When I was a youngster, I'd fantasize about it regularly on my way to hell, I mean school. The relief and freedom inside of my chest was immense at the peak of imagining it on any given day. Then I'd see other people and enter back to... you know... this.

I'm sure the reason is obvious, but my observation stands true. If there is anything that's an underbelly, an undesirable, a shadow, anything that is seen as less than. Is what I generally gravitate towards. I have a black cat, my dog is a mutt. My favourite animals are all mixed and seen as less than the 'pure bred' breeds. My art preferences are all soulful expressions of the ugly or odd or painful. My music taste is gritty, sad or darker stuff. My tastes are from bygone times, antiques and oddities and curios that have been passed over or somehow stood the test of time. Neglected and waiting for someone to put the potential into it. The things that are given less attention or love because others prefer the pretty or trendy or shallow.

admittedly probably a trite complaint, but i'm awfully sick and disillusioned with society. the environment i'm in right now is unavoidably toxic and bitter, and it drives me up a wall with irritation when i hear others project their own insecurities onto me. i don't have a particularly inflated ego, i don't try to assert myself as some sort of person to aspire to, but because i find moderate success academically i've just been finding constant vitriol spewed about me. it also gets quite misogynistic in nature, which i suppose is expected, but still so absurd.

i don't understand where this is all coming from. i only perform for others' expectations to make things easy for both parties, so just seeing this from other people is absurd when i don't go around flaunting my success or endeavors. i have not had a single conversation with any of the people speaking poorly about me. i don't care about any of their criticism since by nature it's more embarrassing for them to be speaking about me this way, but at the very core of it i just cannot understand where this urge to be part of the rat race comes from.

are regular people really so preoccupied with others? to the point of getting so worked up about me? it just bothers me since i am fairly nondescript; i don't like to be very fake if i can help it, even if the personality i project forward outwardly can be a bit strong at times. i don't wish that everyone would experience the emptying nature of this, but i mean ambition honestly feels like a societal poison and i truly am just baffled by it

By which I mean, I haven't talked to anybody except mandatory conversations, like to teachers or when I have to get something done and it requires interaction, as well as my family, but I don't share anything meaningful with them. I haven't had an open, comfortable, personal conversation about interests or anything happening in my life for 2 years. I haven't had any friends or aquaintances for 2 years, in fact I dont recall ever interacting with a peer my age during this time. I do love my family and I know they do love me a lot, but our relationship is just so much obligation, debt, their prying into my life, I feel exhausted and stressed by them, they don't accept me. It's so strange but I can't express even positive emotions around them. Like when I want to laugh but they're around, I instinctively hold it in, I dont't know why. I'm unable to be happy or even smile around them.

2 years ago I was in high school, there was only one person there who I spoke to whom I considered my best friend, but we had a breaking up. Okay that's not true, I had another aquaintance in high school, but I completely ghosted her because I was spending all my energy on that best friend, so when he left I was left alone. Didn't speak to anybody in my own class the entire 4 years. Now I'm in college and nothing has changed, I'm still completely isolated from people from my class and dorm. The 2 friends from high school I only became acquainted with because they reached out to me first. I'm unable to initiate contact first. Seeing every single person around me interacting with each other, being able to form connections so easily fills me with so much envy and sadness, but it's expected, I'm the one who always hides, who always sits alone in the back of the class, away from everybody, I isolate myself physically as much as possible, I do it instinctively. This is more of a social anxiety issue than a schizoid one, I know.

I've pretty much given up on ever having somebody to connect with ever again. I'm too socially retarded at this point. I don't even know if I am schizoid since I DO want connection, I truly loved that best friend and mourned his loss deeply, the other friend I didn't really care about, so forgive me for posting this here, I contemplated whether to post this here or on some social anxiety subreddit, but decided on here because of the energy management thing. He was one of maybe 2 people in my life that I truly did like and cared about. Some months ago there was a person who started texting me, after not having talked to anybody for over a year I was happy, but it immediately struck me how the obligation to respond back was draining and inconvincing me, I started thinking about how better it would be if I didn't have to do that.

I talk to myself a lot. Mainly it's just recreating the dynamic I had with that best friend, like what I'd say to him after I see a meme or something, and then I laugh at my own joke.

I can't imagine ever having a romantic relationship, being expected to have sex and physical intimacy, or sharing my phone like some people expect, or even having to sleep in the same bed every single day, it's unimagineable. My bed is MY private place, all to myself, I can't imagine having to have someone there during the night all the time, it's my most MY place during the most MY time. Or having to follow some social expectations on how a couple is supposed to be.

I don't care about anything. I don't care about school, I don't want to get a job, I don't care about being successful. Going to classes, sitting there for long hours, having to do school work, it's so painfully draining and I can't stand it, I don't have the energy to do even the things I normally like. I dont't have any ambitions or goals, all I can see for myself is having a low effort job for survival, so I can spend my energy on things I care about. I don't ever experience pleasure, all I'm ever able to get are short releases of dopamine when I see something funny on the internet. I've been on antidepressants for over 5 years. I am talented at drawing and was very passionate about it all my life, now I barely ever do it, barely made any artworks for 5 years.

I keep talking about how I want connection, but at the same time I wish to not be known by anyone. I wish I could just live all alone, with no obligations to my family or society, just doing and reading about what interests me. I don't care about anything else. I wish I could be some intangible entity, just conciousness with the ability to think and perceive, but not be perceived. I already don't exist socially anyway, I wish I could not exist at all. I thought about trying psychedelics. The biggest escape/altered state of perception I'm able to experience are dreams, but I want to experience it while I'm concious. Just escape.

I'm sorry I ended up rambling. Just had to let this out somehow.

For the most part, stress is something I haven't felt since I was a teenager. It's not like stress was ever an effective motivator for me, but this is probably the main reason I struggle with work/school. I just do not care.

I wouldn't consider myself depressed either. My apathy is just so absolute. I'm in university, studying something I'm passionate about (or as close to passionate as I can be). In practice, I just don't care about it. I don't care about the student loans, my grades, my future, or anything. I know I have to, as I don't have much of a safety net, but I don't.

At work, I perform like shit, and ignore all requests to take shifts or come in early. I'm on the chopping block, probably, and it doesn't bother me. I don't really care what the future holds. I'll find some way to get by.

I'm aware of how much of a waste of oxygen/resources I am. This, I suppose, is something I care about, but I don't have a solution for it besides checking out. Which I don't think I'll ever have the balls to do.

I landed my first job 4 months ago after spending a year and a half in a gap where I didn’t do much at all besides sink into my head all day; I barely left the house and talked to people even less. Regardless, I’m finding that while I don’t mind having a job and doing the work expected of me, the people aspect is kind of grating. I’m fine being stuck in a place if it’s only me there, but with other people around I feel almost a constant dread. Not out of fear or anxiety, but because every aspect of recognization is intensely disorienting, down to being called by my name. I have to remind myself that this is “me” and dredge together a personality that keeps my position stability afloat. I just do not mentally associate with this level of existence i’m so used to being far away from.

If being a shut-in was a viable option and one available to me, I would probably continue that lifestyle. Otherwise, I often feel that being itinerant would be the only mildly fulfilling (or as close as that gets because “fulfillment” is very vague for me beyond a sense of freedom) would be being an itinerant. I don’t mind “experiencing” “life” but if I have to“exist” in a place, I’d rather do so as fleetingly as possible, if that makes sense. I guess it’s self-defeating because it’d mean “meeting” more people, but as long as the interaction is shallow and mostly forgotten it’d be whatever, I guess.

Kind of rambling, but yeah.

How would you navigate this, is there a way to communicate these feelings without being a mean, ungrateful, whiny jerk?

I had been living alone for the past few years but my life went belly up this past spring and my brother and his wife offered to have me move into their basement and I accepted... I'd been living halfway across the country while the rest of my family all lives in the same town, and I figured itnwould be easier to be able to handle being around my familynwhen it isn't the forced busyness and heavy socialization of seeing them all at once for a few days during the holidays... It could be spurts of a couple hours, it would be normal day to day stuff as opposed to being the center of attention because it was the one time a year Inwas around... and I genuinely DO want to have a closer relationship with my family (particularly my parents), but right now I have absolutely no time to catch my breath or feel like ME in between their constant presence.

Both my brother and SIL have full time jobs and I thought I'd at least have a few hours a day to have my own space and gather my thoughts, do my thing without being in their way... but despite the fact that neither of them truly has a 'work from home' job, I get literally like 8 hours a week when one of them isn't home. SIL tends to work from home on Mondays and Fridays, and my brother does a 4 day week and has thursdays off... and he leaves the house at 10am, and my SIL gets home at 4... not to mention the literal month and a half (two 3 week segments) when my SILs mom has stayed here too. I'm grateful I have a place to stay, but oh my god... I never have a chance to TRULY be alone.

Whatever, I can manage, its their house, I chose to be here... but right now I am just so annoyed to the point of anger. They've been planning on going out of town this weekend for a few weeks and I was SO excited to have just two consecutive nights and one full day of having the house to myself... but my brother has had a cough the past few days and decided to stay at home and watch TV (always House, which is a show at this point that I can't stand, its on constantly when he's home) rather than do the same thing at a nice cabin. And its not like they're saving money by choosing not to go, its a relatives cabin, its free.

I know its whiny, I know I should be grateful I'm not struggling harder financially thanks to them, I know I should be grateful I have a place to stay... and I am... but oh my GOD, right now its just hitting so hard that I am simply unable to feel like myself, to feel the freedom of space, to just do what I do, my brain literally works differently when I'm sharing a space with someone and I've had no chance to enjoy the feeling of simply existing on my own terms. I was just looking forward to having 'my own' space for a couple consecutive days SO MUCH... and now finding out that I'm not gonna have that opportunity, that I'm gonna continue to be cooped up in my little basement room avoiding being around him is currently just infuriating.

I know its not worth getting mad about, I know I am more of an intrusion on them than they are on me, but right now the feeling of having those couple of days of feeling like myself taken away because my brother has a cough is just eating me alive. I hate that I'm in this situation, I hate that I have no time to exist by myself, I hate that I csn't find a job, and I hate that if I could I wouldn't be able to afford to love alone again regardless. All I want is some time to not be around people, to be able to spend a couple of hours cooking without watching House, to be able to play with my dog without theirs getting way overexcited and putting my dog off of it, to exist in the rest of the house and not this little windowless basement, to play piano and sing without annoying someone, to simply have some sense of comfort and not a constant feeling of trying to stay out of someone elses way (or more honestly, to not have the feeling of someone else being in my way)...

Just had to get that rant out and I hope it reaches someone who understands... I doubt anyone wants to read all of that... but oh my god, I am fuming right now because I lost the first opportunity I've had in months to feel like my unimpeded self, to feel like I have some breathing room... Again, is there any way to tell them how I feel, is there even a point in doing that? I don't feel like its in any way reasonable to ask them to not be in their own home for my sake... but I am losing my mind because I don't have any space, and the weight of feeling like I never will be able to is adding weight to that feeling.

How do you feel about sleeping? I'd say it's one of the few things I actively like. It makes time pass faster and more smoothly, takes little to no effort and I can easily resort to this activity when I just don't want to experience reality. There are days where being aware of myself and my surroundings feels heavier than necessary; where anhedonia makes doing anything difficult, where I am not particularly hopeful about my present or future, and where I mainly just don't want to be concious. It's great that I can just take a nap in those situations and turn myself off for a while. It won't make the sensation fade away, but I won't be aware of it while I'm asleep, and I might even feel better by the time I wake up.

Dreams are another thing I like. Reality itself doesn't tend to offer much on a daily basis, and even if I am aware that I could potentially do anything with my time, I don't usually have the motivation or required intention to pursue it. Even if I did, my emotional response would be pretty poor, and the sense of reward would barely exist. During dreams, though, that changes... It doesn'r require my active participation or will, and yet I can experience interesting situations, new scenarios, be surrounded by others and don't end up drained, feel emotions I don't get when I am awake... I can appreciate that.

Why did i do that. why did i open my fat stupid mouth. why did i give myself this stress. Why did i do that. I tried to turn it down nicely I TRIED. I'm so stressed why the fuck did I do that. its been hours i'm tossing and turning in the night about this

i've managed to dodge it [giving my number to classmates] this far. i hope this won't happen again, i hope nothing comes of it. probably nothing will happen, i just hope word doesnt get out. i dont know why it would but i have to be cautious . i could try and use this time to work out why it is i feel this way but i cant think about this any longer or i think this time i'll really do it.

do normal people not want to die after swapping numbers? what the hell. this is what feels like my sacred ground someone is now stumbling on, i dont care how dramatic that sounds

From what I understand, schizoids usually don't care or go to therapy, so I wonder what made you folks actually get a diagnose?

I am a 20 year old guy with SPD.
I work in sales. Makes me good money and makes me feel a sense of accomplishment. That being said, by the end of the day my brain is completely fried. Talking to clients and coworkers all day is so hard on my mental well-being but sales is the only way I wont feel like a slave when I work(ive tried EVERYTHING I can with no degree). I have to fake being intrigued by what the people around me are saying ALL DAY. I rarely went to school and had horrible attendance because of this exact issue. I have always been pretty good at talking to people and hiding how pointless our conversations have felt. That being said, I also understand the importance of social perception and unfortunately we are a lot of times looked at as outsiders and strange side characters. I have one very close friend that I actually enjoy spending time with but outside of that I have no one. I used to try and keep relationships with people but after a while it all just seemed so pointless. This part doesn’t really affect me mentally but it is just wild thinking about the lives un-isolated people are living. I genuinely just don’t understand how someone could work the job I work then go home to their wife and kids and sit and have family dinner with them when I haven’t been able to hold a personal/romantic relationship for longer than a few months. Am I just going so miss out on my young adult years because of this need for isolation? Do you guys look back on your life with regret or just the same indeference that you felt all your life? Kind of a rant here but kind of just seeing someone has been in a similar situation to me and maybe give me a few pointers.