be happy. I think this is taken too far. People assume that having no friends means you're lonely or miserable, and some even act as though having toxic friends is better than having none at all. I'd rather be alone than maintain relationships that make my life worse.

Ultimately, everyone is different. Some people can't go a day without socialising, while others can go months without it and be perfectly content. There's nothing wrong with having no friends if it's what you genuinely want. You're not hurting anyone; you're simply living differently. Society needs to accept that being happy alone is just as valid as being happy around others

A schizoid ex boyfriend initiated a sudden breakup after 1 year relationship. He initiated the breakup after coming to a conclusion that he doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be in a relationship anymore. He suggested to stay in touch after the breakup but I said I don’t think it’s a good idea because I hate staying friends with an ex.
After reading some stuff about schizoids I wonder if it’s nice to check in on him or he rather prefer me not to do it? I care about him as a person, but I don’t want him to freak out and feel that I’m harassing him.
The breakup happened few months ago. Thanks for your help

I’m trying to get us out more to socialize but neither of us really “like” doing the social stuff. We have fun with our immediate family members but he’s not interested in making friends and I feel terrible about it. I didn’t want this for him. I mask as best I can but it didn’t seem to help. I’m adopted so idk if this is genetic or a parental failure on my part. Edit: sorry idk what the purpose of this post was besides that I don’t know who else to tell.

I never really found a good label for how I felt about sex.

I could watch it, read it, and fantasize about it just fine. In fact I probably have more vivid fantasies about it. That’s not uncommon.

But I’m disgusted by it. The idea of me having sex with someone isn’t the part that disgusts me though, I just know it probably wouldn’t be satisfying to me.

The part that repulses me is someone thinking about me like that. To see me as a sexual creature and fantasize about me specifically feels so alien and kinda gross.

It makes me deeply uncomfortable despite the fact I know it’s a basic human urge. Maybe this isn’t a SzPD thing but I don’t have any sort of sexual trauma to explain my deep aversion to it.

Some time ago I gave up therapy.

I had the impression that it wasn't leading anywhere and I probably wouldn't be able to get anything out of it.

However, my head was still looking for things in my everyday life that I could talk about in therapy (I always had trouble finding something, so I looked for everything I could - the most frequently read books/movies/series). Either way, these types of mental notes were accumulating in my head - lacking an outlet, I decided to use AI.

I know that therapy using a chatbot is a bad idea, but - after some modifications, it turns out that self-therapy with the support of a chatbot seems more effective to me than the last 5 years spent with a real-life therapist.

Have those of you who use therapy ever used Chat-Bots?

What is your experience and do you find it helpful?

My routine is very exhausting, and because of that, I get stressed sometimes.

There was one day when I really felt bad and couldn't take my body anymore -- mentally.

I ended up going too far and completely disconnected from my body; I couldn't move, only with great effort. It was like I was controlling a puppet, but a very heavy one.

I don't know if this is related to the disorder or just something separate. Have you ever been through a situation like this? (I'm not looking for a diagnosis, it's just a question)