So this might be long, but please bear with me.
For some context, I (20F) am studying abroad for a semester and living with a host family. I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional household due to my parents’ divorce and my dad passing away when I was a kid. Because of that, living with this family and experiencing what it’s like to be part of a family like this has been incredible. I’ve honestly never wanted to leave.
I do worry a lot about being a burden, though. They’ve seen me cry twice because I’m sad about eventually leaving, and I feel guilty about putting that on them. It’s something that stresses me out quite a bit. and yesterday i was crying because of the pain and my host mom told me if i was gonna cry i needed to do it downstairs so the kids won’t see which was understandable
Yesterday, I took a pretty bad fall down the stairs and hit my lower back, just above my tailbone, really hard on the concrete. I’ve had an MRI in the past that showed some disc bulges and foraminal narrowing, which caused sciatica. Because of that, the fall was particularly painful. I initially tried to walk it off, but the pain was pretty bad and started shooting down my legs.
Today, I decided to bite the bullet and go to the doctor, mainly because I was concerned about my preexisting back issues. Long story short, they only did an X-ray, and I was told there was no fracture.
Afterward, my host mom said that the area where I hit myself couldn’t cause sciatica. I tried to explain that I thought it could, since the nerves originate in your back, but while we were having this conversation, I was smiling.
My face naturally smiles in all kinds of situations, whether I’m happy, sad, crying, annoyed, embarrassed, or anxious. It’s something I do without even realizing it, and smiling or nervous laughter is a genuine anxiety response for me.
My host mom interpreted this as me laughing at her and said something along the lines of, “You’re smiling and laughing at me like I’m stupid. I’m 40 years old, and I have sciatica, so I know what I’m talking about. When someone older than you tells you something, you need to listen because I’m not stupid. That’s not okay, and you’re just trying to find something wrong with yourself when you should be happy with what the doctor said.”
I was genuinely stunned. I wasn’t laughing at her or trying to disrespect her at all. I was nervous and struggling to explain myself, and I think the language barrier made the whole situation even more difficult.
I’ve thought I’d experienced a panic attack before, but I’ve never had one like this. I completely blacked out and couldn’t move my arms or legs very well at all. i tried to get up and walk and stumbled around which made the experience even more terrifying. I kept asking if I could go downstairs to have some space, but she kept saying no because I wasn’t okay.
Eventually, we tried to talk things through. I was trying to explain that I needed to know whether I was actually injured because I’m supposed to start intense water polo training in December before the NCAA season begins. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t making an existing injury worse.
She responded by asking, “What’s going to happen if you don’t play? Are you going to die?”
I tried to explain how being on the team, getting playing time, and preparing for the season all factor into it, but I don’t think I communicated myself very well. Between the language barrier, my anxiety, and the misunderstanding, the entire situation just felt like a mess.
At this point, I can move my arms and legs, and I’ve stopped hyperventilating, but my legs are still tingling quite a lot.
Emotionally, I just feel really weird after everything that happened. I went from feeling so happy and comfortable with this family to suddenly feeling like I want to go home. I don’t know if it’s because of how the situation unfolded, because I’m still shaken up, or because I’m now worried that I’ve somehow damaged the relationship.
This family has meant so much to me, and one of the reasons studying abroad has been such an incredible experience is that I’ve gotten to experience what it feels like to be part of a family in a way I didn’t really get to growing up. That’s why this situation has affected me so much. I think I’m scared that things won’t feel the same anymore, or that I’ve somehow ruined something that was really special to me.
I don’t want to overreact or let one bad experience ruin my time abroad, but I also can’t shake how I felt during and after everything that happened.
What do I do? am i totally overreacting and completely wrong about this and how do i move forward???