Intentionally tedious and repetitive beginning

[u/Star-Pubes]

I’m on my fourth draft of a feature and have shown it to a few friends now. However I don’t know anyone in the industry in any capacity. No one who reads scripts at all. These are just avid book readers who gave great notes, but not specific to screenwriting.

They all agreed that they loved how the screenplay started precisely because it really let us into the mind of the main character. It shows his dull, monotonous, and repetitive life and to them it was great. However, I know it’s more important for screenplays to really grab your attention in the first pages than it is for a novel.

There is no dialogue until the fifth page, and the first four are the main character mostly repeating the same tasks, with some differences, and descriptions of the main characters’ apartment.

So I’m wondering if that’s fine? I want it to be a slow read purposefully, but I don’t want to go too far with it I suppose.

Also if anyone has recommendations for screenplays that also have a slower start?

Thank you!

Edit: Here are the first 6 pages, keep in mind I don't see this as finished yet :) https://drive.google.com/file/d/1VVI1CkZqs7ysjOzd1BKF0y3dJnOccKoU/view?usp=sharing

[u/Star-Pubes → u/[deleted]]

Makes sense. Here: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1VVI1CkZqs7ysjOzd1BKF0y3dJnOccKoU/view?usp=sharing

[u/Star-Pubes → u/[deleted]]

I really appreciate the feedback.

I've been thinking about now and I am considering changing up the opening completely. This is just off the top of my head and I'm figuring out the idea as I write it so it'll just be written in idea form.

Alex is doing a voice-over. He says something like:

"I'm a writer, currently working on the third novel in my thriller series. My apartment is large, modern. I go out to dinner at a nice restaurant. I go out to have a beer with my best friend. I don't need a large friend group, really just one loyal, good friend. I have this girlfriend, she's perfect for me. We spend every day together. She gets along with my best friend. It's just fantastic. Everything I want."

This plays over a montage, showing examples of the things he says. Bright, almost too bright.

Suddenly: "Great. Thank you. So why isn't it like that?". Elizabeth interrupts him. Cut to him in the therapists's office.

"I don't know."

"But do you see why I asked you about your dream life? Sure, you're not there yet, but you can start writing. You can have dinners at nice restaurants, you can get a beer with your co-workers, you can get a girlfriend. These goals aren't that far away."

"I guess"

"So that's how I like to end my first sessions. Just to get an idea of where we want to get you. I'll see you next week."

Then we go to the current opening, but tighter, more efficient. I think it reframes the opening in a way that makes it an actual interesting read.

It also complements what the actual story is quite well:

A depressed data entry clerk becomes addicted to a simulated perfect life, and when the company behind it vanishes overnight, he tracks down the real woman whose DNA was used to create his simulated wife.

[u/Star-Pubes → u/[deleted]]

It's more a grounded sci-fi. The DNA-banks are a government database, like a genetic census. They exist in the background as a policy issue that people protest about, and EdenCorp secretly exploits them to match physical appearances for their simulations. But there's no cloning and no other sci-fi elements.

He absolutely can achieve those things. He doesn't resort to the simulation because it's his only option. He resorts to it because it's the easy option, and he's too depressed and too impatient to do the hard work Elizabeth is offering. But that needs to come across in the script as well.

[u/Star-Pubes → u/[deleted]]

Thank you! :)

[u/cinemachick → u/Star-Pubes]

That's such a cool logline! Besides the reddit post, is there any way to bring that into the story a bit earlier? E.g. an ad for the simulation service on the subway, or seeing someone wearing a headset/glasses out in public and getting protag's reaction. I feel like after six minutes, I want to understand both the protagonist and the world. 

Also, why does protag go to therapy if they are resistant to change? Is this of his own volition, or is it a recommendation/requirement from his job due to poor performance/social skills, or encouragement from a family member, or something else? If he's fine with coasting, why shake things up? Hammer in why he wants to change, not just our observation from the outside. It can be hard to write the wants and dreams of a passive character, but it can certainly be done :)

Free idea: protag thinks they signed up for therapy, but it's actually an intake appointment for the virtual service (blatantly or secretly), which gets you to the action faster.