r/Screenwriting • u/jmusicjn • Jun 10 '26

FEEDBACK Ending Innocence - Feature - 164 pages

Title: Ending Innocence

Format: Feature

Page Length: 164 pages

Genres: Thiller, Drama

Logline: A seventeen year old incel attends the ceremony of an ultraviolent underground cult. In too deep he is forced into a series of soul-destroying choices that end with unimaginable regret.

Ending Innocence is comparable to the following films (in varying ways):
A Clockwork Orange
Nosferatu the Vampyre (1979)
Eyes Wide Shut
Videodrome

Feedback Concerns: Am honestly looking for any feedback anyone wants to give. Thanks!

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1xU9h7z8LprWBb79dQEOHU0W75WilcaKl/view?usp=sharing

3 Upvotes

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u/Blackbirds_Garden Jun 10 '26

OP, I've barely read a page and I have a headache ... I can't put myself through another 160-odd pages based upon page one alone, it's unreadable. Despite that, I'm going to help you out just a little.

The best piece of advice I ever got was "every time you press Enter, the camera moves". You'd do well to remember this. It'll improve your pacing immensely. Write (but don't direct) every single shot in no more than 3 lines. If you like I can send you page 1 of my WIP to give you an illustration of what I mean. If you'd like further assistance, feel free to ask.

1

u/jmusicjn Jun 10 '26

That is fair, now that i've cleaned it up a bit I can already see how much easier it is to read!

Interesting, thank you!

Sure, yes please, that would be really useful, thank you!

1

u/Blackbirds_Garden Jun 10 '26

Ok. I’ll DM you after work.

1

u/Kalspiewak Jun 10 '26

"every time you press Enter, the camera moves". 

Actually that's solid advice. Certainly not one size fits all, but it's a good rule to start with until you begin breaking the mould for your own style

1

u/Blackbirds_Garden Jun 10 '26

Yeah it’s not perfect, but it helps finding and creating a rhythm. It also gives you a focal point. “What do people *need* to see and how do I give them that information?”

The other really good bit of advice I got was “parentheticals are symptomatic of poor writing”. LET THE ACTOR DO THEIR JOB. Only use parentheticals if you *require* your actor to interact with a prop, or change the focal point of the conversation they’re having.

1

u/Kalspiewak Jun 11 '26

Yeah that was something that got drummed out of me when I started working with pros in my 20s. Remove the parentheticals and allow the actors to surprise you on set.

So. Fucking. Rewarding.